Well, I never thought I would post online for a relationship advice since usually it is hard to give advice to someone you don't know, but I decided that it would be a good idea to at least hear what those with more experience have to say and maybe it will help me organize my own thoughts.

My relationship is pretty complex, so I'll just try to summarize as best as I can. When I was around 21, I started my first relationship with a woman who was over twice my age. I got to know her because I was working for her (and to some extent, still do). I know some might say this was a mistake, but she really wanted to be with me. I wasn't in love, but found her attractive, so decided to have some fun. For some time I encouraged an open relationship, but neither of us ended up dating anyone, though we were free to try and tried a few times. Then, as I got older, I became more attached and agreed to be exclusively with her since I wanted it too. We have had great times together and some bad times in the last 5+ years, when she tried to break up with me because I did some lame, immature things (for example, I used to tease her a LOT). As I have become more mature (over 25 now), I have fixed many of my issues; however, my lack of social desire remains a big issue. She always gets invited to go here and there and wants me to go with her, but I almost always refuse. As a compromise, once in a while I have agreed to attend more private parties with her, like a few friends, etc. Recently she was unable to attend another event because I didn't want to go and she didn't want to go by herself thinking that I wouldn't want that and we ended up spending the time together. She thought that it was inconsiderate of me to do that and now believes that this is never going to work out. She says she loves me, but wants to break it off. I, on the other hand, care too much about her and have always redeemed myself and gotten her back. I have never lied to her about loving her and she knows that I am not in love. Yet at the same time I have never met anyone for whom I have cared so much. As of now, my mind is in a chaos. I don't want to lose her, yet I don't know whether I should try to get her back, assuming I can at this point. Even though I don't love her, my so-so efforts to meet others have resulted in failure because I have not liked most of the women I have met. I have been with two younger girls, but I didn't even like them enough to spend any time with them other than the occasional sex, which, of course, did not compare either...

Anyway, I just don't know what to do and will likely try to get her back. My plan was to cool it off once I have to start my graduate school work in about a year, likely in another state, but always have her at least as a close friend and involved in my family, even with my future children. She wanted that too, even though it was hard for her - she understood that I am going to need a family one day. Many consider me to be very attractive, but I rarely meet any women mostly because I am busy either with work, research, or something else. And when I'm not busy, I'm usually too shy to approach that very rare woman who does catch my attention and end up meeting only those who are brave enough to approach me themselves. Nor am I the type to go to bars or clubs - I have only been to a bar maybe two times to play pool. Everyone admires me for being very intelligent and I have accomplished some of the things I wanted already, but, unfortunately, the cost has been a social handicap, even though it is improving with time.

I would love to get some perspective from those with experience/age here. I already read this (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-510410.html)and it was very interesting, especially the part where you need to be alone to achieve anything great, with which I completely agree. I am very ambitious, but when I feel I am going to lose her, my world suddenly becomes abysmally hollow, no matter how much I felt I wanted to break up with her before that. She has told me that even at times she has tried to break up with me, she can never imagine a life without me because I am such a large part of her life. Part of me thinks that she has not felt what it feels like to be without me because I have always been there for her and tried to iron out things. The other part thinks that if I let her go, I am going to be a wreck and mess up my immediate future with grad schools etc, because I really want to be with her and feel very stabile, despite her flaws. I have no idea what to do and hearing some opinions might just help me a little.

You need a proper healing young guy, and that calls for leaving her alone so you can identify and make the right changes in yourself, for yourself. After being with someone for 5 years, you virtually have the task of getting used to doing your own thing, without them, and no doubt, you have forgotten, or never explored what your thing is since it was always about two, and now its one, YOU.

That's what a proper healing is about, building a life that you enjoy, with friends, family, and activities, that make YOU happy. Read the rest of the stickies, that have great ideas and insights into how to heal properly, and learn to make good decisions for yourself based on FACTS, and not just feelings.

In this way, after a proper healing, you won't compare the past with the present, but learn the lessons you have been through for a better future. It takes time and work, and plenty of both to be sure, but it starts with being willing to let go of the past, living in the present reality, so you can build a future and be happy.

That would be a proper healing.

Thank you for your advice. Right now the pain is blinding. I tried to get her back and was able to succeed (she can't resist me when we talk in person), but it has been bumpy and I am not sure this will work. Mostly because she is set in her ways and less prone to change. It could be the age. And I can't do everything myself.

I just don't know what the solution is going to be for me. I am not very social, am pretty shy, and it is extremely rare for me to really like someone I see. I'm sort of a nerd too and right now I honestly don't think I am going to have a happy or stable life, at least for many years to come. Even though I wasn't in love, this was like family to me with a lot of stability. Now, the only stable part of my life is gone.

Given the dearth of replies, I can tell that many people probably don't even know what to say. I don't know either, except that I wish I could take a pill to make me more social when I need to and another pill to turn off the evolutionary urges when I have to. I work very hard, but sometimes I wonder what am I living for. What good are my achievements and people, including my soon to be ex, remarking about me and having very high expectations when my own life doesn't seem to have purpose. I envy the dead sometimes.

Have you considered therapy?

Sometimes it's very helpful to work through whatever issues we have.