Im a 26 year old guy. I've been with a girl around the same age for about a solid year. We got into a relationship a couple of weeks after meeting each other for the first time at a summer job. When we first met we very quickly became best friends. I was in a new city for summer work and didn't know anyone there and she lived in that city all her life but had kind of distanced herself from most people she knew and hung out with so she could focus on school. We both want to end up with the same employer.

It was also really early on in the relationship when we both told each other we love each other. After the summer I went to another city for work, same employer. The relationship has been long distance for the vast majority of our year together (the last 10.5 months out of 12). The long distance has not hurt how we feel about each other, in fact as time went by we loved each other more and more. We have been very good at visiting each other every couple of weeks, sometimes every week. We also literally talk for several hours every single day (no exaggeration that there hasn't been a day we haven't talked to eachother). We also text each other probably 30 times a day each.

This is my first real relationship and I lost my virginity to her. So she's the closest person to me I've ever had in my life and she knows all my secrets. Through asking her about her past she says she has had full on sex with 8 guys (maybe more but doesn't want to tell me). Only 4 or 5 of those guys did she actually have a real relationship with. The others were very short term (a couple of weeks, or one nighter). She also says she has done other things with a lot more guys (giving head and being felt up) she says doesn't know a number of guys for that kind of thing but guesses around 20 (have an impression its more than that). Her history with guys has been while she was 19-23? All but one of the 8 were older than her 3-10 years. (not sure about the estimated other 20). For 2-3 years prior to meeting me she hasn't been in a relationship with anyone so she could focus on other things in life and has stopped doing things like going to clubs and bars and drinking, which she used to do very frequently. I don't like her past but she tells me she wasn't a nympho or anything. Just young and stupid.

Out of the 8 guys, there's one she was with the longest, about 2.5-3 years. During that time the broke up and got back together frequently. At least a couple of those times were after she found out he was cheating on her. He comes from money and has nice things, cars etc.

During our relationship when we hang out together I catch her noticing certain types of guys. I recognize she's human and its OK to notice someone good looking, I do with girls too. However I try to avoid looking, after noticing a good looking girl, I turn away and look at something else. She on the other hand will follow them with her eyes. There have been a number of double takes, and one triple take. I've talked to her about it several times. She denies it and says she never remembers any of these instances, and even if it happens she's just looking around at the environment around her. One of the most recent examples, a guy walking toward us, she looks at him for a bit then looks down, he passes by my right she is on my left, she turns her her head slightly to look at him as he passes by, once he's behind us she turns her head back to take another look. Kind of excessive I'd day say. I got upset with her and she again says she doesn't know what guy I'm talking about and denies it. I got upset because the second look she did kind of sneaky, meaning she knows I don't like it but wants to anyway, and the fact that she actually PHYSICALLY TURNED to look BACK at him A THIRD TIME when we walked past him. Ive caught the sneaky side glance on at least one other occasion. She doesn't just look at any good looking guy, I've noticed there's a type of guy. Tall, muscular arms, tatoos, or otherwise seem like tough guys. The seems tough part is the common one, not all have tatoos and the arms vary but are bigger than mine. They're also all white, probably blonde hair. All her past relationships have been with white guys. Im the first non-white guy and also the first dark haired guy she's been with. She's central american. She also looks at pickup trucks, ONLY IF a guy is driving it. Even though you can't really see the features of the guy through the window a lot of times she looks. (truck = tough?). Also looks at guys driving classic muscle cars. If a guy has his window rolled down and his elbow sticking out, big arm and/or tatoos, definitely looks. Same with bikers, guess what? Not speed bikers, but cruisers. These looks aren't just a normal looking around and people watching look. Her eyes spend more time on these types of guys than on other people. If within her view there is a guy or group of guys like that and many other people, her eye also chooses to look at that first, and then again and again. Although I noticed all this and know what Im seeing, she says I'm crazy. Although she also says she'll try to stop. You might argue that I've only noticed those times and it's a coincidence, but no after noticing the first few times I try to pay attention to what she's looking at and when and I would bet every dollar I own that if that type of guy walks by she will look, even if its someone in the distance and there are 20 other people in between him and us.

Combine that with the knowledge that at least a couple of guys she's been with in the past were tattooed, the guy she's been with the longest had a truck, some of the other guys she's been with had trucks. They were all white guys, who had light coloured hair. Also combine that with I'm north african with black hair. I'm tall and lean, not muscular or even fit really, but not bony or too skinny either. I have no tattoos, I'm from a conservative upbringing, never drank or visited bars. Don't have any car never mind something "tough" like a truck or classic muscle car. I don't feel bad about myself but I feel bad that the girl who I love might actually prefer other types of guys over me.

Now before making your judgement and responding, there's more to know. One of her ex's texted her very early on when we met (a week before or after we started our relationship), she had lent him a small amount of money and he wanted to give it back to her and talk to her, she never showed me what the texts said even though I asked, I also told her we both know what he wants don't go, she convinced me she wanted to go get her $ back and see what he wants and that its OK she won't let him do anything, I didn't like it but agreed. She came back crying apparently getting in an argument with him, (she didn't tell me what was said). But she did tell me that as she was leaving she saw another girl come to his place. (maybe she's crying because she saw this other girl? I don't know). Anyway we were together, it was early on so whatever. But because of that episode I asked her not to see or talk to any of her exs and if they try contacting her to take care of it but to also let me know. She agreed to. That same ex contacted her again several months later through email, email that she had given me access to and I happened to see it. During her email conversation she told him NOT to email her using that email because I have access to it and gave him a different email, and deleted the emails she received from him, but I had already seen it. I confronted her about it. I asked what didn't you want me to see and why you giving an ex the means to CONTINUE talking to you versus telling him to you don't want to talk to him? She said she was taking care of it. And that she hid it because she doesn't want me to get angry at her if he says certain things like he still wants her or something like that. It didn't make sense to me but I forgave her and said that I won't be upset at her if an ex says something, I only care what SHE says to him! She for the second time PROMISED not to hide this type of thing from me. A few months later, a different ex (the one she was with the longest) emailed her one night. She was emailing him WHILE she was on the phone with me and didn't say anything. And then he asked her to use messenger with her (not voice just typing), she agreed and did. Her and I had been discussing an issue with her email the next day so I logged into it and I caught an email sent that same day by him to her discussing the conversation from the previous night. I was furious. He posted the entire conversation. He's married but thinking of ending that relationship. During the conversation he was asking her if she would choose him over me. Most times she would tell him its over and she would choose me. But there are several times when he asks where she says she doesn't like that question or says "i dont know". She also respons many times by asking him for proof its him, because she didn't recognize his email. She was afraid it was me or it was his wife. In the end of the conversation he asked her again giving her a hypothetical scenario. He asked if her and I dated before she dated him and then she was with him, when she go back to me given the chance, or would she stay with him. She said she would stay with him.

I confronted her about it and she said she told him what he wanted to hear so he could leave her alone, however there was nothing preventing her from ending the conversation any time or ending it by saying she chooses me. They spoke for a couple of hours on email and then 5 hours on messenger. She says she just doesn't like upsetting people. Choosing him in the end was bad enough but just the fact that she wanted proof it was him many times before answering, which she never got by the way, and THEN answering that shed choose me, just screams at me that she wants him. She cried and told me she wants me and to believe her, I do believe that she loves me and wants to be with me forever, but what if I'm just second best. Maybe she wants to be with because she knows their chances are slim, he's married and has a kid now. I'm afraid that if there was a serious chance they could shed be with him.

So if that chance never happens and she stays with me, I'm not sure if that's good enough for me. I want to be first place in someone's heart, not second. What do you guys/girls think? Should I end this relationship?

She may be bi or may be hit by a car or a rock could fall from the sky tomorrow. You can second guess a relationship to death,

If you don't trust her then don't be with her,

You could be third or fourth in the list but the first three failed the test in the long run.

There is always someone better, prettier , richer and more.

I think you handle your business by being secure and confident, instead of fear and insecurity. You are from different worlds and backgrounds, and a year is really no time to judge what someone is really about.

Either you trust her, or you don't, an for whatever reasons you don't then you better talk it out honestly, and set some boundaries about what you expect from each other, or your styles will clash, and cause conflicts.

I would forget however making rules to assuage YOUR fears, like telling her how to handle her business, or her privacy, as far as emails and who she talks to. You can expect loyalty though, and be clear to her about how she deals with her exes makes you feel without demanding she can't.

Then and only then, can you say how much of her program, and the way she runs it you dislike and will not put up with, and make a choice to go along with her ways or leave.

You have no control over the actions of another, just yourself and what you do about it. Obviously as I see it, you are more attached than she is and probably sees nothing wrong with what she is doing. So don't be intimidated by her more experienced ways, and don't be carried away by your fear of her past, and the competition from her past life. And don't be so afraid of losing her you act like a scared controlling partner. Its kind of tough to advise you when you have no experiences to draw on to give you guidance, so I feel you should be extra straight forward and honest about what you are feeling, and try above all else to think twice before you act or speak, as you both keep learning about each other, and please, keep it real, and be honest with yourself, if you cannot hang in with this situation.

Just because she was your first, its not realistic to think she is the one for life, or the only one you will be with, so my advice is enjoy what you have while it lasts, and don't see what you have done the last year as being forever. Take your time and see, with practical eyes, and don't let the fear beat you. That's YOUR problem to deal with, your issue to handle. Its your choice to make whether you trust, or not. If not, what's the point, you just leave and not change her. Don't try.

Talk it out calmly and lay the cards on the table and see what comes of it.

I recognize that there'll always be someone better looking or richer or something, that's not what this is about. It isn't about what I feel about me, its about what she feels about me. Even though there are better looking girls than her out there, given the chance I'd choose her because she makes Im happiest with her. Is it too much to want to be felt about the same way? I don't care if the guys from her past had things that were better, what I want is a girl who would always choose me over anyone given any type of scenairo no matter how likely or unlikely. I AM struggling with trusting her, I know she hasn't cheated on me and she may never. But that's not good enough I want her to be happy that things never worked out with anyone from her past so that she could be with me, not secretly feeling sad that she would have preferred it to work out with someone from the past. I want to be that someone, so that if we ever break up, shed feel that way about me when she's with someone else so that we can be together again.
My idea about what love is and meant has changed so many times in my life, when I met her I thought it was something real and as special as society makes it out to be. But now I don't know about that. I feel like I just have to accept something that isn't as perfect as I want it to be. I know I can just leave her and move on, but now that I know how love really is, then the same **** will happen with someone else, each case is a little different but it will never be this perfect emotion that I imagined it to be. So I figure if we're making each other happy and we DO love each other, then I might as well stay with her because this is as good as it'll get.

Reality is very seldom the way we imagine it to be. Truth be told, reality is different for everyone. The best we can do is deal with what we have with what we have got. I mean, its YOU who have to make those choices about YOUR life yourself.

All that matters is how YOU handle what you see as YOUR reality. I hope you and your lady can get on the same page so you both can be happy.