Hi. I hope someone can help me and give me some advice. I've been married to my husband almost 11 years. We have 2 children. I want to start by saying this is not a bashing post about my husband. I love him and think he's a wonderful provider. But for as long as I can remember he's never been someone I could talk to. If I just simply ask a question and he thinks I may be accusing him of something he flies of the handle, gets defensive and starts yelling at me. This happens every other day. For example: yesterday I found out I was getting a pay raise. I was pretty happy and text him at work. Well last night before bed I asked him if he had told any of the guys he works with how much I make an hour. (he's done this before and I think it's inappropriate). He said, "I don't think so". I just said, "ok, I hope not because I don't think that's anybody's business". Now mind you.. I try to walk on egg shells daily around this man for fear he'll take something the wrong way. My mom taught me growing up that you can say anything you want to say as long as you say it the right way. I live by this! Especially around him. So anyway, he then said very loudly, "I can't believe you're f'ing wanting to fight over this!" I wasn't fighting. I asked a simple question. And it continues like this with just about any subject we're talking about. It can be as simple as the cat food. I have talked to him about this until I'm blue in the face and at the time he acts like he understands what's wrong and says he will do better. But that day never comes. I know I'm not perfect but I try so hard to keep from arguing.
He alsp has temper issues and pretty much fusses at our 10 year old daily. He also says this will change but never does.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I am still in love with him and I know he loves me but what kind of marriage is this if I can't even talk to my spouse? I'm not happy and I think I deserve to be. He's not going to change. I can't change him. I finally realized that a few years ago. I have suggested counseling and says no. I'm not financially able to be on my own. What can I do? Do I just continue to deal with this the rest of my life because a marriage is about sticking together through thick and thin? When is enough enough?
I'm sorry this post is so long. If you've made it this far thank you!

The comments about your husband's short fuse reminds me of someone I know, but he is an alcoholic who reacts the same way and walking on eggshells is a good description.

There is something going on with him mentally, it could be he has bipolar issues, it could he is a closet drinker, it could be any kind of mental issue. People just don't fly off the handle like that for no reason at all. There has to be underlying causes.

Tick

The comments about your husband's short fuse reminds me of someone I know, but he is an alcoholic who reacts the same way and walking on eggshells is a good description.

There is something going on with him mentally, it could be he has bipolar issues, it could he is a closet drinker, it could be any kind of mental issue. People just dont fly off the handle like that for no reason at all. There has to be underlying causes.

tick

We've discussed it many times and he attributes his 'attitude' to always having to listen to his mom and dad fight as he was growing up. They divorced when he was 6 months old so that's all he's ever listened to. I'm not sure if that's really the reason... sounds logical I guess. Could just be an excuse he's using. Either way, something needs to be done. I just have no clue what. Thank you for replying.

It reminds me in some ways of a teenager, who's hormones dictate their reactions in inappropriate and exaggerated ways to the simplest of things. "Would you like a piece of toast" turns into an opportunity to vent in an angry way about everything but the toast.

But, that is a temporary situation that most of us tolerate until it eventually passes.

There are many reasons for bouts of anger directed at others. Stress, fatigue, etc. But, those too one can identify the source, help with solutions, and then get back to normal, everyday communication.

For a grown man, married 11 years, with two children to raise, his reasons for behaving the way he does, have nothing to do with his parents. Indeed, if he can identify how his parents' arguing affected him, he should be much more aware of how his anger affects you and the children.

His way of communicating IS through anger, and that is a problem. If he knows he does it, and agrees to change and can't (or chooses not to), and continues to set a bad example for his children, and has you picking and choosing very carefully your words as to not upset him, the problem then becomes impossible to address, and no matter how hard you try, nothing changes.

Change has to come from him. He has to walk the walk of a responsible adult who's problems are directly affecting his own life, your life, and the lives of your children. Whatever those problems may be.

I don't know how long he has been this way, but I doubt you married a man who you thought would be running you into the ground emotionally. While you have tried to 'help' him and he has shown some understanding of his behaviour, it has not changed him, because he does not wish to take the steps to change.

Saying you will, means nothing if it isn't followed up on.

So it boils down to what you are willing to do. If you want to step this up and figure out what's bothering him, I recommend a third party- a counsellor. For him, for you, for both of you. This is a far bigger issue than arguing about the kitty litter. Without knowing why, there is nothing to work with, and nothing to change.

If he refuses counselling, you go. Gain some insight into how his behaviour is affecting you and your children, and what the long term consequences of staying together will likely be, without change. Learn what you can control, and what you can't.

Or, stay, continue as you are, and hope for the best, do nothing and keep believing that, because you love him, everything will be okay.

Sometimes love is just not enough.

It reminds me in some ways of a teenager, who's hormones dictate their reactions in inappropriate and exaggerated ways to the simplest of things. "Would you like a piece of toast" turns into an opportunity to vent in an angry way about everything but the toast.

But, that is a temporary situation that most of us tolerate until it eventually passes.

There are many reasons for bouts of anger directed at others. Stress, fatigue, etc. But, those too one can identify the source, help with solutions, and then get back to normal, everyday communication.

For a grown man, married 11 years, with two children to raise, his reasons for behaving the way he does, have nothing to do with his parents. Indeed, if he can identify how his parents' arguing affected him, he should be much more aware of how his anger affects you and the children.

His way of communicating IS through anger, and that is a problem. If he knows he does it, and agrees to change and can't (or chooses not to), and continues to set a bad example for his children, and has you picking and choosing very carefully your words as to not upset him, the problem then becomes impossible to address, and no matter how hard you try, nothing changes.

Change has to come from him. He has to walk the walk of a responsible adult who's problems are directly affecting his own life, your life, and the lives of your children. Whatever those problems may be.

I don't know how long he has been this way, but I doubt you married a man who you thought would be running you into the ground emotionally. While you have tried to 'help' him and he has shown some understanding of his behaviour, it has not changed him, because he does not wish to take the steps to change.

Saying you will, means nothing if it isn't followed up on.

So it boils down to what you are willing to do. If you want to step this up and figure out what's bothering him, I recommend a third party- a counsellor. For him, for you, for both of you. This is a far bigger issue than arguing about the kitty litter. Without knowing why, there is nothing to work with, and nothing to change.

If he refuses counselling, you go. Gain some insight into how his behaviour is affecting you and your children, and what the long term consequences of staying together will likely be, without change. Learn what you can control, and what you can't.

Or, stay, continue as you are, and hope for the best, do nothing and keep believing that, because you love him, everything will be okay.

Sometimes love is just not enough.
Thank you so much! That all makes perfect sense. I'm going to look into a counselor and ask him to go with me and if he won't then I'll go by myself.

In some cases counsellors are a great idea and work well if communication is already establiished within the family unit and differences can be worked out to a certain degree but need a push in the right direction that sticks.

In this case, I am not too sure. I think it will turn into a 'hesaid/shesaid' sort of repartee with the counsellor looking on.

I still think it sounds bipolar, and mind you bipolar issues can go undetected for a long period. They can go unnoticed in a young person and suddenly appear in adulthood triggered by say, stress, or alcohol.

Tick

In some cases counsellors are a great idea and work well if communication is already establiished within the family unit and differences can be worked out to a certain degree but need a push in the right direction that sticks.

In this case, I am not too sure. I think it will turn into a 'hesaid/shesaid' sort of repartee with the counsellor looking on.

I still think it sounds bipolar, and mind you bipolar issues can go undetected for a long period of time. They can go unnoticed in a young person and suddenly appear in adulthood triggered by say, stress, or alcohol.

tick

So what would be my next step to find out if he's bipolar?

So what would be my next step to find out if he's bipolar?

His doctor would have him tested, but it would have to be completely voluntary on his part.

Tick

His doctor would have him tested, but it would have to be completely voluntary on his part.

tick

I've been googling symptoms and signs of bipolar disorder and he doesn't fit any of that except the one where his anitdepressant doesn't help. I know he would need to see a doctor to accurately diagnose this but I seriously doubt he'll go. He'll get defensive about the whole thing if I gently bring it up somehow and say he's fine. Which will lead me back to square one. If he has some kind of disorder I will stand by him through it all. But if he's not willing to even try to get help what does that say? That he doesn't care about our marriage enough to try and save it? Do I then leave? I am so confused.