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Hi Everyone. I need your advise. My ex broke up with me a few years ago and I was devastated. I thought I worked through my feelings but, I didn't.
I saw an old friend of mine right after my breakup, and we started hanging out. She was consoling me and helping me through my pain. Her and I adventually ended up sleeping together. It seemed to ease my pain over my ex. It's a couple of years later and I still don't think I am over my ex.
This other woman and I have been dating a little over a year now.
Anyway, this other woman is very nice to me. She is somewhat smothering and needy. She is insecure and want's a marriage and life time commitment with me.
I thought I was truly in love with this woman, but the more I see, the more I am unsure. She has teenage kids who are out of control.
She wants to live together and have a future with me. I don't want that. I thought I did, but now I realize that, I was just in pain over my ex. Now I feel like I need atleat 6 months to a year to be alone and get over my ex. Because, I still think about her a lot.
I feel suffocated by this other woman. I care about her and love her but, I think I am afraid to be single and alone. Just being honest.
I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants.
Should I break up with her and allow myself to heal and find adventually find the right woman or should I go to therapy and work on this relationship?

That's a tough one.

You know, there was a reason you broke. I am in love with past lovers, but never would want them back in REALITY - they are DIFFERENT people today anyway. It's easy to remember the good times.

Now with the current relationship: you said it ALL: "I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants." - THIS IS REALITY.

I'd end it now. Those kids JUST don't go away. Never.

Remember though, you're really going to hurt her. You're going to hurt her bad. Be prepared.

But, maybe you just need a breather from her?

I tried a break. And things are good for a week and than I get agitated with this situation again. I know she is not going to change. And I know those kids will be around for a long time. I feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. I don't want to hurt her but. I want to be happy. It seems like the flame has gone out.

Look at it this way, Are you going to be happy just by giving her what she wants? It is your happieness that you are out for in life. If you give in to her you will regret it, you will not be happy. Life is all about looking out for #1 and that is you.

Look out for yourself first, make yourself happy. If you are not happy the relationship will not be happy. Don't let her smother you into doing something you will regret later.

If you want to take 6 months to a year for yourself, you're going to have to be honest and tell her that. You can't expect her to wait for you, but if her feelings are genuine, she might... :)

I would recommend taking time for yourself: Just you. Single. On your own.

Work on you. Understand your feelings. Get yourself together. Think about your future and what you truly want.

In 6-12 months, your perspective may change.

This is exactly why many of us here advise people to take a serious break for a good long while after a romantic relationship of any kind ends. Welcome aboard. Join us. Your firsthand experience could prove invaluable. Your post here alone is a good look at what happens when not enough of a break is made.

I am not going to clock in on whether you should stay or go. But I would like to add to some of the really necessary understanding you have begun to acquire so here goes:

You are beginning to see that "rebound" relationships are just that. They are founded on circumstances that won't hold up over time. It's a really vulnerable period and one where we are not thinking clearly. This is an easy to make mistake, by evidence of all the posts we get here on this topic too. You have realised part of this, now go the distance and recognise the mistake you made completely, and give yourself the proper time this time. In a way, you had no business getting into something serious and now you see the old "it just happened" doesn't work. (that is code language for "I don't want to be responsible" - not good :( )

It is a fact of life that we cannot fix the pain of any loss (break up, illness, death, etc) of someone special with another someone. It won't be truly dealt with that way, from what I know. Any attempt to do so simply postpones the lesson and lets in more people to be hurt.

I appreciate your honesty in this, and although she will be hurt, she deserves to be told the truth. See, you matched her for a time, all insecure and needy.. but now you don't. It was not a way of life for you. Is it for her? With or without her, work on you. It will be the right thing and you will see more and more of that as time passes, if you do work on you.

Again, thanks for posting. I hope this helps.

"feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. "

Have you spoken to her about this?? I mean really seriously spoken to her about this?? Have you spoken to her about her kids and how out of hand they and how 'you can't handle it'?

It MAY ope nher eyes as well. Step one - sit down and talk to her about this now.

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.

You don't want to be with this person. It was OK when you needed it but things have changed-namely you. As Paul Simon said, "you just hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan... and hurry!:eek:

Yes, I have talked to her and been open about what type of commitment I want. She over steps my boundaries a lot. It's like she doesn't want to hear the truth about how I feel. I told her I am not ready to move in with her and it pissed her off.
I said, "I understand if you want to find someone who will move in, be a step parent and take care of you", "but, I'm not the one". I told her I didn't want that commitment.
I said it "would hurt like hell, if that's what you decide, but, I understand".

Well that's good. She needs to take it as that.

But, I would try and end it. She knows how you feel.

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.


In my take on it, if that fear of being alone is big enough, then you are making decisions out of desperation - which almost always turn out badly.

The trick is to lose that fear, and if it takes living alone to lose or diminish it considerably, then that is what it takes. There may be other means too though. It is entirely possible to go to counseling to work this out while remaining with her. This is why I am reluctant to give an opinion on either stay or go.

You are not alone in the way you feel. 90% of the people who post here are afraid of rejection or being alone. The unfortunate part is they involve someone else in this merry go round and everyone gets hurt. Your afraid of being alone and that is your solution, if you don't work on yourself then no relationship you ever have will be happy and neither is the one your in now. I can only tell you to seek counseling and get a better perspective on your own emotional needs and as far as the g/f goes well I just don't believe in misleading someone and wasting their time hoping I'll be something or do something for them, just me, but it is your call.:cool:

I am in counseling and continuing a lot of work on myself. I stayed with her in hope that I would find deep love for her and it never happened.
Can I ask her if she is open to " just dating"? The thing is, I don't think she can do that because she wants a permeant partner to take care of her and of other things. A life long person, forever.
She constantly talks about our future together. The thing is, I like her and her company, but she has a total cow if I leave for a few hours to do stuff for myself. She is very needy and insecure. This is a TURN OFF!! :mad:
She talks about how "I used to be, and how I have changed".

I am in counseling and continuing alot of work on myself. She talks about how "I used to be, and how I have changed".

Your initial insight in your first post does sort of indicate you are doing some good work in counseling actually, now that I think about it. However with that known, it sort of begs the question: What does your counselor say to all this?

And I would guess you have indeed changed - counseling does that. Again, another begging sort of question: Does she not know you are seeing a counselor?

PS - I sense you may already know the answer to "Can I ask her if she is open to " just dating?"... now comes the harder part, accepting the answer.

In your answer you have some operative words: "permanent partner" and "take care of her." If she were a self-sufficient individual she would not need someone to "take care of her."

Two people in a committed and loving relationship should be able to have lives outside. In that I mean that you should be able to do something with the guys, like my husband likes to go fishing, and I like to got out to lunch with my friends. If we were to spend every minute together I think I would suffocate.

I agree that she seems needy and insecure. You may need to address these issues with her face-to-face and honestly. Ask her why she has a "cow", ask her what she thinks you are doing when you have time to yourself.

If you like her company, keep it just that - company - explain that you cannot be suffocated, it may hurt, but it works better in the long run.

Thank you all so much for the advise. I have been open and honest about my feelings from the start. I told her I cared about her but didn't want to move in with her and get married. I told her I was processing my break-up and in pain.
She has a lot of baggage, and I don't want to take it on. My counselor says she sees that I am unhappy and I need to take that "step", and become single until I get myself together. I am on the right path but believe I still have some relationship stuff to figure out within me.
My family / friends think this woman is great. She is but, I feel smothered. I believe we should both have separate lives. I think that is very important. She tells me she agrees with that, but when I do things for myself, she gets an attitude and starts playing games.
I think it may get to the point that I "blow up" and say forget it, I'm done.
I agree with Wildcat. When you smother someone they run. I know because I have in the past attempted to smother another woman and she just got resentful and it ended.

Just wondering what peoples thoughts were on rebound relationships. My ex left me for someone over a year ago and she is still with this person. I thought they normally didn't work out.

Give me more details...
Don't really understand your question!

RickJ this is another!
Funnily enough it appears on my profile after I sent you these messages :)
Thanks

What I mean is.. do you think rebound relationships work? If you go from one relationship to another with no break in between. I was wondering because my ex is still with the person she left me for and it has been over a year. Everyone said, " it's just a rebound relationship" and it won't last. But IT IS LASTING!
Just wanted everyone's thoughts.

I suppose everyone is different.
If she left you because she truly had feelings for this person than I personally don't see why not!

Depends on how you broke. No cheating, no abuse, no loss of respect - or trust... not a bad break, no one begging... no clingy-needy. You guys also would have needed to date for over a year.

A rebound relationship - In my opinion - refers to a situation where two people get together purely out of desperation to be with someone - and most often that means accepting someone with problems that would otherwise have kept the two apart. Because these relationships are rooted in desperation, they are likely to fail.

That is very different from simply meeting some and dating them reletively soon after a break up. People meet in many different circumstances, so it's quite conceivable to meet someone that is truly great, even a short time after a break up.

If that's the case then I really wouldn't call it a "rebound" relationship. Rebound relationships usually occur after the fact and are not usually the motivation for ending an existing relationship. I almost wonder if you were the rebound relationship and she left you for an ex with whom she'd reconciled. That actually seems like a more likely scenario.

She has a lot of baggage, and I don't want to take it on.---DON'T!

Break up with her and allow yourself to heal and eventually find the right woman. You obviously don't want to be with this woman so it's not fair to lead her on.

It sounds as if she can't control her own life so she wants to control yours. You need to live on your own find yourself and figure out what you want in life not what anyone else wants or needs. She crosses your boundries and you let her, but when you cross hers she throws a temper tantrum. It sound very unhealthy to me. I would get out of this relationship if I were you. She needs some help but not the kind of help a marriage can give. Time to part ways I think. The pain, and suffering that we go through in life is just as important an experience as the joys and happiness. This is all meant to make us stronger people. People get hurt every day and they change because of it. You seem to be realising that you don't want to be smothered and controlled and that's great. Now she needs to learn not to smother and control and sometimes that's a hard lesson. You already know what you have to do so what are you waiting for? The choice is yours... a chance to be happy or a chance to be unhappy.

Help, I just broke up with her and feel like crap. But, I had to. I am not happy.

Help!! I just broke up with her and feel like crap. I had to. I was unhappy. I jumped into this without dealing with my last relationship. She wanted to control my life and be with me 24-7.
I did't want to loose myself in a relationship. She was jealous, didn't trust me, possessive and controlling. I am terrified to be single but I know I have to work on me. Why do I feel so bad.?

You said you had to do it and you did it... good for you. Your starting to stand up for yourself and yes your going to feel like crap... buy can you tell us why you feel this way?

I am afraid I am now adventually have to start to date again. Be with someone new. I have never NOT been in a relationship. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate all your support. Right now I feel raw,scared and unsure about my decision.

You've made the first step to becoming happy again. There is no doubt you are going to feel lonely but you can negate that feeling but doing other things. Hang around with mates and family, go for a run or to the gym. My girl of 7 years just broke up with me. I was and am still at times very very lonely. But I found going for a long run helpful. I was also in the middle of finishing my university degree so I threw myself into that. I have done that and now I have started to learn french at uni. I have met heaps of people there (some beautiful girls as well) and am enjoying it. Plus it eats up some of that lonely time.
As you said you had to do this because you were unhappy. Well now you've done it look at this as the first step to getting over your ex and becoming happy again. You won't achieve this though by sitting home feeling sorry for yourself. Sure it will hurt sometimes but try hard not to let it get to you and the best way to do this is surrond yourself with friends and family. They can make you feel better.
Good luck

We have all been there and we all have the scars to prove it... You have a wonderful support team here and though we might change from time to time we're still here... You don't have to date till your ready and I hope that you give yourself a chance to heal your hurts and get to know who you are before you jump into that drama again. Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time and you'll see how fun it can be to be single. I would say hang out with the guys and see what that's like since you haven't been able to in sooo long. Find a couple of girls that you wouldn't date and become friends, they will be a lot of help when your trying to figure out a new twist to the whole should I or shouldn't I. Hope this helps.

It takes rebuilding your life (so that its filled with many sources of good feelings) to be able to see looking back that no relationship is truly better than a bad relationship. In your worst moments you need to remind yourself you have gone from a minus to a zero (not that you are a zero, okay?) and that you deserve to have a positive. This is how you get there. You did a very right thing here. Keep working on you - it is by my firsthand experience really really worth it. It will get better, you'll see.

Enjoy the single life and give yourself the time to heal so you'll be ready for a healthy relationship. Being single can be fun and you can talk and hangout with any female you want any time you want. You have a golden opportunity so make the most of it.:cool: :D

I don't know too much about how long you went out with your ex but now that you are single... there's still Match.com!

P.S.- That's suppose to be a joke! http://www.geocities.com/aethalffxi/musik26.gif

I am afraid I am now adventually have to start to date again. Be with someone new. I have never NOT been in a relationship. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate all your support. Right now I feel raw,scared and unsure about my decision.

OK, with all the advice, and very good advice at that... also the responses you posted in between - shows exactly what you should do now.

STOP being insecure with yourself. Go and do a 'sabbatical' on your own, get to learn why you fear being alone. The one individual you should feel most comfortable with is YOU, and until you can do that, by getting to know yourself better, you will never benefit anyone else.

You know rebound relationships are not good. You know that you don't really want a long term relationship with your current 'match'. You also know that you are not really 'pining away' for your ex - you are just clinging to that myth because you can't explain your fear of being alone in any other way just yet.

So, you need to do a few things. 1. Work on yourself and learn to be your best friend. . 2. Stop using your ex, as an excuse to distract you from the real issue - your inner core - and your doubts and fears your fear of 'bonding' with anyone right now because you don't know what you want. You will probably need help in figuring yourself out or you will not do yourself or anyone else any good.

If you read all of your responses here again, you'll know exactly what you need - you've figured it out, now apply it to yourself and get to work. By all means, please give yourself some time before you jump into another relationship. You should not 'use' someone else to 'ease' your pain right now - it would not be fair to them.

You'll get there eventually, just be a little more optimistic and positive.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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Hi everyone,
You are all so right and I appreciate your support. Wow, I am so grateful I have this website and all of you! Next question, she called me last night and left a message. I have not responded. But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this. I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a seen.
I know now more than ever, that I have to work on my stuff before hooking up with someone else. I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone.

Hi everyone,
You are all so right and I appreciate your support. Wow, I am so grateful I have this website and all of you! Next question, she called me last night and left a message. I have not responded. But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this. I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a seen.
I know now more than ever, that I have to work on my stuff before hooking up with someone else. I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone.
Edit/Delete Message

But, I would like to get my stuff and my key back from her. I would appreciate advise on how to do this. Be as straight forward as possible. Short, simple and to the point while not appearing cold or as if you are cutting her off. Negotiate what is comfortable for her and be flexible about it. She may have a lot of questions. Answer only those that seem appropriate with short "I statements" (has your counselor covered that with you yet?) while not engaging in debate. One way to stop a conversation is to simply acknowledge the sadness too - "I know this is hard on both of us." Repeat that statement as often as necessary. If she holds your stuff "hostage", then it may be wise to buy new stuff and change the locks instead, depending on $ value vs hassle/trauma, of course. :(


I am actually worried that she may " show up" at my work and cause a scene. IF she does this, tell her to meet you after work at _____ time and _____ place and request that she leave immediately. Again short, simple and to the point. Remember her actions reflect on her, not you. IF she doesn't comply, let security or whoever deals with unwanted visitors take over. If that is you, escort her out and state again that you will meet her later. Then walk away.


I suppose that is why I continue to get into these, no where, short relationships. Because I settle in fear of being alone. Now you are beginning to see.. . We all play a part in what takes place in our lives. Its good to be aware of what your part is. It is really only there, in our part, that the most effective change can take place. But from what I have learned, to change ME is to sometimes change the whole world! :)

Good posting.

(... and totally unrelated: I finally figured out the "quote, response, quote, response" thingy - does the "I Did It" Dance around the site... woo hoooo! LOL) :p

I hear where you are coming from. I am going through an emotional nightmare myself right now. I would advise that if you are not totally committed then take a little break to find yourself. You owe it to yourself to be happy with the decision you make in the end. I truly feel you need to be secure with yourself before you can involve others espically if it means a lifelong commitment. I too am so afraid of being alone that I can't see the positive things out of my situation but I am working on it. At least now I know what they are.

I don't know where your located but you might be able to have someone from law enforcement do a stand by while you get your things out of her house... If she shows up at work then I think I might see about getting a restraining order. Just to be on the safe side so that you don't loose your job.

It's too bad you can't sit down and tell her what drove you away and wha tshe needs to work on.

I do, in your situation, believe a break is good.


Hopefully she is smart enough to let you be for a while. I think you just need to ask her for this.

I would hope she listens... maybe she will change as well.

Hi all,
I have posted several times before about my situation. I am having a hard time breaking up with my girlfriend. I start to pull away and take care of myself, get strong, hang out with my family and friends and than bam, I get scared and lonely and give into her. She says something and I get sucked back into the relationship. Then I think, I am not a spring chicken and start wondering, " will I ever find anyone else". I know I have a lot to offer someone, but I'm scared. I have been intensely working on myself and trying to get in touch with my feelings through therapy and other spiritual work.
I suppose I have abandonment issues I need to look at. My friend said to stop beating myself up and except the fact that it is a "process". I am building up the strength to leave her. I don't know why leaving her is so difficult for me.
I know I have no future with her. She drains me,every time I talk to her.
I don't want to go find someone else to make this break up easier. I want to do it healthy. Help, why can't I do this??

Put it this way... the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to break up with her.
In your previous post you said you been with this girl for 2 years now, am I right?
You know you have no future with her and you stated that she drains you every time you talk to her, so you surely don't love her. Do u think she loves you?
There is no nice way of breaking up with someone, if that may help!

I have been with her for one year. Yes, she loves me A lot. I saw her last night I was hoping that my feelings would come back, but they didn't. I can't stand this. My family keeps telling me how wonderful she is, and that they don't understand why I wouldn't want to be with her. They don't see this "other side of her".

Your not happy buddy, I can just see it.
Why make this worse on yourself eh? Be strong and talk to her.
Tell her you fell out of love, and its not fair on you and even on her to be in a relationship which you see no future in.

What's her other side?

Other side meaning: insecure, manipulative, jealous, smothering, etc.

Break up with her, what's the point in furthering this relationship when there is 1 side love only and besides explain to her that its neither fair on her that this relationship goes on as you fell out of love.
Breaking up is never easy and there is no nice way of doing so unless it's a mutual decission.
Pack up the courage... and do it! :)
Good Luck

Wow Dude, that's just so tough... BUT in longer term relationships you do go thorugh phases of not being totally in love. It can come and go.

She needs more re-assurances from YOU though. I am sure you give her a lot of reasons you might leave.

Its true what you say wildcat, but if these phases are temporary and short-term then its OK but if they're not then I suppose you know the answer!

SIR_ you need to make up your MIND, and stop making excuses. You a re just dragging this woman in your wake and its not fair. She is paying the price for you being wishy washy and going and coming back. You need to take a look at your actions and if YOU don't want to change then shut-up and be miserable, if you truly had enough you would have been gone and left the poor girl to her own life. Sorry to be harsh and blunt but your actions are dragging everyone down! :cool: :mad: :mad: :mad: :eek:

Yeah, it is kind of strange you went back to her so soon. WHy put her through that?

I don't think we ever officially broke up. Thank you for your words but, I already feel like crap guys.

SIR_ you need to make up your MIND, and stop making excuses. You a re just dragging this woman in your wake and its not fair. She is paying the price for you being wishy washy and going and coming back. You need to take a look at your actions and if YOU don't want to change then shut-up and be miserable, if you truly had enough you would have been gone and left the poor girl to her own life. Sorry to be harsh and blunt but your actions are dragging everyone down!!:cool: :mad: :mad: :mad: :eek:

Couldn't comment on your post but wanted to add - how true!

:cool: I didn't write the doggone post to add to your misery I wanted you to get off the pity pot and get some action. That's the only way you'll feel better about yourself!

I agree! I break from her for a month at least and then see how you feel. You need to breath.

I have to agree with Wildcat and talaniman on this one. It's not fair to her for you to keep dragging your feet. You've already decided you have no future together. Your constant coming and going is probably leaving her hoping that you'll eventually come around and that the two of you will stay together. She deserves to know the truth. Actually even a little bit of "tough love" may be in order here. You have your reasons for not wanting to stay with her and, accepting what you say at face value, they're good reasons. Someone probably needs to point out to her how she drives people away by being clingy, smothering, controlling, etc. Being honest with her could pave the way to her doing a little self-improvement and making better her chances of eventually having a successful relationship with someone else. That's actually a lot more kinder than the approach you've been taking with continually stringing her along, giving her false hopes. Think it over. If you need some pointers on what to say to her we could help you out with that as well.

You have said in the past how miserable you are with her. Isn't this enough to prove that there is only one option at this point? You have acknowledged that you need time to work on yourself. Please go and take this time.
People aren't trying to make you feel like crap. They are simply seeing a situation that you yourself are describing and giving you the best adivce they can based on the information. It is up to you whether you want to act on this advice.

Good luck.

Thank guys,
Sorry if I am super sensative right now. How can I tell her I need a months break when I can't even get a day? My family thinks I am crazy. They thought I finally found someone "Normal", and now this!

You sound insecure with yourself... why do you care what your family thinks? I know they are related but you should be proud of who you are and your actions! And you previously stated that your girlfriend manipulated you... NO ONE can make anybody do or think something by force so don't use that as an excuse. Hears what woman love... A MAN... get yourself together and face her with the truth, it is the best thing for the BOTH of you.

You don't have to tell anyone any thing except your mother -tell her to marry your g/f and have a happy life! Then go fishing or "bear hunting in the Alaskan wilderness and leave enough food for the FISH -3MONTHS should do it!! :cool:

CRUEL< BUT FAIR!:cool: :rolleyes:

Just ball up and do it.
It is just like when you take a band-aid off you do it all at once not a little bit at a time.

Heyy

Although I was not the one who did the breaking up, my boyfriend left me like 2 months ago. We were together 2 years. I loved him a lot... at first I could not understand how he could do it... he broke my heart... but now, as I am healing I realized that he needed to improve himself- and I was holding him back from doing that in his eyes. It will hurt her- but you deserve to be happy- if she's draining you- you need to say goodbye- it will hurt, you will be lonely sometimes ( trust me), but if its what you need to better yourself then do it- life is too short to be unhappy and to live with what ifs. Breaking up is not an easy thing, and there is no fairy tale break up. You just need to get up the courage and do it for yourself- be truthful, and do this for you... my boyfriend told me when he was breaking up with me that he felt that I held him back and that he was unhappy- and you know what? I knew it but I just didn't accept it- what I'm getting at is, please don't drag this out- you will only hurt this girl in the end. Goodluck and I hope this helped- u can message me anytime if you want to talk.

Don't stop those therapy sessions. You still need at least a good twenty hours to work on your fear.

You need not only to get away from her, but (sorry to say) you need to get away from your family. Have they always tried to control your life? They must really be bored with their own lives to want to take control over yours.

If you get antsy sitting alone, visit friends, make a few phone calls, or go somewhere that does not remind you of her.

You really need to ween yourself off her and start wanting to be alone with yourself. This is your main issue, so find out why and 'fix' it.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN) You might have a lot to offer others, but check out what you offer yourself - if you don't like that, then you need to learn to be your own best friend.

Hey Guys,
Update... I was doing real good. I got strong and didn't answer her calls/texts etc. then WHAM! I had a crappy day, gave in, and we talked. One thing lead to the next and we ended up in bed. I told her I cared about her but, I didn't want a committed relationship with her.
She basically gave me a ultimatum and said " I was a typical guy", why buy the cow if I can get the milk for free". She said she wanted me to move in and if I didn't we were done.
I know I made a mistake by sleeping with her again. I got weak. It sucked. She totally degraded me buy saying some crappy things to me. She still has my key, my clothes and some other stuff. I'm so done. Why did I go back. I am so pissed.

We all make mistakes and we all have to lay in the bed that we make. The important thing is that you've realised that you did make a mistake and now you have to figure out a way to fix it. Fixing, meaning you need to get your posesions back. You need to at least set up a time to come and get your things from her house. She has given you the ultimatum and you know where you stand now. I would "make an appointment" to get your stuff back and be done with it.

Learning precisely where oneself is a part of a particular problem always comes at a price and always feels bad initially - everyone eventually gets to experience this one, if they are lucky! There is nothing worse than self anger. But here is the prize in this cracker jack box... you are learning the lesson and won't have to learn it again (unless of course you want to, LOL). And that really is worth something! And kudos for you too for learning it! It may even be worth not getting some clothes back; they are replacable after all, should it come to that.

At least NOW I hope you know it's over with her. Keep that in your head.

I really don't like the ultimatums, bad things she said... sounds controlling.

End it. No more contact.

I promise you 1000% in few months some great will come along. Work on yourself now and figure out why you were so weak.

I can't rep Val... but I agree - forget the clothes... change the locks.

Wow, so you messed up, huh? Welcome to the human race. We've all messed up one relationship or another, and gained something along the way.

There is nothing wrong with being human, being lonely, and angry at yourself. That shows that you know you did wrong, will probably never do that again, but you had to in order to gain the experience that stays with you for life.

And yes, since she did give you an ultimatum, stick to it, get your stuff and then get out.

On your way to the next relationship, make a pitstop alone at home and review what you've been through and what you've learned. This will probably deter you from rushing into another 'trap'.

Until you know yourself better and set goals for yourself you'll continuously be a 'crash-dummy' on life's road. So, please, stop and reflect.

All the best,

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZN)
Think, was one night of sex that satisfying? If so, check out which 'head' of yours is in control of your life.

By Chery

Think, was one night of sex that satisfying? If so, check out which 'head' of yours is in control of your life.
That is a darned good question!

I've messed up many relationships... or she has... it's best in everyone of them we did not get married or what ever. YOU HAVE TO WANT O WORK AT IT. BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO BE READY AND WANT TO WORK AT IT. IT DOESN'T COME EASY AS PEOPLE THINK. Believe me. It takes time to fall in REAL love. It takes time - people don't get that. You have to be willing to listen to them!!

Falling in lust or smitten or infatuation isn't love... never was... 3 months into a relationship- isn't love... real love takes 6 months or a year. You have to be willing to give into your partners weird quirks, up brings, ways, communication etc. - or it won't work.

There are lots of nice people in the world but it doesn't mean you want to marry them all. There was nothing in your initial post that told me why you would want to be with this woman, only why you wouldn't. Not only will her children never go away, nor should they, but neither will her smothering or neediness. You think it's bad now, try being married to that. Relationships with smothering, needy, clingy people don't work, ever, and that's not going to change in 6 months or 6 years. She is not the one for you and until you put your ex in the past where she belongs, no one is.

I am in the middle of getting over one now. At least that's What I think it was.
IT HURTS!!
Now he is going for his 2nd wife again.
Take care hun

My girl was with a friend of hers after about 3 weeks of being single. We were together for 4.5 years. They have been together for about 3-4 months now.

Also I know of another relationship I heard about that the guy left, got with the girl and last I heard they have been together for over 5 years.

Rebound is also not usually for the dumper, but rather for the person being dumped. Incidentally why I refuse to get into any real relationship for a while, I want to be sure.

Hi everyone,
Long time... Wanted to check in.
Here's my question. If you know someone is not good for you. If you know you don't want to ever live with them, if you know you have no future with them, if you know their toxic, co-dependent, jealous, clingy and messy, If you know that you can do better, why does it still hurt to break up with them?
I was still lingering in this relationship and I knew I was not happy. My needs were not being met. She didn't understand my recovery process from alcohol and every time I stepped out to "take care" of myself, she took it as I didn't want to be with her. I explained that it's not like I'm going to a strip joint with my friends, or out partying, I was just "taking care of myself".
I tried to explain that I have to put my recovery first. She just wanted me with her 24/7. Didn't want me to have friends or a life outside of the relationship. Demanded specific NIGHTS that I would be with her. She was really demanding and controlling. So, I ended it, but my question is why does it hurt so bad when I know it wan't good for me?
I know when one door closes another one opens. But, it still hurts.
Thanks ahead of time for the advise.
Hope this get easier...

Time will heal, don't worry :)

It also seems that you have emotional issues of yourself to deal with, and momentarily you are probably mixing this emotions up.

When did u break with up with her? Recently?

Yes, just this weekend. Emotional issues with myself?

She didn't understand my recovery process from alcohol and every time I stepped out to "take care" of myself, she took it as I didn't want to be with her. I explained that it's not like I'm going to a strip joint with my friends, or out partying, I was just "taking care of myself".
I tried to explain that I have to put my recovery first. ....


Sorry I should have explained it better.
But you said you are in recovery that's what I meant. :o

It's a well known concept that when you take away the alcohol from an alcoholic, you often get a co-dependent. While only you can tell if this fits, it is possible your own codependency is adding into this mix and jacking up the neediness and subsequently the hurting too. Besides there is some genuine grief that comes to all people who end a relationship (regardless of what it is) that you aren't dulling with drinking to factor in as well. Feel what you need to feel and it will pass, I promise, so long as you don't pick up.

Its really fantastic that you are so committed to your recovery and that is exactly as it should be, number one prioriity! I am sure you've heard in the rooms, the suggestion to stay out of relationships the first year -- a suggestion I took and understand now why they say it too. I did so much changing that first year that who I might have been with probably couldn't have accommodated it.

I can only tell you that over the years, I have had to pick between my recovery and other things more than a few times and so far with a lot of support from others, I've picked recovery which is partly how I got to 18 years sober. When we are initially so sick, we attract sick too-- that is a profound truth. But the really cool phenomena that I can now see looking back is that as I got weller (LOL, yeah well something like that!) the things (like jobs) and people I lost along the way were replaced with healthier versions, which was a very good thing too. It's the subtler part of the recovery process, which is much bigger than people think.

Take it easy, take it slow and focus on replacing the security-at-any-price you got from the sense of being a couple (even though she was not supportive herself!) with healthier support from your friends and sponsor, if you have one. I promise greater things will come later, when you are more ready for them. It did for me and countless others too. I hope this helps ease your sadness and that you can see the lesson in it. You done good, as far as I can see, which in recovery sometimes feels bad initially but this too shall pass.

Yes - you became dependent on her... keep reminding yourself of all the bad.

You need balance in a relationship and she wasn't willing to give that to you.

Wildcat,
Can you please explain to me a little bit more as to what you were saying?
Thank You

Often in unhealthy relationships there is a pattern of co-dependence where each of you needs and reinforces the others' abusive behavior. As you say, being in recovery and "taking care of yourself" are major steps and are no doubt causing you to confront head-on other self-destructive behaviors you've engaged in thus far besides alcoholism, such as unhealthy relationships. Also keep in mind that as you go through the recovery process you're probably in a very vulnerable time in your life which may cause you to feel somewhat emotionally needy. Are you involved in any type of support group as you recover from your alcoholism? A good strategy may be to confide in them about your relationship issues and allow them to help you through that as well. Although not directly related to your drinking in and of itself, support groups are designed to provide holistic support in all aspects of your life as you plow the way to recovery so they ought to be a great source of strength and support as you cope with the issue of breaking away from unhealthy relationships.

Thanks for everyone response. Yes, I am in a program and have been clean and sober for awhile. I just began a different program that is allowing me to look at "Me". It's weird because I am always trying to look at the other person, fix the other person etc. My behavior is changing.I am taking care of myself and other people don't like it. So, every time I made a boundary and she crossed right over it. I state my needs and she doesn't hear me. She would be happy if I had no friends, no life, but to be with her 24/7.
I tried to balance her my program etc. but, it wasn't enough for her. She always has a way of telling me how inadequate I am and how I'm not meeting her needs.
That she feels "alone" and not in a relationship. So, I'm hurting now because I realized I can't make her happy. I have to make me happy. It's just different for me.

You have consider your priorities at this stage and she should understand that!

Life's like that Sfg33. Don't expect everyone around you to understand you and support you. The best thing to do is find happiness within yourself, love yourself first, nothing is greater than that for you cannot give love to anyone if you're incomplete. There are lots of good things awaiting you... Someone better will come into your life soon.Godbless you.

"always has a way of telling me how inadequate I am and how I'm not meeting her needs. That she feels "alone" and not in a relationship."

Dude - RUN from women like this. YOU can't make them happy. Run!

It's NOT YOU. It's totally 1000% her. Believe me.

When I say remember the bad - remember her crossing - remember all these mind games stuff. I've been with women like this - has she been in an abusive relationship? divorce? parents divorced? bad chilhood? You'll never be good enough - this is a massive form of abuse.

Quick question - does she still want to be with you??

Relationships are all about compromise.
She is just NOT compromising at all and I can see it from what you are explaining about her actions, attitude and what she expects from you!

I can still recall passing through that codependency/dysfuntional wall to find the other side of healthy living. It made quite a few people unhappy at the time since I was daring to change without their permission LOL. We no longer fit and it was clear I wasn't going to revert to my old self so it eventually took care of itself as one by one of the "hostage takers" left. It turned out in the long run be one of the happiest and freeing experiences I have ever had and there's been no looking back ever since except to hold my hand out to the next one coming through in order to welcome them.

Welcome Sfqt33 welcome!

Hi again,
She claims she still wants to be with me, but wants me to PINPOINT specific days that I will be with her. She wants a schedule from me. She claims she " doesn't understand my recovery thing", yet she won't take any steps to try and understand it.
To answer your question Wildcat, yes she has been divorced ( abusive relationship ) and was raised in a alcoholic home. She herself however, does not abuse any substances, but her behavior is that of a co-dependant and wounded child.
Honestly, I believe if she trusted me and herself and focused on "her crap", she would appreciate the moments we have together and not demand them.:(

Yeah I kind of figured an abusive marriage/divorce... ughhhhh - there are some real creeps out there that treat women terribly, these women get into marriages without REALLY knowing the guy. I know kind of the patern. Then they make excuses for the guy.

Schedule? Hmmmmm - maybe plan a date night - but you have to keep hammering home what your needs are.

Is she in therapy? Sounds like she needs it.

If she can't understand what you need... well, more red flags.

Most recoverying people don't understand that they are changing and a relationship, healthy or not is in danger of being caught up in a whirlpool of emerging feelings that must be dealt with. Until you get to the point where YOU are healthy leave any other relationship ALONE. Now is the time to work on you. Don't pull anyone into this whirlpool. That's not fair because they have NO clue where your at or where your going.

With the sick people we begin to leave behind by healing, we can only suggest they look at what they are doing and join in the recovery process too. This is how Al-Anon was born out of AA long ago -- too many were being left behind because they didn't have a recovery process of their own. If, after hearing our suggestion, they aren't receptive-- then they aren't. And while I have to honor that choice from many of the people I dearly love and used to spend a lot of time with, I also have to grieve the separation it creates too, an ever-widening gap that my growth in recovery makes unavoidable. It seems I can't go back and they cannot come with and this is how my family and I became estranged. The gap simply got too wide, and as it did, they became nastier and nastier knowing they were losing me. It never seemed to occur to them that I was losing them too. I have found it a particularly difficult grieving since it feels like I do it utterly alone. But that isn't entirely true -- many people are with me in spirit who have been right where I am. It just feels alone. I ask for (and receive) acknowlegement from those who know what this is like and that helps. I understand how appropriate the phrase "courage to change" from the Serenity Prayer is now. Very very accurate.

There are people out there who are willing to understand and accept your lifestyle, that includes recovery and all that come with it! I see why she would want to know when you are going to see her... and that would be a great idea... but that doesn't really change the fact that she needs more from you than you are able to give right now... and her unwilling to accept certain things in your life makes it difficult to focus on what you need. Even if you give her what she wants, you don't sound like that is a good plan for you... don't settle! You don't sound like you want to be in this right now... even if you take a break to get some breathing room, that would be good too... decide later... breath now!

Thanks everyone,
It's difficult because I feel I am moving in a whole different direction than her. I hung out with my friends this weekend. I felt good. Went to meetings felt respected, etc. Then she calls. My problem, I answered.. anyway, she starts yelling at me saying if I loved her I would "come home" and be with her. I told her to mellow out and went about my day. Got home and there was all my stuff and my key on my porch. I don't even feel upset right now. I feel relieved. I didn't call her and engage in the game. Whatever, I feel so powerless right now.
I know she wants me to react and call her but I'm not going to. She just loves to tell my how messed up I am and how I am screwing up.

You have left her behind and so you'll eventually have to leave her too.

I think this is really good. She sounds like she may get abusive -you don't ever want that. SHe is very controlling.

" She just loves to tell my how messed up I am " - you don't need that EVER. You're not messed up.

Take the next 6 months to yourself. I think someone here mentioned you shouldn't be involved with a women right now anyway - let alone a controlling women.

Time doesn't heal the pain, but LOVE does. You just to find someone who truly loves you and all the pain will go away. But don't forget most importantly, you have to love yourself also. With billions of people in this world, trust me, there is a right one out there for you. Have faith.

Hi everyone,
It's been a few months but, I'm back. As most of you know I broke up with my needy, possessive girlfriend a while back. It has been difficult for me. I'm not used to being single but, I know if I hook up with someone else right now, I won't be taking care of me. Anyway, she is not leaving me alone. She is calling my job and came over a few weeks ago banging on my door and windows. I know she is hurting but, I'm not the one who can help her through this. She claims I abandoned her and her crazy kids. That hurts. I know she constantly plays the victim.
Anyway, I am feeling lonely too. I miss being in a relationship and having someone to call and talk to. Someone always there to do activities with and to call when I need support. Although I am in a few 12 step groups sometimes, it's just that emotional connection I miss. I know I am being tested right now, to get through this difficult time. I know I could pick up the phone and start the dysfunctional cycle with her all over again. The truth is, I don't love her or want her. I just feel empty and lost right now.
I need advise from you all on how to keep moving through this without giving into her. Thanks everyone for being here : )

Everyone who had a recent break-up misses the closeness. Unless they have no heart or conscience, everyone misses it. You're like everyone else. Some people miss it so much, they go back to something that was bad.

You broke-up with her. What is worse, being lonely and dealing with your lonliness, or being with someone who is needy and possessive who will cause you more grief again later?

Clearly, your ex has not changed. She's even clingy after you guys have broken-up. If you're so lonely, call your friends. Go out. Do something.

Personally right now, I do go out some, but being alone and digesting my pain and dealing with it is what I need to do. The pain and lonliness are immense, but sometimes you have to face that as well, in trying to move on.

When my break first happened, I was going out a lot, even went on a few dates. Now, 2 months later, I'm going out less. I'm still in pain, but I'm now dealing with my own pain. I don't talk about the ex with anyone anymore.

People never like feeling pain. You have too. I hate the pain, I wish tomorrow I wake up and it's gone. I hope so. But my ex is not going to be able to take it away. It would only be temporary. Same with you.

Very good approach cali, I was going to give positve feeback. Guess I made so many mad and now I have to spread my unconvincing love. You face your own fear in order for it stop from haunting you. Letting go of yourself freely will give you more wisdom.

Yes get out more to get your mind off these things. Who knows maybe you'll find someone else that is better for you while doing so. She clearly has not changed the least bit, and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. After all, you come first not her.

Thank you everyone,
I think the hardest thing is thinking that I am single and worried about Holidays and the future. I do know however, for me to get back together with her and or find someone else right away would end up in misery.
I know I have to be OK with me first before I can have a healthy loving relationship. I just feel somewhat empty and find myself wanting to call her to ease the pain. Help, I need other options and what about the no contact thing?

I know this may cost money. What you need to do is change your phone number. That is just a start. I know she is hurting and you are hurting as well. At the same time she keeps banging on your doors and windows and even calling your work which intern can cause trouble for you. I would suggest you get a restraining order. That is just my advice. It might sound funny but it would be for the best.

Joe

Run from this pscho and protect yourself and stay with your program, just that simple. If the police have to be involved so be it. I think obsessed people like this can turn dangerous so always watch your back and good luck with your program.

I have to agree with Tal and Joe here. This could turn dangerous. We are not saying it will, but by the sound of your post it sounds possible.

How about family and friends? They're always good people to call and talk to when you need support. That's a very normal need you have but you don't need a relationship to do it. Keep working on you like you said. Go out and do the things you enjoy doing, with your friends as well as by yourself. Take up a new hobby or dust off an old one. Take a class or a vacation. You'll meet new people and make new friends. Then you won't feel so needy of a "relationship."

Thanks again for all the excellent advise. Here's another question... What do I do when she is texting me and saying she is hurting,sad etc. I feel bad and sometimes respond. I really want to stop and start to heal but, I allow her to "Hook me in", over and over. I know I need to stop all contact but, it's difficult. Will this just keep the unhealthy cycle to continue? Now she wants to be friends.

Do you have automatic ignore list or auto eject button sitting somewhere behind your ear?

If you always give in to her sob stories you will always get them to get your attention. No contact with her period, hopefully she will get the message, but it starts witth YOU.

Hi everyone,
Well, it's been a few months now since I broke up with my psysco girlfriend. I ended up having to get a restraining order after she destroyed my property. She came to my house and the police ended up taking her away. It was a lot of drama. Anyway, she has left me alone now and my question is : Why do I feel so empty? I have never been single for more than 4-5 months in whole adult life. I am now in my 40ties. I know it's time to find me but, I get somewhat nervous. I know if I hook up with someone right now, it won't work. But, the pain is so difficult sometimes, I just want to "fill in that hole".
I want to stay single and focus on me but, it's really uncomfortable. I tried to go out with someone last week and I was so uncomfortable and disconnected. Thank you ahead of time for your advise.

Well you need to find out how to fill that emptiness up and that does not mean necessarily finding a partner.
1. Finding yourself.
2. Finding a hobby.
3. Enjoy quality time alone.
4. Enjoy spending time with friends and family
5. Concenrate on your career.

I could keep going :)

I am sorry for your traumatic encounter. I remember your posts from that. As crazy as this sounds... it really does work that "that hole" you speak of can be like a magnet for people like your former girlfirend so it is wise to be trying to do something about it. With all due respect to Krs's post, I would be willing to bet (if you are empty like I have been) that you do some of that list already and the emptiness remains totally unaffected.

If so, it may be that you need a little professional help in the "find yourself" process. What is required to help in circumstances like this is far beyond what is possible here at AMHD. I'd like to stress that people don't go to counselors because they are somehow broken or mentall ill, they go because they are regular folk stuck in some aspect of their development and facing a life problem they don't know how to solve. I wish more people would go -- the world would be a better place! LOL A good counselor helps you navigate getting unstuck, doing the task you need to and sending you on your way. It can and often is quite pleasant or so I have often found it to be. And the outcome can be pretty spectacular too. There is really nothing to fear and I would be happy to answer more questions about it or give some advice on how to find a good one, if you're interested.

You are so in touch with your feelings (one third the task) and telling yourself the truth (another third of the task) that I bet whoever you see will thoroughly enjoy working with you! If you aren't sure what to say in your first session, ask them if what I conjectured in the beginning of this post about holes and magnets is accurate. LOL Besides, they know what to say on a first session too.

Don't delay. Its one of those things that, in looking back, you'll be not only glad you did but wished you had sooner.

Thanks, yes, I am seeing a counselor and looking at this stuff. The thing is, I know if I get into another relationship the pain won't be so bad. But, then I loose me again and really it's only putting a band aid on the problem. I still don't have me and I know I would cling onto that person and only prolong this process.

Put relationships at the back of your mind right now, you are not ready and prepared for it and if so you are wanting a relationship for the wrong reasons, you said it yourself.. the pain wont be so bad.
You won't be healing your pain that way just surpressing it.

Thanks, yes, I am seeing a counselor and looking at this stuff. The thing is, I know if I get into another relationship the pain won't be so bad. But, then I loose me again and really it's only putting a band aid on the problem. I still don't have me and I know I would cling onto that person and only prolong this process.
You are dead on the money about the band-aid thing. Hmmmm, your counselor should be helping you with that and if they aren't, get a new one! There are good ones and bad ones out there. If you don't experience some sense of relief or if you don't see yourself making progress over oh let's say ten visits then you need to see someone else. My take on how to gauge a good one is this:

I need to be largely comfortable and yet a little uncomfortable with who I see and this is why... comfortable so I can reveal and really talk openly but a little uncomfortable which is a good indication they can get me in my bs, which is also very needed.

If I may ask, how long have you been seeing them?

Questions - do you exercise? Do you eat properly and take vitamins? Very important.

Do you love yourself? Do you enjoying being alone?

I need my down time a lot. I can hang with myself and be happy as a clam.

Yes, I exercise. At times I enjoy my own company but, I find myself " running" mostly on the weekends. Part of my sick thinking tells me, " well she wasnt' that bad", yes she was messed up but, I always had someone to do things with and love me.
I know sounds crazy but I want to get better, and to get better, I need to be honest here.
I do have a great counselor who really makes me look at all this. As uncomfortable as it is, I know I know I cannot go find a rebound relationship.
Yes, it would take me out of me, temporarily but, than what. I pick another psyco girlfriend and I have to get a restraining order. The cycle is unhealthy. I want to get better, to where I don't need a relationship at all. Especially right now. But, I feel sad and lost also.

Hi everyone,
Well, it's been a few months now since I broke up with my psysco girlfriend. I ended up having to get a restraining order after she destroyed my property. She came to my house and the police ended up taking her away. It was alot of drama. Anyway, she has left me alone now and my question is : Why do I feel so empty? I have never been single for more than 4-5 months in whole adult life. I am now in my 40ties. I know it's time to find me but, I get somewhat nervous. I know if I hook up with someone right now, it won't work. But, the pain is so difficult sometimes, I just want to "fill in that hole".
I want to stay single and focus on me but, it's really uncomfortable. I tried to go out with someone last week and I was so uncomfortable and disconnected. Thank you ahead of time for your advise.
You need to be single. No one can fill up that hole but you. You need to spend time doing things for yourself. Find out what your hobbies are. Learn about your likes and dislikes. When you feel that need to date or hook up do something else for YOURSELF. Pick up a book, call friends, go to a movie, journal, take a class etc.

Yes, I exercise. At times I enjoy my own company but, I find myself " running" mostly on the weekends. Part of my sick thinking tells me, " well she wasnt' that bad", yes she was messed up but, I always had someone to do things with and love me.
I know sounds crazy but I want to get better, and to get better, I need to be honest here.
I do have a great counselor who really makes me look at all this. As uncomfortable as it is, I know I know I cannot go find a rebound relationship.
Yes, it would take me out of me, temporarily but, than what. I pick another psyco girlfriend and I have to get a restraining order. The cycle is unhealthy. I want to get better, to where I don't need a relationship at all. Especially right now. But, I feel sad and lost also.
LOL Are you ducking my question about how long have you been seeing your current counselor or didn't you see it?

Sorry, didn't see it 2 years now.

Sorry, didn't see it 2 years now.
Forgive me here but either fire that counselor or sell me the brooklyn bridge. LOL

Far far too long to be appropriate and almost not credible from my experience and I know a great deal about the topic of counseling.

That you are here posting like you are verifies the ineffectiveness of what the two of you are doing. Had you answered something I could trust more as truthful and told me something that indicated the counselor knew what they were doing, I would have also suggested that posting here might not be the best idea when what you need to do is pick up your phone right now and call your counselor. Watering down an effective counselor's work is a real risk you take doing something like posting here.

Get to work on an actual solution and quit fooling around is what I see needed here. No more "yeah buts".

As a sidebar to everyone reading this post: Please, please DO NOT waste your hard earned money or precious time with a counselor who is ineffective like this. They ought to be shot as far as I am concerned. :eek:

Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I sent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.

Actually - I think Val is right.

Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I sent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.


First off, Val nor anyone, knew from your previous posts that you were going to a counsellor for alcoholism. I thought,from your previous posts, that you have been going to this person for relationship problems. Val is not one to tell you to quit someone for no reason at all. Her input is very good and should be taken as such.

Wow, I thought this was a place to get support. I just began working with my counsloer on relationship stuff. I spent most of the time working on my recovery from alcoholism. This stuff just recently came up. I trust my therapist and we have a great relationship. You are very quick to judge without knowing me.
I can really appreciate your recovery from alcoholism-- firsthand even. I can see how you might think your codependency is recent but any counselor worth their salt would not. Do you forget that I have read through a number of threads containing quite a few posts of yours?

If you don't like what I suggest, please don't take the suggestion. If you are happy with your counselor, then stay. I would clarify that this place is where people look for answers, solutions, ideas that work. Support is a part of it but when its over emphasized or only that, it tends to turn into long threads that go nowhere. You only need to look at the threads by Blueiman to see where that ends too.

To think a solution can be reached without some judgement involved is totally unrealistic. I have no reason to hurt you, and resisting truth is often painful. I know from having done it myself many many times. I have learned to appreciate those who tell it to me even as it hurts in a kind of "shoot the message but not the messenger" kind of way. I can't exactly disown what I know about poor counseling. I made efforts you may not realise trying to put it in a way that was palatable for you too because I thought AND STILL DO think you were/are worth it! Please notice that I made more of a harsh judgement on a counselor I have never met than you. I do so on the basis of having met and known enough counselors -- good and bad -- to make the sort of distinctions as I have here.

If you don't want to trust that or me, I understand... I really do. No hard feelings about it. But it does work that you cannot ask for help, and then not trust the help, and still expect to end up helped... and that dilemma has plagued you for some time. In recovery terms, its Step One.

You sound like you want people to tell you what you want to hear. Not the truth.
I think your consellor does that and that is why you think he / she is so good.

And when someone here offers advice (that you asked for mind you) that youn don't want to hear you get a little defensive.

Could this be true?
Just a question you can answer in you own head. You don't have to post a response...

My opinion, and that's all it is, is that you need a new consellor to solve some of these problems. After 2 years you should be making progress one would think. And some of the thoughts I see you share in your posts don't indicate progress.

You sound like you are looking for excuses go back to something that didn't work or find something new that Won't work to fill a hole in your life.

IMO a good consellor would have completely dealt with that issue by now one would have thought.

If you have been in counseling for 2 years then you have some understanding of how you work, or should. If your in a 12 step program I know for a fact they tell you to stay out of any new relationships because you need to focus on your recovery. They also will tell you two sick people never can make it together and that, you had better believe. So either your counselor, ain't worth the money or you're not living up to the things you should be doing to be healthy. Since you have no sponsor, I can only guess that your not doing the things that you shouldbe doing, that I'm sure, have been laid out to you. That's why you have a hole in your soul and are so confused about yourself. Leave the excuses to those that don't know any better, and do as your told to heal and move on.

Hang out and yuk it up with your friends! I'm surprised nobody has said anything about that. How about the rest of your family?

Surround yourself with family, good friends, take up a new hobby, visit a place where no one knows you and make new friends there,. see where I am going with this, as well as velvetjones?

Having a relationship to 'fill a gap' isn't healthy; just because you aren't with someone, doesn't make you a horrible person. Find something new to keep you occupied! :)

Hi everyone,
I'm back to say hello to you all. Surprising or not I still find myself struggling with getting over my ex after two years ago. I've been busy with my life, trying to date, but I still seem to still have an intense connection with my ex. We have been e-mailing each other practically every other day. Checking in with each other. She's in another relationship and has been for a year now. She claims to be "happy" but, I wonder why she is still keeping in contact with me. She tells me about what her and her partner are doing and I try not to react. But honestly, I still hurt. I went by her job last week to say hi. She was super excited to see me and our visit went well. She looked so good to me. I just wanted to jump out of my car and shake her into telling me she still cares about me, but... it NEVER comes out of her mouth. It's so frustrating because I know she still loves me but, will never tell me. I asked her once, " Do you miss me at all, ever". She said " I miss alot of things".
It's not like I'm waiting around for her, but it is difficult to connect with someone else when I'm feeling this strong connection with her. I know, I know... stop contacting her. It's really hard and I appreciate your advise.

Sure sounds like you're waiting around for a girl who has been in a relationship for over a year and a half... I hate to break it to you but if this is a test of will power between the two of you, you'll lose... And if isn't, then you're a back up plan and do you really want to be that?

Like you said, take a hike all ready! However, if you want and need to vent, feel free!

So, basically what your saying is she's probably keeping me on the back burner? Why does she seem so interested in my life?

She is keeping in contact with you because your letting her!

She knows you still have feelings for her and she likes it. She likes to knows she has power over you and controls you. Because she does!

C'mon man... you honestly think she still loves you/

What makes you think that?

She is with someone else and has been for a long time. She doesn't love you, she loves that she controls you! And the worst part is that your blind to it all!

Please let her go. Move on. Stop contacting her and let her have her new man and new life.

And get a life of your own without her in it.

Please for your own sake cut contact and move on. This isn't healthy what your doing! Your just tormenting yourself!

So, basically what your saying is she's probably keeping me on the back burner? Why does she seem so interested in my life?

Yes she is keeping you on the back burner in my opinion. She has you right where she wants you. Under her command and control.

She knows if something goes awry with the new guy then she will have good old you there to fall back on and make her feel great about herself again!!

Are you happy to be that guy? I hope not!!

Do you realise how desperate and needy you sound here.

You are trapped in massive denial.

You knows she loves you and cares for you but it never comes out of her mouth?? What are you on about?? Really it is painfully obvious... She doesn't love you anymore. She loves controlling you!

Is this the same needy, possessive and psycho ex you talk about in your previous posts?

Im confused.

Please read his previous threads everyone and decipher for me!!

No this was the one before her. Ok, I get it.. I'm acting like a fool Your right she has the control and I need to take it back. SO, what if she e-mails me, call me? What then? Ignore her?

OK sorry. The one before. Ive read a bit more now and understand.

My advice above still stands though. I think you know what to do!!

Be polite but distant... If she wants you, man, she'll be there. You're only playing into her hands by being her lapdog. I mean, the best case scenario here is that she considers you a really good friend and you consider her MUCH MORE THAN THAT! Do you want to be that sad guy at the end of the movie who confesses his unrequited love after taking the bullet (for whatever reason)? No way!

If she still has feelings for you, that stuff will manifest. If not, not.

I agree that she wants you on the back burner in case something goes wrong with what she is doing now but do you really want to play the role of 'door mat'..

Surely you value yourself more than that..

Oh, and to answer your previous question about why is she so interested in your life?

She is interested in knowing if she still has control over you, if she still has you which in fact, she quite clearly does. You must regain control yourself.

Cut all contact!

<<She knows you still have feelings for her and she likes it. She likes to knows she has power over you and controls you. Because she does!
>>

She may not even realise he still has feelings..
I'm not sure its even about power or control ,she just thinks he wants to be friends.
But she is with the other guy and happy and the reason she mentions him is just not to give you any false hope.
Even if she breaks up with him she will find someone else.

So, the answer here is Cut off all contact. Regain my control. Rol, why do you say that even if she breaks up with her current partner she will find someone else?
Doesn't make sense.Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. I have decided to cut off all contact. I know when things hit the fan, and they will She will be trying to contact me. I just know I have to be strong and not engage. I know this has kept me stuck from dating other woman. I want too but, I guess I have been waiting for this one.

I just feel you have fallen into the "friend zone"

Yes cut off the contact and at least you will be out of that zone.

Then she will either feel the absence from her life or will not, but as she is so happy with her current boyfriend she probably will not.

i just feel you have fallen into the "friend zone"

Yes cut off the contact and at least you will be out of that zone.

Then she will either feel the absense from her life or will not, but as she is so happy with her current boyfriend she probably will not.


I agree and until she is unhappy, she won't be placing you anywhere but in the friend zone, if that is really where she wants/has you.

LET HER GO DUDE!!

She's with another guy!!

You MIGHT be plan B - NO ONE WANTS TO BE PLAN B.

She msut like the attention... just stop.

Yep - you're there friend AND you ACT like her friend. That's it.

EXTREMELY, extremely hard to get out the friend zone - once a woman places you in the friedn zone - you're pretty much done. She's moved on - never to return - that' s just women.

Wh tmight happen is IF you stop contact - she may one day have feelinsg again.

Why would that be. Because people always want what they can't have? And if she see's that I'm not there she may miss me, us?

Why would that be. Because people always want what they can't have? And if she see's that I'm not there she may miss me, us?
No! You are not relationship material, only a plaything for when she is bored. You have no clue about relationships, and she knows that, so you are there to amuse her when she has nothing else to do. I strongly suggest you go back and see all the posts you have made here and decide to stop playing games with yourself, and start to grow up and make better decisions.

Why would that be. Because people always want what they can't have? And if she see's that I'm not there she may miss me, us?

Can you please get it out of your head that this girl loves you or will love you again.
She is gone. She isn't coming back!

Cutting contact with her isn't about getting her back. I thought there was progress being made here and WC posts his thing about maybe one day she will have feeling for you again if you cut contact and then all of sudden you run with it and think that cutting contact will bring her back.
Well ill tell you something. IT Don't!!

Don't think like that! It isn't about getting her back. It is about you!

Man you guys are finished. Why can you not accept that?

You know what she is doing right now?? Lying in bed with her new man telling her how in love she is with him. How she has never been happier and she loves every moment she spends with him.

She's not thinking of you the same way you are obsessing / thinking of her. So be a man, be strong and stop letting her control your life!

How do you spell u-s-e and a-b-u-s-e me?

Hang onto your ex in any capacity you can...
Listen to all the gory details of her current tryst, hoping she won't notice you flinching...
Hope beyond all hope because gee, its just so romantic.

Does it work to get her back?

Let's see, everyone who has experienced that working in their life, please raise your hand (or post here).
And be sure to include if it worked out long term too... when you got an ex back, okay?

Dude, okay you guys have stayed friends for awhile, during this time has she seen you with other women or heard you talking about other women? If she has, and she didn't bat an eye then you can take it to the bank that she only likes you as a friend. If she comes off as a little jealous then you might be accurate in thinking she still has feelings for you. I bet you don't ever discuss other women with her though? If you guys are going to stay friends, it might be time to start. There's no better way to get back in a woman's head than by showing them the hottie that is so lucky to be with you!

Dude, okay you guys have stayed friends for awhile, during this time has she seen you with other women or heard you talking about other women? If she has, and she didnt bat an eye then you can take it to the bank that she only likes you as a friend. If she comes off as a little jealous then you might be accurate in thinking she still has feelings for you. I bet you don't ever discuss other women with her though? If you guys are going to stay friends, it might be time to start. There's no better way to get back in a woman's head than by showing them the hottie that is so lucky to be with you!

This is a very unhealthy and immature way to go about things and I wouldn't advocate this at all!

EXTREMELY, extremely hard to get out the friend zone - once a woman places you in the friedn zone - you're pretty much done. She's moved on - never to return - that' s just women.
Okay one minute you are claiming she is gone for good here...

Wh tmight happen is IF you stop contact - she may one day have feelinsg again.
And the next minute you are suggesting she might discover her feelings and then what... return to him??

I see women are not the only ones who have trouble making up their minds! :rolleyes:

Do you really enjoy torturing yourself like this? I would never do it. My ex tried this "friends" thing with me and I was "nice" and let it go on for a bit, then I nipped it in the bud for myself when I realized how hard it was for ME. Yes, I still miss him, but I know I can't be just friends with him and I won't do it. I know that he won't be back, but at least I don't have to be tortured by hearing details of him and his new girlfriend. He tried that once and that was IT. I cut all contact off at that point. I suggest you do the same. You can't control her, her thoughts, who she wants to be with, etc. All you can do is live your own life and try to be the best that you can be and live the best life that you can.

I'm not saying I am completely over my ex. I still care for him. I even have the occasional thought of wishing he would try to reconcile with me. But as far as being just his friend and letting him torture me with details of a new girlfriend? I don't think so. Besides, I refuse to give him what he wanted... to be able to dump me for another girl out of nowhere, yet still have me in his life to talk to like before. He made his decision to hurt me for someone else, to put her as more valuable than me. So, let him live with it. It wasn't meant to be for the two of us. I have to accept that.

sfqt33,
Your not doing yourself any favors by being this girls back-up-boy...
It's not an appealing label... and it's never really a girls intentions to ever move the back-up-boy to first in line.
I'm not proud to admit this, but I had back-up-boys in the past - like Skell said, it was because I could... and guess what else... my husband was never one of them... and I was never one of his back-up-girls...
Have you ever wondered where the saying "Good guys come in last" came from?? It's situations like this! Don't continue on with allowing yourself to be placed last in line. There's also a saying used for back-up-girls too (which I've been one myself and had to learn the hard way), but I can't recall it at the moment...
Never-the-less, take it from me, but learn from your mistake... and go find a girl that's going to put you in that #1 spot!! Trust me, she's out there!
-Kae

She may or may not be intentionally keeping your hopes alive, but you are certainly putting yourself in a stuck position, and will never heal or move on and still will never have what you think you want from this woman. Work on yourself and get healthy so you can at least see the brick wall your running into. You don't know how to love yourself and as I have said you'll never be relationship material as long as your stuck in your unhealthy FANTASY.

Thank you everyone who has answered my posts. Your posts have really helped me. I realized that I'm more important than this woman. I have decided to stop all contact with her and get to know myself. Your all right.I don't have myself because I have been so focused on getting her back. I'm done trying to think I can control her and make her change her mind. I'm worth more than that. Right now, I need to heal and the only way I can do that is by staying away from her. As much as it hurts, I know no one new will come into my life until I fully let her go. She doesn't deserve me or my love and attention. I may need support through this process though because it's going to be difficult to not respond to her e-mails and phone calls. Bottom line: She doesn't deserve me. I just think I need some "single" time to get healthy but, it's hard because I have always been in a relationship and I don't want to find someone else to get me out of the pain.

Thank you everyone who has answered my posts. Your posts have really helped me. I realized that I'm more important than this woman. I have decided to stop all contact with her and get to know myself. Your all right.I don't have myself because I have been so focused on getting her back. I'm done trying to think I can control her and make her change her mind. I'm worth more than that. Right now, I need to heal and the only way I can do that is by staying away from her. As much as it hurts, I know no one new will come into my life until I fully let her go. She doesn't deserve me or my love and attention. I may need support through this process though because it's going to be difficult to not respond to her e-mails and phone calls. Bottom line: She doesn't deserve me. I just think I need some "single" time to get healthy but, it's hard because I have always been in a relationship and I don't want to find someone else to get me out of the pain.

I think we may be seeing some progress here. I hope so. You do seem somewhat more focused and determined in this post than any of your previous stating the same.

You will get as much support here as we can offer so never be afraid to come and vent. Be strong and realise that what your doing now is for your own benefit. Giving in will not be in your best interests.

Don't even worry about anyone new coming into your life right now. You don't need it or really want it. I like your idea of remaining single time. It is so important.

Trust me here. I have been through it. I have been single now for almost 12 months after a 7 year relationship and it has been the best thing for me. Yes there have been times when I have been extremely lonely and miserable. Still is in fact. But it has been a time when I have learnt so much about myself. About who I was, what was good, what is bad. I have just grown and learnt so much about myself.

I think you'll find a similar thing yourself if you give it a chance.

Thank you everyone who has answered my posts. Your posts have really helped me. I realized that I'm more important than this woman. I have decided to stop all contact with her and get to know myself. Your all right.I don't have myself because I have been so focused on getting her back. I'm done trying to think I can control her and make her change her mind. I'm worth more than that. Right now, I need to heal and the only way I can do that is by staying away from her. As much as it hurts, I know no one new will come into my life until I fully let her go. She doesn't deserve me or my love and attention. I may need support through this process though because it's going to be difficult to not respond to her e-mails and phone calls. Bottom line: She doesn't deserve me. I just think I need some "single" time to get healthy but, it's hard because I have always been in a relationship and I don't want to find someone else to get me out of the pain.
Smart move, sfqt33. Once you let go at your end the grieving/healing can really begin. It gets held up by people trying to hang on. Skell, Chuff, Geofferson, BlazingCold, umm sorry if I've left any out -- they really know what they are talking about firsthand. I have seen each one of them make very serious and substantial progress that will pay off incredibly HANDSOMELY down the road, even they may not fully realise that yet! You can make this pain count for something great -- a stronger, more adult, more powerful and authentic you who can and will attract someone equally as capable the next time because that IS how it works. And you are learning that now.

Being alone and on your own is required in order to know you can do it, you can make a single life worthwhile. It makes it possible for you to leave desperation out of the equation when it comes to wanting/choosing the next woman. You get to want her instead of need her and THAT changes everything. You won't be able to be ransomed like this ever again and the women who would ransom you like this will not give you a second look. I know, I used to be one and now I am not anything like that. And you aren't giving up hope entirely, its just doesn't have her name on it anymore and its better to hope for something healthy and attainable... even if it is the unknown at this point. Good decision. Very very good.

Thank you everyone who has answered my posts. Your posts have really helped me. I realized that I'm more important than this woman. I have decided to stop all contact with her and get to know myself. Your all right.I don't have myself because I have been so focused on getting her back. I'm done trying to think I can control her and make her change her mind. I'm worth more than that. Right now, I need to heal and the only way I can do that is by staying away from her. As much as it hurts, I know no one new will come into my life until I fully let her go. She doesn't deserve me or my love and attention. I may need support through this process though because it's going to be difficult to not respond to her e-mails and phone calls. Bottom line: She doesn't deserve me. I just think I need some "single" time to get healthy but, it's hard because I have always been in a relationship and I don't want to find someone else to get me out of the pain.
I'm sooo happy to read this!! Just keep coming here to vent if you need to and for the support - you'll get lots of it!
-Kae

Hi all,
I have posted several times before about my situation. I am having a hard time breaking up with my girlfriend. I start to pull away and take care of myself, get strong, hang out with my family and friends and than bam, I get scared and lonely and give into her. She says something and I get sucked back into the relationship. Then I think, I am not a spring chicken and start wondering, " will I ever find anyone else". I know I have alot to offer someone, but I'm scared. I have been intensely working on myself and trying to get in touch with my feelings through therapy and other spiritual work.
I suppose I have abandonment issues I need to look at. My friend said to stop beating myself up and except the fact that it is a "process". I am building up the strength to leave her. I don't know why leaving her is so difficult for me.
I know I have no future with her. She drains me,every time I talk to her.
I don't want to go find someone else to make this break up easier. I want to do it healthy. Help, why can't I do this?????
I think you should go and find someone else to make the break up easier that seems the only way.

i think you should go and find someone else to make the break up easier that seems the only way.

This question was asked over 12 months ago now. Look at the date before answering please.