I have been with my current boyfriend 1 and a half years and we just moved in together. He has a lot of obsessive compulsive tendencies with keeping the house tidy and he has never lived with a girl before so he is set in his ways so if I do not do something his way it is the wrong way or stupid. He often will say,"No one would ever do that." or ,"You should know b/c everyone in the world does it this way." I was married previously and with my ex husband from age 18-32 and then had a year and a half relationship after we divorced. Marriage ended because he was an alcoholic/addict. The boyfriend I have now is very stable financially, treated me very well, and always did what he said. Now that we live together he asks why I wear certain outfits and will suggest that I look better in something else. One time I told him I thought I was gaining weight and he said to start exercising and you can get rid of it. He made it clear he did not want to be w/ a fat girl. I have always been a highly sensitive person and I don't think he means to hurt me but I am unsure as to what is going on here? When we met he told me he never thought that someone like me would go out w/him as if I was out of his league? Please help. I am feeling insecure.

Stop taking things so personally as you both learn each other, and set boundaries of good behavior.

As you say, he has to learn to share space with you, and know when he says things that hurt, so tell him, before you feel bad. I bet just as his cleaning habits make you feel bad, I bet your sensitivity drives him NUTS.

It's a learning process, and requires time and patience, from you both.

I realize I may be being oversensitive however some examples of his behavior are :if I wear an outfit which I think I look great in, he often will say,"You are wearing THAT?." He will request me to change my outfit or hairstyle or at one time I said I think I found out why I was gaining weight as I am not overeating and I am not overweight he will say,"Why don't you get some motivation and exercise?." Keep in mind I have been told by others that I am thin, very pretty , and they do not understand his methods except that he is being mean or controlling. Some days I wonder why he chose me in the first place and I am dealing with anxiety, depression, and the recent serious suicide attempt of my brother so his behavior seems cold to me. I love him but is that enough to sustain this?

Time to sit down with him and communicate. It shouldn't be a fight or confrontation, but you should get your feelings out. So should he. If need be have a list of things that need to be covered and come up with compromises where needed.

Being sensitive doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself. If he says what you are doing is wrong or stupid, politely explain that you are not going to accept being talked to like you are a five year old. You are his partner not his child and if he can't treat you with respect then you will respect yourself and find another place to live (if it was originally his place. If it was yours, then he can leave.) I don't usually like ultimatums, but I like people attempting to belittle and control their partner even less.

On cleaning, make a list of chores and decide who is doing which ones. The other person keeps his/her mouth shut about how the other person does their chores.

It does sound like he is trying to be controlling in some ways. I will give him benefit of the doubt about telling you to exercise when you mention you are gaining weight. Many men think they are being helpful and supportive when they say things along those lines. It is pretty much a difference in communication styles between men and women.

Where the control issue comes in is in telling you what to wear or how to style your hair. It is one thing to say what he thinks would look good on you, but a very different thing if he is trying make you wear what he wants you to.

People who try to control others are usually very insecure in themselves and the relationship. They also tend to pick up on the sensitivities of others and use them to manipulate the person and the relationship. Sometimes it is on purpose, sometimes it is a defense mechanism they aren't even aware of using.

So talk to him. Set boundaries on how to handle disagreements. Decide on ways to signal each other that a line is being crossed before matters get out of hand. Remind yourselves that you can't (and shouldn't) control another person but you can control your own words and actions. If you think there is a misunderstanding, ask for clarification.

How aware is he of the stress and anxiety you are under due to your brother's situation? Is he trying to give you any support at all?

Thank you for your suggestions. My brothers's suicide attempt was very serious and he did almost die. In fact he has to receive surgery to repair the damage he has done. He is very aware of the impact my brother's siyuation has had on me and I in fact needed to take family leave and I am no longer working but I do receive income via taking out my pension early and my retirement account. He often states,"I don't understand why anyone would want to take their life." He does not understand depression or any type of mental illness. I worked in mental health previously for 8 years so I am quite aware of it. He feels you can snap out of it if you just get up and move around and be positive. He had even said he thinks people make it up. He has said I exaggerate my depression/anxiety even though he will see me crying he will say,"What now?" and "I don't have time to deaal with this." I know I cry often but he says I take things too personally and it is not his fault. I am baffled.

Just a small addition to Cat's excellent advice. How you react to his criticism can make a huge difference. My hubby mentions he doesn't like an outfit I'm wearing he gets told that's OK he doesn't have to wear it. He tells me he loves something and gets a promise I will wear it for him again sometime. There's a world of difference between choosing to do something to please your partner and feeling obliged to because of their behaviour. Make sure your choices are always made freely.

QUOTE by HurtScorpio;
I realize I may be being oversensitive however some examples of his behavior are :if I wear an outfit which I think I look great in, he often will say,"You are wearing THAT?." He will request me to change my outfit or hairstyle
So you were actually fishing for a compliment, but didn't get it. Disappointing I know, but instead of taking it personally, be blunt and honest as he is and tell him "Wrong answer you fool, all I wanted was a compliment", or something like that, or when he request you change clothes or hair, ask why, so you can at least get insights into his mindset. There is no reason not to voice opinion, or feelings, as how else will he know what you expect. He is no mind reader, nor should you assume he will ever be, but unless you teach him about you in an honest way, how will he know what he has to learn?

Especially given you are that sensitive, and may over react, and that's something he should know, acknowledge, and accept.


at one time I said I think I found out why I was gaining weight as I am not overeating and I am not overweight he will say,"Why don't you get some motivation and exercise?."
Well was he right or not?? He is harsh, but the way you react is what's important. Sensitive people build resentments because they feel personally attacked on some level, but instead of being defensive be objective and keep your own feelings under control long enough to express yourself, just so he knows to back up, or shut up. After all, what you wanted and didn't get was acknowledgment, and appreciation of your thinking. I doubt you get it unless he is aware of your feelings.

He would have been a hero if he said, " You are fine as cat hair, and you are perfect to me".

He thinks honesty is what you NEED from him, and its up to you to be "brutally honest" and tell him what you really NEED, and want from him.


Keep in mind I have been told by others that I am thin, very pretty , and they do not understand his methods except that he is being mean or controlling.
Don't you ever compare the way your man is to how others treat you. NEVER! They don't live with you. They don't live with him. They have nothing to do with how you build a relationship that works for you and your partner. Maybe he is controlling and mean, but that has little to do with the way you interact with each other and make the adjustments that allow you to grow together, or grow apart.

Be very careful of outside influences to YOUR relationship.I say that knowing that they may be supporting you with what they think you need.


Some days I wonder why he chose me in the first place and I am dealing with anxiety, depression, and the recent serious suicide attempt of my brother so his behavior seems cold to me. I love him but is that enough to sustain this?

I respectfully submit that maybe you communicate through your emotions, feelings and actions, and may not put into words things that he needs to learn, understand, and accept, just as his verbal way of expressing himself may be misrepresenting his feelings, and not understood by you.

You both have to be better listeners to each others, and be willing to learn, beyond feelings and words, or NO, love will not be enough to sustain you. You both got to give. To each other, there always has to be the benefit of a doubt, and for you personally, it means don't be so overly sensitive when you should really be paying attention with an open mind, to receive the right information. Only you have that kind of control over yourself.

Let your partner read this and respond, as I would love to get his side, and speak to him personally about the balance of being brutally honest, and paying careful attention so he can learn about his partner, and make the right adjustments.

You are a great writer, send him a letter. Let him know that brutal honesty is only useful when it is tempered with understanding, reassurance, and complete support. There must be a BALANCE.

I must admit I too would love to see what your partner has to say. While I'm not doubting for a moment that you are telling us the situation exactly as you see it, it is always helpful to see both sides of the coin. It is quite hard to gauge just how oversentive you are being or to what degree he is being insensitive.

Can I ask if you are getting any help for the anxiety and depression and if you are getting or have considered any counselling regarding the difficult situation with your brother?

Communication, communication, communication.

He may think he's being helpful and totally in line when in reality you think he's being hurtful and brutally honest. Tell him how you feel, how you interpret the situation. Use "I" statements (e.g. "I feel like you aren't respecting me as an equal..." instead of "You don't respect me as an equal").

I JUST had this conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. I complain a lot about how I lose control around sweets, and so when I say I want to get some frozen yogurt he says "I'm not sure you are making a good decision" or "I think you should slow down there". I know he thinks he's helping, and he doesn't want to hear me continue to complain about something in my control... but it's MY battle to fight, not his, and his badgering just annoys me. SO the consensus was: he doesn't try to tell me how to eat, and I stop complaining about things that I can control but don't really make the effort to.

My point: conversing with your boyfriend about your concerns might teach you something about how YOU can improve the situation as well as he.

Best of luck!

Thank you! That was very helpful!

Yes, I have been getting ongoing help with my anxiety and depression as well as the situation with my brother and also due to a long marriage hx w/ an alcoholic. I must admit I do expect the worst to happen due to my past and this guy does have good qualities however he does not see being honest as being hurtful.

however he does not see being honest as being hurtful. Which is why communication will help your relationship.

You can't hold someone to invisible standards and get mad at them for not meeting them.

As a side note, instead of hitting "reply to post", you should scroll to the bottom of the thread and use the "answer this question feature", that makes it easier for us to refer to specific points in your questions. Just a formatting issue with the site that we try to amend :)

Okay well, I'm still not sure whether your guy is trying to be helpful and could do with a little training in tact and understanding your needs, or whether he is in fact being deliberately insensitive and controlling at times. Since you know you are very sensitive and expecting the worst I guess you are not entirely sure either.

I would say at this point in time give him the benefit of the doubt and work on the communication. Learn to take a deep breath when he says something that feels critical and try to tell him how it feels to you without getting upset, and what you would prefer from him. Be prepared to listen to his point of view too.

Remember the two key points where guys often communicate differently. Firstly men often take on the 'must fix this' mantle. So if we complain about something, instead of sympathising, as a woman might be more inclined, they will be more likely to come up with a solution.

If I said to my man I'm worried about my weight he would be quite likely to come up with suggestions on what I could do about it. He would need to be told that what I actually want to hear is that he still finds me attractive and would love me even if I was the size of an elephant because what I am looking for is a little extra love whilst I deal with the problem. Even after 26 years of marriage my hubby sometimes needs reminding of this, but he responds brilliantly when reminded. Of course for my part I need to remember that this would be a bit trying if I were to ask for it too often and I am quite adult enough to deal with my own weight issues without constant reassurance.
I promise once you get to the point where you need to ask for reassurance only when it is really needed, can do so clearly, and get it, any issues regarding weight or anything else become so much easier. I gained about 30 pounds not too long ago due to illness, a combination of forced inactivity and medication. I did ask for and receive a little reassurance as I was not in a position to tackle it for a while. Once I was over the worst I could get back on track, and am now 7 pounds above the weight I was when we married. The right balance of support and self-reliance has made it really not too difficult.

The second thing is that guys are often much more literal in their communication than women. If a woman says, 'I don't understand depression etc' she probably is being critical. For a guy it can often be taken quite literally. Since you have a background working in this area if he says he doesn't understand you have a perfect opportunity to explain anything you would like him to understand.

You are going through some difficult times and need some extra support. This is perfectly reasonable so tell him what you need from him. On the other hand some people do slip into seeming needy by looking for reassurance at every turn, so do be aware of just how much you are looking to get from him, and remember we cannot expect our partner to meet all our needs. I am very pleased to hear that you are getting outside help too, and hopefully that will start to pay off as well.

If his comments are a result of him misunderstanding what you need from him when you are looking for reassurance then you changing how you ask him for support should make a big difference. On the other hand if he is controlling by nature I would expect him to dig his heels in and possibly try to become even more controlling if you become more independent and clearer in your needs. If that happened I would suggest counselling for you both or a reappraisal of the relationship, but I don't see that you have reached that point yet. And do give it time. Changes don't happen instantly.

We went camping with some others for a few days and I fely him being insensitive to what I felt were my needs again. We were swimming and I hurt my arm badly slipping on a rock. I went to the tent early to sleep as it was pouring rain anyway. When he decided to enter the tent later I moved and realized my arm hurt much worse, so much so I began to cry. He says,"Does it really hurt that bad? Why didn't it hurt that bad before." After asking if he could help me in the rain and dark to the bathroom he says," You have to be kidding me! Now? Can't you go yourself?" He thinks by "doing things" like making brakfast for me in the AM or is showing his love yest he does not get the whole showing affection, does not like to do that in front of family eeven a small peck and I have gone over this issue before as well that I wpould rather cuddle or hug than have him assist me w/something. It is like he just does not get it. At camp he did not sit next to me near the fire even one time - he would stand up but as long as he made food for e he loved me? BTW thank everyone so much for great advice.

Thank you so much! Incredibly helpful.

Okay, well it seems your guy shows his love by acts of service, and this is not what really floats your boat.

People express and receive love in different ways. What works best for one is not always what works best for another.

Try reading, and sharing with your partner, Gary Chapman's book, 'The 5 love languages.'

You can an idea of what it is all about here:

The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/)

We probably all show and appreciate love in many ways, but some things will be more meaningful to each of us. For me affirmation and physical expression are the most important. For my husband quality time, acts of service, and affirmation would all score highest. Understanding our own and each other's needs can help us to show love in ways that are most appreciated and learn to appreciate the fact our partner may be doing their best to express their love but in a language that doesn't feel too familiar to us.

Keep working on getting him to understand what you need and work on understanding him. Learn to ask for what works for you clearly and remember to appreciate what he does give.

When you say he just doesn't 'get it', that's probably exactly right. He probably wonders why you don't 'get it' when he makes you breakfast to show he loves you. That's why you need honest communication.

Regarding the situation with your arm. Ask yourself what you were really asking for. Naturally you were in pain and wanted some sympathy and assistance. However, I suspect tied up in that were all the things you are asking for long-term that you don't feel you are getting. He would have been getting the message that it was about more than the fact your arm hurt but not have been getting a full understanding of your needs. This would have left him feeling that you were wanting something from him but with no clear idea what, so he would have been backing off. Of course he could have just helped you to the bathroom. I suspect he knew on some level that would not have been enough and it left him floundering so he made a clumsy attempt to get to what was really the matter but in a way that made you feel pushed away. That make sense? Sorry I'm finding it hard to put that into words properly.

The insensitive boob could have given you a flashlight to find your way to the toilet in the dark!

I would have. And a roll of soft toilet paper. I think it helpful to realize that your sensitivity also brings a stubbornness with it, and maybe you are more prone to taking everything as a sleight.

I love you HS, and know you have been through a few things but be honest. Are you a bit spoiled? I know you are intensely emotional. Look not defending the guy, don't know him, crude maybe, blunt maybe so, but he is who he is, and what matters more than the way he is, is how you handle YOUR actions, and reactions. You seem to put a lot of blame on him not meeting your immediate emotional needs, but maybe its you who are not dealing with your own needs in more positive ways. Just a thought, but needy, and dependent keep coming up. Okay be blunt, right track? Wrong track?

Yes, in fact I smiled to myself reading your answer as you must seem to know my type of person well. I do not mean to be spoiled or sensitive yet growing up my mother showed her love by giving me things instead of time and affection and all men in my life were either abusive, unavailable, and then after a failed relationship with an alcoholic where I felt I was caring for a child, I feel in a way it is my turn to be treated correctly for once. When I see insensitive actions occurring again,it worries me of the past. I am codependent and try not to be yet still feel needing affection is not being needy. I discussed this situation with him and the feeling that he does not care about me and he told me that he feels that no matter what he does, he sees I am upset with it so in regard to the arm incident and bathroom incident he said he can not tell anymore what is really upsetting to me and what is not because to him "every little thing" upsets me. He says he does care.

Yes, this makes complete sense and I will look into the book you suggest. You are right because he told me he feels no matter what he does it never will be enough to make me happy and he is unable to distinguish when something "hurts" me as he says I am set off so easily by the smallest thing. So, I understand exactly what you are saying. Although when he returned home from camping he complained of body aches and I mentioned to him I felt no empathy as he did not care about my arm reminding him of what he said. He claims he does not remember saying it and I said he did and I showed him the bruising on my arm. He then said he again did not know it was really that bad and went on to his complaints which I ignored.

Oh dear, reminds me of the story of the boy who cried wolf. You can't really expect anyone to be attentive all the time if every trifle is presented as a major issue. And you don't show him any concern when he complains. Does he complain about his own well-being often? It's not a competition you know.

Well done for admitting that you have these issues. Have you discussed these things with a counsellor?

Don't be so self absorbed, and relax. Don't take things so personally.

Wait a second... that came off the wrong way. He cries for hiws own well being plenty and gets plenty of sympathy. The only reason and ONE and only reason I showed no sympathy to him in that instance is when I was bruised up from swimming and had a hurt arm he showed no remorse and then asked,"Is it really that bad?". I have been quite empathetic to him in other instances more so than any other relationship which is difficult after being treated like crap by an alcoholic who has no sympathy for anything and is self centered. I know I have issues. Never said it was a competition and not being immature here, just asking for advice,

I don't think I am being self absorbed by asking for affection? Seems the more info. I put out on the posts the more sarcasm I get, not from you so to speak but please realize that when emotions are on the line there are reasons people are asking for help. I am appreciate of your help but how does someone "not take things so personally" and I will ask my therapist this but to all who post, please keep obvious sarcasm to yourself, no offense.

I wasn't being sarcastic, sorry you took it that way, I will explain my comments.

You see things through the filter of your feelings, and act on those feelings. I don't think anyone has been sarcastic so far, but I do know why you see it that way. We haven't been as empathetic as you need us to be. To be fair, we may have failed to give you very clear advice, or specific enough for you to see a definite plan.

Fair warning, I have been reading your other posts closely, the advice you give others and there are no signs of you being emotionally sensitive, or wishy washy or having a flawed view of things, or even being insecure if you want to be honest, but that changes when it comes to YOU.

I have concluded you have a problem coping with things directed AT you, and you take it to heart because its not the response you want. Actually that's a healthy thing, if its kept in perspective. Will you please stop assuming you are being attacked for chrissake! Just ask next time, "are you attacking me or something?".

Take a step back, and think before you act or speak is my humble advice, as you learn positive ways to express yourself. Now don't feel its all your fault, its not. Half your problem is how your partner handles you, how you interact, and I can tell your expectations may be a bit high, and can use some adjustments, but he himself needs to make some adjustments also, as MUCH can be gained by talking calmly.

Confession-Sometimes I lose control and become an overbearing, uncaring, lunatic. Just a confession, no comments necessary, thank you.

In response to your reddie, I wasn't being sarcastic, but I apologise if it came across that way. My question as to whether he too seems to have a lot of complaints was a genuine one. We aren't inside your relationship so can only try and put the pieces together from what you tell us. Sometimes couples do get a little competetive in terms of voicing their needs. Sometimes when we feel our partner is not listening to us we stop listening to them and put our own points across more and more. The reminder was meant for both of you, not just you. It was meant as a somewhat light-hearted reminder not an attack. When you described the scenario where neither of you were prepared to profer sympathy it did sound a little like a competitive situation, where you each felt your own need was the greater. I suspect part of the problem is that you cannot judge my intent fully from the written word. Always a potential problem in this sort of exchange. However, the fact that you felt so attacked does make me think you are taking things quite personally. As Talaniman says if you think you might be being attacked why not check it out rather than assuming. A simple, 'I feel like that is an attack, what are you trying to say?' might be a good idea.

There is absolutely no shame in having issues. We all have them at times. I have worked through plenty myself and I expect others will arise at times. I am so glad you are sticking around so we can keep trying. A lot of people if they felt attacked, even if that was not the intent, would have just vanished. That says a lot.

Thank you for explaining and it makes more sense now. I am also feeling that I am not as important as I used to be as we just moved in together a month ago and I relocated, have no job, and feel like when he is home from work there could be some focus on me. I was told today that if I expect him to sit beside me 24 hours a day that is not going to happen as he has other things to do. Just seems like I have to chase him down for a conversation and almost makes me want to just leave but where? Not like I have anywhere to go and seemingly doubt he would miss me anyway -lol.

Have you managed to make any friends since the move? Are you planning on looking for a job?

It seems possible that a big gap in your life might have opened since the move. He may feel that you need him to fill the whole of that gap and that may seem somewhat overwhelming. Though I do think some support while you find your feet since the move would be in order.

I'm guessing somewhat here, but I can imagine a scenario where you feel lonely and the days are long and you can't wait for him to get home, whilst he comes home from work wanting to unwind and go on as usual and feels he gets no time to himself.

It's not long since you moved in together so there's still the process of adjusting to each other's ryhthms to work through.

Maybe he needs a little unwinding space after work before he can open up to you. If he feels he doesn't get that he might be constantly backing off, trying to get it.

When we first had children I was often quite desperate for adult company by the time my husband got home. It took me a little while to realise that he needed time to adjust from his work head to his family head before we could really relax and chat together. I also found that the more I made an effort to seek out other people to spend time with during the day the less I felt such an immediate need for his attention. It gave us more to talk about too. Slightly different scenario I know but a big change from when we were both working.

If I'm wide of the mark and your days are full and happy and you just want to share that with him then do put me straight.

Just a final thought, and this is not meant sarcastically or critically, but is just a general observation: When we chase someone they might want to run away, when we wait for them to come to us, if they want to be with us, they will do so when they are ready. Hard sometimes, I know.

Thank you for explaining and it makes more sense now. I am also feeling that I am not as important as I used to be as we just moved in together a month ago and I relocated, have no job, and feel like when he is home from work there could be some focus on me. I was told today that if I expect him to sit beside me 24 hours a day that is not going to happen as he has other things to do. Just seems like I have to chase him down for a conversation and almost makes me want to just leave but where? Not like I have anywhere to go and seemingly doubt he would miss me anyway -LOL.

No wonder you are having such insecurities. You have nothing to make yourself happy in your own right. You really do need to make some changes through building a life of your own that you enjoy, with friends and activities, that makes you happy. A happy person is healthy, and will have happy healthy relationships.

You need to get busy, and you will. Its only been a month! You have barely gotten started and its much to soon to quit on yourself until you have made the right efforts, and adjustments, to be happy and healthy. I wish you had told us those facts a week ago. Boy the picture is abundantly clear with more facts. I think you will be okay in 6/7 months, or a year, once you have gotten a job, and a few girlfriends to shop till you drop with.

It seems to me he does not meet your emotional needs and he does not seem to care that he doesn't.
That does not mean he is bad, he is just not the one for you.
Love sustains but you have to be loving the right person and that person needs to be loving you.

Maybe you two are just not compatible.

I am actually used to being the "caretaker" of the other person and now I feel very dependent. I had 2 great jobs straight out of college and relocated expecting with my experience that I would have no problem establishing something where I am now and I was pretty much forced to leave my old job due to taking leave for my brother's suicide attempt which was unacceptable as I took previos leave for depression from my divorce. I have been seeking employment -even things that I would never look at and I am having difficulty. I am not social, quite anti-social in fact as I am unable to trust people as I have learned they eventually leave or betray so I find it easier to isolate. I am just now beginning to trust his family which was even an issue in the beginning, My "friends had usual been my co-workers and now I speak to people via e-mail so my social network is my boyfriend.

Give me a time line as how long after your divorce, and contact with the ex end, and this new relationship began, and where does your brother suicide fit into time line??


he has never lived with a girl before so he is set in his ways

I figure it will take more than a month to dispel the myths of love and high expectations before reality comes into view

You have had and are having some tough times. Believe me I can relate to that.

Firstly the job situation. Bad economy. New town, no contacts. Difficult I know. I have been in the position of spending an awful lot of time job hunting and the rest of the time wondering why on earth I wasn't getting anywhere. It can certainly bring you down. One day I thought to myself, 'hang on, what about all those things I was always wishing I had time for when I was working.' A walk in the park feeding the ducks. A day in the kitchen trying out new recipes. A good book I never had time to read. Of course I still had to keep going with the job applications but deciding to value and enjoy the rest of the time while I had it gave me a space in my life to really do all the things I generally never have time for.

Next your trust issues. These run deep. One thing I hadn't thought about was that losing your brother probably feels like yet someone else who let you down and left you. You are still greiving I would imagine. It takes time. A long time.

The break-down of your first marriage has presumably contributed as well.

The trouble is if we try and insulate ourselves from getting hurt we generally stop ourselves being open to the good stuff too. But those walls we make around ourselves feel safer don't they? Breaking them down takes courage, time, and help.

Keep going with the counselling. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. If you aren't ready to open up to other people yet try and open up to things you can do alone and enjoy the world around you. The first step to opening up is to open up to yourself. Quiet time sitting by a river, feeling the beauty of the place but acknowledging the sadness that the absence of other people makes us feel for example is not time wasted.

HurtScorpio does not find this helpful: Not sure if you have read my post from beginning to end and fully understand the situation and if not by no means do I mean to be offensive but I don't see it as a compatibility issue.

I did not say it was I said maybe it could be an issue. When a person does not meet the needs of another it can be they are not on the same page. That one needs what the other cannot or does not see the point of providing.
It can also mean there are so many things going on in your life right now, he can't.
I was making a suggestion.

You are two sensitive and he is too straight forward. But if you are moving in with him, then you obviously really like him. Communication can save just about every type of relationship out there from family to friendships to sexual relationships. Have you ever actually sat down with him and told him everything you wrote above there? When it comes to my boyfriend, I struggle to talk to him about issues that we have between us, but he insists we do. Communicating does not solve the problem but it lets the other person know that we have a problem and perhaps you're boyfriend is not even aware that you feel this way.

I think this is a compatibility issue. Whether you make the right adjustments to overcome it is what counts. That can be rather challenging, and time consuming.

I told ex-husband that I wanted a divorce in 2/ 2008 while he was in jail for his second DUI. At that time I began chatting with another person much younger and had 2 brief encounters lasting about 2 months. My ex husband got out of jail in 4/2008 still knowing my intent was divorce and still many times made phone contact and visits attempting to "win me bacK" and that he would "stop drinking" and eventually said that no, he will not stop drinking and that,"You will take me back and I will drink." I told him he had to be kidding himself and he told me I would never file divorce. I did delay the process until I met someone I fell in love with in 6/2008 and filed papers then. The divorce was final in 2/ 2009. He continued to maintain contact via text even though I was in a relationship and then he stopped in 6/ 2009. My new relation broke up 11/09 and been with current since 2/10. My brother's ATTEMPTED suicide was 3/2011 but he is still in recovery -this is in response to talaniman but comment would not post. Thanks.

Thank you for using the answer box. It gives you more room to reply than the 'comment' feature does.

One thing I notice that you have had very little time between serious relationships. Have you really taken time to get to know yourself when there isn't a man in your life?

Am I correct in thinking that this was a long distance relationship before you moved in with him? How much interaction did the two of you actually have before the decision was made for you to give up your life and move however far to be with him?

Do you have any interests that help you let go of stress and might be a way of meeting new people? Some hobbies can even be turned into money-making ventures.

Volunteer work can help on many levels to make friends, job contacts, rebuild yourself, put your past experience to work, gain new experiences that can help you broaden your resume, etc.

Be patient with yourself and others as you are still healing from a lot of past emotional turmoil.

Enough to choke a horse.

In reply to Cat's questions, my current relationship of a year and a half was "long distance" so to speak as we lived about an hour and a half away from each other. We spoke every day at his lunch break, when he arrived home, and then before bed. We saw each other on Friday,Saturday, and Sunday where he would usually come to see me and then he would leave from my house to go to work on Monday. About once a month or less I would go see him with that same pattern. We had discussed moving in together but did not want to rush things so we waited as my previous relationship we moved in after 3 months and the guy I met at 18 that I married we moved in fairly quick as well. So, no there really has not been a long time of living alone. He, as I said, is 2 years older than myself and has never lived w/ a female -has had male room-mates in the past but usually had his own place. He as mentioned before as well is meticulous as the way he wants things done, his cleaning habits, and cconsiders how I live "messy" although it is far beyond. I have a comfortable feeling being alone and hobbies I have are w/in the home such as painting and non-social. I tend to work on trying to trust people and now our latest issue is his nieces and nephews visiting often and him saying I am "jealous or hateful" of them as they easily stress me as they cater to them esp. the 4 yr. old as a "princess" who is demanding and I decided I do not want kids. His family is SO close and something about that almost irritates me -not the kids. Is that odd?
"

Yes, I understand that however when I explain this to him he is annoyed and says it is an excuse just as the depression is dramatic and he often says ,"i am really getting tired of it." He knew everything in the beginning but it is funny how even when you are open with a person they think they can "handle it" . Sometimes I just want to go back to how it was with the long distance relationship but the problem is financially where I was I could not afford it as the rent is higher, finding a job is more difficult, and I really do want to work on things. I am frustrated by his coping mechanisms of avoidance, sleeping on the couch, saying it is all me (which I don't deny a lot is however it takes two), and his game of "I am perfect" which he says as an avoidance joke but knows it drives me crazy.

I know you did not like my comment but I go back to the point that you two may not be compatible. You two are at odds with a number of things. It may be time to re evaluate the relationship to see if it is worth continuing. Maybe you both could do some couples counseling.

So you say you are out of your own comfort zone, and have to take crap from a fellow that knows, or thinks you are a weak, helpless, drama queen??

Don't get all sensitive, and defensive on me, just asking. That is the picture you have painted.

To Talaniman-Hmmm... I am unsure what you mean. I am definitely oversensitive no doubt however I do feel my boyfriend plays on that weakness. To try to explain, every person I have dated has given me the line that they,"can not believe that a person like YOU would go out with a guy like ME." so I suppose in their eyes, not in mine, they have viewed themselves to have a "trophy girlfriend" in ways of looks, good job, intelligence, etc. when most of these guys were "losers". This guy also said this to me in the beginning and from outward appearances he has the same type of "look" but on the other hand is NOT a loser as he has a good job, good morales,you get my point. The reason I am explaining all this is I feel that once he realized I had low self esteem he saw he could manipulate me like clay to try to create the "perfect woman". He made it clear he will not be with a "fat girl" which I am far beyond but now I am obsessing over weight and have been doing 2 cardio workouts a day plus dieting and lost 5 lbs. in 1 week trying to reach my "perfect weight". Today we went to a graduation party and he told me I should have my TOENAILS done professionally as ,"you have no idea how to do them." I asked him if he was going to pay for that and he said ,"No!" Granted, this man is now passing gas and thinks it is funny and will not shave when I say he should but does not hold back to tell me if my hair gets frizzy or anything is not just right. Then I tell him I think he wants a barbie for a girlfriend and he laughs and says,"Who wouldn't?" and then later tells me,"You are perfect." Yeah, after he slugs down 4 beers. Told him I did not want to hear it. I wish he would shut his mouth because I am real annoyed. HELP.

I know we are at odds and we did one couples session at one point to which he concluded, "She agreed with me so this is all you and you need to really fix your way of thinking." Yes, I know that. I have known that since forever and that is what I have been working on but something tells me there is a reason he is 38 years old and single (well he is with me now) but not really had a long term relationship that was a "real" relationship, he was not married,etc. There are lots of years to be having relationships -yes, no doubt I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage trying to make it work but all he had close to that was an on/off 3 year thing with a girl who refused sexual relations with him? Very weird that he sees nothing odd about the lack of relationships and not that he was screwing a bunch of people either.

Maybe he is single because he wants to be.

He does not seem to have much respect for you or your feelings, I'm not understanding why you want to stay with him.
I think he stays with you because he can control you.

I just think you take things way to seriously, and try to hard, when you should be yourself, maybe with some brutal honesty of your own. Maybe he is a pushy type and expressive, but you don't have to bend over so far backward to please. Sometimes its better to just stand pat, and do things your way, not his.

Sometimes people are overbearing with us because we let them be. Because he is brutally honest, maybe he wants you to be because that's what he understands.

If all he got out of a counseling session was that you are the only one with problems and need to change your way of thinking, why don't you?

Tell him exactly what you are thinking and tell him to 'shut his mouth' if that is how you feel. Stop allowing his attitude to affect how you view yourself.

Quite frankly, he sounds like one of those 'great guys to casually date but I wouldn't want to live with him' types.

I honestly don't think the two of you got to know each other well enough before you moved in. To me, it seems like you both rushed into living together. I think you both need some space and time to adapt to each other when distance isn't a major factor. I know what you have said about your finances and that finding a job hasn't been going very well, but I think you need to find a way to get more personal space and time apart from each other. Even if that is separate rooms, the couch, or a tent in the back-yard.

I want to try to answer Cat, Talaniman, and Homegirl 50 so here goes:I know he does not want to be single because I spoke to his friends and they have all said that when he was single all he spoke about was wanting to have a girlfriend and be in a relationship. I don't think he "wants" to control me. I think some how it ends up being that way because he is NOT a controlling person w/the exception of his OCD w/cleaning. I think because myself esteem is so low, it is easier for him to manipulate situations to be how he wants them to be. Granted, I did not notice this until we moved in together. I explained several reasons I want to stay I think but of course I do love him (I know blah, blah,blah) but honestly he has been the most mentally stable, emotionally stable, financially stable person I have been with so I do place blame on myself for being a "baby" sometimes. Yesterday I asked him to attempt to not be "so hard on me" with his comments and he agreed but previously in the evening at my 18 year old brother's graduation party he spoek to my mom and they laughed agreeing that I was a "tough cookie w/no sense of humor and overly sensitive." Meanwhile, my other brother, the one who had made the serious suicide attempt locked himself in his bedroom during my other brother's graduation party. Yeah, I was upset over this and they both say to let it go and celebrate for my other brother. I don't know if any of you listen to the band Korn but their lyrical content is emotionally intense and I listened to them on the way to the party and todl my boyfriend I could so much relate to the lyrics which said (not exact)"The stress is stabbing me with daggers and making me bleed,down on my knees,trying to please everyone is stressing me...fake people with their masks putting their daggers into me...bringing me to my knees..and to the best lyric..making me their ******g whore (not literally of course but he means doing everything tp please everyone is stressing him so much that it pains him. The lead singer was abused by his mother and father and knows true emotional pain as do I and as my boyfriend I don't think has ever truly experienced to be able to empathize even a bit to understand I am still grieving for my brother even if he is alive. I am unable ,Talaniman to be as brutally honet as he is b/c I can't hurt a person I love. He even tells he thinks he is ugly, has a big nose, is too skinny and tries to make me agree and I won't b/c even if I did think that, I could not say it. That is why I do not understand why people who love can hurt others so much - I would rather be alone than have someone "stinging and pinching " me emotionally. So, today I told him I felt uncomfortable with him going away for a weekend w/the guys to a football game to see the Steelers in December as I don't like his one friend who I feel is a "pig". He freaked out saying I was delusional, crazy, not right in the head. So, at this point I texted him a message to say the words had to stop or I will leave, start by placing my belongings in storage,etc. We are not speaking at the moment.

Your not wanting him to go away with friends to a football game because you don't like one of his friends is over the top.
It seems both of you have problems that need to be dealt with and until you do, you won't be good for anybody.
Leaving each other alone may be the best thing for both of you.

I left a comment and general overall answer for everyone but just to comment I know I try to hard. I think I want some positive feedback. I lost 5 llbs and on my frame you can tell my waist is smaller and my body is toning already with that much exercise and it is as if I have to ask for it. Last night I actually said,"Look at my butt-there is less fat there now." He says,"Yeah I see that -it looks good." Ummm... well, think you could have said so? Considering you don't mind pointing out the negative? LOL He actually said he thought his grandmother was gaining weight when his own father said she appeared to be losing weight. He has a real issue with people who are "fat" or even "chunky" he sees as "fat" -it is like you have to have the body of Gwynyth Paltro (sp) to be thin -that is thin to him. Meanwhile, on Facebook I had posted I was dieting and working out and MY family made several comments saying,"I wish I had a body like that."

No offense and call me super sensitive but I find your advice quite judgemental and as I viewed your answeres to others questions I also saw that as well. You don't know that this friend sends him daily porn texts and also when I gave my boyfriend and him free concert tickets he wanted to go look for "hot chics" with my boyfriend rather than watch the bands when the guy is married. I know I have problems, obvious. I would give you a thumbs down but I am "not allowed". I am offended by your answer and annoyed quite frankly.

Well, I have been telling him to shut his mouth and then he says I am mean to him. We were together a year and 5 months before we moved in together so I figured we knew each other well enough. We were together 3 out of 7 days a week and spoke every day several times a day and were texting all the time. Admittedly I am not easy to live with as I have been told by the 2 men who I have previous lived with and I am very moody, my moody change like the wind. I am probably as you mentioned above as well but really, should we just give up on everyone because every person you meet is going to have some type of problem really.

Well if you had you given the particulars as to why you did not like this guy perhaps my answer would have been different. I can only give advice based on what you put out there. You said you didn't like him and that by itself is a strange reason to not want him to go to a football game with his friends.

At any rate, do you trust your boy friend to be going and doing what he says he is going to do? While his friend may be a bad influence, your boy friend has to make the choice to do the right thing or not. To be honest with you or not.
I still stand by my answer. You two have a lot of issues and until you both work on them, you both will not be happy together.
You may very well love him but there seems to be a lot of control and drama going on. That does not make for a happy relationship.
Work on you, get through your hard times and issues then perhaps he will not affect you so much and maybe he will ultimately stop baiting you. But he has things he needs to work on as well.
I suggest you two take a break from each other.

What do you call a person whose feelings distract them from paying attention, and understanding what someone is saying, and doing.

Put simply your expectations of your partner are a bit... unreasonable, and need adjusting to say the least. Its obvious he has lived with himself a very long time and has no experience paying attention to you, and unfortunately, you ain't helping him.

This should be a period of adjusting to each others ways, and either accepting it or leaving it alone. It takes years to learn each others language, yet you seem to think everything is about you when its really not, but you want what you want, when you want it, and it's a problem when you don't get it when and the way you want it.

You never learned when to back off, let go, and just observe without your feelings getting in the way have you? Be careful HS, the changes you want him to make may not be to his liking. I smell passive/aggressive control freak here (you, not him). Ask yourself why are your feelings being hurt so much?

I want to hear what you say, but the fix is simple, stop fixating on his behavior, and look at your own more objectively, and give some serious thought to volunteering, really! You need to be able to get out of self and change your focus greatly.

Just to start I should let ou know he bought me flowers and apologized for saying the mean comments to me (being delusional,crazy). I did say in the text I sent that I did not mind if he went to the foot ball game yet in the back on my mind I did worry. Yes, I trust him yet drunken guys are persuasive to get their friends to do things they would not normally do on a weekend away. Shockingly I was told that the guy I did not trust has been with his wife since high school and has never cheated on her and did have the opportunity in my boyfriend's presence w/ a female rock star and he declined and this was before they had been married so he said he knew the guy would not cheat on her and I had the wrong impression. The other guys he is going with I trust. Nonetheless, I have this abandonement feeling worried that I don't know what is happening. Yes, I am defintely a passive/aggressive control freak but I feel I need to be to get the affection and love I need.

I do trust my boyfriend as he ALWAYS says what he is going to do and does so and calls,etc. My concern was the manipulation or persuasion of other guys when they get drunk with the "no women around" mentality of maybe getting away with things but as I posted above the guy of concern has never been a cheater. The last time he was with the guy I called and since he would not answer the cell for an hour I kept calling and drove myself crazy wondering why he would not answer because he always answers and told him he should come see me to prove he was with no one which he did and saying he did not want to answer as he was talking w/the other guys and I kept calling and texting. He really made me happy by bringing meflowers today as he has not done so in a year and he actually made me think he does care. It let me ease off him. I want to get a job whatever it may be to focus my thoughts elsewhere as I also have the obsessive OCD/anxiety. A break is sort of impossible as it is avoidance

And not only that we have essentially established a home together as a couple. I am 36 and he is 38. It is like saying I should go live with mom and dad an hour and a half away while we "decide what to do". It is almost immature if you know what I mean. I feel the adult thing to do is face the problem or split. Reason being, I am unemployed and I need to seek employment to support myself and not depend on unemployment forever and the amount I make will in no way provide me w/ an apartment, pay bills, and eat,etc. in my old area which is a resort town so cost of living is VERY high. Where I live now rent is $200 lower, food prices are lower, all bills are lower. Yet, if I were to remove myself and establish new residency here it would make no sense because I would have to sign a lease,etc. It is like moving backward in the relationship. Point being, I would not stay in a town he is in we were not doing well. Might as well move home. So, I need some advice from my therapist. But,thank you.

'Yes, I am defintely a passive/aggressive control freak but I feel I need to be to get the affection and love I need.'

This is where your feelings are leading you astray. The affection and love you need has to primarily come from yourself. If you are constantly seeking it from someone else, firstly that will push them away, and secondly even if you get it, it will never feel enough. It is always easier to love, and show love, to someone who is comfortable in their own skin.

When you mentioned losing 5 pounds in weight, at what point should he have noticed? I mean it doesn't happen all at once. So at 4 pounds, 5, 6? I lost 14 pounds not long ago and my husband didn't notice till I dragged him round the shops because I needed new clothes. I did get some nice compliments when I started wearing the new outfits but frankly men can be a bit slow on the uptake with these things. Was I getting upset waiting around for the compliments? Not a bit, I was too busy feeling happy with myself and enjoying it, the compliments were just the icing on the cake later.

This is the part you need to work on. Telling yourself you have done a good job losing the weight. Telling yourself you are looking good or are behaving well. I suppose it's rather ironic but the less affirmation we need from others the more willing they often seem to be to give it.

If he goes out of his way to be controlling or negative, absolutely let him know he's out of order. Not because you think he is 'mean' but because you expect him to respect your boundaries.

Reading this might help if you are not sure about setting and respecting boundaries:

Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them (http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html)

Get your own behaviour sorted instead of constantly worrying about his. Once you have done so if he hasn't started behaving better I would bet you will know the solution. It's not easy but it is worthwhile. Keep working at it and keep on with the counselling.

Before I go on, your boyfriend sounds just like my husband USED to be. When we would walk through the door, I would put my purse and coat down so that I could go to the bathroom. When I came out, the purse and coat were already put up. He couldn't stand a "mess."

When we went camping, in Alaska, if I asked him to accompany me to the bathroom (a bush), he would have literally asked my if I wanted him to pull my panties down too!

Oh, yes, I am familiar with depression/anxiety. My father lived with it the last 20 years of his life and I suffered severe post partum depression with 3 of my children.

Now for the HARSHNESS WARNING and I am prepared for my reddie.

You say you are 36, well you are acting like you are 16.

Your brother ATTEMPTED suicide, he was not successful, so get off the pity pot and be happy you still have a brother!

As for your boyfriend. Girl give him a break! He's never lived with a woman before, he doesn't know how to treat a live-in woman. He's treating you like one of the guys because that's all he knows. The two of you have only lived together for one month, give him time to adjust and learn. Not everyone is as affectionate as you. Some men just don't know how to show affection.

Yes, I have read every post on this thread and you sound like a spoiled rotten princess.

Maybe it's time you talk to your doctor about a medication adjustment.

Quell your own impulsive behavior as you both agree to boundaries, because he will not go for petulant manipulations by you. I think you are creating your own problems right now so soon into this learning experience.

Heck you barely can control yourself, so quit trying to control everyone else, especially him.

Are you a drama queen too?? Relax and get a hobby or something.

Comments on J_9s post

OK -I am not going to give you a red for 1 reason only - your post was helpful. BUT... MY BROTHER ALMOST DIED SO GO BACK AND READ THE POSTS MISS B/C HE DRANK DRAINO BACK IN MARCH AND HE IS STILL NOT ABLE TO EAT FOOD SO EXCUSE MY HARSHNESS BUT SCREW YOU! His whole esophohus is destroyed as well as his stomach and he needs surgery to have a piece of his intestine made into his esophogus so he can eat. He drank DRAINO! Do you know what that does to pipes? Well, think what it does to a 22 year old's throat and stomach and you know what -changed my mind -you are getting a red. Appreciate all the advice because sounds like we could have made a great connection but you ruined what could have been by slamming me for grieving my brother's attempted suicide- not like he just made superficial wrist cuts or took a few aspirin. The specialists even said they were shocked he made it and were not used to dealing w/this as people do it but hardly ANYONE LIVES!

Also, I was with an alcoholic from age 18-32 so yeah maybe I do act like a 16 year old because I had to basically be a "mother" to a guy who acted like one. I was always the responsible one in the relationship and he always wanted to party and yeah, I do emotionally act like a 16 year old because as noted by my therapist - being verbally abused severely in my teens and still being hit by belts with the worst occurring at age 16 is when my emotions "lapsed" and never got past that point just as my ex husband who began drinking at age 13-14 was emotionally stunted at that age which is probably why we connected when we were 18 -we both were emotionally immature. I have learned all that in therapy. So yes, I am very emotionally needy but a princess? Spoiled rotten? In my dreams lady. You have no clue. My life has been a living hell so now that I have this somewhat stable man I have no idea how to deal and he is OCD no doubt.

Forgive me if I missed this but what kind of therapy are you in to cope with your brother's attempted suicide? If you're not you really should be.

I lost a family member in 2005 when she was 8 years old and I wish I had seen a therapist because though my friends and family understood that I was traumatized, my actions still drove people away. If someone didn't call me back within an hour I went into hysterics thinking they had died. I really needed a professional then and if you're not seeing one now for this, you should... that way you can learn to cope with your feelings as opposed to letting them affect how you relate to others in your world.

So what are you going to do about your own flaws, issues, and coping with your own feelings? At some point you have to stop making excuses for the actions of others, and rise above what you have been through, or drown in your own sh1t. That's a choice we all face.

Thank you for being the sole person who has not been judgemental, arrogant, or nasty in offering real ADVICE which is helpful and also giving me a resource. I have read a book on boundaries before as I used to attend Al-Anon and I believe my therapist or maybe even a friend suggested a good book for me but obviously I need another. You are right about the weight loss. I know 5 lbs. is not a lot. I think since I worked so hard in 1 week I wanted a "reward" so to speak and I had once been at 200 lbs. and went all the way to 133 via Weight Watchers so he saw a picture of me at my highest weight and he said he could not stand to look at the picture. I am about 150 now and want to be at 133 but in my 30's my body is fighting it badly. It likes to stay at 145 and 140 at the lowest so 133 is like super thin - maybe not to some but I am 5'8" and I am almost bony at that but he seems to think I looked good and it irritates me a bit because I know I will have to eat next to nothing to be 133.

That also includes at least a daily 1 hour workout which is OK when I am not working but once I start up work again I would be dying as I also have fibromyalgia which is not severe but certain days I ache and I am real tired. I am also understanding what you are saying that when I am constantly seeking love and affection from others it pushes them away which makes perfect sense. It would be smothering. I appreciate the way you word things as to not be hurtful or rude. I also appreciate your encouragement. You are right that I need to work on me and I think the others have said that but you are more respectful :-)

Ok, on the subject of boundaries. What weight are you happy at? If this isn't the weight that he thinks is ideal, what would someone with a healthy boundary on this issue do? Whose body is it?
If you are doing it more to meet his expectations then of course you expect a reward.
Who should you be doing it for?

The answers aren't difficult are they? It's seeing the questions in our own behaviour that's the tricky bit.

Yeah, you are a drama queen.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who was self-medicating his depression until he became sober. That's when he sought help for his depression.

As for your brother, I'm sorry he's on a feeding tube, truly I am. But at least he's ALIVE! Unlike my uncle who shot himself in the head only to be found 4 days later.

We have much more in common than you think we do. I'm being brutally honest with you because you don't need anything sugar coated. You NEED to hear the cold hard truth about your behavior.

Your therapist may not tell you this but I will, because I care. Going through bad, hard, tough, times is not an excuse for bad selfish, impulsive behavior.

Believe it or not, you have full control over how you handle things.

I am guessing that you will see some of these comments as harsh, mean, arrogant etc. Can you understand that people are trying to give you tough love because they really do want to help?

J9 has shared some insights about shared experiences. I know from snippets other people have shared on here that we are a bunch of people who have lived through hard times ourselves. I don't know the full ins and outs of everyone's lives. Why? For the simple reason that they don't dwell but simply draw on small parts at times to try to help others.

The people talking to you aren't just quoting some textbook suggestions. They aren't picking on you for the hell of it. They are drawing on the fact that they have faced and overcome their own trials and tribulations in life. Many are still doing so. We genuinely want you to find a way to do the same.

Wonder why the tough part of the love? I can only speak for my own observations, but I see you reading the advice and not coming up with a single positive change but just more and more problems. More and more justifications for why you are stuck.

If something upsets you instead of working out what you can do to change it you fall back on 'well I'm upset because I'm sensitive.' So you expect others to amend their behaviour because of your sensitivity? How about working out what you can do to deal with it?

Airing problems is great, if you do so to find solutions. Going round and round citing more problems without really looking to work at the answers isn't helping you.

I'm going to suggest yet another resource for you to consider. Try reading up on self-limiting beliefs. Here is a snippet:

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs (http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Bilzon2.html)

Don't just read it and expect everything to work out. Do some further reading of your own. Then, most importantly, work out how you can start to apply it to yourself. You can read a whole library full of self-help books and visit a hundred advice forums but unless you actually try doing some of the things suggested you won't see any change.

Find one piece of advice somewhere that makes some sense to you. Then try following it. Now. Not, 'I know I need to do that at some point.' Now.

I really hope you will come back and say you have tried something new. Even if it doesn't get the result you are hoping for, it will start to free you from repeating the same old patterns and give you a place to move forwards from.

Many times, and I speak from experience, a therapist will talk to you and ask you "how does that make you feel?"

Rather than that, sometimes it's the cold hard truth. The truth that hurts, the truth that makes you look deep inside yourself to decide if the current situation is something that is permanently acceptable or if changes should be made. Whether the changes be internal (attitude) or external (leaving the toxic environment).

Once my father admitted his depression and stopped drinking it was found that his depression was so profound that he was not only admitted to 3 different psychiatric hospitals, but also underwent electric shock therapy (EST).

The problem I see with the OP is that she and her significant other are in a transition period. One month is not but a blink of the eye in life. She also must realize that her SO (significant other) has never lived with another woman at the age of 38. Is there a reason for that? I think so. However, she has to give him time to adjust to the new living conditions. He needs to learn, over time, how to treat a live-in lover.

She also needs to realize that not all people are "affectionate." My husband, who is similar to her BF isn't, and I've had to learn to live with it and learn to embrace it for what it is.

One thing I am curious about is that she says that her boyfriend has OCD. Is this clinically diagnosed or is it a label placed on him by the OP because of his neatness tendencies?

I see a lot of self pity, "poor me" attitude here. Everyone gets some hard knocks in life. It's what you do/where you go from there that matters.

There are people on AMHD who have gone forward and become productive DESPITE (and maybe because) of what life has thrown at them.

I don't expect my husband to lie to me to make me feel better. If I ask him a question, I like an honest answer. If the jeans make my rear end look big, tell me!

I don't see sensitivity as the your main problem but the 'moodiness'.

What causes your moodiness? Hormones, bi-polar, depression, exhaustion, poor nutrition, lack of sleep, sleep disorders, perimenopause, boredom, etc... the list of possible causes goes on and on. Have you looked at other causes?

Why do you allow your 'moodiness' to control your life?

I think you are expecting your boyfriend to be more than financially stable. I think you are wanting him to be the emotionally stable influence in your life and he isn't and never has been. He has his own hang ups. He needs partner who is compromising and working with him. He needs to learn how to compromise and both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other.

You look at having separate homes or rooms as a set-back in the relationship. Why? Why is looking at the issues with a new perspective a set-back? Is it because you don't want to be alone? Is it because then he wouldn't be available to be a thorn in your side or the whipping boy for the problems you are going through? You do know what a 'whipping boy' is, don't you? A stand in for the real problem/person.

He doesn't understand depression. You had depression before you moved in with him. If he doesn't understand it now, he didn't then either, but the two of you decided it wasn't a big deal BEFORE you moved in. Why is it now?

Mourning for your brother who is alive isn't helping him or you. Expecting everyone to put their lives on hold for him isn't helping him. I can't believe that you got upset at everyone for not catering to one brother because the other brother experienced a milestone in his life. The one who graduated did not deserve to have his accomplishment overshadowed by the drama your other brother caused. So the one locked himself away from everyone else. His problem not theirs or yours. He has to learn to live in reality and he can't do that if he is treated like a 12th century manuscript.

I, personally, think you have more issues going on than either have been diagnosed or you are admitting to. Find a therapist/psychiatrist/doctor who is willing to put you under a microscope and look for deeper causes. If you don't understand why I make this suggestion read this thread as though it is a stranger's. Take your own emotions out of it. Look at where you say one thing but do another.

You said this:

Comments on J_9s post

OK -I am not going to give you a red for 1 reason only - your post was helpful.

But you did this on J's post:

HurtScorpio does not find this helpful : She stated that I should get off my pity potty for my brother's attempted suicide when he drank draino that almost killed him -he is still unable to eat food and is on a feeding tube and this was in3/2011. She said I was a spoiled rotten princess and

You gave her a red mark for whatever reason at the same time you said you weren't going to. Either you planned what you did or you acted out of anger and hurt without realizing what you were doing or saying. If you do that here, I can only wonder how often it happens with others in your life.

You two have to adjust to each other, he has to adjust to living with a person. You have issues you are expecting him to deal with and understand as well. That is a lot to ask and a lot to acclimate to after only a month.
You need help, not catering to. I'm not judging just calling things as I see them.

I came back on to edit my post but the thread has moved on and so I'm reposting. In answer to: "Well, I have been telling him to shut his mouth and then he says I am mean to him. ... Admittedly I am not easy to live with as I have been told by the 2 men who I have previous lived with and I am very moody, my moody change like the wind. I am probably as you mentioned above as well but really, should we just give up on everyone b/c every person you meet is going to have some type of problem really."


If this is an honest question, no, "we" shouldn't just give up on everyone because [please don't use text speak] every person you meet is going to have some type of problem really," BUT we SHOULD give up on people who know they have problems, refuse to change, expect "us" to deal with their problems and otherwise make "our" lives miserable.

You tell your boyfriend to shut his mouth? Never, never have I EVER said those words to a boyfriend or husband. Never. Never have those words been said to me. I'm not saying I haven't argued or bickered or whatever with boyfriends and husbands. I'm just saying I've never been in a disrespectful relationship. You tell him to shut up and you think HE should change, despite acknowledging your mood swings and personality "traits" which have made your past relationships difficult?

And I really came back to say that you could not be more off base in criticizing J9. She could teach you a lesson on survival when the going gets tough.

I see a big attitude on your part - and I see nothing that entitles you to that attitude. Nothing.

Alrighty then -anyone else like to whip me like Jesus and watch me bleed before they nail me to the cross until I die? HONESTLY - I am really afraid now to tell any of you the truth of my life because the more I tell the more I get beat down and called names, strangely, the more I open up on this forum the more salt gets added to the wound. That does not necessarily make me real comfortable. None of you know everything I have been through but I think if I tell you you will say oh, she is whiny or a drama queen or whatever. I get more assist from my cat. I feel like I am in high school. If I wanted crap thrown at me I would go back there. Not to say ALL of you are but some of you seriously need to realize not everyone deals with the same scenario in the same way. OK -ya want to know. Here goes and if you throw daggers expect karma back because I am frankly aggravated by hearing the same comments. When I was age 4, my parents decided to divorce. My mother had me when she was 18. So, she was then 22 and decided she would attend college and we moved in w/my grandparents. My older cousin came over every day to play cards and at age 5 he sexually molested me. Mom walked in and as I was trying to get away she basically said I should be ashamed of myself and not to do that again -my teen cousin was not said a word to. My mom tried to be a good mom but ignored me as an only child as she searched for a new man and went to college but tried to raise me. At age 9 she met my soon to be stepdad and they married when I was 12 and stepdad Hitler's reign began - I was verbally abused, accused of things I never did, at age 16 rebelled by wearing black and was "sent away" to bio dad for awhile who was also control freak nasty man. Mom watched stepdad hit me w/ a belt. I made A's/B's, was an introvert, but had a smart mouth and any disagreement was a swat. Accused of drinking/drugs/sex but did none-just liked boys w/long hair and that was wrong. So was the heavy music. His mom was an alcoholic and he was a "dry drunk". Left at 18 to go to college and met a guy I liked and when mom found out I had a boyfriend she physically attacked me stating I would ruin it all and that I either break it off w/him or she was not assistin w/tuition. So, I stayed w/him and we lived in a trailor forcing us together and shre cries as I move out. Meanwhile I watch this guy as time goes on drink more, do drugs and become the alcoholic/addict I marry not knowing at the time that he was Bipolar a well. Then several incidents of physical drama/breaking things on his part. Ended the marriage (lost my virginity to him) in 2009. Wanted to die and admitted myself into a hospital (long story there too w/mom not wanting stigma and physically throwing me against guiderail to prevent me from going into hospital!). Depressed since I was 16 no doubt. I have been dx w/OCD, depression, and most recent Bipolar 2 as I had 2 very professional successful jobs but now I am declining and my thoughts are becoming more odd. I do well for 3 weeks then lay in bed like a brick for 3 days wanting no contact. I become mean and hateful. Yet out of it I can be loving,kind,but yes I am VERY co dependent is the best way to say it. I have ALWAYS been even in friendships as a teen. He will not see a psychiatrist but saw mine once and she said no doubt OCD as agreed by his brother/sister in law more so "germaphobe".

PLEASE READ AS MY SECOND ANSWER:
I was unsure if I would have enough room so I wanted to explain my confusing day to get some imput please after my explanation of my dysfuntionality. We went to an amusement park. Fist event: I try to hold his hand and he says,"Oh...you are going too want me to hold your hand all day...aren't you?" My response: Shook my hand away and said,"Forget it." in my mind THINKING,"No, not my intent at all,just being a bit affectionate but God forbid I do THAT." Next incident he says to me,"You really need some sun on those legs." (my skin is pale as a ghost) and I say,"Not really b/c when all the tan people get wrinkled up like prunes and look old I willl look young and beautiful and by the way YOU are the only one who ever had a problem w/my skin tone." He looks away. Other strange oddities in the day where I felt defensive but this is what ruined the day. We went on a rollar coaster that just took me for a spin -I love them but this just terrified me. I don't know what happened but when I got off my eyes teared and I began crying like afool and tried to stop and did and then after seeing the photo we laughed and I said I needed a break. So we sat and he said," So, I guess you aren't going to go on"whatever" rollar coaster with me then (the worst in the park) and I said in that moment,"NO!" so he says," well, we might as well go home then because I am done. " I said,"Are you serious? Over one rollar coaster? You are being ridiculous." He then says," Well, that is all I really wanted to do." I said," I will go on then -you are acting like you are 15." He says then that he does not care and leads me in the opposite direction of any coasters. I then tell him again i will go on them and he says hedoes not want to so I look at a map and fing them -he seema bit more ok and we get in line. He says," You aren't going to FREAK OUT NOW ON THIS are you?" in a real nasty voice." So, I said," If your 5 year olf niece that adores you grew up anfd rode that rollar coasrer and got upset, I bet any money you would be more sympathetic to her than me." He said," WHAT would you bring that up for?" WHAT would you bring that up for?"B/C as always you have no sympathy for my feelings and are nasty but treat your family like gold." So, he says,"B/C as always you have no sympathy for my feelings and are nasty but treat your family like gold." So, I did before he blew up. He took off ahead of me and waited at the park entrance w/ a snoot on his face. I bought some things at the gift shop at somethng for him and when I showed him when we got home he says,"If this is gonna start turn around and walk out of this line and we are leaving NOW, now, now." So, I then gave him his gift which was going to be a Christmas gift and he replies,"At least you got what you wantted there." What the hell am I doing wrong? I offered w/in this on the way home to terminate the relationship and he says I want the easy way out instead of trying to just,"Well, it is nice you are thinking about Christmas already in August.". Yet, he re-argues every thing he says saying I do not get it and said ,"stop what I am doing" WOW. I know I have issues, yes I get depressed and my thoughts get weird at times but I am a highly intelligent collge educate person. I take medication and sometimes I am OK, sometimes not and sorry but I have never seen a bipolar person perfectly stable on a constant. Yes, I have a therapist and she knows my thoughts are mainly negative -we have been on that for awhile. Yes, my brother is alive but don'y you DARE EVER JUDGE ME UNTIL YOU ARE THE ONE who finds your brother unconscious on the floor barely breathing vomiting blood. His dad's uncle died of guess what -the same deadly chemical found in Draino -and he knew that. His do licked the top of an acccidentally left open draino bottle and went to the vet almost dying from it so call me what you will- drama queen-whatever. Yeah, he is alive but now the mD allows him to chew food,savor the taste and pit it in the garbage. How would you like to do that? He attempted in mARCH -it is AUGUST and I said to whomever that their advice was "Maybe you do not understand right from wrong." but if a read the whole post I said I CHANGED MY MIND and they still get the red. I don't care anymore if people like me and if it helps you I tried to gulp 15 anti anxiety meds. About 1 month ago but I didn't die -oh well -guess I wasn't DRAMATIC enough.

I'm sorry that you are finding all this so difficult, but what is it you are looking for from us right now?

I'm sorry your life has been as it is, but I still stand by my original answer to you.
You two have lots of issues you need to deal with and at this point and time you two are not compatible.
You work on you, he does not want to work on him, so leave him to himself. Staying with him does neither of you any good.

You ask "what am I doing wrong??" and I think you're in the wrong relationship. You have hundreds of stories about how insensitive your guy is, and how he's not fulfilling your needs or understanding you... so leave him.

Like homegirl said, you have a lot of personal maintenance to do and a boyfriend who doesn't support you is not helping but hurting your attempt to heal.

I'm sorry you've had a rough life, but many people have. Many people HERE have. If you want to ask for advice on an advice forum, then be ready for some outsider viewpoints. That means a couple of things: A) an outsider only knows what you disclose, B) an outsider who volunteers time for the purpose of giving advice is going to be honest, what you might call "brutally" so.

I know the people on this forum, and they care about the strangers whom they try to help. They care about you. If they seem harsh, they're trying to get you to open your eyes a little. It's called "tough love".

What you have been advised to do is leave this guy and work on yourself. Try to see situations introspectively and then retrospectively. Try to heal before you impose your issues on other people who haven't been through what you have been through.

Until you try and TAKE some advice and stop feeling sorry for yourself, then I will ask the same question QLP is asking: What do you want from us? Sympathy isn't going to do much to heal you, but action WILL.

I know I need a LOT of work on myself and I have every intention on doing that and wish that therapists were more available than 2 times a month and a psychiatrist was more "caring" that just a drug administrator who has run out of ideas so much so to ask me what I thought would be a good idea and I have been to many of them and supposedly have the best of both therapist and psychiatrist. Sometimes when you go to persons for advice and you are hurting, you vent all the negative and speak no positive. I feel now that I have to say that this man has a variety of qualities that any woman would love to have in a man. He has been in a stable job for over 19 years, has a good income, he always does what he says he will do (be home at 3:00 and he is, let's me know what he is doing and calls if late). He is not a male pig, no worries of other females or online things, he can cook , he can clean (haha-the OCD). He loves kids, has a great family, keeps good hygiene and manners for the most part (he opens the car door for me, opens a door for me to a place at a store but he does pass gas and thinks it is funny which is gross.) He has been decent enough to "celebrate" a monthly anniversary w/me via a small gift and card and dinner although he did argue once or twice he thought it was high schoolish and we were not married so that a 1 year anniversary should be sufficient. So, his constant question to me is," What am i ever going to be able to do to make you happy?" My answers have been: show me affection, hold my hand, cuddle on the couch, hug me in front of your family so they think you "love " me. That stuff. So, I guess what I am asking from anyone on the site is maybe, what do you think I could do if my choices were to stay in the relationship and try to make it work. At this point, no, I am not asking that because I am afraid to be alone because I am not. When I was married I was because I thought there was nothing else out there. I want to make sure I am giving the correct picture. I know I am making errors in this relationship and I want to know if I fix what I am doing wrong if the relationship could work. Obviously, his willingness to "change" is in "oblivion land" because the only time I see them are when I say I am leaving or when I have literally packed up everything and was almost out the door. I value his honestly not his unkindness and his need for ME to be perfect -another example of yesterday's events I forgot to add was," Why are yor pinky fingernails longer than the rest of your nails and the others are quite a bit shorter?" I told him I did not know and that is the way my nails always grew. This is NOT one question -this is one amongst -,"Why don't you wear you hair down instead of up?" granted it was over 90 degrees walking around a hot amusement park as he said my hair,"looked better that way". Frankly, I wanted to say SCREW YOU! He wore his long hair down -longer than mine and let it swoosh all over on the rides looking a frizzed up mess but did I say a word? NOPE? Why? B/C I don't like to hurt people. To the girl who said she wanted her husband to tell her that her *** looked fat in jeans? Really? Well, when he does see how you feel and come back and tell me if you still like it. I am a thin girl -w/past boyfriends who "loved my butt and boobs" so this a bit unreal. My chest is a 38C, my waist is a 30. With exercise I intend on having that waist go down/not the chest and the only reason I tell you this is because I want you to see his "viewpoint of me" may be off? I am also 5'8" tall. No, you are not getting my weight though. Back to what I want -I want to be w/someone who respects me, values me, comforts me, understands what I have been through. I tell him about his lack of empathy yesterday and he says, "what do you want me to do? " I said,"Nothing -just listen, do not advise." he said I have been listening but you tell me the same thing and expect constant comfortanting like a child." He once said I require the amount ofcomfort and nurturing of a baby. Eeek! I have a family that when I reach out to them, they do not return calls or texts at all and friends live a distance w/their own issues. I want and desire a fulfilling REAL emotional connection with someone and I want to know how to get it. I feel like I am being giving and told I am mean and selfish. I am not understanding of why what I feel I give is interpreted as the opposite. In "friendships" people say I am sweet, innocent, loving kind, and shy. In relationships for the first few months the same but when the reality sets in, I become hurtful, jealous,possessive, emotionally selfish, and desiring all of their attention for myself. I don't know if I have been any clearer or not but I am trying to say I would like to know if I can contribute to this in a positive way and make it work..? Please don't say I need to work on me because I know that and I will. Thanks.

I wish you could take a YEAR, of actually healing, by yourself, and depend on no one, and build your strength and confidence to a level where you are happy with yourself.

The way I see it, you have never taken time to love yourself, and find out who you are, and done what it takes to be happy within yourself. IT SHOWS, and you will realize that your intentions are great, but until they are matched by actions, you will always look for the ones closest to you to know what you need, and give it to you. The problem is they CANNOT, and you are quick to anger, and easily frustrated. Not only off your meds, you are away from the best help, and guidance that you need, and if I were your boyfriend, I would see that you got the right help.

For your part, that's the need you have to express to him, that you have to see the doctor ASAP, immediately. You have expressed the intention to work on yourself, then put those words, and INTENTIONS into positive actions.

Get busy now for yourself. No excuses, start with a local doctor, and go from there. That's the best thing you can do to help yourself. And no excuses.

Let me first say that without paragraphs your post is very hard to read. However, I did get this far...


his constant question to me is," What am i ever going to be able to do to make you happy?" My answers have been: show me affection, hold my hand, cuddle on the couch, hug me in front of your family so they think you "love " me. That stuff.

Some people just aren't the affectionate types. It may make him feel just as uncomfortable when/if he does it as it makes you when he doesn't.

You either learn to live with it or move on.

I don't doubt that he, despite his idiosyncrasies is a nice hard working guy, but that does not mean he is the guy for you.
It's like you have finally found a decent working man and you want to grab him up.
This is not the one for you.
You have enough problems to have to deal with, you don't need his nit picky criticisms of you.
Work on yourself, spend some time with yourself. In my opinion, you don't need the drama of this guy.

Hello to everyone that has helped me. PLEASE HELP ME AGAIN!! I am really struggling emotionally right now and I am trying to make a decision needed answers from unbias sources. Please answer only if you have been familiar with my previous posts of my situation. My boyfriend and I are "broke up" I guess you could say. The scenario that caused it is as follows:

I was texting his sister in law whose husband is in a band with my boyfriend to find out if she was going to see them play this Saturday. She told me she was and explained that her husband wanted her to be there. She said they argue sometimes and I told her that my boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately and I did not like certain text messages he was receiving,etc. that they as brothers sent of naked girls to each other. She told me not to worry about it as she doesn't. I told her it was different though w/her because her guy and her have been married 10 years and my boyfriend (her brother in law) told me how loyal that her husband was to her and I mentioned that before they were married my boyfriend paid for a lapdance at a bachelor party for her husband and all the guys were pressuring her husband and he was so loyal he refused and said he did not want to hurt her, would not touch her, looked away, and insisted on leaving. After I told her this she said,"So there was a stripper." I knew then I was in trouble. She then demanded via text to know and I said yes and repeated the scenario that the reason I told her is because I thought she knew and that I was trying to emphasize how loyal he was so she said she was glad he did nothing and she felt better. She told me she would not bring it up to her husband.

The next day my boyfriend gets a call from his brother who screams at him for me bringing up the bachelor party thus my boyfriend screams at me saying I was trying to start trouble in the family again and I said I was not. I then call her and she says she does not know why he was mad and I told her she needed to fix this as it was blown out of proportion. My boyfriend takes off to his mother's house and when his sister in law goes to pick up her kids he asks her who brought up the bachelor party -she said me. He asks if I was trying to start trouble and she says yes. He comes home yelling at me again so I said I wanted to get her on the phone to tell the truth.

He said if I called her there would be consequences to pay and he would call he police on me. He was as angry as I ever saw him. He said just get out now! Get out! So, I left and I am at my parents house and have been here but before I left I was so angry in a rage I called her and left a voice mail saying she was a compulsive liar, a witch who just destroyed my relationship , told her karma would get her and then called her a c#nt. I know that is awful but it all got twisted and I was so mad that my boyfriend sided with his sister in law over me. I almost in a way felt he "liked" her or something as sick as that sounds. She then texted my boyfriend saying she was going to file a PFA on me if I contacted her again.



So, now my boyfriend thinks I am obsessed w/his sister in law and I feel he is picking his family over me. He told me if we got back together his family would never view me the same. I told him I do not think he loves me and he said he does but I have created too much chaos in his family and he thinks I want him to pick his family over me -well in certain circumstances yes, he should stick up for me. So, meanwhile I am in limbo as to what to do -there is an apartment available to me and he says we have "more issues to straighten out between us and we need to sit down and talk". Meanwhile I am living in squallor at my parents home as they keep their home not clean, hardly any food, just not very nice and they are not very supportive saying "they have their own problems".

I am 36 -I don't need this immature BS -I either want to work it out or move on and he tells me "I am too tired to discuss this -do what you want -if you want to move go ahead and if you want to come back come back but if you come back and start chaos again, I will leave."

I am physically ill - I am having a hrd time making a decision due to my past bad relationships and my past in general and I know my parents are bias.I am a jealous person and I am depressed so I don't know if I am unhappy with him or me but hi lack of affection which I told him makes me unhappy he tells me he does not give because I start chaos which I also know is BS because I started no chaos befire and he did not give much affection. I like the stableness as I stated before but as HomeGirl said, maybe I am just grabbing on to the first stable guy I found?

I am not certain you are being honest with yourself about what you were wanting in the text messaging. Who brought up arguing first? It seems like a strange thing for her to bring up since you are talking about going to a concert. You seem to have been trying to enlist her help in getting her husband to stop sending/sharing pictures of naked females and when she didn't jump to your side, you tried to convince her why she should. Isn't that trying to start something? Maybe not what ended up occurring, but something.

Having read your posts here and how easily you seem to get upset when you think people 'against' what you want, I won't say that they don't have a basis for their perception of you starting things.

I think you need to take this time to get in touch with your therapist, etc. and make certain your treatment plan is working or if it needs to be tweaked.

I think you need to live on your own for awhile and develop your coping skills. The stability you are looking for has to come from within you. You are responsible for your own actions, reactions, and thoughts. You have to learn how to find peace and calm inside you. You have to learn how to let the drama go and encourage stability in your life.

Are you familiar with the Desiderata? It is a poem about finding peace in yourself.

Desiderata - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata#Full_text)

I think you need to stay on your own.
You don't need to go back there. Family drama is not good.
I don't understand why what was said caused so much mess but I guess some people thrive on that kind of thing.

At any rate, don't go back. That situation is never going to work. Move out on your own, work on yourself, become comfortable with yourself.

To CAT thank you for the Desiderata referance and yes, I believe I actually received it in a card from someone before but reading it again was refreshing. I did contact my therapisy over the weekend but was not able to speak with her as my phone went dead on me but luckily and thankfully we have a session on Monday scheduled which I desperately need. I thought I was not doing anything wrong at the time of my text to the sister in law and yes it did initially begin with a question to see if she was attending the concert. She said how her life was stressful and her spouse would "kill" her if she did not attend. My response was that my boyfriend would probably not care if I attended as I am around so much. I honestly do not remember who brought up arguing. It mat have been me or her. All I know is that I did bring up that I did not like the nudie texts and she said it did not bother her. I went on to say "It was different with them though ... " and maybe I should have just said they have a great relationship but yes, I used the strip club example. I HONESTLY meant no harm at all -I was TRYING to say he was loyal as a dog especially when I said at a wedding we went to that he said even if she died he would not remarry as you only marry once. Her gratification with my response lead me to believe she was happy.

Yes, now I realize I should have never even went there BUT after the first "tragic event" I created with my accusations toward her I was attempting to create a said bond/friendship/connection with her and it got twisted, tangled, and basically ruined. I vowed to never ,ever, try to establish a connection with anyone again yet at the same time my boyfriend tells me his friends think I am so quiet I am like a clam.

Today I came down to gather some items to take back with me. He wants to have a talk saying,"there are a lot of things we need to talk about in our relationship." Meanwhile I have a landlord on hold waiting for an answer from me. He wants me to attend his show tonight. I am very scared and very worried about his family.

I know I need to keep my thoughts straight, my mouth shut, and I just want peace and relaxation to be quite honest. I made clear last night my needs for affection would possibly assist with me not being so "in want" and "in search" of a reason why he "may not love me". His words are enough to him but not to me. Example I gave to him was living w/an alcoholic for years who TOLD me he was not drinking and would stop drinking was BS. I needed the action because words meant nothing and the same goes here -to him he says "it goes both ways -if your behavior ws logical and not off the way maybe i would be more affectionate". I am not so sure of that. I need to speak to my therapsi about what she thinks because I have always needed to be a person's #1 and this guy seems to have family as his #1 -not so sure I like that -not so sure I want to be #2 over an in law -she is not even blood she has just been in the family longer.

Now -my family (well, they have twisted thinking I think too) think he is infatuated with his sister in law and that is why he sticks up for her. I told them that is sick that they think he may "like or love" as she is married to his brother. They said sick things occur. My therapist disagrees. Any opinions on this?

Thanks and I will probably have my decision made on Monday as to whether I am staying or leaving and thanks for you help Homegirl and Cat and to anyone else who has any input. You have been much appreciated!

It has been a quite difficult time since I last posted. I realize I made a huge mistake by calling his sister inn law the "c" word and created a dramatic family situation. After speaking to my therapist today she pointed out that there is a pattern of behavior here and that I am seeing the sister in law as a threat -I was seeing her as "flirting" with my boyfriend and in my mind she was what my boyfriend desired - a short small girl with waist length dark hair. I am a tall girl with medium length dark hair. I did this in my past relationships as well, always feeling I was not what that person wanted -when the past boyfriend left me his next girlfriend was beastly looking and also obese. My ex husbands current girlfriend is also unattractive and kind of chunky -very opposite of me. So, I do not know why I do this to myself. Maybe because my boyfriend tends to notice my flaws and so I then feel he ONLY notices them.
I feel a lot of guilt, anger that the sister and law and her husband won't forgive me and have written me off which means their children, my boyfriend's favorite niece and nephew can't see him driving a wedge between us as well. I was told by my therapist and by him that it will take time to forgive but in the mean time I have been getting sick over it.

I have been looking for jobs, looking for social things to do, classes to take to occupy my thoughts. His friend is even mad at me as when we attended his concert I saw his "supposed" ex so I e-mailed his friend to ask if my boyfriend talked to her and I received a vicious e-mail from a man who has the most calm personality. He stated my boyfriend was one of the most loyal man he knew and the fact that I would even ask that shows a lack of trust,jealousy, and possessiveness on my part. I later found out that he did not speak a word to her but it hurt badly to hear those words. My boyfriend says I create all the mess and expect others to "kiss my ***" which I do not expect that. In the time I do it, it is impulsive and after I do it, it is hurtful. It is like a sick addiction. Like I need to know so badly and I push until I push so hard that someone erupts. The hurt within myself is very deep.

I guess I am probably a needy person and do ask too may questions with the expectation of answers to fulfill my need for love and yes, I know I need to love myself. I almost desire a human teddy bear. So sad, is it not. I think back to things said to me in other relationships and maybe I do function emotionally as a teenager, a child in need of attention. I know where it comes from. I never had it then! But, I don't have it really now from parents either so I search somewhere and feel very alone so I can't count the number of times I have contemplated suicide thinking who would care and if they did they would certainly get over it quick. But I will end this now. It was really just an update. I thank you all. Should you have any thoughts or word of wisdom anything is always appreciated.

I am continuing therapy once a week and seeing a psychiatrist for medication. Trying to keep my mouth shut, looking for a job and something social, and trying so hard not to be "miserable".

There is hope when you start seeing the truth about yourself. Then you can know what to change, and why you should. And you will. No doubt.

>cyber hug<

I wish you well. Keep on working on yourself.

The point at which we really start to see ourselves and understand our own issues fully can be very painful. Stick with it. Sometimes we have to reach rock bottom before we can start to cllimb up. I too wish you well on your journey.

I wanted to just check in with all of those who have helped me a great deal as I had not been on the site for quite some time. I decided to take a break from getting "too much advice" from outside parties and stick to that of my only my therapist because I became so frustrated. This is not to say that everyone here has not helped me. I have made some discoveries about myself and realizations that I did not want to hear that many of you were telling me. My therapist has told me I have numerous traits of "borderline personality disorder". If anyone is not familiar, it tends to occur (not always but mostly) with people who have had some type of early childhood dramatic event, lacking attention from one or both parent, or the absence of a parent/lack of attention creating an intense need for attention, neediness, clingyness, overdependence, and an intense fear of abandonment. They have unstable relatonships, when in a relationship and feel they are becoming close they tend to create a self fulfilling prophecy by pushing the person away before that person rejects them and if the person does leave them, they will do anything to get them back. They either love or hate a person and that feeling can change from day to day depending on if that person "does what they want". I Never in my life thought I would be dealing with this. Now I am doing everything in my power to NOT be dramatic, pull back when I see myself doing so, be more loving, less selfish. I have been reading books and following every bit of my therapist's advice who I see on a weekly basis. I do still catch myself being "needy" for attention and then look at myself and see myself being childlike and try to be less needy and accept instead of push. I am making slow but steady progress and I want to thank everyone again. I will be on the site but not as often as I need to work on myself a great deal.

HS, I am glad you came back with an update. It sounds like you are getting the help you need and I hope it continues.

Remember that you have a lot of support here if you need or want it. Honesty isn't always negative.

Continue to do what is best for you and I wish a very happy future. :)