I dated this guy for almost 8 months and it seemed like everything was perfect. We loved doing the same things. He asked me to move things in so I could stay over more and said on multiple occasions that he wanted to marry me. He even mentioned it to a colleague. I got upset one week because I really wanted to see him and he decided to hang out with the guys that evening... even though he was going to be with the guys Thursday. I was going to give him the next week to have alone time or guy time but he didn't want that and wanted to hang out on that Friday. That Thursday he responded to a text of mine saying "I love you". Then that Friday he broke up with me. He said I got upset 3 times within the 8 months and that he didn't want to lose his friends that we hung out with all the time. I asked him to give me another chance he said he did before when he said he wanted alone time and guy time. First time he mentioned it the week before and he had also said he was happy with me and it was nothing bad. He told me "it would be best for us right now" and he still wanted to be friends. He then told a good friend of his I was too controlling and that is why we broke up. It has been 1 1/2 months and he has not talked to me. He unfriended me on Facebook a month after the break up We knew each other 3 years before this. What was the real reason for the break up and will he come back?

I think perhaps what he said is true, the one line that stands out from your post is ' I was going to give him time the next week', you don't get to decide when he spends time with his friends or have alone time, why didn't you hang out with your friends? What was so important that you needed him that night?

There's a lesson here, and it's a good one, each person in a relationship is an individual with needs and wants that may be different then yours, planning a date night that is just your time together might have been an idea, in the time between is work time, me time, friends time,getting on with life time!

You can't dictate when the other person sees their friends and when they have their own time, that 'local knowledge' comes with getting to know each others needs by talking about it and fitting that into the relationship, for both of you... im giving the lesson away here, you have to figure out some of this stuff for yourself.

Its impossible to say if he will come back, but, he's already deleted you from his life, chances are he's not coming back.

Take the time now to work on you and figure out your part in the break up, learn from it and move on.

About saying I was going to give him the time I asked him if he wanted it and when he said no I said OK. I did hang out with my friends that night. I had just told him I was sad because I really wanted to see him that night because Tuesday and Thursday nights were the main nights I got to see him and I was not going to see him that Thursday because he was going out with the guys. We only had alone time when we went back to his house and went to sleep. If it was a big problem then why not talk through things with me. I did not mind him spending time with friends. I just wanted some notice... not for him to wait until the morning of and tell me after I asked what we were going to do for dinner. He told me that Wednesday he said I could come over after work and so when I called him after he said no. He didn't like planning things so we did not have a set date night. I would have liked that.

He just earlier that week everything was perfect. I did not know he was going to break up with me until he did. It was very out of the blue.

if you browse the site you'll see many threads saying excatly what you have just said, it came out of the blue, most breakups have been thought about about one person, small niggles here and there, then the other person says something random and that's the justification for ending it.

he was very quick to unfriend you and delete you.

even though in your mind you were reasonable, for him, he may have seen it as controlling, he didn't talk about it, he dealt with it by ending the relationship.

breakups suck and they hurt and you can be left wondering what the hell just happened! but it is what it is, you have to let it sink in that its over, and start healing, that's how you move forward.

you'll only torment yourself wondering why and the what if's, chaulk this up to experience and it's a good learning experience, you now know more about relationships and you can use that information in the future.

I guess I saw it out of the blue because not even a month before he was talking about marriage. I did not see myself as controlling because most of the time we did what he wanted to. In just the week before we went out with a friend to a baseball game because he wanted to, the Saturday before we did what he wanted, then the Sunday before I had wanted to do stuff but he didn't want to so we went to go see the movie that he wanted to see. One of the times I had gotten upset I appologized after and said I should not have gotten upset and told him that he should go but he decided not to and said he wouldn't use it against me.

About the undfriending I do not get why he waited a month to do it? Also, why not try to talk to me and fix it?

He also waited more time after unfriending me to untag the pictures of us. Why do that if he is over me?

Your asking questions no one but he can answer for you, and I would strongly you don't ask him.

At the end of the day he broke it off, he wanted out, words don't mean much unless there backed up by actions, and from what your saying he did what he wanted to do with no compromise.

Time to start getting over this and moving on, the sooner you can stop disecting the break up and sooner you will start healing.

You strongly advice doing what?

I was saying the answers your looking for as to why he behaved the way he did, only he can answer, I strongly advise against asking him or making contact to find out those answers.

I do not plan on contacting him about that. I still hope at some point he will contact me.

Break ups suck, but you have to accept them, and most times it just didn't work because one of you didn't feel like trying any more. HIM!

I hope you can move beyond this deep disappointment.

You think he didn't want to work or was I too controlling?

Both it seems.

I guess I do not understand how I was. We mainly did what he wanted. If he asked me what I wanted to do I said it didn't matter. All the times he wanted to hang out with the guys he did. I never stopped him. Even that Sunday I had said sorry and that he should go but he chose not to. I just let him know I was sad and that I had wanted to see him. I never stopped him from doing anything.

Don't feel so down, and guilty. Just because he saw it that way, doesn't mean you were, and that's only HIS opinion.maybe he was overly sensitive. Maybe you were more interested in him, than he was with you.

I think I have been dumped more times than I care to imagine and, know for a fact the quicker you get back to doing your own thing without him, the quicker it gets better. Your are probably still in shock, and that's okay, as it will pass, as do all things, bad feelings included, and you get back in the swing of things, making new memories, through new adventures, activities, friends, and family.

Takes time is all, and you have plenty. Just be good to yourself.

He wanted to marry me... then not even a month later he tells me that he loves me and then the next he break ups with me? Kind of hard to not feel like I ruined it. We had plans for this summer... he was going to work with me and he was all excited.

Sucks when it doesn't work. Vent away, we all understand, some of us only to well.

There are always alarm bells going off in my head when I hear 'everything was perfect in our relationship', then suddenly it's a breakup.

Going from 'perfection' to a breakup, most certainly has some between times that were NOT perfect. And over time, added up to the demise of the relationship.

Those imperfect times, were not just disagreements over who has decided to spend time with other people, or activities. While a couple in a committed relationship plan their time around eachother's individual interests, friends, family obligations etc. what develops is independence within a relationship.

That is that solid, comfortable place, where you put your partners needs above your own, and realize that you do not own anybody's time, and that that person is not obligated to give up their personal space, activities, friends, etc. Any part of that that you try to change, or force to change about a person, is controlling behaviour.

IF however, the balance in the relationship becomes such that he spends ALL his time with his beer buddies, or at the strip club, bar, race track or his mother's house, means that his obligation to you and your relationship with him, is taking a backseat. In that regard, your basic needs in the relationship are not being met.

While this may not seem like you were a controlling person to him, dig a little deeper and find out where your comfort level was with him, and whether you demanded more of his time than was reasonable or should have been expected, or whether there was truly compromise in eachothers' freedoms, outside just the two of you.

You can justify your behaviour all you like, but until you figure out why the cause of the breakup was seen as you being too controlling- even figuring that out might give you some insight into what type of person he was.

Perhaps he was never as solid a partner as you thought. His 'reason' for the breakup blaming you for being so controlling may have meant he didn't want to have to stop doing whatever he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. In which case, figure out why he was not the man for you, and perhaps learn a lesson that will take you a longer way in the next relationship.

He never mentioned needing guy time before. He said a few Fridays he wanted alone time before we went out so I would go home until he called. He did not spend much time alone with his friends but we were always with his friends it seemed. If he had said he wanted to go out alone then that would be fine. He did not like scheduling hang out time with his friends. I tried talking to him about that because there were times that I worked that he could easily have planned to do something with his friends... he didn't want to do that so I said OK. He never told me I was too controlling. That is why I am confused. He told his friend that. He told me that I got upset 3 times when he wanted alone time or guy time. 1 Time in January which I do not remember. Then The Sunday before but I apologized and told him he should still go... he chose not to. Then that Tuesday because I wasn't going to see him Thursday. Monday and Wednesday we only see each other for 1 hr before we fall asleep.

Well I ran into him last night... First time in 1 1/2 months. I had not seen him since the break up.

One of the things he really liked was that we could be together and do our own thing. He would read while I watch TV. So even though we were together a lot we did out own thing. He had also asked me to move clothes in so I could stay over more. Why do that if he did not want to be around me much? I texted him letting him know I was going to stay at my place on Thursday because we were both going out with our friends but accidentally said Tuesday and he was was like "Why aren't you coming over tonight???" like it was a big deal if I did not come over. I said I was going to come and he said OK good like he wanted me to. He said I should want alone time too but I got that during the day so it did not bother me. So should I have just done what he wanted and come over when he wanted or not?? All I wanted was a night or time for us to go out and do something not lay around in the bed watching TV. Also why not talk to me about it instead of just ending the relationship?

You can beat yourself up with guilt, and questions about what happened all you want to, but the simple answer is lack of communications, and incompatibility. Most times when a partner says controlling, as he does, he often means a lack of control, and if that's what he really wanted, more control, as you say, why didn't he say so?

Of course you cannot see all the possibilities of what happened, because you are struggling to understand your own feelings that this break up has caused in you. You just want simple, easy to understand answers, so you can accept things and feel better, so you can settle down those intense feelings.

That's usually where a best girlfriend comes in, a listener, and comforter, who allows you to vent, and gives you that shoulder to cry on. Hope you have one, especially since seeing him so recently, which no doubt has stirred those already intense feelings even more.

I suspect when your emotional dust settles, you will see that you were willing to give, give, and keep giving, but he took, but couldn't tell you what else he really wanted.

He wanted a live in female who met his needs, gave him freedom whenever he wanted it, without giving too much himself. You weren't it, because you wanted quality time, and him to be available to you. INCOMPATIBLE! It happens, and all that matters is what you do about it, and instead of talking, and working it out, he chose to leave, and as hurting as that was, you will soon see, that it was for the best, because now you have a chance to do better for yourself, after this painful growing experience.

What do you mean by saying I was too controlling that he meant lack of control? I feel like there was a lack of communication for sure. I think his quality time and mine were different. I mentioned to him before that quality time for me was not coming and watching TV for a hour and falling asleep. I enjoyed that time but I also wanted time that we went out and did something and I do not know how much of that happened. We had trouble in the beginning with hanging out with friends all the time. We talked about at least 1 or 2 times a month just having an us night and we did every once in a while. I guess we did the Saturday night before.. we stayed at his place most of the night and were going to hang out with a friend but that fell through so we went and got a quick drink and I mean quick because he started to feel sick. Was I asking too much?

So I saw him on Saturday night and he did not even say hello even when I walked right past him... why not if he is over me?

Just accept he wanted it to end. Doesn't matter why, or how he acts now. Disappear from his life, and get your own together. No one knows why another human being does what they do.

My first thought after reading your post is that this guy doesn't truly into you or want to be in a serious relationship with you, no matter what he said.

You seem want to know why keeping asking questions we don't know because we are not your boyfriend. And even you know why, do you think it's going to be much difference?

If he said he broke up with you because:

1) You are too controlling
2) You are too clingy
3) You are too demanding
4) You are too whatever...

Then you will believe him and you'll try your best to fix yourself and to adapt yourself to be whatever he wants you to be so that he's not going to dump you? Do you think this will really make him change his mind? And what's it that he will do for you in return? And you want someone so much you forget your own happiness and your own need?

You have to accept this fact that you want to work on but your boyfriend wants to breakup. You can't make someone feel the same way or want the same thing. It doesn't really matter how your boyfriend's mind operates, but I really think you can find a better way out of this.

Do you really want the guy who today say "I love you", and tomorrow say "let's break up" type of person? I think you deserve better than this.

As to what you heard about his reasons, from the third party. One person telling another person that they split with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they were controlling, is an easy way to give a non-answer, and at the same time, not invite further conversation. I would say that if that was said, particularly at work, it would be the kind of quick conversation with no substance. It was, a prepared response, to avoid having to explain himself.

Which kind of makes sense if he's not the type of guy to even explain truthfully to you why he did what he did. Let's assume from what you have said that you are NOT controlling; that means that you've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out, based on an off-hand, prepared response (lie) that he apparently told a third party. But, what if he were to have told the truth. What do you think that m ight be, now.

Sounds to me like he was in over his head. He was not prepared or mature enough, or able, for whatever reason, to make a relatioship work with you (or likely anybody) at that time. Maybe you shook his world up a bit and he realized he was getting too involved, and felt 'out of the loop' with what had been his normal activities and maybe he missed his old lifestyle, and his old habits and activities.

But the only person that matters here now, is you. I have to admit that had I found myself in your circumstances with the way this all played out, I too would be looking for a reason, in order to feel that there was enough substance in the relationship that I had some substance to accept, process, and get past. i.e. fighting, drinking, infidelity, etc.

But with you, he just bolted. Some day when you have children, you will learn to be puzzled and confused a good chunk of the time. You teach your child never to run between parked cars. You drill that message through, and feel quite confident he will never do such a thing. Then out of the blue one day, he darts between parked cars and nearly gets hit. Unpredictable behaviour that you didn't see coming, and as hard as you try, you can never understand why the kid made that choice. And so it goes with any relationship, regardless of the age.

With this ex of yours, it's the same thing really. There was no obvious reason, or cause, that you can see, for what he did. He has to come up with some answer to explain himself (the kid darting would have said his ball went across the street). Maybe his reasons have no answer; or at least enough of an answer that will satisfy your need to know. Maybe too, the best he can do is say that he was not in a place personally where he was comfortable (relationship), and that is much harder to explain than simply saying you were 'too controlling'.

Even if he told you to your face that he honestly thought you were too controlling, he knows there would be some explaining to be done. He would have at least (had he had the maturity) identified and worked on problems, before he had to do an out of the blue exit, without even trying. What he did, was the easy way out.

Think of a silver lining here. For one thing, you will be more careful the next time around in really being sure you have someone who will, at the very least, be honest with you. You are also in the position of recovering from a relationship that was not good (obviously) for you. You weren't with him 10 years, or married him, had a couple of children, a mortgage and car loans only to have him bolt down the road.

Maybe its just time to accept the fact that you are hurting and ruminating over guesses as to why this man was the way he was, and why he apparently felt controlled. You will likely never have an answer that will satisfy yourself. Accept that which you cannot change, particularly ever finding reasons for what has happened.

Let him go, give yourself time to recover from this breakup, and set your standards a little higher before you invest of yourself, in a new relationship.

We already are broken up. About him not have been wanting to be with me that could be possible but we knew each other 3 years ago. He liked me then and when he found out I was single he waited for me to get over the guy and started hanging out with me so I do not know.

I understand that. I feel like the too controlling thing was an easy answer to say. I do not know if he said it at work but he told a guy he use to live with that. A lot of people say he was not ready for the relationship. I never moved fast on my side of things. We always moved at the speed he wanted. He was the one that brought up the marriage thing most of the time. I maybe said something one time. He also was the one that asked me to move stuff in and made space for me. If he was completely over me then why couldn't he have said hey the other night?

The other question is that if I did not mean much then why did I go meet his family that lives far away? If I didn't mean anything and he didn't think we would be together why do that?

I also thought he was honest with me. We talked about everything if it bothered him or me. This was the first thing he did not want to talk about. If he thought I was controlling we would have been able to work on it because obviously I was unaware or it. I would have worked on it because I would want us to both be happy. He had told me that he was happy with me. I guess he thought that him telling me he wanted more alone time and more time with the guys was his way of telling me that he thought I was controlling? He only said 1 or 2 times a month. He was going to have the guy time the Thursday the next week. When we talked about having more alone time and guy time he did not make it seem like it was a big deal or that it was a problem and bothering him. Why not?

Can you stop asking the "why" questions and accept the fact that he broke up with you already? You shouldn't come up with a lot of questions that you or us will never know for sure because it will only drive you crazy. You are obviously in the "denial" stage. I asked you before, do you think knowing why will help you win him back or make any difference? I don't want to see you suffer yourself asking questions you never know and try to figure all the details while he's out there and enjoy his life. I'm sure he wouldn't do the same thing you are doing right now. Don't suffer yourself anymore and accept the fact that it ended and he's not the one for you.

Of course during the period that things were good, everything was good. He waited for you. He took you to see his family and he did a lot of nice things. He might even promise you the world. But you know things change, and his feelings change (and that did not mean it's all your fault). It's as simply as that. That's why he's not the same person he used to be and broke up with you. There're lot of guys who promise the girls everything during the sweet period, but when they change their minds - they just dump the girls.

And if you still want to know why things change and why he changed, I can tell you it will only drive you crazy and lead you more pain. If he chose to dump you instead of communicate and work on things with you, that's what he want already. You can't change him for who he is and for what he chose to do. Please stop torturing yourself trying to figure out everything while he ended it already and didn't want the same thing as you anymore.

Why you still want someone who dumped you? Even you shared happy moments together, it's the past already.

You may now think you will never get over this. But believe me - I used to think I will die after I was dumped by my ex, and I'm still here and I'm very happpy, far more happy than those period I used to have him in my life. But that happen only when I accept the fact that it's over, focus only on moving on, and stand for myself.

ACCEPT the break up from him. Cry if you feel want to. Keep yourself busy with activities, talk to best friends, do good things for yourself and start healing from this break up. You are still young I guess. I can tell you that there're still lot of good people and better guys to meet in the future. You deserve better. You have to believe that you deserve better than this one who dumped you. Remember that.

I know. I am still young... early 20s. I know I will never really understand anything that happened. If telling me he wanted more guy time and alone time was his way of working on the problem that I did not see then he did not do such a good time with it. In a relationship you have to be able to communicate and work together to fix things... it is not always going to be a happy go lucky thing and everything works out perfectly. If someone is not willing to work then it won't work. People always tell me that if he was the right guy then we would not have anything to have to work for and I understand that but people do have arguments and you see how mature someone is by the way they respond. He obviously did not even want to try if you would even call what we had as an argument. You love the person for the good in them and their faults. I loved him for the good and even times when he got angry over little comments... otherwise I would not have been with him. I guess he does not

Yes, you're right. This latest comment of you shows that you understand some important points. Relationship that work always require the willingness of two people to make it work and you just can't make someone willing to do the same thing. If he didn't want the same thing, then you know what's the best for you to do. It's very hurt I know, but you'll get through it.

Remember, please accept things for what they actually happened, then you will learn that figuring out every details (in the past) are not necessary and not good for you. That's a good start. Come here and post more if you want support or feel bad. Stand for yourself and be strong. It's not going to be easy and usually take time until you can totally get over it. You will feel up and down and up and down again and again. Anyway, there'll be a day when you will feel nothing much and not hurt about him anymore.

I am just surprised because he seemed to be the type of person that was willing to make it work. It isn't like we fought all of the time. I remember maybe 1 major argument but it really was not that bad and it was more recent. All the other things were little stupid things that happened if he was drunk. We always talked it out except for this time. This time he did not even want to see me because he was upset. Who gets upset at their girlfriend because she got upset with you for not giving notice about going out and just being sad because she wanted to see you? I find that immature... especially if she has said sorry multiple times for that and tried to find and even asked what she could do to make you happy. I got over his little moments when he got upset with me and said it was fine and not to worry. Instead he told me "I am sorry but you should feel like crap". Not a good thing to do.

I think you are learning that not all attractions go on to be long lasting relationships, and that there is so much more to learn about the stranger you are attracted to. We are shocked and surprised that over time we find out they have some very unattractive ways about them, or they are just not that good at something's. Sometimes our styles clash, or we just want different things in different ways.

Shock, or your word surprise, makes us confused, and we don't know what to do. We don't quite understand what's happening, or why. That makes it hard to let go, especially if you have never experienced being dumped, or had a high expectation, and deep emotional investment in another person, whose feelings have changed, or they didn't share what was really on their minds.

That's why break ups suck! Whether its YOUR idea, or THEIRS. It's a wacky time, with a lot of hard to deal with feelings going through us. We just have to let time do its work, and struggle through until the shock, and surprise wears off, and we can think of what we are going to do about ourselves being hurt.

That's when healing begins, when you accept what has happened, you have a strategy to get healthy again, and you start working your plan.

Its work, and takes time, and it sucks.

When you think about good moments, you feel sad, you cry and you want him back. And when you think about bad moments, you blame him and point out how bad he treated you or what a bad person he is. That's a normal thing that happen in almost everyone's mind after being dumped by their ex. Dumpees have to go through all the common process of shock, sad, try to get ex back, angry, indifference, sad, angry,. back and forth up until they be able to really move on.

Those who can do it fast and finally feel like a winner are those who stand and fight for themselves. Instead of just sit there and whining over the loss of love, they go for NC (no contact), they focus on themselves, they keep themselves busy, they divert energy and mind on some other positive things.

Thinking of him, either in the good way or in the bad way, is normal. But you have to realize when it's too much or turn to obsession, you should do something else such as cleaning your house, talk to friends, or go out with family.

IT'S OVER already. The good thing between you and him is now IN THE PAST. Also, the bad thing between you and him is now IN THE PAST. There's nothing you can do to take back on what he used to do to you or what you used to do to him, as again they were all IN THE PAST. Don't spend too much time trapping in your own repetitive thoughts. In the long run, keep blaming him or blaming yourself, even if it's true in some aspects, are not going to help you.

Focus on present, focus on yourself, realized that it's over and you can't take back what had happened, focus on trying your best and take it day by day to move on.

Well his friend told me he said never again I guess about dating me. Closure I guess

It sounds like you were and still are being a tad clingy. Don't degrade yourself and do yourself a favor - move on. If he was being honest about all the wonderful things he said about you, he'll come back, missing your absence. But he feels better off being free and solo, you won't cross his mind as much as he crosses yours, and that's not fair is it? So for now, my advice is get out there and have some fun of your own. Focus on you, chill with the ladies, it's all about you right now. Cheer up!