Hi,

My boyfriend of almost a year just called me at 4am, very drunk, to tell me he and his friend ended up in a strip club. He said his friend talked him into going, which I believe (I know what his friend can be like), and I think he just saw it as a funny thing that happens when you're drunk. He and his friend are working away this weekend, and I am visiting family until next week so I won't see my boyfriend for over a week. I am 21, he is 25. I do trust him, but I feel really insecure about him looking at naked girls as I don't like my body.

I always thought that I would be fine with him going to a strip club, but always thought he would have asked first. He did tell me straight away, and didn't hide it from me, but I can't help feeling insecure about it now.

I really don't want to be the nagging girlfriend, and I don't want him to think I don't trust him. Should I say anything to him? What should I say? It's also made harder by the fact that I can't talk to him face to face for over a week.

Please help, I would really appreciate your advice...

At least he told you.

Everything else before this cool?

Or is this it?

Don't be jealous. Talk to him instead.

If you both were really together, you should care less.
Communicate.

The fact that you don't like your own body is the thing to work on. The naked stippers were just entertainment, not competition. Have you always lacked confidence in this department or has something changed which has set it off?

Thanks for your advice, I have spoken to my boyfriend. I realise I wasn't mad at him for being at a strip club, It was my own insecurities about my appearance. He knows about this which is why I think he could have considered the effect this might have on me beforehand, which I have also said to him.

QLP, you are right, they are just entertainment, which I realise now after being reassured by my boyfriend, who, for anyone else in a similar situation said, its more funny and a laugh than a turn on. I do have a lot of issues with myself which I need to work through, its just tough to know where to start I guess :S

The place to start is with yourself, and talking to your boyfriend about it was a great beginning. Follow it up with thinking things through when you have those fears, and insecurities about yourself, BEFORE you act or speak out of impulse. This will become a habit after a while, and keep you from taking those feelings out on others, impulsively.

We all have fears, and insecurities, and coping with them calmly, in positive ways is the key to managing yourself.

As far as strip clubs go, don't worry, most guys can't remember the names of the dancers, let alone what the look like, and all booty clubs have a red head named Amber. They are no threat to the confiden,t self assured, female. If you have no confidence in yourself, then they are more of a distraction for you, than it was for him.

Making this a big deal about your feelings only makes him want to go, because he will resent you telling him not to. Your guy probably told, you rather than hide it, because he had confince in you to handle the truth in a calm, rational, fashion, because it was an innocent adventure with his drinking YOUNG buddies. Maybe not the best idea, but he was honest about it.

The point is, he is trying, so should you.

There are lots of resources available to help build a better body image. Here is a little something to read to get you thinking:

http://www.medicinenet.com/beauty_and_body_image/article.htm

There are books, courses, counselling sessions, depending on how big you think the problem is and how much work you want to do.

The one thing I would ask you to think about for any self-esteem issue though is this: Every time you judge yourself, listen to the words you use in your head to yourself, and ask yourself if you would speak the same way to another person. Would you judge someone else as harshly as you judge yourself? If you look in the mirror and find yourself thinking critical thoughts imagine you are looking at a stranger and ask yourself if you would form the same judgements. When peering into a mirror close-up to check out how your skin or eyebrows or whatever looks like ask yourself if you would get up close and personal and examine someone else that way. If you are examining your thighs for cellulite and giving them an unforgiving poke imagine how ridiculous you would feel if you were doing that to someone else. Get the picture?

But also, for the future, so many of the horror stories on relationships begin with those magic words. " He or I or We were out drinking" Or "he got drunk and"

Drinking or being with friends is not and should not be an exuse, he went because he wanted to go, had he really not wanted to, he would not have went.

But with that said, they are dancers, not hookers, they may lead them on, all night to the money is gone.