All her threads are merged into one.


I am getting the vibe that my husband still has feelings for his ex. We have been married for two months and been together for a year. The thing is, my husband was in a relationship with S for a year and a half and they were planning on getting married but few weeks before the wedding S broke it off and decided to end it for no apparent reason.

Now this story happened three years ago and two years before we met, so I know I'm not a rebound. But the subject of the ex was opened a few times cause she was a family friend and still is so his family tend to bring her up every now and then. However, every time she's mentioned my husband gets nervous and starts taking deep breath (big sigh) without commenting on a single word. And the thing that's making paranoid is that I asked him why he refuses to forgive and forget her, is it cause S meant a lot to him because it seemed that way to me but he also didn't comment on that!!

He tells me he loves me and swears by it but what do you think people, the fact that he gets nervous of the ex subject and tries to ignore talking about it even after 3 years have passed, doesn't mean that he still has feelings for her?! Please be honest...

Only he knows for sure.

When you say, "before the wedding S broke it off and decided to end it for no apparent reason", it makes me wonder if perhaps he just needs closure from that relationship.

He must want to know why it ended, and I imagine whenever he hears her mentioned, it might cause him to feel uneasy and bring up all the hurt and unanswered questions again (that he felt when S broke it off for no apparent reason).

My guess is that he is scared. It is hard for some people to talk about past hurts. Maybe he is scared that you might leave him too.

I feel for you. I think communication is key. Let him know how you feel, about your fears. Try to get him to open up with his feelings about the breakup with S.

Not sure what I'd do... maybe ask him if he thinks he needs answers once and for all so he can put the past to rest for good. You two need to have a clean slate!

Sounds to me like he is keeping his feelings all bottled up inside. It would be really difficult, but it might be beneficial for your future together to have him write her an email or letter to get his questions answered, even if he doesn't send it. Just so he can vent his feelings.

But, on the other hand, maybe you are seeing something that isn't there! Maybe he is totally over the whole thing and feels like it was a bad time in his life that he just is uncomfortable talking about.

I am not a relationship expert, so don't take my advice. Just throwing ideas out there for you to think about. If nothing else, go talk to a trusted friend or parent, or go see a marriage counselor.

Good Luck, I really wish you the best!

He probably wishes nobody would bring her up at all. And the big sigh is likely because when somebody does bring her up, it's going to mean you getting upset about it again.

When you ask him why he refuses to forgive and forget her, you keep 'their' history alive based on the past. Every time you bring it up and he doesn't want to talk about it, you have invited her memory into your marriage.

She was a woman he nearly married. She was a woman he once loved. She is also a person that he has left in the past, where she belongs. He likely does have memories, good and bad, about her, just like he, or you, would have about any person you were in a relationship with- in the past. You can't selectively wipe your memory clean. Living through relationships, and breakups is how we mature and grow as a person, and what we use (experience) to pick the next partner.

My advice to you, having been married 35 years myself, is to let his ex remain in the past, where he has left her. Accept that you have no reason to keep her memory so alive that it is affecting your own marriage. Move on, and never mention her again.

Maybe its just a dumb subject for him to be reminded of it. You asked for honesty, DROP IT completely, as your logic is flawed. VERY FLAWED!!

Probably pisses him off when his family brings it up. And when you make a big deal of it too. Those aren't vibes, its disgust.

Thank you all for taking the time to help me out... I know we're married and it's stupid to think about it but I've never felt this insecure in my life. He told me he love her and she was the prettiest so I don't believe that love just washes away in a few years time. I want to feel insecure enough with him cause I love him unconditionally but this subject makes me want to hold back my love.

But this is about you not him, your feelings not his. Your fear, not his.

We as humans can love many people on many different levels forever. As long as you are afraid of his past, then your love is NOT unconditional. I mean what do you want the guy to do??

You are being carried away by your own unreasonable fear. Stop it.

I meant in my previous comment is that I want to feel Secure* enough with him, I want to trust him more. Everything you said it right and true but I can't find it in myself to let this fear go... I'm not capable of handling such a situation and it's ruining my life but I still don't know how to handle it. I don't know if this makes any sense, but my husband isn't really helping; whenever we go he like looking at beautiful women, he likes to flirt indirectly with all pretty women even if they are friends. We talked about it but he thinks I'm just overly jealous so that's another issue that making this situation even worse.

Then find it in yourself to get the help and guidance to overcome your fears, and gain control over your feelings, so you can deal with reality.

Your other post were deleted as it's a lousy idea putting personal info, and pictures on a public forum.

Get the help you need. Why suffer alone?

My Husband and I have been married for around two months. He's so sweet to me, loves me and appreciate me but we have one huge issue and it's causing us to fight constantly and I'm getting to the point where I want to end his relationship; He can't keep his eyes off girls. It is too exhausting and it's making my life miserable.

The other day we went out with a group of friends and he kept looking back and forth at my friend who is pretty cute. And this wasn't the first time. He stares at girls whether we know them or not and when I tell him to stop, he denies it and tells me it's my imagination!! The thing is if he loves me like he says, why does he do it, why did he marry me in the first place if he can't change his attitude and adapt to being a married man. Am I not good enough for him or not attractive enough for him.

Please help me out, I want to understand this,, I'm so confused and on the edge of ending this whole relationship...

All her threads are merged into one.

First it was his past ex, you bugged him about, now its your friend. Cut it out. Everybody, both males and females look at attractive people. Its natural, and you are not only over reacting, but being unreasonable in expecting your guy to not look at others.

This is all about you being insecure, paranoid, and unreasonable. That's not how married woman should act, all needy, and controlling. Relax why don't you and stop acting like all these small things are a big crisis. What are you scared he will run away with them, or leave you for some passing hottie? What is it that makes you so afraid of other females??

WOW! You just got married! Did he do this before you were married? I think you need to catch him in the act and talk to him about it. Don't end a marriage just because he looks at other women. Yes it is wrong but first talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. Please answer mine... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/am-annoying-him-he-really-into-me-592634.html

I am not afraid of anything I swear but I just feel so very disrespected. If I go out and a guy who is with his wife starts staring at me every two seconds I'm going to start feeling sorry for the wife for not being good enough for her husband!! This is what happening to me now,, do you really think that it is okay for my husband to keep looking back and forth at my friend while I'm sitting next to him!! So it's not fear that he'd leave me, it's feeling disrespected in front of the world...

"I'm getting to the point where I wanna end his relationship"

Then why did you marry him if you have those doubts..?

Hindsight is 20-20

Blame yourself.

Why do you think you can control what people look at? Why do YOU feel disrespected by someone looks at? Why would you blame a wife for what her husband looks at?

Why is your point of view the only one you see?

He is married and supposedly loves his wife very much but can't help it with wanting other women to notice him and like him! What is that called?

Narcissist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism), I think, sums it up.

A cheat

All her threads are merged into one.

I call a man who actively seeks the attention of women other than his wife 'insecure'. Though some are just born flirts who enjoy the banter and it means nothing more than having fun. Most even enjoy it when their spouse flirts with them in public.

I call a wife who actively sets out to seek negative opinions about her husband of two months 'insecure', too. Is he really flirting as much as you think he is or is your own perception making it seem worse than it is?

Have you sat down at home and discussed what each of you considers good behavior when around other people? Have you discussed ways you can let him know he is crossing the line without putting him on the defensive or you feeling like you are tugging on a leash?

Have you found ways to help yourself feel more secure in your marriage whether you are out or at home?

Thanks all. Cat1864 you have a point there but I don't know how to do that, we're both super stubborn sometimes we get into a fight and stop talking for almost a week and we live in the same house ! I think my marriage is in deep trouble and I'm too exhausted I just want it over

How long did you date before you got married???

Merging your posts suggests one of you has a lot of baggage, and you two don't communicate very well.

Instead of making new questions, why not share your whole story here, so we can see, and understand what you are dealing with. PLEASE?

Cat makes a good point. It takes 2.

I agree w/Tal. More info. Why did you guys get married?

Have you asked him?

Or yourself?

My guess is that his behavior has been going on.
You bagged a player that doesn't want to settle.

Neither one of you are ready.

This is either going to require some serious work, or no go.

If he is a true narcissist, Im not sure why he would be into getting married. Unless he knows how much he can put a hurting on you & escape, with zero conscious.

Could be exactly what he's doing. Sometimes you don't know, they can be clever. But you can be smarter.

What it sounds like to me is that you are fed up.
Good for you.
Is this worth it? For you. Are you happy? Trust him?

If I were you. I wouldn't put too much effort into this.
I would get some marriage council & law advice.

My husband told me the story of his ex and that he was really in love with her... They dated for almost 2 years and were supposed to get married but she called the wedding off !

But now he tells me that he really regrets having that relationship, it was a big mistake and a waste of time and wishes to take that two years back if he could !

I don't get him... I feel as if he still has feelings for his ex even though he swore that he didn't...

What is he saying

Hunny, he may be so tired of dealing with your insecurity over his past that he now regrets that he has a past. How better to make you happy than to have never done anything (even before meeting you) to upset you?

Is he keeping the past alive or are you? If you are then why? Why torture yourself?

I am trying very hard to understand where all of this insecurity comes from. Can you help me understand?

It means he can see that his time was wasted in the relationship.
But honestly ask him what he means. But then why does it matter to you, old relationships are mentioned and talked about at times, not dwelt on.

Why does it matter to you what he means really, he was rambling about a old girlfriend, You had old boyfriends correct, You thought you really loved them at the time ?

Why were you talking about it, so bought this up, you are he ?

Some of the last answers will seem incomplete at this point, I did not know there was several threads about basically the same subject. I have merged them.

Please do not start new threads to cover the same subject, posters will not know an entire story that way.

Cat1864

All of this insecurity is coming from the little experience I have with men... I've always had male friends but never had a solid relationship till now. The insecurity is coming from the fact that my husband told me that he was deeply in love with her, he told me that she was super beautiful, told me that she ended it and that he gave her a chance after another for her to stay although she didn't deserve it and the fact that I can sense it in his shivering voice and uncomfortable body whenever I asked a question about her...

The truth is he opened the subject once just to be honest about everything before we got married but then I got so obsessed with the subject and kept asking about it. He's been so patient with me I know but he's not comforting me.

I know he loves me so much and I love him too but he's the worst communicator when it comes to talking about feelings... I know I am insecure I even hate looking at myself in the mirror.

The weird part is I know I am beautiful and appealing, I know and I get compliments all the time but I still feel that she was more appealing to him than I am, she probably was but I don't know why is it effecting me that much. It's not like I didn't know that there are many more beautiful women than me, I've always knew it, accepted it and didn't really care but why now!!

Because you are so scared you can't relax and enjoy what you have. That's so sad about all that wasted time and energy you could be putting to positive actions to make this a great experience.

Fear will drive you crazy, smile and make love and tell your stupid fear to leave you alone.

You must have had a rough life before meeting him huh?

Thank you for responding, Hunny.

Would you be willing to look into counseling as a way to work through your insecurities?

So he loved her and thought she was beautiful... on the outside. It sounds like on the inside she was nowhere close to even being pretty. Yes, he carried the memory of what he wished she was until he found someone who I am betting he thinks is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. He replaced a fake gemstone with a real diamond.

If you can learn to be secure in how you think of yourself, I think you will see why he married you.

talaniman, to be honest with you I was living a very spoiled life. I am the eldest in my family so my parents never said no to anything I wanted, till this day they provide me with anything I needed and make me feel so safe. That's why it was hard for me to move away from them maybe that's causing part of my insecurities, I don't feel as safe as I used to when I used to live with my family in he same country.

Cat1864, I am willing to go for counseling, I know I need it but the problem is I don't know where to start... I recently moved to Dubai and still not familiar with the area but I definitely would consider counseling

I did a quick search of counseling services in the Dubai area. There appear to be several listed. I won't give the list that came up for me because you should be able to get a better list with your own search engines. I suggest checking your local telephone listings for names, websites, and reviews.

Keep in mind that it may take trying a couple of different counselors to find one who 'fits' with you. Just keep an open mind and give each one a chance.

Is your husband from Dubai? Does he have family in the area or friends?

If you just moved there, do you have any interests that help occupy your time and keep you from being solely dependent on your husband for all of your support?

If you moved there for his work, do you know if there are other spouses who meet up to help each other adapt to living in a new place?

Making friends and finding things to do that help build your self-confidence can go a long way toward helping reduce your insecurity. They can also give you new subjects to talk about with your husband and to tell your family. If you enjoy writing, you might even think about starting a newsletter or blog about your 'adventures'.

Would it help you to look around this website, AMHD, and see if here are any questions you might be able to answer? We have a wide variety of subjects from relationships to hobbies or even everyday needs like cooking.

You need to have some self confidence to balance all that fear. That takes time and accomplishment. You are in a learning transition, having no real experience to making adjustments on your own. A trusted older female to talk to can help greatly. How about your mom? Can you talk to her about your fears, an aunt maybe?