Ok so I am 21 years old and have been with my fiancé for 5 years now. We have a child together, and things have gotten shaky.. So he a year ago started going on these dating sites and talking to my friends and co-workers trying to sleep with them. BTW this is the short story to this.

Anyway so I would go to bed and would want to have sex all the time. He would always just tell me to go to bed and then I found out it was cause he was talking to all these other girls. Then we worked things out and blah blah. But still I have a high sex drive and its like he never wants to have sex. I want to have sex at least 5 or 6 times a week.

But since I recently turned 21 I went out two nights in a row. Then I checked his history and found out the last two times I went out he was on porn sites and for almost two weeks now I have been trying to have sex with him but he keeps turning me down. He is the same age as me and I never met a 21 year old who doesn't want to have sex.

What does this mean? Is there something wrong with me? Or are there guys really like this out there? Also he always tells me its cause I'm too easy, but I tell him I only seem that way cause I do it with them whenever he wants to otherwise we would never have sex. Usually we have sex maybe twice a week but never more than that. I even dress up and everything.

What's wrong with me.

Nothings wrong with you other than not paying attention, and making this about sex. Its not! Its more to do with how you treat each other. You assume its about just sex, so about you, but after a few years together you have to be able to build communications so you can resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

Just from what you wrote here,


Or are there guys really like this out there? Also he always tells me its cause I'm too easy, but I tell him I only seem that way cause I do it with them whenever he wants to otherwise we would never have sex. Usually we have sex maybe twice a week but never more than that. I even dress up and everything.

He states he doesn't want you trying to have sex everyday, or every night. You do any way, because you think that's what it takes to get anything. A lack of sex is usually just a symptom of other areas of a relationship that needs work, and failing to connect on a mental level has caused a lot of disconnect here.

I think if you meet each others minds, then the bodies will follow. But then, I remembered this nugget you provided.


But still I have a high sex drive and its like he never wants to have sex. I want to have sex at least 5 or 6 times a week.


The perfect compromise would be 2 or 3 times a week, which you admit to having, but still ain't happy, which makes your position in this uncompromising, and unreasonable. I really think you should back up with your fiancé of 5 years and think of other things besides sex you need to discuss, and that your using sex, as a substitute for a good relationship is distracting you from other problems in this relationship that's needs talking about and coped with. It ain't about the sex, but how you two relate to each other after 5 years.

You are not on the same page about many things, and it shows in the bedroom. Some very honest calm communications is what's needed more than the everyday sex, is my opinion.

I had a friend who had the same problem. I think its other issues in how you two listen to the others wants, but the fact that you have a high sex drive and want it when you want it

Takes away the excitement away in a sense.

But I think,
Talk to each other, connect to each other on other levels have a laugh together

I would say slow it down, and have it when you feel connected.

You need to talk & communicate.

Sounds like this has all been about sex. How old is he?

Now, its really about the family you've started. Your child. What that means. Not your libido.

If he's looking elsewhere, then you need to nip this in the bud. Find out why.

And, why you got with each other to begin with, and if both of you are really invested in this family.
How you both plan to continue, now that you have a child.

Do you have any family around or close friends to help support?

I didn't mean that we don't communicate I meant more along the lines that he would rather masturbate or look for other girls. Our relationship doesn't just revolve around sex but that is the only way he touches me. Otherwise he isn't very affectionate. I don't know maybe it is just me. I just didn't know if he was getting bored with me or if he regrets being high school sweathearts, or if maybe I am just to insecure. And I didn't mean for it to be about me I just meant that he only wants to do it when he wants to and never when I want to so it hurts when he calls me easy when it just seems that way cause he controls the sexual part of the relationship and I always thought that both partners were suupose to meet each others needs weather its sexual or mental or emotional.

"he would rather masturbate or look for other girls"

Why? That isn't good. Did you ask him? Your letting him do this.

"he calls me easy "

Why? Hes with you already. Maybe not, in his head.

"i always thought that both partners were suupose to meet each others needs weather its sexual or mental or emotional."

That's right. Healthy couples do.

What about your child & family together? All I hear is him disrespecting you.

Sounds like he doesn't know how to be a good boyfriend or father. And regretting things. Making you pay for his inability to be committed.

And no, you guys aren't communicating. Both whacking it.

What about your child?

Are child gets a lot of love and support from both of us.. We do not argue in front of her or make her feel as if she was a mistake cause by no means is she. I just don't understand I guess a guys thinking process.lol and thought I would get opinions on it I love him to death and he says the same but I don't trust him and I guess it bothers me knowing that I am willing to buy and give him anything and everything. It really isn't even about the sex I just want him to be affectionate towards me. I want him to hold my hand or say I love you instead of me always saying it first or when I go to kiss him he turns so I only kiss his cheak and that's really embarrassing in front of people. Whenever I talk about it with him he says he is just that way and he likes having his own space. I even go as far as playing video games which I hate with a pasion just to spend time with him. Am I suffocating him? How do I get him to want to be around me and not push me away literally all the time. Even if I sit by him he moves to the other couch or tells me to move over. He spends a lot of time with our daughter and I am thankful for that so I no he is capable of loving someone that way. But why is does it feel like I am a chore or why do I have to wait for him to want to do anything or want to be affectionate? Is it normal to check girls out ALL the time and then tell the other partner? Or to look up porn instead of being passionate with the other partner. I KNOW people need their space but its everday. For instance we don't even sleep together if I try laying by him he tells me to move to the other side of the bed.. and then he turns around. I am literally laying on the edge of the bed. And then he wakes me up at like 2 am cause all of a sudden he wants to do it, and half the time I am practically sleeping through it, I just do it cause its what he wants.

How about talking to him? Have you done that? Asked him why he treats you that way?
And how his actions have to stop. Voice your concerns.

Being honest.
Or couples therapy? Better yet. Do that.

His behavior is becoming a problem.

Better fix it now. Maybe he's always been that way all along & doesn't want to change.
You got with him, after all.

How long do you want to put up with it is the real question.

Thanks maybe that is him and when we first met he was just doing that to get my attention.. I think couples counseling will help to its worth a shot and I didn't really think about it but we have to figure something out now before we get married.

You should reread this post and see how things changed from sex, or lack of it to behavior in a wider are of the way you live. People not only fall into comfort zones but the repeat patterns they learned along the way.

I think partly you have a healing process going on because of past bad behavior, and while you said the words of forgiveness, and kept trying, you still have the wounds that will take longer to heal. Old fears, and insecurities can often make things look bigger than what they are, and give you more problems with making adjustments as you go, because they distract you from the root cause of your issues. Any conflict can bring up old fears, or any behavior can trigger those fears.

You both are so young, and while youthful enthusiasm has gotten you so far, the hard work has yet to be done, and in this phase of the relationship, the establishing of each others roles and obligations is going to be a long hard process, of battling wills and egos as you both try to define yourselves, and your relationship. I think this is where the real communicating and honest expression of fears and expectations has to occur.

For an example you both have to know what the other needs, and be willing to give it, and it's that willingness from you both that defines how you treat each other. You have to be open minded to learn your partners needs, as does he.

Willingness to learn and do, is what establishes how you relate, and at the heart is honesty, and the courage to be honest. In this way you can explore each others world together.

What has me curious is that I assume he works full time, but do you? Conflicting schedules causes huge disconnects with young people, and dealing with changing daily obligations often gets in the way of honest communications as all we humans get tired, or worn down, and whatever coping skills we have are stretched to the limit.

Many of your concerns though are typical obstacles for young people to work through, and the important part of this is the ability to be patient, and HONEST.

Living together as man and woman is a long hard process where you pretty much learn as you go, and try to make the right adjustments along the way. That's goes for you both, so learn from mistakes and just keep working at it. There is no such thing as instant success, or a sure fire formula. Just keep enough hope to keep working, hopefully for the same goals.

TELL him to be nice, and you will try to be. Be reasonable and have the courage to say what's in your head as well as your heart. Teaching him about the real you, is as important as learning about the real him. That's how you either grow together, or grow apart.