I appreciate anyone who can offer their advice or thoughts on my current situation. I will do my best to explain my situation clearly and concisely. I have been with this great girl for almost 4 years. We are both 28 years old. Our relationship was a healthy one, openly communicated and trusted each other, spent quality time together and we were happy. Of course, all relationships have their ups and downs and we had ours.


Unfortunately, she has recently requested that she have some space from the relationship. Her reasons are related to both internal and external forces. Internally, it is because in the past, I took the relationship for granted at times. Nothing crazy major, like cheating on her or lying to her, but it was mostly related to managing my priorities (friends vs her). The lowest point in the relationship is when I was supposed to pick her up from somewhere, especially because her shoe broke, and I regretfully chose to hang out with my friends. This happened a little more than half way through our relationship and I know it was a terrible, terrible mistake. After that, little things related to my priorities would crop up, but nothing as intense as the major incident I previously mentioned. This would result in a yo-yo effect with her feelings of course (things would get better, then I did something silly), causing her feelings to change. In any case, taking her for granted is the main cause for the conflict regarding my acts as a boyfriend.


Externally, she explains it is because she has many things going on that she wants to focus on (career stuff), mainly trying to start a business, and things are pretty crazy at the moment for her. She initially wanted a break twice before this one, one in September 2010 and December 2010. Each time, she took about a week off, I would then convince her to come back each time. But I could see that trying to force and convince to not take her space was hurting the relationship, as she was pulling away from me internally.


Normally, when a girl asks for space, I would usually take it as the beginning of the end, but with this particular woman, it seems to be a more unusual case (I think anyway lol). When she requested space in September, December and now, she would tell me that this did not mean that our relationship was over, that she needed some time away from the relationship to asses her situation. She in detail explained to me the reasons for this space and told me that during this time away from each other, she suggested that I grow and mature (which I have been doing and she agrees). She has stated that part of her still loves me that she doesn't want to have one foot in and one foot out, that if we were to get married; she wanted to be fully committed and not be a vegetable and a stoic wife. Another interesting point is when I agreed to giving her the space; she was happy and affectionate afterwards for being understanding and respectful of her needs, saying that it was a great sign of maturity. Before leaving her house (I agreed to let her be the one to contact me first, it has been almost 3 weeks of NC), she kept hugging and kissing me for almost 20 min! It was like I flipped a switch and my old girlfriend had came back (it was a bit difficult for her to let me go as well). One particular moment that caught my attention was when I mentioned a quote about happy couples having at least one break behind them and she seemed encouraged by those words. A final point, is that we will not be dating other people.


I also asked if she wanted me to wait for her and she said yes. (She said "Yeah, I guess so", but the impression I got from the way she said it though was she fully does want me to wait.)


I understand that a lot of people have dealt with the "I need space" line and I agree, in a lot of cases, it does mean the end. But, this girl in particular is not the "mind games" type, or the type to string people along. In fact she is the logical one in the relationship, where I am the emotional one :P.


Thank you for taking the time to read my long post.

I think that the two of you have a good thing going on. You were on a break a few times but still managed to find each other again. Furthermore, from what you told us, it doesn't seem like there was a hug blow up.

However, I don't know how many more chances this relationship has, but it still might have some spark left, especially since you don't want to let her go.

She has a point in that if the two of you want a serious relationship, you need to be able to depend on each other. It does not bold well when she's not your priority.

First off, take this time apart to make yourself a better person and a better boyfriend. Be sure to learn from your mistakes.

As for her, it's up to her if she wants to give you another shot. But there's no point giving this relationship another chance, if things don't change and fall apart again.

So make sure you're both coming back with a fresh approach so that you can eventually take the relationship to the next level, i.e. marriage.

I have doing exactly that. The initial reaction at first was to wait by the phone, but that wasn't helping me grow or mature at all. So I've basically been catching up with old friends, took up a martial art, and I've been exercising daily.

I've also been doing a lot of heavy introspection, trying to look at what I've done wrong in the past and what I can do to correct it. I have a heavy feeling that if she calls and I'm still sitting by the phone all emotional and like "omg I'm so happy you called, I missed you so much etc", I don't think I'd get very far.

There was no huge blowout either.

I'm making a big effort to make some permanent changes in my life, and the cool thing is, a part of it is to show her that I'm mature, but a HUGE part is because I personally want to better myself and mature more into a better man.

I just hope its not too late. :P

She will call you when she's ready. But you can also call her when you're ready.

But for now, it seems like you could both still use a bit of time apart.

I hope it's not too late either, but if she's ready to jump ship already, then nor matter how many changes you make to your life, it wouldn't have worked out anywhere because she would be done giving you chances.

Once you feel much stronger, I don't see why you can't contact her. After all, it's suppose to be a break and not a break up.

By the way, did you guys set a deadline on when to contact each other again? Or is it left up in the air?

Since I interrupted the break a couple of times, she says she is not sure (originally she said 2 months at the most, but its not definitive).

Our 4 year ann. Is coming up on June 20th, which would have been a month of NC. I plan to just send a small basket of flowers to her workplace with a very simple card, just to let her know I'm thinking about her.

Nothing gushy or anything like that.

You could tell her that she can take all the time she needs to think, and that you will wait. But ask her to set a clear timeframe and stick to it. Suggest telling her with open ended questions to make her talk and hear what she is actually thinking.
Basket of flowers can be sent to her workplace if that's not going to cause her any work related troubles, and is a nice idea.
Good luck.

I did just that. I just let her know that I agree that she does need the space, and that I would let her be the one to contact me, however much time she needed.

I have something to add. Does it mean anything when she is being encouraging or positive about the break. What I mean by that is, before I agreed to this break, she was saying stuff like, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "Taking this time away might help me realize how much I really love (something along those lines)", like she was trying to convince me that it didn't mean it was the end of the world? (She actually said that too).

I don't know, I'm probably over-analyzing everything (I know its not healthy, hard sometimes not too though).

It was interesting though, she said all this before I left for a week vacation. When I came back, she was pretty happy to see me, called me the night I came back at 2:00 am to see how I was etc. I'm soooo confussseed.

:)

Not everything she says is 100% directed to you. Some of the things that she says outloud is to convince herself too.

Here's another perspective, it could be that she didn't feel like she was missing you all that much and she wants to see how much she misses you while you're apart, to see how much she loves you.

Anyway, the point is, there are so many different possibilities. Just remember, actions speak louder than words. Nor matter how many things she says to you, what matters in the end is if she calls you back to get back with you.

Until then, you'll definitely be going over recent conversations with her in your head over and over. But look at it this way, nor matter how much we analyze, she's going to come up with a decision soon and it could be completely different from what she's been saying previously.

So get busy, get distracted. Don't think about it. It's like writing an exam. After you wrote the exam, you don't need to worry about what you could have or should have written. You just wait for the results.

Absolutely correct, I would go with what 'I Wish' says. Guess we are trying to analyze what she might be thinking. You sound a nice person and love her so much, and from what you say she loves you so much too. You have done what you can, gave her the time, now its not good to push her :) Please don't think this over and over, she will be back to you before you could say the word kongfu panda. From the vacation incident that you have told, it is evident that you should get yourself busy, make this time fruitful and be an awesome boyfriend when she is back.

You have convinced her twice now to come back, and yet she has left again. Just me, get a happy life without her in it, while you see if she comes back on her own.

Its never about waiting to see if she wants to come back, or not, its about living your own life, and doing for yourself, whether she comes back or not.

No flowers for an anniversary you didn't make. That's just me though, because I don't take kindly to getting dumped twice, and now a third time?? NO WAY! After 4 years, you guys should have resolved this break up, make up thing a long time ago.

Breaks,space-not healthy.

Committed couples work together to solve problems,they don't go on 'breaks'.

She's wanting out-I think you must accept that.

Go live your life,without her in it.

And forget the flowers.

Hey guys, thanks for all the responses, I have a quick update. She recently contacted me this Saturday passed, at around 7:00pm.

Take a look at our conversation.

Her: Hey How are you? <- Saturday 7:00pm

Me: Hey! I've been doing well. I've taken up Judo and regular exercise. Love it. Very disciplined martial art and very fun, great workout, I sweat like crazy. I'm going skydiving this weekend, looking forward to that and I'm also going to try and change the oil in my car on my own, see how much money I can save. But how are you? I've missed you and it's really great to hear from you! :) How was that 3-day crash course in real estate? <- Monday 2:19pm

Her: Hey <Me>, glad to hear you're getting active and loving it. :) you're going skydiving? Be careful OK? Just come back alive and uninjured. I'm good, my eye had a mishap again last week, went under the knife but I'm all better again back to work. Max passed away yesterday. I noticed him not moving yesterday morning thought he was dead but he took a breath so I wrapped him in a towel and brought him with me to work. My car was warm ate lunch with him. He was gasping for air sometimes. After work he had already passed. Buried him this morning. He live 2 full years. The real estate course was great I didn't get much sleep it was intense. Take care <- Tuesday 12:27

I understand that the ending to her last message isn't the greatest way to do it, but her workplace is a very busy one and her regular form of communication with anyone has never been that abrupt or final. As I have also previously said, she is not the type of person to lead people on and if she wanted to break up with me, she would tell me straight away.

She initiated contact after about 2 1/2 weeks since we started the break. I'm trying to take it slow and casual. I hope this is the best approach.

Oops, she said my name at the beginning of her last response.

Yes, good approach. You can / are doing your best by supporting her. Also let her know that you are worried, tell her that you are always there whenever she wanted to talk to someone about what she actually is going through. Let her know this, very important.

You have convinced her twice now to come back, and yet she has left again. Just me, get a happy life without her in it, while you see if she comes back on her own.

Its never about waiting to see if she wants to come back, or not, its about living your own life, and doing for yourself, whether she comes back or not.

No flowers for an anniversary you didn't make. Thats just me though, because I don't take kindly to getting dumped twice, and now a third time???? NO WAY! After 4 years, you guys should have resolved this break up, make up thing a long time ago.

I would advice you to read this again.

Personally I'd say-why be a doormat-sitting there waiting for crumbs to fall into your lap?

Overanalyzing every single word you get out of her?

I see nothing unusual here, sorry,-just the same break up pattern you'll find in a number of threads on this site.