I met my "first love" when I was 12. We were in school together, and he was that guy that you got up everyday and made sure you looked great before walking out of the door just in case you passed him in the halls. He brought out such immaturity in me (even for a 12 year old) that he must have thought I was nuts. I'm pretty sure I even threw rocks at him once. :) Fast forward a few years, my family moved away. For a while I would go back to visit every few months, staying with friends (who were mutual) for a couple of weeks here and there and we ended up getting closer. We were now 14, and he ended up being my first kiss, my first love, my first.. well, everything. You know. While we were young, he was the most important thing in the world to me, and the center of happiness in my very not happy childhood. I loved him so much.

When I was 16, we were still together. I was still living across the country from him, but, we made it work. He called me one day though, needing to tell me something. He'd kissed a friend of ours. It "just happened" and he was "so sorry" and I was "NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN"... Which, that's how 16 year olds fight. I got over it in two weeks, but by that time, his family had moved. Start the 10 years of searching for him.

I tried everything. I WROTE OPRAH. I got a boy who was in love with me (I'm not proud of this) who's dad had a lot of money to hire an investigator. I googled, yahooed, myspaced, you name it. I could not find him, I thought something must have happened to him. And then one day, after TEN years of searching my phone rang with a "303" area code which I'd ONLY known because of how long I'd been looking for him. I picked up, he said hello, I dropped the phone.

For a year we talked daily. I was happier than I'd ever been. I had back the man who I'd told people when I was a kid writing his name on my notebooks that "If I was married to Prince William and he came back armless, legless and living under a bridge it'd be the quickest divorce in royal history". Granted, he was still across the country and I couldn't see him but I didn't have to WONDER what he was doing anymore. And I KNEW he was thinking of me, not just hoping. It was amazing to literally live with butterflies in your stomach. Not just sometimes, not just when a text came in, ALL THE TIME.

One day, he was supposed to fly in. I spent a week getting ready, and I can't even tell you how scared I was. He was going to think I was fat, or not like that I smoked, or whatever -- which, it really was that we'd had each other up on these pedestals for SO long that there was no humanly way that we could live up to the hype. It was like, celebrity style. He was right up there with Justin Timberlake. So, I guess this fact freaked him out a little -- and while I think he made a good excuse at the time, it was the reason that he did NOT get on the plane. I can't even tell you how livid I was. So, what does any other livid, single, hot girl (then) do? I went out drinking with my friends and decided, "I'm going to meet a NICE guy." Enter my husband.

Within a month I was pregnant. My family was pushing me to get married, but, after living through my parent's horrible marriage and divorce I wasn't quite sold. This man was a WONDERFUL man. He treated me well and I just knew (and was totally right) that he was going to be the best daddy in the world, but, we were rightfully scared. When I was 4 months pregnant, a favor my sister asked of me brought me to Denver. It was finally time to see him... And while I was scared, I wasn't nervous anymore. Probably because now he DEFINITELY wouldn't want me. I'm DEFINITELY fat, pimple covered, pukey, but hey I don't smoke!:)... He came to my hotel, we talked in the lobby for a while, he left. Simple as that.

A couple of days later, I was on my way to the airport to leave. He called and said, "WHERE ARE YOU." I said I was leaving and he said "DON'T GO THROUGH SECURITY, I'M ON MY WAY" and I reminded him that he lived about an hour away, that I was almost there and that he was going to make me miss my flight. He begged me not to go through security, and quickly hung up the phone. 30 minutes later he was running into the terminal, his car getting towed in the background. No time to park. He ran to me, and begged me to stay. He said he'd be a great father and that I knew very well that we were supposed to be together... So I kissed him. At the time, it was passion but looking back on it I know that it was me trying to make sure I was making the right choice. Looking back on it now, it's crazy how much things would have been different if we hadn't both been so insecure for no reason at all because he still wanted me all nasty and pregnant, and I wanted him so bad I could have made the biggest mistake of my life.

So, as I said, I kissed him. And then walked through security. Got on the plane. Married my husband.

It's been 3 years. My husband and I have two boys, and like I imagined he is the BEST husband and father I could ever have hoped for him to be. That's what happens when you "try a nice guy for once" I guess... But I still can't get him out of my head. I still think of him at least daily, and am always glad that he doesn't live here because I know I'd make an awful mistake. But I always have, and I always will love him. Though my husband doesn't want me to talk to him, I still do. I go through spells of feeling resentful that I didn't get to have him back when I'd waited for so long -- and then feeling thankful because if things had worked out the way I'd always wanted them to, my kids wouldn't exist which would be a complete travesty.

I'm married to my second choice, because he's best for my kids. I'll never stop being in love with my first love, and it eats me up inside.

But I guess that's what good moms do... If anyone has any tips on blocking feelings for the man you can't have, (I've tried hypnosis, therapy, and just plain will power - no bueno) I'd love to hear them.

Why block them? They are pleasant fantastic memories of the past. Your problem is you have made them a strong fantasy you now regret. Deal with the regret and disappointment that it didn't work by keeping the memories, but count the blessings of your reality.

You think its tough to deal with the one that got away? Try having 3 or 4 you wished you had made it with.

This story is quite amazing. It reminds me of mine. I didn't write it up here, as I don't want to recollect anymore:)Still, When you kissed him at the airport and went on to marry your present husband, in my opinion, you made an extremely good choice. The feelings you had for your first love were a combination of powerful pheromones, hormonal passion and if you read some scientific articles on the laws of selection, you'll see that you and that guy were probably "soul mates" in terms of compatibility and reproductive outcome. So far, all is in favour to your first love - aka obsession. Now, check this out (what I'm writing here is a painful, objective opinion that I have formed from deep experience and quite a few obsessional thoughts, myself). That guy would have squeezed the life out of you, literally! Kids, no kids, career, no career, the relationship was doomed from the start, even if it was mutual and powerful from both sides. In order to keep balance and a zen-attitude in your life you need balanced feelings and also a certain amount of rationality in you day-to-day living. We are talking about A LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT! Passions like that are meant to burn down in flames, not breed happy children.
There is also a question of you putting this guy, over time, on a pedestal. When we think about what we don't have and want, we tend to colour outside the lines heavily. He is a normal guy, with a more or less normal bowel movement, ups and downs, qualities and faults etc, pretty much like your husband or my husband:)Thinking about him constantly is your fault only. You are doing this to yourself, nobody else is to blame. You are self-indulgent and love to live a daydream and emotionally cheat on your husband, yet your husband will not suffer:), but you WILL. You are self inflicting pain and remorse into your pretty little life and instead of living it to the fullest, you are a masochist who wants to be depressed, likes to suffer and enjoys fictional-emotional torture. Honey, believe me, your feelings for this guy are fictional, as he is also a fictional character that you have built over time in your mind, and imagination. HE DOES NOT EXIST. Most of the times, these fictional characters that you and I (until recently) built, don't even remember us very well, and even if they do, think how much we have changed in time, how different we are:) can you really expect them to be - as real people - the same as the projections we have of them? We dream they adore us, we are the centre of their universes, we make beautiful music together - ALL IN A FICTIONAL NOVELLA OF OUR CHOOSING! The reality is, we are making some good music together with our husbands, who had been there for us, supported us, loved us,. hell, they will also probably bury us in the end:) I read somewhere, a couple a months ago, that "YOUR FOCUS DETERMINES YOUR REALITY" and I think it's quite true. Think about it. If you decide to buy a specific car or laptop, for the next weeks, months you see around you only those specific items, as they are the focus of your attention. The same happens with your obsessional/fictional lover:) try changing the focus!! Think of somebody else, for a change. Waste half a day thinking about your children and husband, not Pardaillan!
Best wishes to you and hope you'll make it! I know I did:)