Hello everyone, and thank you for reading this, IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.

This summer was to be our marriage, our journey around Europe, and our victory lap in supporting each other for six years to the top of our two very stressful careers. Now we are free to be together wherever and have no money problems. Alas, just as we turned the final corner, some switched has flipped in her and she's trying to breakup but won't actually do it. She's incredibly mean and abusive now, but at rare moments admits it. I've given her incredible chase, but without imposing myself, and she's spent the majority of this time with me but asking me to leave. This is contradiction in words and action.
It began a month ago, she flew to Europe a week before me and was to meet me when I arrived. A few days after arrival she turned from anxious for me to come to angry at me and not wanting to see me. In my reckoning, she's putting on me what is coming from her mom, who just before she left cut her from the inheritance and told her not to marry me. She was to meet her here, but did not.
Eventually, she did come to meet me. At first she was convinced it would suck and we'd breakup, but the reality soon got though to her and in a couple days she was very happy. Now this is where I think the mental illness comes in. She has a history of this.
She tried, I see in retrospect, to raise my suspicions a few times, and finally resorted to making it dreadfully apparent she was hiding something in her email. I discovered she'd made out with another man in the week before meeting me, and was continuing romantic emails. She's not the type to move on so quickly, and immediately I recognized this as self-destructive, sabotage.
A fight ensued, she began punching and kicking me and for the first time I was physically aggressive, albeit a spanking.
She left, but a few days later wrote that she wanted to make it work. She asked for a break. This I couldn't do as we've tried that before and the result was ten months of lying and cheating while neither wanted to be apart.
Now a month later I've followed her to where she is. I had no where to go as we rented out our apartment and planned everything around this summer together.

I'm 29, and my fiancée is 31. We're both Aries, though I'm a skeptic of the zodiac in our cases the shoe fits.

We have an intense love, admired by many, even published in magazines and online, we get along like so few have ever seen or known.

I've never been in love or committed before. She's a serial dater, and either left abruptly without warning for lack of interest or was really badly hurt, usually cheated on.

We've lived together since the get go. On the other hand, we've spent long spans of time long distances apart. This was never easy, and often lead to near breakups.

I have severe abandonment issues, no close friends and a cold family. She is a recluse, inside, yet surrounds herself with a family she misleads and a group of friends who just enable her.
Whenever shed breakup with me, I'd always grovel and pine and abandon my own life to save the most important things for me. This isn't such a big deal, though, as I have little attachment to anything but love. My resolve to fight for her has shown her she can trust me without end. Now I fear she's taking this too far.

Since I "invaded her sanctuary" by following her to this island paradise (where she cheated on me) she's been angry that I came but spent the majority of time with me. She helped me find a place and then ended up staying here many nights.
Now she's been gone four days. She emails me angrily but still won't say she wants to end it, only that she's angry and needs time.

I am beyond viruses and this post, as long as it is, barely sums it up. So much is missing.

I'm not the type to fall apart if she leves, she's put me through it so many times. My concern is that she'll do stupid things and end up coming back to me once I give up.

Her emails these last days have said that she wants to spend her life with me but will give that up if our relationship doesn't improve. She admits she's so mean right now and I'm unbelievably kind, but then turns face and lists all my flaws. Thing is, she's nuts, the things she says aren't true of me but of her.

Oh man, what can I do?

You can learn to let go of this toxic relationship or spend the rest of your life with more of the same.

Your mistake my friend, is leaving the decision to her about your future, instead of making your own decision and living with it. Do so now, but me, I would have disappeared long ago, and built a healthy life that I enjoyed for myself without her in it.

Don't blame her for being nuts, or whatever, when its you sitting there allowing her to treat you like a shoe, she can wear when it pleases her.

What a complete waste of time, energy, and emotion.

Cheat is a cheat no matter what, and for sure, this event will not disappear from both of your mind. No regrets, you have done all you can, enough of chasing, take control now. Disappear from her life if there is nothing that you can do anymore.

Your life is your life -no one else is in charge of what you do.

It's time to walk away from this mess and find a life that makes you happy!

Thanks everyone. These are some hard hitting, honest answers. As a new yorker I have a special appreciation for the honesty of strangers.

Problem is, I'm not ready to give up. I see this as mental illness. Like any other malady, this should not be viewed as a permanent fault of the sufferer. True, I'm suffering as well, but only because I love her. I could choose to not care, and I guess that might be good for her, but infortunately that's not my nature. I've seen many friends through bouts of full-on insanity, and they've now got me to thank for standing by them. She's the one that stood by me in my depression, and I'm a loyal man.

When and if the time comes to protect myself, trust, I'll do it. I'm here, on this forum, spread eagle with my deepest secrets to the world. I'm making the first step in dealing with what might go wrong in me, or may have already.

Until then, I will fight. When his head is severed, a true samurai can stay alive long enough to defend his charge. I was aware of these issues when I proposed to her.

I hold onto the belief, substantiated, that this is the last bend in the road before we reach "marital bliss." I'm humble enough to accept defeat, but that hasn't happened yet.

I'm asking this forum to give me their best answers as to how I can help her. I know leaving and letting her chase me is the easy answer, but I'm not able to do it. I just can't. Quitting on her is quitting on everything I stand for. I won't even feign it, I mean what I say and won't say to her it's over unless I mean it.

Please, if you can, what can I do to get her to address her issues?

This is the kind of case where mentally ill person has overcompensated to the utmost degree, to reinforce their denial. What they need to do is admit they need help, the very factor I've seen in my friends who've made it through much worse scenarios than she suffers now. But hers is now more critical, as she says "I can handle this myself," when that's apparently not been true for decades. She has multiple degrees in counseling others in the very conditions she suffers from, and I fear there are even layers of issues beneath.

If I abandon her, to protect myself, I will have to live with knowing that I alone was entrusted with the knowledge and therefore the ability to call her out. It seems to me that her demons are injured and cornered by me, I see them, know their weak spots, and tried already to confront them.

Don't worry about me if this has to end, worry more that a good man is imploring you to help a sick woman.

Then you be honest mighty warrior, and tell her you are tired of the crap, and if she can't help herself, neither can you, but you won't tolerate being abused by her.

Maybe you are on a mission, but if she is the obstacle and refuses to do the right thing for herself, then she must be on her own. And just to be clear, why are you intent on marriage to someone who has issues that they don't address? If she wants help give it to her, if she doesn't, marriage will change NOTHING. Then you have to pay her own consequences.

I respect your loyalty, and don't question your love. Loved a few crazy nuts myself, but I do question your judgment, and your methods. 8 years is a mighty long time to fight a losing battle. Make sure she isn't the only one in denial.

If forgiven not forgotten is the deal, then it would really help you if you can somehow get her to meet professionals. I am not sure if she has told you actually why she is doing all these things. Or has she opened her mind and told you everything? I bet she must be knowing what you are going through, but she might be thinking that you don't know the other end of her and that might be the reason she is agitated. But she should also know, unless she tell it all to you, there is no way anyone can help. Let her know this and make her open it up.

Thanks again. These last two answers are getting closer to the point and I've drawn something useful from them. I should find a way to tell her I can't help her - no one can, not even her - without her accepting it and being totally honest.

To clarify, it hasn't been eight years of this. She told me early on she had severe problems as a kid and never told anyone, at least not as much as she's told me. Two years ago they resurfaced and I tried to call her out but she denied it. Well, until our breakup, when she admitted it and said she'd handle it on her own. She didn't seem to get the job done, but the major symptoms did go away so I gave it to her on that credit that she may be able to handle it in her own.

This time, the usual symptoms aren't present, and it seems layers to the onion are peeling back. It's a form of progress in a way, getting down to the deeper issues, but this is obviously not real healing, with so much denial and other self destructive behaviors.

The time has come for her to admit she can't handle it herself, but she sees me as the only one to confront her this way and perhaps this is why she's pushing me away. In this way she's begun pushing away the couple's counselor, a fully qualified psychologist, as in our last session she began to ask her to look deeper in herself.

I don't believe I'm in denial, as hard as that is to say without sounding like I'm in denial. I've had many friends go though stuff, I've been through stuff, and I can smell it when I'm not being straight with myself. Dishonesty and I don't mix well, and I actually feel quite at ease given the circumstances. It was much harder at irt, when I didn't realize what was happening with her and took everything she said seriously. By now I see she's not making sense, and not saying what she means, and this indication of what's really going on at least means I understand more what's happenig.

Your risk, your reward. Good luck.

So, she's finally back, after a week. I tried to break up with her. I called her out or blaming her mental illness on me and walked off. I started the thought process of moving on. Ten minutes later she showed up and was nice to me for once! I was PISSED, confused and crying when she wasn't looking.
Two days later she's back again. Spent the night. Won't give me even a good night kiss.
Last night I was erratic and couldn't sleep. I hacked into her phone (my phone) and saw that she's been with the other guy, even naked photos. I asked her who she went with, she lied. I asked if she's hung out with him alone, she lied that it was always with others.
Also I found emails with a guy she was with from the year we were apart, apologizing for the 'recent drama.' also he wrote about drugs she was using.
I asked in a roundabout way and she lied each time.
I'm resisting the urge to take back my things from her and throw her out on her ***. Only this f****ing love bug is stopping me.
She's acting like she wants to stay together, but not saying so. It's just making it harder for me to dump her.
I'm even beginning to think bad thoughts involving the tensile strength of skulls and rocks.

The more you are going to be with her the harder it is going to become. Seriously, you don't need to dirty your hands by doing any tensile testing. Let us say, may be, you won't love anyone again like the way you loved her. But that does not mean that you can be with her anymore after all that you have seen with your own eyes. Do you think that you can change her, and take her back after all this?
You were not the reason for her faults to begin with. What are you planning to do now?

Well guy, you know what you got to do, dump her for good and be done with it.

Seriously,just dump her-come on how many more rounds of this do you need??

Awww sheeeet!! I must be the biggest sucker ever born. I can't do it! She's my first. Only. I just can't do it! I have no proof she's slept with anyone, yet I know I don't need that - I've got enough reason FOR SURE and the deeply disturbing up part is I'm the one pleading for another chance? Sometimes I think I just want to get her back so I can find out the truth later and be the one to end it - but I know that's not true.

Yes, I probably will go through another round, in the hopes that it will be the last. Why? Because I'm human. Blame it on my mom not giving me enough love, my dad not being there, not getting the girl I liked in high school, a deviated septum, whatever. I'm human.

I mean, I know you're all correct, it's basically a matter of fact - I deserve better and this is beyond unhealthy. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know where to find the strength. It's so easy to deem someone's relationship bad for them, like a video game like SIMs or something - just right-click and select drop it like a rock. Beep beep done.

I know what my personal process for dealing with loss is deep, long drawn out depression in isolation, on my feet walking, not knowing where my next meal comes from or caring to remember where I was this morning. Now I'm finally 'somewhere' in my life, 'someone' to speak of. Like I said, I'm not much for atta hment too much else besides love, and I fear that giving up on her love will result in a long sojourn where I'll give up on everything I'm working towards to retain my last bit of self-love I got left.

Make some adjustments to your personal process of dealing with loss.

It doesn't have to be so dark, it can be a celebration of acceptance, if you so choose.

Oh my lord, can it get worse.

So, yeah, I'm over it, an it's so strange because it's just as she's starting to want me back. Believe this:

Tuesday she left early. I told her I saw her emailing the guy, that she was only staying with me until the other guy got back, and stayed longer only because he missed the ferry.

She denied it, said it meant something she was with me not him. I said I'd she leaves I know it's to see him. She said I had nothing to worry about, they weren't having sex, she can't imagine being with anyone else because I'm so kind and devoted. She repeated this over two days. Also that she wasn't interested in sex with others.

She slept in my bed the last night. I tried to seduce her, and she let me try but I got nowhere. I asked what I needed to do to get her to open up, she answered that I shouldn't worry about her sleeping with others.

A day later, I bugged out. I did some 'research' and found the dude's number, called him. Asked him to be a man and tell me what's up. He said he hadn't seen her, wasn't going to ever again (and neither would I) and that they'd not had sex. So I thought Good, she told me the truth. I will see her in a month in California.

Next morning I did more 'research' and found the hostel she was staying at (I'm good). I called, they said she still here, and went to get her. Then, the dude answered and told me off. Told me they'd been having sex and it was a serious relationship. I was relieved! Finally the truth! She'd been playing me to have her summer fling and take me back when she wanted. Not me! Not anymore, or so I thought.

So that night she left this island to go see her girlfriend. She started writing me in a bit more inviting way, but still abusively. She wrote me she had a good dream about me and her, that she's left so I wouldn't have to worry, no guys for me to trip about. She said she slept alone, outside, and only went to see dude to get her things and say goodbye, I felt relieved. She wants to stay together but can't stand me right now. Blah blah blah. Asked me to bring her charger to her on my way back to the states!

Like a stupid puppy, I lept at the opportunity to see her. She said pack up and be ready, she would ask if I can come. Then she says OK but 'Albanians will kill you for your things.' when I debunked that, she complained about traffic eventually I said I'm buying this ticket if you don't give me answer. I was only going to stay two days, then she asked me to stay four. ***

Here's where it gets "stranger than fiction." I went to the bookshop to return more "borrowed without permission" items she left in my house. I'd also turned in the dude for stealing high-ticket items, which I knew about through my 'research.' He was supposed to return the items yesterday, so I waited until I thought he would be at work to return what I had so as to avoid him. Lo and behold, there he was, minutes after I arrived.

We got off to a gentlemanly start. I suggested we buy a beer and chat. We talked for an hour. He confirmed that they were having sex, wouldn't answer if they used protection (so, no), that she had stayed with him the last night and every night she wasn't with me. He also confirmed she had left the island, that they had no future together. He expressed disgust with me for not letting her go, that she only saw me to try and break up. I explained to him that she had not been doing that, but talking to me seriously about staying together, looked at rings with me, talked about the future and how to make it work. Even about getting a better shrink to identify her issues. At the end he said now he was disgusted by her, felt he'd been duped, and that he couldn't imagine why I'd take her back. I told him I agreed completely.

I am scared about my inability to leave her.

So, tonight I fly to meet her. I don't want to have sex with her. I don't want to have her back. But of course I do, still, somewhere. I hope I can be strong enough to just treat her the way she's been treating me.

I don't think he'll tell her about our chat. We'll see if she beings up anything.

I just can't believe it. She was never this way, she was so pure, loyal, honest, loving and committed. Now it seems she's become her own worst enemy, the same girl she used to talk **** about. I even suspect she got down with a nasty threesome group here, almost as soon as she arrived.

Can I forgive this on grounds of mental illness? Even so, can I take her back? If I tell her to f••k off, and then she comes back, is it ever possible she won't do this again? I can't do an open relationship. I can't. It seems more and more that she has implied this is what she wants.

Do not mistake me, if I were your friend I would give a tight knock on your head and say, mike, it is enough... This isn't mental illness.
What more proof do you need? You have tried all you could to seek a possibility that somehow everything was a lie. But things did not turn out that way, and its taking a turn to the worst. Do not underestimate yourself. No one is an option for someone. You got to be stronger. You do not know that there are other mountains to climb, until you get down from this mountain. Do you not feel like this is the limit? Or no more. I'll pray for you to be strong for one time and break it off completely.

Yes, the truth is stranger than fiction!

Are you currently in counseling yourself? If not, I would highly recommend it. You need to learn how to detox yourself from your addiction to this woman.

It's really time to grow a pair and tell her that you are done being her doormat. You are a very mature articulate man, it shouldn't be too hard for you to find a woman who actually loves you.

No, you can't do any of those thing-what you can do is walk away and get a life.

Jeepers!
(Bangs head on desk.)

If you reread this whole thing carefully, a number of facts start to surface,

We see who has mental illness, (you), and who is in denial (you), and who doesn't know when to quit (you), and who is a glutton for punishment (you).

What's most apparent, is who has the power to change things (you), and who needs a very swift kick in the a$$ (YOU)!!

How dare you sir, keep blaming all your problems on her! She is a first class lying cheating beeyatch for sure, don't get me wrong, but lets be real, the actual problem is what you have done about it.

8 years?? Naw YOU are the one with the problem, NOT her. At least you are a good snoop, but lacking sorely in the dignity, and self respect department.

If you reread this whole thing carefully, a number of facts start to surface,

We see who has mental illness, (you), and who is in denial (you), and who doesn't know when to quit (you), and who is a glutton for punishment (you).

Whats most apparent, is who has the power to change things (you), and who needs a very swift kick in the a$$ (YOU)!!!!

How dare you sir, keep blaming all your problems on her! She is a first class lying cheating beeyatch for sure, don't get me wrong, but lets be real, the actual problem is what you have done about it.

8 years?????? Naw YOU are the one with the problem, NOT her. At least you are a good snoop, but lacking sorely in the dignity, and self respect department.

( Can't rep)

Exactly!!

So we got back together. It's still not so solid, but I think we're on track. No, I'm not super excited. I'm totally confused. I just want to lay down with her and feel the love. It's insane? I guess, but I don't seem to be able to understand why or do anything about it. For now, all I can hope to do is repair us. I have to figure out how to forgive her. She needs to figure out why she's so angry and thinks she can treat me this way. At least I cam say that she definitely has admitted she needs help from professionals and is being very proactive about making this work.

By the way, I appreciate all the sincere efforts to help in the last comments, and agree that I have serious issues for taking her back. Still, some of what was written was a bit harsh and insulting.

I don't see where I've blamed my problems on her. What she did to me this summer was really wrong. She kept me hanging on, lied to me, cheated on me under the guise of having broken up, and then wants to take me back when it's OK for her. If I can't say that she's done wrong without sounding like I'm making excuses, whatsthe point of reaching out?

So we got back together. It's still not so solid, but I think we're on track.

With that happening, lets just hope for the best. Good luck. Take her to professionals if needed.
Also,

I don't see where I've blamed my problems on her. What she did to me this summer was really wrong. She kept me hanging on, lied to me, cheated on me under the guise of having broken up, and then wants to take me back when it's ok for her. If I can't say that she's done wrong without sounding like I'm making excuses, whatsthe point of reaching out?
Our point here was to let you know that you were listing all the faults at her end, but you have failed to notice that you went too soft, denying to look at other options at all.

If I can't say that she's done wrong without sounding like I'm making excuses, what's the point of reaching out?

Well how would you tell someone they are stuck on stupid, and going around in circles? I can't reach through the screen and slap you! If I didn't care, I would not have said anything, so instead of being insulted, open your mind.

It doesn't matter what she does to you, or the reason she does it. All that matters is what you do about it. Or the deeper question, why you put up with it. Then complain WHY??

You're on track to where exactly?

This train derailed a long time ago and going through the motions over and over again is futile.

Eight more years of this?

Good luck,sorry,but you sure need it.

/shrugs

Gahhh!

Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

hello again

it's been a year since all that… a terrible year…

My health, career and friendships have suffered.

I haven't seen that girl in 6 months. Since I stopped writing here we tried to stay together for 6 months, and it went up and down, back and forth from amazing to tortuous, and again she had an affair, that time even her uber-religious mother started picking up on it and she lied to us all.
Again I took it upon myself to get the truth, and she finally admitted it.

I've come to believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder, after consulting with many mental health professionals, costing me thousands of dollars.
I'm writing now to help anyone who reads this thread looking for help. Although all the kind people who posted here meant the best, the approach they took is not helpful when dealing with a person who is trapped with a borderline personality partner, or any psychologically abusive partner.
It is important to understand that when a person is in a psychologically abusive relationship, that they are indeed trapped - no amount of coercion will push them out. The abusive partner employs age-old tactics to render their partner nearly helpless, destroying all defenses they might have and rendering them too weak to go on without that cycle of push and pull (well, at least they leave the victim no recourse to believe they can leave). It sounds unbelievable to those who aren't in that situation, even if they have been before. "How can you not have the willpower to just up and leave," they think, but it is so nearly impossible to understand from a healthy, self-confident person's perspective.
If a person had their legs cut off by their captor, it makes sense that they would be completely trapped… try to imagine the psychological equivalent of this: the thought processes and emotional tools required to leave one's partner can also be disabled, and in a way this is the most general description for the methods used by abusive partners.
It is domination, pure and simple, and the most devious dominators always use psychological tactics… even on a grand scale, recall the rise to power of all the great despots of history… even violence is just a tool for psychological oppression. If it can be used successfully on entire populations, it can certainly be used on individuals.
I have no advice on what to do if you are trapped… obviously all these kind people who posted here had the right answer, EITHER YOUR PARTNER SUBMITS TO PROFESSIONAL CARE OR YOU LEAVE, but the delivery of this answer is nearly impossible. For me, it has only come from hitting rock bottom. Experiencing love with others may only worsen your powerlessness, as you might feel as though you done something wrong and this remorse will only be used to make you feel worse. Resorting to 'fighting fire with fire' will make it worse, because you would be consciously doing what they are almost certainly unaware of doing to you, and therefore you would feel remorse while they feel only more self-righteous. There is no easy answer and this is why the patterns of abuse have survived in human culture for so long, forever it seems.
There were times that she tried to make me hit her, and gladly I have enough discipline that I did not. If I had, she'd have claimed absolute victory, while I'd have been in jail. It matters not, in the end, that she hit me on many occasions, because in our sexist society it is not acceptable for a man to claim that he is being abused, evidenced by the tone of the responses above. People will say it is your fault for staying and putting up with it. This is not true. You can ask a psychologist.
One of the biggest lies we are taught today is, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." The truth could hardly be more precisely the opposite! Words can permanently injure people! It can cause life-long injuries, resulting in physical symptoms even! I can say that I am lucky to have such a steely spirit… I have survived… I overcame those attacks, but I can say confidently that the vast majority of my friends and family would not, and have not, but carry with them the scars and neurosis implanted in them by patterns of abuse in their families, friendships and romances.
Things were said to me that affected my ability to sleep, my ability to work, my sexual performance, that twisted and perverted my desires and fantasies into nightmares! Your mind is more powerful than you can imagine, literally, and when someone else gains control of your mind and your heart, you are literally powerless!
But you are never hopeless!! You can escape! You can be happy without this person! They are not only less important than you believe, they are less than worthless to you, and their absence is worth more than you can imagine right now!
What saved me was a combination of my strong survival instinct (expressed through aggression) and ability to endure suffering… My subconscious began forcing me to become very aggressive, to do things I regretted at the time, that now give me a greater capacity to trust in myself than ever before. I DO NOT CONDONE THE ACTS THAT FREED ME, and I am very glad that my martial art training helped me to keep from hurting anyone. I broke things, destroyed them! The police were involved multiple times, but despite the stereotype, every time I was lucky enough to have police that were smart enough, well trained enough to identify the situation properly. I was never arrested, and in fact the police took my side every time! I never denied what happened, I took the responsibility for my actions. The police then removed her from the situation… For this I am grateful!
Yet, I am also very disheartened, because I definitely could have avoided all of this if I had the strength to leave years ago. But I wonder if I would have the understanding that I do now, as I fear I would have been hard on myself and believed I had left out of selfishness and weakness… WHO CARES?
If this makes no sense, that is because I am only recently beginning to realize what happened. No person I spoke with helped me to get here. It was by my own research that I began to comprehend what was going on. I know that if you are in the situation I was, reading this just won't sink in, as your own mind is contorting what you are reading to fit its masochistic agenda…
You are not alone… there is a world of love out there, be it rare and hard to identify. I won't lie to you, there may not be anyone out there who will love you, you may never find happiness, but that doesn't matter! You will not survive the situation you are in. Your abuser will only get worse and worse, and they will turn you into a monster just like them. That is how they got to be this way to begin with… someone did this to them before, or they grew up in a home where it was done to others, and in the cradle of their mind these patterns of abuse are equal to their sense of "home" and "comfort," sadly it is true.

Beneath our modern "mammalian brain" there is a reptilian one. Mammals have emotions, empathy, a capacity for love and care - a potential, not a promise! On the other hand, our survival depends on the reptilian brain, the emotionless, selfish, all-in-all psychopathic survival mechanisms that enable people to commit the horrible atrocities you see on the news. WE ARE ALL CAPABLE OF THOSE THINGS, whenever our mammalian brain is disabled. These patterns of abuse are malfunctions, or perhaps better described as infectious computer viruses, that disable our loving natures and give way to survival instincts. It is purely fear and anger that drive these patterns, there is no higher-level-consciousness involved. Therefore no one can reason with you!
Look at chickens, they are not mammals, but they are not reptiles, they are something almost in between - not biologically but for the purpose of illustrating my point. They have social adaptation, but no emotions beyond fear and anger. They survive by patterns of abuse, known as "the pecking order." I have seen with my own eyes what the chicken at the bottom of this order looks like, with its organs hanging out, somehow surviving! Does this chicken leave the social group? NO, NEVER! It will stay there until it is killed or rots from the inside out.
YOU ARE NOT A CHICKEN! You are a beautiful human being, the highest form of life, a spiritual vessel! You are the captain of that vessel! Steer clear of the evils that have infected so many, so very many people… their empathic response has been corrupted or disabled, so it can be said that THEY HAVE BECOME LESS THAN HUMAN. If you are reading this than you are capable of healing yourself… BUT YOU CAN NOT HEAL THEM! They are not without hope, but their only hope in in themselves, if they can admit to themselves what they have been doing, albeit very unlikely. If you have read this far I KNOW YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF because when a person is that far in denial of their own ills and evils they could not possibly bear to read all this, because they would begin to recognize what they have done and who they have become - and that would spell the demise of the demons that took over their mind.
DO NOT SEEK ADVICE FROM LAYPERSONS!! THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND, THEIR RESPONSE WILL BE OUT OF ANGER, but only because they will not understand and become frustrated at their inability to help you…

I hope something about what I've written has gotten through to you… I hope that you have allowed yourself to consider that your partner may not be in control of themselves, but whatever it is that has control over them also blinds them to what they are doing, and equips them with tools to use against you - tools which have survived the test of the ages, very affective and subtle methods for disabling not only your defense mechanisms, but your will to defend yourself!
I am not condoning in any way the modern notion that if you are not full of glee and seeing rainbows everywhere that you should leave… but if you can not see the rainbows when they are there, if you don't see the beauty in smiles anymore, if the things that brought you joy and fulfillment your entire life lose their substance… YOU ARE BEING DISARMED BY AN INFECTIOUS MENTAL PROBLEM THAT PLAGUES HUMANITY, and if you don't leave, even if you survive, you will pass this disease on to everyone you can; your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and especially your children!
Breaking the cycle depends on you. First free yourself, then never stop examining yourself for signs of these ills… BE STRONGER THAN THEY ARE MEAN TO YOU. Never let their behavior become a rationalization for you to do the same to yourself or others.
Do not listen when people tell you "you are letting them do this to you." It may be kind of true, but it is an ignorant statement. They have made you incapable of NOT letting them do it to you, and eventually they will make you feel that their abuse is actually an expression of love, and you will feel good when they make you feel bad. If that continues, you will express your love for others in the same patterns, and you will not be able to see what you are doing…
Don't be angry at them, because they are not aware what they are doing. They are acting out of survival mechanisms, it is the reptilian part of their brain that is acting, and the mammalian brain has been injured to where it has no ability to recognize or inhibit these behaviors.
The only way they have a chance in hell of ever recognizing that they are ill is BY LOSING YOU! Nothing you say or do will register with the reptilian brain so long as they still have you around to look at. It's like training a crocodile! You have to take away the object of their desire, or else they will simply continue to rely on their ancient survival mechanisms and bite you, bite you, bite you!

It's cliché, and almost pointless to say to you, but you "must love yourself as much as you love them," and you must disappear… slowly you will heal. They will likely move on to the next victim immediately, with surprising grace and no sign of remorse. What would you expect a crocodile to do if it's prey had escaped it jaws before it got a meal out of it?

Thank you all, who have given your time and energy and compassion to my cause! In no way do I intend to discredit the care that you have exemplified.