Hi all. Just got dumped by my girlfriend of 1 year out of the blue. The way she rationalized it makes no sense to me, and it's still haunting me after 3 weeks.

I mean no disrespect, and I don't know if this might have something to do with it, but she's had a messy past - she had an eating disorder and depression when she was 17, including one suicide attempt where she tried to slit her wrist.
She got together with this guy at 18, a player who actually told her that he had 47 girls before her, but convinced her he'd changed since. She literally worshipped him - gave up her singing career and lost her virginity to him. He then cheated on her, and it ended there.
She went on to sleep with another player she met at a party. Turns out she got chlamydia from him. They stopped having sex, but continued hanging out as friends.
And right after that she goes drinking with this guy who got her drunk and molested her.

After these experiences with guys, her character changed dramatically. She decided to no longer be the "withering flower", and got a shorter haircut to prove her point. And then she found me. She made me feel like the solution to her damaged love life, because I was a loyal partner. She idealised me, sometimes making statements about me I didn't even think I deserved. But it was intoxicating.

But she also piled details of her previous sexual encounters on me. She'd mention something, then I'd get curious and ask. But I'm pretty sure I got more information than I asked for. Now this was a problem, because she was still hanging out with the chlamydia guy because they were in the same social circle. I got jealous, and cracks started appearing in our relationship. It didn't help that I was possessive by nature.

Once she got into a depression over her work (she's a perfectionist) and asked to meet up less. I protested, and that worsened her depression, and she broke down. But she always didn't blame me, and papered over the cracks with kind and soft words. On my end I agreed to work on my possessiveness.

These conflicts regarding her past and her need for space resurfaced several times, but otherwise the relationship was chugging along nicely. She told me that she'd found in me everything she ever wanted, and didn't feel the motivation to work for anything else anymore. We sometimes talked about marriage. I gave up graduate school in Stanford to stay with her, because we were anticipating a two-year LDR ahead as she had plans to work in the UK for a while. I really wanted this to work.

Then one day, out of the blue, she tells me that she's become a different person, more timid, more docile, like a "slug". She wanted to be the outgoing, adventurous, experimental person. She then brought up past conflicts, saying that I made her depression worse, accusing me of getting in the way of her social life. She then broke up with me and ignored me for 2 weeks, after which she sent a strongly worded email (while slightly drunk one night) blaming me for caging her like a bird, for changing her into someone she didn't want to be. Said she was enjoying living for herself now.

Now I do recognise that I'd been a bit possessive/dependent, because I was unhappy when she clubbed with the chlamydia guy and denied her space when she needed it. But we'd talked it out before nicely, and agreed on resolutions. I never forced her to change. And all of a sudden, she throws it all in my face, takes me on a massive guilt trip and ends it. Said she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay friends anymore. The day before she told me she loved me, and we were making plans for the summer. I can't understand it.

Another thing I don't get - she remained buddies with the guy who supposedly "used her like a sex toy" and gave her chlamydia, whereas with me, she blocked me on skype, Facebook etc and basically treated me like scum.

Most times I have no problems getting over a breakup, but this one has so many unanswered question. For 3 weeks I've dreamt of her every single night, and replayed the relationship in my head over and over looking for answers.

Sorry for the long post! All opinions are welcome :)

Sorry guy, but you tried your best and had all the fun you could, but this troubled immature young lady just wasn't a long term love thing that you thought. She wasn't what you needed for a long term partner, nor did she want what you wanted. It happens all the time with young people, they change what they want rather suddenly, and unexpectedly. You had high hopes, and sacrificed a lot for this girl, so I can see the devastation you feel.

You may need a lot more time to move beyond this sad event, but you will. You just cannot control the feelings, and actions of another, nor can you always count on them being honest or sharing the hopes and dreams that you do.

As she said, she wants to party, and experiment. That is her priority, not being a committed solid person, and that's the way she was before you came along so no wonder her "change" was only temporary.

Bet she has been thinking this way a lot longer than when she told you, so for her, it wasn't sudden, and out of the blue. You just were the last to know. Learn from this as you get yourself, and your life back on track.

I would say to you that I am sorry for your loss, but as you moved ahead I think you may see this was a blessing in disguise, because now you are free to do a lot better for yourself, without the dead weight of that flake holding you back.

Thanks. I sometimes wonder if it was my fault though. I ask myself questions like, was it wrong of me to get upset if she gets used by a guy, gets chlamydia from him but still goes for his house party? I know she was terribly hurt by it, and felt dirty.

If it were me, I'd hate the person's guts if he had an infection and didn't tell me. It's a matter of self-respect. She said she's fine with it, so I ought to be too. Asked me to deal with it. And when I couldn't get over it she said that I was restricting her.

Was I wrong?

You weren't wrong, but you were blinded to some obvious red flags you should have paid closer attention too. Like her past, and her still hanging around a guy who gave her an STD. That would have told you to be very cautious with your heart, and that she might not be healthy enough for a healthy, mature relationship.

You are hardly the first guy to get carried away by some intense feelings guy, but what matters is what you do now, to put this behind you.

Hope you get to Stanford soon. Hmmm. Maybe that's what changed her mind really, she wanted you to go get a better life, and she felt like she was holding you back from making something of yourself.

So go make something of your life, and see what the future holds.

Thanks Tal. I highly doubt she did it for me - she just wasn't ready, or stable enough to be in a committed relationship I guess. I've let Stanford slip and I got to live with that decision, but I will make something of my life nonetheless.

Sometimes life experiences are better than formal educations, but don't discount that formal education. Its not to late. It was just delayed.

She made me feel like the solution to her damaged love life, because I was a loyal partner. She idealised me, sometimes making statements about me I didn't even think I deserved. But it was intoxicating.



You both got what you perhaps needed at the time. She is obviously unstable, and had to not been so "intoxicated" you would have paid attention.
Take this as a lesson learned and move on.
This could have been really long and really nasty.

It is not that you have to rationalize it, it is that you have to accept it. The break up has happened, and you need to start moving on. Regardless of her past experiences, the person who she was in a relationship was you, if was not able to learn that you were not like the other is her loss. Regardless though, you need to move on and start healing so go no contact and get out and meet some people. Most importantly: stay busy.

This girl is trouble.

Sometimes we get w/the wrong person, for whatever reasons.

No longer to continue the fight.

She had her fun w/you. This was never a love thing.

"She wanted to be the outgoing, adventurous, experimental person"
"accusing me of getting in the way of her social life"
"blaming me for caging her like a bird"
"she blocked me on skype, facebook etc and basically treated me like scum"
"she remained buddies with the guy who supposedly "used her like a sex toy

That would be enough for me.

Don't press it. Never speak to her.

Used yes. But it takes 2. User & useeeeee...

Don't get used next time. Be in control of you is right for you.

When you are ready.

vanheart: that's right, I completely let my guard down with this girl - something I've never done before. She just had this way of making things feel really intense, and she did do some really awfully nice things for me.
I've been going out and meeting new people and for the most part, thought I had everything under control but last night I broke down for the first time since the night she left me. All the memories just started flooding back for some reason. This morning I succumbed and checked her Facebook to find that she still keeps a private album of us that only we can view. I'm ashamed to admit that it gave me a bit of hope for a moment, but at the end of the day, given everything I've described above, I KNOW this girl isn't right for me. I just don't know why I'm taking so long to get over it. It's been 1.5 months now since the breakup.

On a separate note - I left a huge amount of my stuff at her place (I was on the brink of moving in with her). I'm asking a mutual friend to help get my stuff for me - can't risk meeting her again or I might just slump back to square one.

A heartfelt thank you to everyone who's posted here. Imma try to contribute what I can to this community.