They say it will become a redmark on my permanent record, but the thing is that if I'm not alive than what does my permanent record matter. They refuse to accept I have a problem because they think depression is what happenes to pansies. They think I'm faking it, but the thing is I don't know how much longer I can go on without help. I feel like I'm drowning in the depths of despair with no one to turn to or confide in. :(

How old are you? Are these moods all the time or do they come and go.

You made references twice to "not being alive, how much longer"; are you thinking of harming yourself?

You are not alone.

This has been going on for the past 6-12 months. I've always had recurring bouts of depression throughout my lifetime, but this time it's the worse because I'm a freshmen in college and I am having so much difficulty adjusting to the stress and the expectations. I feel like I can't do anything right, and that I'm not contributing to society so sometimes I catch myself wishing I had never been born.

So you are 18 or 19. Your health insurance is provided by your parents, and they have to approve what you use it for?

Yes. I have no source of income and cannot drive. :(

And, you didn't answer my question... are you thinking of harming yourself?

Not at the moment, no.

I don't know how to describe it. It's like a nagging feeling that's always in the back of my head. I'm afraid I'm going to snap one day and actually hurt myself. I've cut myself before but have never had the courage to actually do something bad.

Is this a four-year college away from home? (I remember how hard it was to adjust during my freshman year. The expectations for me were high and the work was never-ending!)

Is there a campus counseling office? Do you have an advisor?

No, I live at home with my parents. There is a counseling office, but I am afraid to speak to my advisor out of fear that my parents will find out somehow.

Have you made any friends at college yet, I know it hasn't been long.

What about friends back in high school? Would you consider yourself a social butterfly, a person with a few very close friends, or a loner?

I had very few friends in high school and even less in college.

No, I live at home with my parents. There is a counseling office, but I am afraid to speak to my advisor out of fear that my parents will find out somehow.
Ask your advisor about that -- how confidential is anything that you might tell him. Technically, unless you are a danger to yourself or others, the advisor should respect your confidences and not report them to your parents.

So you feel alone? I'm one of those "have a few close friends" types. I've always wanted to be one of those "happy shiny people" that seem to have all the fun with the cool friends and parties...

In retrospect, now that I think about it, I have no friends in college. Not a single one that I could ask for help.

I believe that what I might tell the advisor would be necessary cause for him or her to believe that I am potentially a danger to myself, but not others.

So, besides your parents, have you told anyone else about your dark thoughts and feelings?

I wouldn't mind feeling alone, if it wasn't the regret and my inhibiting shyness. It gets in the way of my ambitions. And my depression so that I can no longer have goals. Have hope that eventually things will start to get better.

Nobody. I've confided in my little sister about how hopeless I feel, but she can't do anything. I feel bad for even involving her to the most minute scale in my issues. I can't tell anyone. I've effectively pushed everyone that cared about me out of my life, and now I see I have nobody. This is the first time I've ever publicly told anyone about this issue, even though it is anonymously

I don't want to rapid fire questions at you, but I can't help but point out that you got to college!

That is an achievement you cannot deny that. Think about that. Goal set. Goal achieved.

If I look at things in big chunks of time, like, "What am I going to be in five years", I start getting anxious and depressed at all the things that can go wrong.

But, as corny as it might sound, if I start looking at things in very small chunks, I can get through the pain you are talking about.

I am not going to pretend I know one detail of the reasons you are feeling the way you do, but I will tell you truthfully that I have been in the same exact place you are right now, although obviously for different reasons.

I can't even get through the "small chunks" I can't even get through a semester. And in my family it has hard to look at going to college as an achievement since they are all professional people who look down upon my average grades and my struggling. They don't understand why I can't just do it. Why I can't just get a 4.0 GPA and become a doctor, etc. etc.

And, don't feel bad about telling your sister. That is what family is for.

As I was typing that I thought, "Wait a minute, she asked for help from her parents and they said it would be a blemish on her record." Ok. We are not perfect as parents. None of us are. We are just like you, but with lines on our face and gray hairs popping up everywhere.

We have some years on you and some experience, but we make mistakes. Small ones, and giant big ones like this.

I understand that. But I don't understand what I can do to persuade my parents that I really do need help.

They'll just say I'm not studying hard enough which is why I'm struggling in college. That I'm not trying hard enough. :( I dont'know what to do.

A small chunk isn't a "semester", it's today!

Getting up in the morning. Giving yourself goals to accomplish. Accomplishing them to the best of your ability. Get back to bed. Sleep and repeat.

That is how small a chunk of time I am talking about. Looking so far into the future like "I am never going to be a doctor or lawyer like they want"... "they will not accept me for who I am, only what they want me to be"... it's all future stuff, chunks of time not worth wasting energy on.

Aside from cutting yourself in the past, have you ever thought about how you would ever harm yourself?

I can't even focus on today. :( I tried to do my web assignments but I just broke down crying and started researching on Google if I had any options and came across this website and decided to give it a try. Since then I have effectively wasted two hours of study time and am feeling so angry at myself. Yes, I have thought about ways to harm myself.

There is no short answer to "how can I convince my parents I need help" and "how am I ever going to live up to their expectations".

You may not be able to achieve either goal. But, it is quite possible as you grow and mature, they will eventually see you for who you are as a beautiful, individual spirit rather than as a reflection of themselves.

The bottom line is that it doesn't matter at this point. You are an adult, and while you still have to rely on them for things, you are in a transition period between adolescence and full independence. It is a journey, one that you will need friends to journey with.

Are there any family members AT ALL, nieces, nephews, distant cousins - anyone you can speak to about this?

I have none. My shyness and my fear of failure and my depression and low self-esteem and problems get in the way of making friends. I get in my way of making friends. I don't know how to conquer my fears.

None. All of them would phone right away and tell my parents.

Fear. That is a big one. I have been fighting fear my whole life.

You will eventually be able to make friends. Trust me. You will. I know it.

What do you like to do that calms you, makes you feel relaxed? Exercise? Going to a coffee shop? Seeing a movie? Bicycling?

I don't know.

Would you describe your feelings of fear and anxiety as being present in different degrees like a thermometer? From freezing all the way up to burning red hot?

Yes.

Using a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being "red hot", 10 being when you actually considered HOW to harm yourself, and 1 being able to go about your day, maybe even laugh or smile once and awhile - where would you rate your fear and anxiety at the beginning of your post here on the site and right now.

Two numbers. When you posted and right now.

9 and 7

Good. We're going in the right direction. :)

Now, can you think of times when you would describe it at "1", when you could generally go about your day, maybe the fear would pop up here or there, but didn't bother you much, you could smile, maybe even laugh once and awhile?

And, if so - what were you doing those days?

When I'm with people that don't know me that well like at school when we're all working together on a group assignment. Easy days at school since I get to see people even though I don't talk to anyone. Days with my family when they're not criticizing me or pressuring me. I'm not really sure how to answer this question since it's been awhile since I've felt that way.

So you definitely feel better being around people, even if you're not friends with them? Much better than being by yourself?

Are you a religious person? Have you ever gone to church, temple, etc. etc.

I guess so.

As for religion, I don't know. I want to be yet I stay away from religion because it also depresses me because when I do something wrong I feel as though I'm going to end up in hell. The church I attend I do not like.

May I ask which religion you belong to?

And, also, can I get a thermometer check?

6.5

And I would rather not mention my religion. I believe I am agnostic.

Ok. Good number. I'll take .5 :)

How long have you been dealing with the fear and anxiety?

Since I started middle school. I was always a worrywart child, but it got worse in middle school. And my senior year of high school.

Were your worries always around living up to your family's expectations?

For the most part. Others had to do with fitting in... I think my mother's depression also played a factor back then. It doesn't now since I realize there is nothing I can do to help her even though I've tried.

The first thing that helped me with my fears and anxiety was identifying it didn't mean I was a broken, useless person. I realized it was hereditary, but undiagnosed in my family. In fact, it wasn't until I finally started going to counseling that I was able to eventually identify those in my family that suffered from the same depression, and today, at least one of them has decided to get treatment for it.

Do you realize that you are not a broken or defective person?

No.

I believe that a lot of the bad things that happen in life is due to my own fault and shyness. Others I know is because of things I cannot control, but I cannot help feeling angry at myself for not being able to control the aspects of my life that I can control... :( Even if I do, I end up making a mistake which just further hurts my self-esteem.

Yes, things are happening because of your shyness and fear.

But, do you realize that you are not shy nor do you have fear because you are defective?

You are not defective. I'm not defective.

If your family has a history of high blood pressure, and you get it, even if you eat right and exercise, are you defective as a human being?

Then why do I keep making so many mistakes?

Um... no? Since it's not really my fault in that situation

There are many reasons for making mistakes.

Some we make because we are learning something new. For you, that would be how to be a young, independent adult.

Some mistakes are made because we don't see why we act the way we do and we repeat them over and over.

Other mistakes are made because we feel like we can never change, never be better, and so there is no use in trying.

Do any of those sound familiar to you?

All three.

But it's the last one I'm struggling with. I know what I'm doing wrong, I just don't know how or whether I can fix it.

Ok, you agree it's not your fault if hypothetically you got high blood pressure handed down to you, so what if you got this problem with anxiety passed down to you? Your mother is depressed, and you prove you are not defective by being able to see she is depressed and wanting to help her.

That is amazing to me. I needed to go to see a counselor before I could see the truth about my family, and you realize by yourself.

So, I have a problem with my brain chemistry. So do other members of my family. Some chose to deal with it by using alcohol and other addictions, I chose to get help and take medication when necessary and learned how to live with it. Just like you would with high blood pressure.

But then that brings me back to square one, of not being able to get the help I need, in case I do need medications. Which is why I feel hopeless. I feel very hopeless. I've tried to "cure" myself without medicine but I really want to know if they would help me and I don't have that option because of my parents :(

First, thermometer check.

I have hoped for a year that things would get better. But I realize they are getting worse. I feel that I need a counselor to guide me through my shyness and fears, and medications for my overwhelming anxiety. I will never get the help I need because my parents just don't understand. Because medicine didn't work for my mother, I guess they think it won't work for me, and they also say that these medicines have horrible side-effects of withdrawal once you stop taking them and other things. I don't know what to do. I have gone on like this for a year hoping, but now I'm losing that hope.

5.5

A whole Point Down? Wow. Getting better. :)

Let's review.


You don't feel as hopeless as you did at the start of this post.

You managed to get yourself to college - a fantastic achievement no defective person could accomplish.

You've admitted that you feel better being around people, even if they are not your friends.

You can admit it's possible that this is an organic problem, maybe even passed down through genes.


So, it sounds to me like you are a pretty cool person who cares a lot about others, wants to please, can achieve goals, is very self aware, very intelligent - you just need some assistance to get this little "fear gremlin" in check. Does that sound right to you?

Yes. I want to have the confidence that I can move on with my life and make connections with other people and make lasting relationships and do the things that other people my age are doing without all this sadness. I guess I want what any typical 18-19 year old wants. It's just that I get in my own way with all this fear and the high expectations I had of myself. I don't know sometimes whether it's OK to give up if I'm just not getting something in school.

You will become a wonderful, caring, successful person because of all of the wonderful traits I already mentioned:
a pretty cool person who cares a lot about others, wants to please, can achieve goals, is very self aware, very intelligent

You are very much ahead in the game of life. At my age, I have had experiences with lots and lots of people, and at your age, to be as self aware, intelligent and caring as you are, you are very special. All we have to do is get you the help you need without causing any unnecessary friction in your family.

And, I think you and I have pretty much proven why hurting yourself is not only not an option, but would be a BIG waste of a very special person, in my opinion, right?

How would I do that? And thank you for helping me. You've helped me get to a four (: I really am glad I finally opened up somehow. Even if it is anonymously on a website I just discovered. I feel some relief out of talking to someone.

I am glad to hear you are feeling better and all the way down to a four! Congratulations.

Not too long ago, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was sitting in a ER parking lot talking to one of my very good friends who just happens to also be my MD.

He was talking me down on my cell phone. He would periodically ask me to take my pulse.

He would talk to me about what was going on before I felt this way. He reassured me. And my pulse continued to go down. If it was a heart attack, my pulse wouldn't have gone down, pretty stupid in retrospect, but in the moment, that fear literally made me feel like my heart was going to pound out of my chest.

It's similar to what you are experiencing. You have to remember it's not real. The fear is not real. I was not having a heart attack, and you are not defective.

Now, from here I can give you general information on how to proceed, or I can give you more directed information based on your location. I would give you any method to contact me you feel comfortable with. Facebook; email, etc.

You tell me. General information, or do you want a way to tell me privately more direct information so I can help you get support confidentially?

Something general please. I have no accounts other than my email and I'd rather not give that out due to privacy issues.

OK.

I will give you an email address only I see in the event you ever change your mind. [email protected] (Yes, my username is my real name, and that is my real photo).

So. General information on counseling.


This is a great service... this link will bring you to a college campus counseling search page (http://www.halfofus.com/FindHelpNow.aspx). You enter your information, and it will give you details on where to find confidential help.


From the same site, these are very useful coping mechanisms (http://www.halfofus.com/getstarted.aspx) I was alluding to when I asked what activities you were engaged in when you feel like you're at a "1". I would suggest walking where there are lots of people as well as the suggestions on that page. Take deep breaths when you walk. Listen to your favorite playlist.


This site is very helpful for those dealing with anxiety disorders (http://www.adaa.org/). You can search for specialists here as well, but even more importantly, they have lots of helpful information about how to manage your anxieties (http://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/managing-anxiety/tips).


They also have lots and lots of personal stories (http://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/personal-stories/all-stories/1), which you can also add in order to help others just starting to deal with this issue like yourself.


If your "thermometer" ever gets above a '7' again, if it even crosses your mind, if you have not already established a relationship with a counselor who can help, I want you to contact:


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a national 24-hour toll-free suicide prevention and intervention telephone resource that provides immediate assistance to individuals in suicidal crisis by connecting them to the nearest available suicide prevention and mental health service provider.


Of course, you can come back here, use my email, whatever you need. Remember, you are not defective.

I hope this helps.
Cliff :)

p.s. there are counseling services, counselors and support groups that will help you for free up to a sliding scale based on income. Do not assume you will get no help because of the insurance, your parents or money issues. Attack this as if you just got a high blood pressure diagnosis and do everything in your power - without worrying about what you can't control - to make it better.

Can I get a final number before you go and defeat your anxiety gremlin?