Recently I looked at my GFs Facebook, while I was at her house, because she leaves it logged in and doesn't log out when she's done. I saw that she had her deceased husbands FB page still there, and she has been posting to it quite often. I saw that just last week she had left a post on his wall that said I love you.

Now, Ive been with my girlfriend for about 7 months. Since the beginning I knew that her husband had died. Unfortunately she jumped back into the dating scene only 3 short months after his death. She has a child from him who was born 1 month after he died. When we first met, I tried to keep things strictly friends for my own reasons. However, things clicked and we just hit it off. It seemed as though she really cared about me and had genuine feelings for me. Since we've been together, we've had several arguments over meaningless and really stupid stuff. I don't want to place blame because were both equally at fault. However there's been times when I've asked of her for a normal reaction, to some event that would normally induce some reaction, such as a hug a kiss or an 'im sorry'. Basically some form of affection, but she just doesn't give it. I don't know if this is how she became after her husband died, or if this was how she was all her life. These small events don't always happen but when they do, and I bring it up, she justifies her lack of action or emotion until the bitter end. I also feel as though sometimes she just has this "i dont care attitude", no matter whether things are going smooth or not.

We've broken up 2 times already because of things like this. Sometimes I wonder, if she really cared and loved me the way she says she does, would we have broken up twice already and gone through all of this unnecessary bs? What do you guys believe is the reasons for her behavior? And also, do you guys think that I'm in a healthy relationship? And if it is not healthy is there anyway to turn it into a healthy one and try to save it?

I feel like you need to be the sane, non-grieving party here and give this woman some space.

You probably don't know how she normally would react to certain situations because she has just gone through an extremely traumatic situation. She needs time to grieve and cope with her loss before she dates again. She needs the support and love of FRIENDS and FAMILY. If you wanted to be her friend, you should have been only that.

I haven't been in your situation, but I can imagine that it's hard NOT to hold her to the same standards that you do a normal functioning human. But you have to understand that she's not in a normal, functioning place right now. She needs you to understand that. Give her space, but try to do so with caring and understanding.

How long has it been since her husband died? -- not even a year, it sounds like. I'm putting my money on the supposition that she is still grieving -- but won't let herself grieve visibly and certainly hasn't really done a proper job of it so far internally OR externally. Also, she had his baby right after he died, so she was suddenly a single mom when she had planned to be in a happy family. The last thing she should have been doing all this time was seeking romantic relationships. And you got snared in this web of confusion and unexpressed grief.

She's looking for love in all the wrong places. She needs to grieve and work through her husband's death. There are five stages of grief that are experienced in order or not in order or over and over again: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It sounds like she is stuck in denial. Her arguments with you may be her way to express the anger she feels toward him for leaving her.

Do you have a sense now of where you need to go or be in this situation?

I have been asking for opinions from several people, and yes I understand What I can or cannot do in this situation, but its hard for me to make a decision because of the attachment I've developed for her. Its hard for me to say whether she has developed the same emotional attachment to me, or whether she's using me as a crutch.

Your explanation of the five stages does let me see a much clearer picture. Thank you.


Originally Posted by southamerica
I feel like you need to be the sane, non-grieving party here and give this woman some space.

You probably don't know how she normally would react to certain situations because she has just gone through an extremely traumatic situation. She needs time to grieve and cope with her loss before she dates again. She needs the support and love of FRIENDS and FAMILY. If you wanted to be her friend, you should have been only that.

I haven't been in your situation, but I can imagine that it's hard NOT to hold her to the same standards that you do a normal functioning human. But you have to understand that she's not in a normal, functioning place right now. She needs you to understand that. Give her space, but try to do so with caring and understanding.
I would very much like to give her her space. From the beginning I knew that this was a possibility but I suppose she just hid herself very well, at least externally. I care about her very much, and leaving her, although I know it is the right thing to do... im not sure if I could handle it... and I'm not even sure if she could. At times I feel as though she may be using me as a crutch... but she hides her emotions so well that its hard to understand what's really going on. Ive also tried to talk to her directly about it, but it seems whenever I bring up something having to do with her husband, she gets upset with me. I don't know what exactly she's reacting to, whether me asking, or the fact that she's trying to deny it. I don't know, but I don't think either is reason for her to get mad.

... if she really cared and loved me the way she says she does, would we have broken up twice already and gone through all of this unnecessary bs?
No.

What do you guys believe is the reasons for her behavior?
She's grieving and on the rebound.

And also, do you guys think that im in a healthy relationship?
No.


And if it is not healthy is there anyway to turn it into a healthy one and try to save it?
No.


I care about her very much, and leaving her, although i know it is the right thing to do...im not sure if i could handle it...and im not even sure if she could.
How she or you are affected by you leaving her should have no bearing on your decision to stay. You have admitted you should leave her, and you're right. As they say, the right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do.

Ive also tried to talk to her directly about it, but it seems whenever i bring up something having to do with her husband, she gets upset with me. I dont know what exactly shes reacting to, whether me asking, or the fact that shes trying to deny it. I dont know, but i dont think either is reason for her to get mad.

No, she shouldn't get mad at you, but then you shouldn't try to be her grief counselor. The sweetest thing you can do, if you really love this woman, is guide her into counseling. She really needs to learn how to grieve and how to get her house in order. She has lost a husband and the man who was to be the living and breathing father of her child. Her child's (and her) bright future hit the wall, and hit it hard.

She may also be suffering from some level of postnatal depression, with hormones churning and emotions all over the place. Yes, a real kindness would be to gently help her find a good counselor. Maybe you can hold her hand at some of the sessions and learn how to be a good support for her.

I do like this suggestion very much, and I have considered it, but it goes back to the same thing of her getting upset. Im not trying to be her grief counselor at all, but it seems that any mention of her husband, in name or not, seems to get her riled up, and therefore I can't touch the subject without her getting upset with me, even If I would try to bring it up in good graces, to simply tell her that she needs to see a counselor. She also has an attitude, sometimes a very defensive one towards me (as if I were an enemy or someone trying to fool her into something bad) so if I said that I would like her to go to counseling, she might even tell me "what for?!" in a very sarcastic tone... and then shed probably go on to deny the fact that she needs any help, or the fact that she has any problem at all... any ideas how I can go about this and get her to understand that I'm just trying to help her?

Also as a quik side note, because of her attitude... I fear that if I leave her, she may take it as me just not wanting to deal with her, and shed see it as a negative thing instead of a positive thing, because unfortunately for her, I think she believes that there is truly nothing wrong with her... Theres no way for me to explain it to her to make her understand that this is probably what she needs to get better and move on. I believe that she would have to hear it from an outside, unbiased source, for her to accept it and embrace, both the counseling and me letting her be.

Just my view on things.

You got carried away with a hurt human being, knowing that she had been through traumatic times, and I think it would be cruel to abandon her now. Sure she needed someone and you became a willing crutch to this still hurting stranger, and you owe it to yourself to follow through in a kind way. Much like taking in a scared baby bird with a broken wing. If you didn't want the responsibility of nursing it back to health, you should have left it alone in the first place.

How do you do this? Give up this notion of a healthy relationship by backing up to the safe distance of friend, and give her the space to deal with her issues her way. That does mean being a listener rather than a suggester, and let her figure herself out. That does mean you no longer be there as a cuddle bunny kisser, or dater, matter of fact nothing physical, and set your life apart from hers, as opposed to with her. Less face time.

Oh by the way when you get dumped, you should have disappeared. But since you didn't, just be a friend to a hurt friend until she doesn't need a crutch, and forget the ideas of romance. That could be years as she gets her feet back under her and can adjust to the life/death experience. Don't push, just listen from a safe distance. Leave the deep, heavy stuff alone, and be mindful of your own actions, and what you say, and talk about.

She needs a friend, not a lover, or boyfriend, and if you cannot be that friend, then buddy, leave her completely alone. You ain't a doctor, and until she wants to see one, let it go. You cannot help her, as long as your agenda and motives are to have a relationship with her. She needs time, and space, and plenty of both, understand? Can you really handle that?