I know that my boyfriend watches porn and has downloaded clips from the internet.
I also found out that he has like 10 files on his computer near his porn files of pictures and movies he has of different girls. Whether its naked pics the girls sent him, or movies of them having sex.
He has them categorized by the name of each girl he has either exhanged pics with or made movies with.
I told him that even though it bothers me that he has them, I understand that him and I are dating and I don't expect him to delete everything he has just for me cause our relationship is not guaranteed, so why delete it all? BUT if we were to get married or engaged, then obviously all of that HAS to go, no questions asked. And he agreed to that.
WELLLL this is the problem, him and I have been together for 9 months and currently live together. I know that he watches porn on his downtime when I am not home, but I came across something on his computer the other day... I went to check on the quality of a movie he downloaded and when the movie player poped up, there was a paused video clip that I guess he had recently viewed of him and a girl having sex that he was dating many years back.

My questions is, is this okay for him to be watching old porn of a girl he was with many years ago? Does this mean that I am lacking in the bedroom so he has to watch a video of him with another girl to get satisfaction? I am trying not to over react because I don't know if he was literally sitting there and watching it while jacking off.. but I don't know if this is something that is acceptable.
We have only been together 9 months... why is he looking at porn this soon in the relationship? Am I not satisfying enough?

Something to remember is that porn and masturbation are not about you and how satisfying he finds your sexual relationship.

Porn is about being visually stimulated or entertained. Porn is only one form of erotica and is no better or worse than the other forms. Romance novels and some mainstream movies can be categorized as erotica. It is stimulating. It is fantasy that has nothing to do with reality. It can be a tool for discovering likes and dislikes or things to try (especially when viewed with a partner.)

Masturbation is usually about wanting a quick fix/stress relief without having to worry about another person's needs. It is usually quicker and takes less energy than intercourse. It is also a way to find what you need in the way of mental and physical stimulation. It is learning about your own body and mind so that you can share those discoveries with your partner to make your sex life better.

Don't worry about him masturbating unless it seems like that is all he wants to do. Then don't immediately blame porn or yourself. Look for other things like stress, health issues, exhaustion, etc.

While I support porn and masturbation, I do think he needs stick with material that he and/or an ex/pen pal didn't star in. I do think that is crossing a line in keeping relationships separate. I am not saying he has to get rid of the 'collection'. Just put it away and keep the one that doesn't include personal contact of any type with the subject(s).

Try to remember that you should have your own personal time, too. It can help you feel sexy and attractive to yourself. If you feel good and less stressed, it affects how you interact with others. You also feel more secure in your own being. If you give more weight to what other's think, then your self-esteem is going to go up and down like a yo-yo.

One last thing, communicate with him. Let him know that masturbation and porn are okay, but it would be better if his previous 'conquests' weren't part of your relationship. Perhaps, you could even start a mutual collection and learn more about what each other likes and dislikes. Talk to each other about fantasies and things you might want to try together. Think about this: No matter what you have done with other people, it is still a first time for you as a couple.

Cat1864,

I appreciate your response and the time it took for you to write it.

I understand that men are visual and porn is a non-emotional thing. But when I found that he was watching that video, I couldn't help but think that maybe he missed what he had with her, or maybe he enjoed sex with her more.
I talked to him last night, and did not tell him that I saw the video. But I talked to him about other things he would want to do in the bedroom, fantasies he may have and things that he would like to have more of or changed in on sexual activities.
He told me that he is happy with our sexual life and does not want to change anything.

But I can't help but feel like he is being truthful... if that was the case then he would not need to watching something so intimate and personal as a previous sex video with an ex-lover.

I know that his "collection" should go, but I don't know how to tell him this without him getting upset or thinking that I am trying to be controlling.
I did tell him before that I don't mind him having it because if him and I break up, then of course I know he would still want his stuff there.
But my making the agreement that I did, I did not mean for him to keep and use. I just meant for him to keep it in the background for him to have if we split... does that make sense?

I understand what you are saying. I don't think it is about porn in general as much as the more personal nature of part of his collection. There is a difference between looking at pictures of strangers with no personal contact and getting pictures from the subject or having participated in taking/making the pictures/videos.

With DVD burners and flash drives, there is no reason for him to totally get rid of any picture/videos. He can transfer them and put the disk/drive in a safe place. I think that is what you had in mind, perhaps?

Be open about finding that file open and apparently being viewed. You might use the incident as a way to say you have been thinking about the 'collection.' Be honest that it feels like those women are still a big part of his life and you don't want to be in an 'open' relationship.

Porn that he doesn't have a staring role in is fine. Pictures from sites or magazines are no problem. The personal contact with the subjects in part of his collection is what makes them an issue. If he doesn't understand the difference or isn't willing to compromise, then you might have a better idea of who he is and how he views your relationship.