I've been looking for a place like this for a while now, I need a place to write down my feelings, opinions and questions. I need some general help really. However, I don't want to give away too much information as I don't want it getting back tracked to me. So I'll give briefs' in as much detail as possible. If that makes sense.

I have been with my girlfriend for little over 13 months now, we are both 17, and we spent a good 3 months getting to know each other before we got together, those 3 months however she had a boyfriend in that 3 month period. Her boyfriend at the time had been with her for 3 years, on and off with a single spell lasting no longer than 5 months, then they would take a break. He used to hit her and cheat on her excessively. Then, when we met at a external high school placement we got talking and really hit it off well, 1 month after my girl split with her now ex-boyfriend we got together. It was all going really well, apart for some friends of mine that really tested us emotionally, and lets just say we don't talk anymore myself and the so called friends. Then about 3 months later, one of those friends (who she goes to college with) started getting friendly and he even admitted he really liked her, and she has since admitted she she 'kind of' liked him too. Soon enough, after realizing he couldn't have her he cleared off and started to be the complete opposite and spreading things around her college. Then, it all started to go great again.

January time at her college she started to get into a social group of a few more people, who don't get me wrong, I am more happy about her having than the last group of friends, however, a similar situation is unfolding, there is one boy (17) in particular that is taking a particular shy to her but I'll go into this in a minute. I started becoming very uncomfortable after a few recent events between the two of them, the boy and my girl. The evens included buying of gifts and shopping with each other in a particular department.. She said that said boy was in the town when they met up and she happened to be in a underwear store at the time. This was my first cause of concern, the same day be bought a £50 helmet for her to go on the back of his bike with. There was a incident where he did not have the correct license to carry my girl and there was a involvement with the police, that I was not to happy about, further frustrated by the fact we both lost brothers and I lose a uncle to motorcycling accidents. Without further digressing, I'm not the only one to raise suspicions, people within her group of friends of college that they are both involved in have raised suspicions, brought around by the fact they are very close and seem to disappear together.

This is where it gets tricky.. a few days ago, when I raised suspicions, and said that she either tones it down or I was ending it, she didn't straight deny that she won't, however, she hesitated and I hung up. I'll be honest cause that's what I'm here for, I cried for about 10 minutes before checking my phone to see if she had text. Nothing, so I called her, we talked and she was unwilling to speak about toning it down with him. It has as of last night, arose that he is clearly very interested in her, and now, after 3 months of saying she doesn't like him, she suddenly does, but puts it down to the fact that we haven't been going well for about 2 months. That tore me in two and I sat and cried the whole night, because my insecurities had been proven right.

She is doing exams this week which is making it harder for us to talk about issues because she is very grade orientated and focused, however, on Friday she will be going to his, I'm going out round town with the lads, and after her admitting that I feel rather shocking about it. We are on a break so this really isn't making anything easy.. it's not that I don't trust her, I don't trust him, and this will be a further issue if it progresses and I will give reason for that later. But as of now, what shall I do,I want to stop them being close but she seems unwilling, with the excuse "it won't be enough for you", don't get me wrong, I would love to see that back of him, however, I respect that that's not ever going to happen and that tears me apart because he makes life hard for me each day just knowing he is there.

Am i controlling?
I am apparently controlling but all I see it is is caring, but it seems she doesn't want that, when she brought up this issue this is what I said back and it's truthful and honest.


I don't doubt you, I doubt other people, that's how it has been and always will be, I don't trust people with you, for the fact they could let you down and I don't want that. I don't trust people because that's how I am, I don't trust I don't get back stabbed, it's as simple as that, and I guess I try to run that rule in you're your life so you don't get backstabbed too. That's why I guess I "monitor you" in your words that's why I like to know things. Also, I like to know things such as the, Who what when where and why because I care, now if that's too much for your own boyfriend to do, I'll stop caring anymore, I'll stop caring that your safe, I'll stop caring that I have your best interests at heart, I'll stop caring about you? If that's what you want, because that's the only reason I ask. And for the fact.. should anything ever happen to you, I know where you are to come get you and be with you asap. It's a matter of me knowing, even for myself, even if you don't care, that I know if something happens I can be there and I can say I tried my best.. I don't think it's too much to ask.

I can also be controlling on the clothes she wears, when that was put, I replied with this, again, truthful and honest.


As for me commenting on the clothes you wear, I have the right as your boyfriend to say that something is inappropriate.. the tops you've been buying recently, ask any boyfriend, that has been with their other half for over a year if they would let their girlfriend wear a see through top with only a bra. I can promise you, I'm not being controlling in that area. I remember the days you used to dress for me, you knew what I liked and you knew how to make my jaw drop and you managed it, but it seems, because it's not what everyone else finds you attractive in, it's not going to happen anymore, you completely gave up dressing for me or buying clothes that I like it seems, the whole sense of that seemed to just go as soon as you fitted in with your little group.. just because they were different, you wanted to be different too. Don't get me wrong, you look fabulous in anything, but the things that really made my jaw dropped seemed to stop coming in, and the things that made others jaw's drop came in, and nothing was based around what I thought anymore, as though I didn't matter.

Am I controlling from what you can tell from the above statements? :/ I try to care and I try to look after her, this, again, is a snippet that I put to her as to why I try to care...


I protect us, I take steps to make sure that nothing can be said about us and no one can say anything, and up to now I've been doing it pretty well cause I know that as soon as something comes up it's only a matter of time before NAME, or NAME, or NAME etc at college will make something up and it will get relayed back to me, and that's when I can step in to say, hang on that's not true because I know exactly where she was that day, exactly who she was with and exactly what she was doing. That's why I don't like you going out singly with guys, because so many people out there would love to put a end to us, and all I'm trying to do is stop them by knowing the facts. Idk if that made any sense, but I hope it did. If not then tell me.

What are your opinions on those three things, am I controlling, or am I caring, am I doing what any other boyfriend would do, if I am controlling then point out where so I can work on them please? Because this girl means the world to me and I don't want to loose her.

The worrying thing
I do have a very bad temper, and I have a punch bag in my garage to work on temper issues should I ever become aggravated, but last night after finding out she liked him I did what I had never done before and worked on the bag for 2 hours straight late into the night. I had images flowing in and I couldn't stop them. I have worked very long and hard to control my issues with anger and now I feel as though I can say that I have them completely under control, and now this person has arose the problem again and I cannot help but have thoughts when I think of him with her, or touching her.. even now as I am just writing it I am getting aggravated by it, by the thought of him. It sounds psychotic but I just wish I could end him, that's the point he has driven me to, beyond general annoyance, beyond annoying, beyond crying, beyond frustration, now he has reached the deepest part of me, and is unleashing the side of my I have tried so hard to suppress for my girl as she is scared by it :/

I'm sorry it's so long, I have just been storing it all up for so long, and I don't know where else to turn, I have tried talking to her but she says nothing will change so I don't know what to do now, it's a matter of him or me. I feel I have no other option.

I read most of this, and skimmed through some parts. (It's pretty long). From what I read, the impression (other than you think you are controlling) is that you have a relationship that was built from "her cheating on her bf" and now, she is "flirty" (whether you want to think that) with some other guy.

The bit about the other guy buying a motorcycle helmet for her. . That's odd. Helmets are expensive, it's not typical to do that unless some type of arrangement was made.

It sounds like you got into a relationship with a girl who likes to play games (that's just my opinion). And because you like her (care for her) and are a little hung up, you are thinking that you have control issues. I don't think these are control issues, so much as jealousy and confusion from your relationship.

My advice is to have a good long conversation with you GF and makes sure you two should be together. If my girlfriend hopped on a bike with another guy, relationship over.

She was in a relationship from the age of 13?

For 3 years,with a guy that hit her?

During the time you 'got to know' each other,she was still with him except for the last month?

She should have stayed single until she had healed from that break up.

She is also young and wants to have fun.

I think you have control issues-telling her what to wear, and you're trying to be in charge of her life and her time.

You're on a break,so it really doesn't matter who she sees or why.

It seems you have anger management issues that you try to work through on your own-have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

I completely missed that she was 13 when she started her first relationship. And was abused. Wow

All of that for me to conclude this: she likes someone else!!

I think you are looking wayyyy too deep into all these issues as an explanation into what transpired here. The answer seems quite obvious and, given both your ages, quite normal for her to explore.

She was with another guy, she left him for you. She was with you and is now (seemingly) transitioning to him. Little you can do about it. However, trying to pinpoint an answer looking through your life's archive is probably the absolute worst way to deal with this simple situation.

What did you expect from a female, very young and been abused? You denied her a proper healing, and because of your fears, ( Protecting her?) you have become very controlling, a form of abuse in its own right.

Now that you have played doctor, and your patient has healed sufficiently to stand on her own, she no longer needs her rescuer, and is ready to explore on her own. That's what happens when you rescue the damsel in distress, and try to build something that she isn't ready for.

She will always be grateful, but there is no love involved here, from her, or you for that matter. You have honestly expressed your concerns, now let her go and deal with your own anger, that comes from fear.

She will explore her world, whether you like it or not, and you should let go, and let her. You are to young to be telling anyone how they should be acting out of your own fears about how others will see things, or even what she may encounter because of her own actions, wants, and needs.

You wanted honesty, then let me be blunt, rescuing the fair maiden from her fate was no guarantee to a forever love, especially given your expecting her to walk a straight and narrow with you. So of course she will rebel against anything she sees as control on your part, no matter how good intentioned your motives are, or how you justify it. The fact you trust her, but not others is a lie you tell yourself, because fact is, she is going along with the attraction, and opportunity to have her fun without you. Willingly I might add.

That's why you let her go, because no matter what you try, do, or say, she will go about her business any way. Pat yourself on the back DOCTOR, your patient has recovered, but has no intention of paying the bill, nor should she. Let her go, and let her gratitude be enough, because that's all you will get any way.

You have quite enough on your plate working on you and your own personal issues without try to handle hers too! That's her responsibility, not yours. Just let go, and leave females with boyfriends alone in the future. You should not have pursued her in the first place, but youth has its own downside, and now you know the consequences of your actions, so let go now, and keep your dignity, and self respect, and work on your own fears.

Been there, done that! A very clean break is indicated, or else you are running head first into a brick wall, and that hurts more than losing a very young flawed female, that doesn't want YOU fixing her, to meet your own needs.

Any 'control', whether it be implied, suggested, enforced, or otherwise objected to by you, is control over another person. You are not entitled to decide upon what she wears, how she wears it, for what purpose she wears it, or to underlying assumptions or intentions of the one choosing what she wears; is really not your concern, or your domain.

The same thinking goes with who she chooses as friends, what she chooses her activities to be, and who she chooses to spend time with. She owes you no explanation.

The flip side of this coin is, if you do not like how she dresses, cannot accept she can have other friends, activities, and indeed possible boyfriends in addition to you, then it is YOUR choice to end the relationship. You don't need to find fault with her, in other words, to justify you being insecure about her fidelity, honest, or whether she is deserving of your definition of 'trust'.

If you are not compatible with her, for ANY reason, you, as well as her, are both free, able, and quite capable of finding a more suitable mate. She cannot change you into a person she is more comfortable with, and you cannot change her into a person you are more comfortable with.

I admire you for admitting you have a temper, and that you have an outlet for it- good for you. What I suggest is some serious soul searching to find the source of your anger, which very may be the expectations you have of other people, who are not compatible with your own. Anger over not having control, anger about your expectations not being met, anger about what and who people should do, say, or be with you- just suggestions to consider for thought.

Unless you want to repeat the mistakes with this girlfriend in more relationships yet to come, I hope you adjust your thinking a little bit, and learn how to allow for indidividuals to express themselves anyway they please. Again, it is your choice to accept, or not accept any behaviour of anybody in your life; it is just not your place to dictate it.

Jake, GREAT advice! She is who she is, he can accept it or not.

Brother whatever you write as a controlling thing.. to me its not controlling its love and care.. I just went through exactly a same situation..

Just remember

The one who loves you.. they do thing for you.. they compromise on these small little things easily for you.. only if they LOVE YOU.. sorry if they don't.. they don't give a damn to us even on a small little things..

You make a good point in "Compromise and Love", but you can go too far with "love and care" where it turns into control and obsession. In this case, both parties were young and in need of each other at the time. She drifted apart, nobodies fault, just the way it happened. (Breakup, maybe not handled correctly by her, but still)

I guess possesiveness is a part of love.. you need or required your love ones only for you.. looking around usually means looking for better options.. which pass a message that hey.. you are not it.. I am still ready to mingle.. minus the part of young age..
I agree too young to make a decision of a life long relation.. usually teenage love don't last more than a year or so..

I guess possesiveness is a part of love..

The unhealthy part.

The first mistake on both your parts was taking interest in each other while she had a boyfriend. History usually does repeat itself. Can't you see that now?

I know you love and care for her but you are both so young. It just sounds like she isn't ready to be tied in to something long term. Which to me is totally fine. I think she just should be honest and up front with you about that. I don't think you should hold that against her. If she isn't in to you then so be it. That happens.

If any one told me what to wear, well that wouldn't be pretty. I have my own mind and I can think for myself. She is a girl. We can change out styles quite often. I do think that was controlling of you.

What concerns me more if your rage issues. How you want to "end" this other guy. Really? This is a terrible sign for your future relationships. I think you should get help with your rage. Your going to find yourself in a heap of trouble if you don't. I can see using a punching bag for two hours because your hurt. But you explained it in a total different way. Almost scary to me.