I'm a 20 year old woman. I've been struggling with depression for a very long time, since I was 12-ish. I was abused by my family since I can remember, physically and mentally. Same things happened in middleschool, a new student joined our class who made sure the whole school hated me, so I had to deal with that stress on top of my family life. Gradually I lost all my friends in school because they were afraid if they would talk to me they would receive the same treatment as me. And it didn't end just with other students, teachers who couldn't control students just joined in the bashing thus "earning respect" in class. When I moved to a different high school I re-learned to trust and open up to people, I wasn't used to being touched by others unless I was beaten up, but I got over that. I made some very close friends only just to be stabbed in the back by them after 2 year. It all happened because one of the guys wanted to be together with me, but I explained him I was not interested and just wanted to stay friends. Other people tried to explain him the same thing, but he just ignored it. After a while he got mad at me, became very aggressive towards me and turned my friends against me, spread nasty rumors around the school. In the end I left school because it was too much stress for me and I felt I was slightly going insane. Ever since I was about 13 I had troubles sleeping. Most of the time I wouldn't be sleeping at all or if I was lucky to fall asleep I would be seeing nightmire of trains running over me, people at school getting massacred, etc.(I actually don't remember the last time I had an actual dream instead of nightmare). I also had random panic attacks during night where I would wake up at 4am scared, panicked and crying. On top of all that last summer my best friend passed away, she was the only person during middleschool and later who was with me and supported me, the only person who believed me when I said that what I was going through was hard. Even my family didn't believe me, they always told my I was overreacting.
last winter I sought help at a psychiatrist because at one point I heard a voice in my head that wasn't mine. I was hoping that she would be able to help me, she prescribed some medication but after a while I stopped taking it, because it didn't really help me. It took away some of the symptoms like anxiety and fear but the problem still stayed, I didn't feel any better overall. The talking sessions also didn't do me any good, if nothing else, they made me feel even worse.
I could deal with all that, but... over the last year or so I have lost will to do anything. I used to LOVE painting and drawing, now I have no interest in it. I even tried to draw something today but it almost made me throw up, I found myself hating it. I used to love videogames, but now I haven't played any in months, and when I did, I had no fun, I didn't enjoy them, I was completely indifferent. I used to love play piano, but I don't do it anymore. All the things I used to like now are completely boring to me, I even find internet in itself boring, I have nothing to do when few months ago I could sit 24/7 reading, watching videos and generally having fun.
for the last 3-4 years I haven't had a goal in my life, I don't know what to do, I actually don't want to do anything it seems. Every day I lose more and more interest in life. Everything seems bland and grey, I have no enthusiasm whatsoever. I even feel like I'm losing interest in music, a lot of times I forget to turn on music when a couple of years back it was the first thing I did waking up in the morning. I am very tired, mentally and physically, I feel like I'm at a dead end. I don't know how to get out of this. More and more lately I just want to kill myself because I genuinely have nothing to live for. I don't know what to do. Help!

last winter i sought help at a psychiatrist because at one point i heard a voice in my head that wasn't mine. i was hoping that she would be able to help me, she prescribed some medication but after a while i stopped taking it, because it didn't really help me. it took away some of the symptoms like anxiety and fear but the problem still stayed, i didn't feel any better overall. the talking sessions also didn't do me any good, if nothing else, they made me feel even worse.
I'm here for you and want to help.

Let's give the counseling another try. It sounds like the meds DID help you, but since they didn't take away all your symptoms, you stopped taking them. Do you remember how long you took them and what you took? Some meds take as long as six weeks to kick in and really start helping you make some progress.

And the talking sessions SHOULD make you feel worse, at least for a little while. After all, you are digging up all sorts of stuff that you'd rather keep buried. Finally they are being exposed to sunlight and fresh air and are getting dealt with. You have to have patience with the "talking cure." Just venting alone must have made you feel better, didn't it?

So how about calling that psychiatrist again? That way you don't have to start over totally. I'll be here and rooting for you.

I was struck by your phrase "...everything seems bland and grey". I had the same feeling when I was 20. Looking back, I think it may have been a kind of transition from one stage of life to another. Anyway, it passed - almost without my knowing it.

Wondergirl is an excellent person to discuss these things with. I'll be rooting for you, too.

Ok... First off Let me tell you I've been there and felt like that, I'm sure we all have one point or another. I think everyonne is right. Go back to your psychrist. Or go see a psychologist. She is right- When you talk about the bad stuff that's happened in your life it makes you feel worse because you held it in for so long. But trust me in a couple of months after you let it ALL out you will feel a ton off you. I've been there. Also I know that you lost interest in everything that you used TO LIKE!! So go find some NEW things! Doesn't hurt to try! Get out of the house! They say exercising is the best thing for depression and for different moods and stuff. I don't mean to go out and do jumping jacks or anything... just a walk like a couple of blocks of something. I hope this helps:)

The thing is, she never made me talk about those things. All our sessions were just pointless chatter. Every time she came close to something that made me very emotional she quickly switched subjects. All we talked about was - what did you do last week? So by worse I meant as in I pay lots of money for pointless chatter, that even a specialist can't or doesn't want to help, I don't know...
I took the meds for about 3-4months before stopping and the ones I was prescribed with were ciral, xanax and truxal. One part of the reason why I didn't want to take them was because of the bad experience with anti-depressants I had before. I was prescribed to take them also when I was 14ish, I don't remember the brand, but they gave me instructions where I had to heavily overdose them which left me in a drugged euphoria. I hated that feeling so much, I was afraid I might experience the same thing since my psychiatrist was telling me to take in more meds if they didn't help me. So I stopped altogether, because I didn't want to up the dosage but neither did I want to pay money for meds that did not help me.

the thing is, she never made me talk about those things. all our sessions were just pointless chatter.
Then you, as the consumer, must hold up your hand and say, "Stop! This is pointless chatter. I am paying a great deal of money and expecting you to help me get my life back on track."

It's time to find a new therapist. Look for someone at a master's level, either a social worker or counselor who has a good reputation and is experienced. A psychiatrist will want to prescribe meds; a master's level counselor will not, cannot, prescribe. That kind of therapist is trained to guide the sessions (but not monopolize them or chat about trite things) so that you will set short- and long-term goals and then be accountable to the therapist for meeting those goals. If the counselor thinks you need meds, he/she will thoroughly discuss it with you, taking into account what worked in the past (if anything) and your reluctance to take them.

Usually the counselor has a professional connection with a family doctor or psychiatrist who will prescribe, if you agree you will try a certain med. Also, there are other therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), that might be useful in your situation. CBT, for instance, targets a certain behavior or problem, focuses on it, and teaches you ways to work around it or deal with it. One of my clients had OCD and couldn't/wouldn't wash dishes. Dirty dishes covered the countertop, stovetop, and table. She had no clean dishes left and was using paper plates and plastic tableware taken from fast-food restaurants. CBT techniques helped her learn how to wash the dishes, dry them, and put them away.

Be a smart consumer. Stick up for yourself after you educate yourself about the different kinds of therapies (there are many!), meds, side effects, etc. Your local public library is a treasure trove of information! Ask at the reference desk if you need help finding something.

the thing is, she never made me talk about those things. all our sessions were just pointless chatter. every time she came close to something that made me very emotional she quickly switched subjects. all we talked about was - what did you do last week? so by worse i meant as in i pay lots of money for pointless chatter, that even a specialist can't or doesn't want to help, idk...
i took the meds for about 3-4months before stopping and the ones i was prescribed with were ciral, xanax and truxal. one part of the reason why i didn't want to take them was because of the bad experience with anti-depressants i had before. i was prescribed to take them also when i was 14ish, i don't remember the brand, but they gave me instructions where i had to heavily overdose them which left me in a drugged euphoria. i hated that feeling so much, i was afraid i might experience the same thing since my psychiatrist was telling me to take in more meds if they didn't help me. so i stopped altogether, because i didn't want to up the dosage but neither did i want to pay money for meds that did not help me.

Your experience with antidepressants (AD) is common fare, unfortunately. It is well known in the treatment community that ADs are only as effective as the doctor prescribing them. ADs are not magic pills that cure depression. Rather, they alleviate specific symptoms and the attending Dr must be able to recognize those symptoms, correlate them with the pharmacodynamics of the particular AD. Consequently, ADs can be used with some short-term and limited success but just as often can be counterproductive.

You should understand that failure to respond to an AD treatment plan does not necessarily point to the severity of your condition.

The same holds true for the talk therapies. Wondergirl has done a good job of addressing that.

Unfortunately, it too often occurs that an individual begins to feel their condition is hopeless. They generalize that doctors can't help, drugs can't help and therapists are inane and ineffective. Actually there are effective therapies available to you. But it is a vast marketplace sorely lacking in uniformity. Once again, as Wondergirl has noted, you are the final judge. If it's not working... move on. But don't make the mistake of thinking that it somehow your fault, or that your condition is hopeless.

I also like Wondergirl's idea of CBT. Quick and directive.

ADDED: Simon Sobo, MD (http://simonsobo.com/a-reevaluation-of-the-relationship-between-psychiatric-diagnosis-and-chemical-imbalances)has an excellent critique of the use of antidepressants in clinical practice that all therapists should read. It's a bit long but provides a seldom acknowledged and well balanced insight into the subtleties of pharmacotherapy if not psychiatry at large.