Hey Guys,

I need real help!

Me and my girlfriend are on a break at the moment (initiated by her) but I wasn't surprised because I now have come to the realization that I was taking her for granted, as she lived with me, and I knew she was always there. However I never really make extra effort to make time with her, which I really, really, really regret, because I love her so much! It was mainly because of university, and working full time.

Anyway the night we went on a break, I was really suspicious of it, so I looked through her messages, and hey, presto I found out that she 100% cheated on me (she was very very very drunk and in the text said she hated herself for it).

I asked her about it all, and she denied, and started to get really upset, and defensive. Bringing up her old boyfriend used to accuse her of cheating. But I didn't let her know I knew by looking at her texts. She said that we will be getting back together, but she needed a little bit of time apart (she moved back to her home), and that when we get back together she would like to move out.

She was over the other day to visit my family (who she loves, especially my mother), and I got another chance to look at her texts. She's STILL MESSAGING THE GUY!

I want to try bring it up again, but if I tell her I read her texts, then I know its definitely going to be over forever, which I really don't want to happen, because if she admits it to me, I can honestly forgive her, and we can work on our trust, and build it back up again.

At the moment, I'm doing OK on the break, and just trying not to talk to her at all, and only text her when she texts me. If that was the case then it would all be fine, but because of that message, that's all that runs through my mind! I wish I never had read it!

I don't know whether to wait until we are (maybe) properly back together, off the break, or if to ask her about it next time I see her? I'm so lost, please help.


Edited/T

You want honesty from her so you have to be honest yourself.

I think you need to be totally honest with her about looking through her phone and finding her text about cheating and her communicating with the person in question.

You both need to know where you stand and what needs to be worked on should you decide to stay together.

The big problem with 'snooping' is that once you start it is very hard to stop especially when you find 'proof' something happened. You have already shown a tendency to keep looking to check out your suspicions. It is going to continue to be a temptation because the fear she is still in contact with him will be there whether she admits guilt or not.

I am not saying that a relationship can't survive cheating, but it takes a lot more work than I think you realize. Admitting guilt (if she is guilty, drunken texts may or may not hold truth), is just the beginning. You both have to be willing to let go and work together without holding past actions against each other.

I'll be honest in saying that I think she is already on her way out of the relationship. You said she has told you she wants to live apart after the break. She is still talking to the other person. You may have had the realization you were taking her for granted too late for her to want to try to work out the issues. The accusation of cheating without telling her why or how you became suspicious may remind her too much of her ex.

If the ex kept invading her privacy to confirm his suspicions, then it sounds like history repeating itself. It may be that she needs to take time to figure out how to stop the cycle she seems to have gotten caught up in. If so, I suggest going your own way and taking care of yourself to keep from creating a cycle of your own.

Thanks for your help but I can't control how I feel about her I just love her way too much all I want is her back first... however I meant she wants to move out of her home and get our own place together after the break, sorry...

Harshness Warning

Oh hell no guy, I think you are crazy myself. For one she cheated, and still is in touch with the guy, so she is still cheating. Drunk regrets are not excuses. No matter the problems you have come to see on your part, they are no excuse for cheating, and lying.

Obviously since you didn't have the guts to be honest as to how you found out, then your guilt has you overlooking the obvious, she never talked to you about being unhappy before, and took the easy way out. Leaving and still carrying on while you miss her funky draws. She even gives you the impression that there is a chance to get back together. Yeah right, when she figures out who she really wants to be with!!

Yet still you play the poor sap who takes all the blame, and has all the hope.

That's pure crazy, in light of ALL the facts, and she is still deceiving you. Yeah she dumped you, and is playing on your stupidity, and the only thing to do is just cut her from your life, since you both can't be honest with each other.

This is a sham that needs to stop, and to bad you don't have the courage do the right thing for yourself. Leave her alone, and get your dignity, and self respect back. Only a fool is dishonest with himself. Only a fool doesn't stand up for himself, so he falls for any BS, anyone puts down.

Look in the mirror. Is that a zip darn fool you are looking at? If not, do the right thing for yourself.

People are going to jump all over you for looking at her texts, just warning you.

Once a cheater always a cheater. That is to say, she cheated on you once, so you will forever see her as such, whether she remains faithful. Basically the relationship is over. Move on and focus on your schoolwork.

This is the best thing you can do... END THE RELATIONSHIP.

Here is why:
1) The fact of knowing that she had cheated on you means that you will never be able to completely trust her again, and if there is no trust there is no relationship.
2) It is making you crazy to know information and you go on a blood hungry detective setting at trying to find information that you KNOW is going to hurt you, this is very damaging because it is a vicious circle that will never let you be calm.
3) This is a girl that has cheated on you and has no respect for you or for the relationship whether she was stupid enough to get hammered or not. Not only that, but she is STILL talking to the person, at least out of respect I would assume that she would cut conversation with the guy.

This will create more and more problems and with time it will end your relationship, it is a ticking time bomb, just a matter of time. So instead of wasting your time, start moving on ad find someone who is going to want to be with you, not put you on a break and keep you as a back up plan. Considering that you do not love this girl, but rather you are obsessed with this girl, I can guarantee you that you will not take this advice and continue to move forward with the mistakes I have just warned you about. Either way the lesson will be learned, as to how you choose to learn it is completely in your hands.

Good Luck,
Javi

P.S. Been there... Done that.

I have a question for you... do you love yourself enough to be with someone honest? DO you love yourself enough to say "I deserve someone who is 100% committed, 100% faithful, and at least respects me enough to admit their mistakes". Not only is she continuing to cheat on you, she is lying and trying to make you feel guilty for suspecting her of what she is actually doing. That is a selfish and cruel person, and she will keep treating you like crap until you dump her and make it stop. If you are willing to keep shifting the blame for her indiscretions to yourself, and to keep waiting for her while she messes around, don't expect her to change. She has a good thing, why would she be different if you aren't going anywhere? Please stop being a doormat.

Threads merged together/T


I'm on a break with my girl and it was started by her, I'm in so much pain from it and want to talk to her everyday! (we both said we are still together and still love each other, she even said she could never stop loving me ever, but we are just separate for a while) but when we decided to go on a break she said she didn't know how long she would need, so I said well so I don't go nuts and start texting you like crazy and so I know I'm giving you enough space, I promise I'll only text you if you text me first...

After going on this forum and reading into it (which is helping my mind) I'm not sure what to do if she calls or texts me.. When I say text or call I don't mean as in to get back together or something (because that's a no brainer), just if she texts me saying hope your doing well and how is Uni etc etc (if I don't text back will she think I'm a snob and don't want to talk to her?)... She's text me before saying she was coming over and I was so excited but then she pulled out a few hours prior...

So yeah that's what I need help with... When she wants to hang or texts me to just generally chat what should I do?


Thanks so much for any advice in advance... Cheers

If you love her, text her back, she probably needs you, but don't let her send you on a guilt trip to breaking down and answering her. Keep it low key and don't get wishy washy.

Tick

Why does she want a break?

I say when people ask you for a break you go no contact and disappear-dont allow another person to call the shots.

Its really telling you start another question, and leave out the fact that she lied, cheated, and dumped you, and that alone should give you the idea of ignoring her, healing, and looking at your complete lack of understand as to what you have gone through, or the actions you take now.

I just can't believe you are being lead by a nose ring to false hope, and misery. Why is it so absolutely important for you to disappear from her life?? To be completely unavailable for her BS, and to get your confidence, and dignity, and self respect back!

I know, you want someone to come along and tell you the secret of getting her back, and making her a good dedicated girl friend. Been there, done that, and know the misery of being dumped, and dumped on. We all here have. Sorry it never works like that and put simply, it doesn't matter not one rats patoot what she thinks of you never speaking to her again, and if you had the balls you were born with you would tell her to "leave me the HELL alone you lying, cheating, beeyatch, go find some other dumba$$ to run your BS on!".

Not only will you go a long way to feeling better, but you get a measure of dignity letting her know her disrespect for you will not go on. That's what it comes down to my broken hearted friend. Standing up for yourself, so you just don't fall for any old thing people (HER) tries to put you through.

At least see she is doing her thing, but intending to keep you close in case her other thing doesn't work. You could pray for the poor fool who is under her spell now. You don't have to be a miserable fool unless you want to be.

I have to be completely honest, and tal will hang me for the answer I gave before, but for the life of me I can't remember OP saying anything about g/f cheating and texting the guy she cheated with. Where have I been ? Did you edit your post and add more, or...

Heck, please disregard my previous advice, and I have to remind you of the old saying, once a cheater always a cheater and that is absolutely how it is.

I re-read your post, markwebber and you are losing dignity here and if we never have anything in life, we should never lose that. It is the glue that holds everything together. Your dignity holds your head up. And re-asserts your pesonality.

I think at this point you need to get completely away from this situation where you can think clearly; she has you completely under her sway and for a man that is not a good place to be.

Tick

Thanks, tal, for letting me know threads were merged, I thought I was getting a little discombobulated (if there is still such a word) there.

Hey guys thanks for the help! Definitely puts a whole new mindset on it all. The thing is thought I can't help but think what if it was a massive massive mistake, you know you hear of these things happeneing all the time girl cheats - big mistake she knows it - realises it - never again -... she's just that kind of person I think... Or do they all just end up the same...

That's a lot of false hope you have going through your head isn't it? It doesn't matter what she learned, feels lousy about. Not one bit. The main priority now is to get YOUR head together, and feelings under YOUR control, so you won't be governed by what ifs, or false hopes.

That's how you deal with the reality of your situation. With FACTS, and not just feelings, or fantasy. Take the time to do so for yourself, and you will see things in a more objective way, and stop wasting time on what ifs.

It's a fact that those who make themselves the priority, get their acts together, and no longer want the drama and misery of a bad partner, or failed relationship, and rather explore their options to be happy, and move to better things.

But of course, if you want to be stuck, well that's a choice also. Completely up to you.

Don't do this to yourself man. Don't keep beating yourself up like this. She is using you emotionally and you are allowing her to do it. You know she cheated, you know she was still doing it after you went on your break. She doesn't really care about you as much as you think she does... and to lay it out bluntly, I don't think you care as much for her as you are making yourself believe you do. It's your mind playing games with you. It happens. As was already said, we've been through this (I know I have and it was hell). Learn from our experience. I can't really say for sure that she would cheat on you again but I can say I'm 99% sure that she will.

Don't do this. Please, for your own good, end communication with her as Tal said and just walk away... walk away and save yourself. Believe me, someone eventually will come along and you will see the fireworks again and you will think back to this girl and want to kick yourself in the butt for putting up with it. Trust us.

Hey guys thanks for the help! Definitely puts a whole new mindset on it all. The thing is thought I can't help but think what if it was a massive massive mistake, you know you hear of these things happeneing all the time girl cheats - big mistake she knows it - realises it - never again - ... shes just that kind of person I think... Or do they all just end up the same....

Only mistake in your thinking, mark, is that once a cheater, always a cheater. There are people who just can't commit to a monogomous relationship and stick with it. What was lacking in your relationship was a lack of communication and one sided affection.

Hey All,

I've recently reunited with my girl of 2 years during which time we went on a bit of a break for about 3 months, every time we hung out it was amazing and I said to her we are idiots for even trying to throw this away, she agreed and suggested we take it slow...

I talked to a few people about this break (when it all happened) as it was the worst thing ever, they all had a similar opinion about what to do which was she was being selfish and I needed to stop waiting and leave her etc etc and that she was saying one thing and doing another... however they were all wrong, in the time we had apart she found herself in a new fulltime job, started a fitness course to become a PT all aimed at directing her future at a career as a physio therapist, all in three months! She said she needed the break and time alone to do exactly this as she felt that when we were together we were stuck in such a rut and we were so busy with our then jobs she felt like she couldn't do much else but work and sleep... anyway sorry about the winde up there about the situation but see this is how our relatioship differs a bit because we never ever fought and either of us were "jerks" or "*****es" etc...

Anyway, back to the question... Im looking for advice on how to take it "slow" which I know in general means exactly that.. TAKE IT SLOW... but I'm looking for minor details of it all... like who texts/calls who and how often should we try meet or how often should we talk... just stuff like that... I don't need to know about when to take it further than "SLOW" because I believe that will happen as it happens naturally...

Any advice would be fantastic...
Cheers

Congratulations in getting back together I wish you the best of luck on this. It is a rare thing for this to happen so consider yourself lucky. Now comes the hard part, how to approach everything because the first time around everything was so natural right? Taking it slow can mean several different things, but since she has seemly built a whole new her she is going to have to learn how to inflitrate you into her life again. Let her make the moves, be there for her but don't push her into doing anything she doesn't ask for (especially sex) and don't expect this to be completely the way it used to be before. She has changed, and both you and her are going to have to accommodate at her new lifestyle. You are going to just have to see how things go and call it by ear on this, play nice, play safe, and play on her side.

Let her make the moves... fantastic! Thanks :) And yeah everything the first time round was natural it all just happened so fast

Congrats on getting back together, you don't hear that happening too often here. You obviously handled the break very well and she missed you.
For now,let her take the lead with things. The dynamic has changed in the relationship a little.
Be your same good self but don't come across too pushy in wanting to spend time together. Learn to become 'versatile'..
Keep things fresh + light between you two.. so that means no pressure on arranging nights together if she's busy with her new commitments etc..
Still have time for you & nights with your friends,just as she will hers.

Let her initiate things for the first while and everything will follow.
Good luck

Thanks you guys rock! :) and yeah it was really really difficult on the break but I pretty much gave her space and that's all it took I think...

When you say let her take the lead and let her initiate things, does that mean everything? For example I need to know how often I should text or call her to say hello how is your day etc and if she doesn't reply do I just leave it until she does not matter how long... I found myself in a situation the other day where I text her asking something like what are you doing on Sunday and she said I'll check my work roster and then I said OK get back to me then, a day goes by and it's now the day before Sunday and still nothing so I text her in the morning saying hope you have a good day and still another day and nothing... Do you think I'm pushing it a bit much and should just wait until she contacts me every time?? Because I get the sense that if I do that she will think Ive lost interest just like when she doesn't write back I think She's lost interest ahaha??

Sorry for the ramble it's just a situation I've never felt with before... Cheers

I think you have done your part. You have let her know you are interested in doing something on Sunday with her so the ball is pretty much in her court with this one. Say no more about meeting or it could become slightly 'pushy' to her.
(in reality you arnt being pushy, I say that purely because of your situation where you haven't fully got back into the swing of things in the relationship yet & things still appear delicate)

Hopefully she'll get back to you on this one but if not then don't panic, she might just be distracted with a busy workload.
What I mean by letting her iniate things for the moment is to let her ask you to meet up etc (just for the time being).. its just about her trying to find her feet again in the relationship + manage to fit the relationship into her new lifestyle. She knows you want to spend time together,if she can't do Sunday then its her responsibility to arrange an alternate time for you two.

I know its torture waiting for her to get back to you but trust me.. Allow her these little intervals of breathing space for the first few weeks.
Remember that you have both agreed to get back into this relationship together, you have 'needs & wants' too. Its all about you both finding the correct balance for life together & separate i.e. socialising individually/ working etc.

Hey All,

I've been back with my girlfriend for a few weeks now after we broke up over something which she feels wasn't my fault one bit(long long story) etc etc... Anyway, she was over the other day and I told her I'm nervous about us and I constantly ask her questions about us even though I know the answer and I always tell her how I feel (I'm thinking this is like a defense thing going on in my brain, because I was so badly shattered when we first broke up, she said that she knows that she needs to prove I can trust her again)
I don't know if you would call it clingy but I think it may be, I always say that I don't want to be clingy to her and she said she has actually said to me we don't need to be attached at the hip and to just go with the flow... For example the other day I was freaking out because she wouldn't text me back and I waited for it all day long, she then text me saying sorry and she left her phone at her best friends house and was at work all day...

I feel that I am pushing it and she is getting annoyed so I told her that I was sorry and asked if we could start over from when we said we are together we love each other and that's all that matters she said yes... The problem is I still feel insecure about it and try to talk to her everyday (not about us, but I try really hard to contact her if there is no reply right away), and I've promised her we won't talk about 'us' anymore... I don't know I feel like I'm scaring her away before it even starts again.

I guess what's happening is even though she's the one that came back she still has the relationship power... I need to know is what can I do to control myself and become more of an emotionally attractive person able to relax and let the relationship take its natural course to grow and get better? As in how many times so I text her or ask her if I should come see her or if she's coming to see me... Or is it too late?

Thanks Heaps

You minimize the reasons for the breakup, then because of the breakup, you are insecure, with unresolved issues of trust. I presume this essential element needed for the understanding of what is going on now, is important. It would be helpful to know what broke you up, and why is it you cannot trust her.

Also, a natural lack of being able to trust a partner, without reservation, either needs to be understood, worked through, realized by both parties, in order to re-establish trust that should be there, or had been lost.

There is a reason in other words, why you feel the way you do.

What you are essentially saying is you want to trust her, you tell her you want to trust her, you try to do trusting things and get past your insecurity, but find that that annoying little thing just won't go away.

And it won't. What you are doing, is reacting to a situation, that sounds like she created.

You are held hostage to the unknown. To her, what happened was inconsequential, to you, it was life changing.

And still is affecting your life, your behaviour, your relationship.

Things just don't 'go away' because a person (particularly the one at fault) tells you to just 'go with the flow, essentially telling you that your needs, wants, expectations, feelings, mean nothing.

You on the other hand, present yourself in such a way as to think your insecurity is unjustified, even to the point of not solving this major rift in the relationship.

I don't think that having a third party (a counsellor) would be a bad idea. You need to be heard, in order that you can not only understand why you feel so insecure, but also that your insecurity was brought about by her actions, not yours. Her not being able to satisfactorly re-build trust with her 'just forget about it' attitude, shows how little understanding of what has happened, and what responsibility SHE has, to work toward resolve.

You should not have to promise to be silent! If you are bothered, the very least you need, is an understanding, willing ear, to vent your doubts and concerns, no matter how long or how often.

A breech of trust, is a very, very difficult thing to get over, without a lot of work- by both parties.

Dude... you are supposed to be afraid that this lying cheater will go back to being a lying cheater, and no amount of nice guy wuss hood will change that fact.

Starting new threads, and leaving out important facts either.

Its healing you need, courage, and strength, and to not take crap off this female, that you are to scared of to establish rules of good behavior with, and honest communications.

Hate to be harsh, I really do, but when a scared rabbit gets with a snake, the rabbit will regret it. You have allowed this snake, to use and abuse you, leave and come back, and rightfully so you are afraid of losing her.

Lose the fear, you will lose the behavior, and uncertainty and start standing up for yourself so you will know how to be healthy in your life, and have a healthy relationship.

I respectfully submit, NEITHER of you meets the healthy of mind, and soul criteria.

Sorry, but you really need to find the courage to do what you have to do, based on facts, and not just feelings.

Courage will give you the confidence to be cool, calm, collected, and in control... of yourself.

Bravo slap and tal. I only hope OP follows advice.