IcyRalicun
May 23, 2011, 07:33 PM
I just became 18 years old some weeks ago by now. I am not a very open person with my stuffs, I do never talk with no one about what is happening to me because I feel I can not trust no one with this kind of thing I am dealing with or others. All my life I have been mistreated by people, I have been target of bullied and many bad jokes about who I am or my sexuality. When I was around seven or eight years old, I got raped by some of my cousins until eleven or twelve years old. Once I told my big sister about it, she rite away called my mother and we talked about it but nothing changed at all, my cousins stopped but they weren't punished or anything related, my family just did as anything had never happened. I have never being a spiteful person and I do not really wish them any bad for them but I didn't even have apoligize about it or anything about it.It seems as it did not matter what they did or how long. I had to go psicology for 2 years beacause I had developed some effects for it. I not pretty sure about effects but it seems as I make a perfect world in my mind, I did not care about reality anymore and I was living in the cloud.
My father just knew about 1 of the two cousins that did raped me, he just knew that one of his nephews forced me to give him oral sex but he never discovered of the other one that made me have oral sex and anal sex too.
I have been struggling with my sexuality and many things since I did realize what they have done to me. They made me felt as I did wanted but I did not, I had being searching a while and had tried to understood what happened. But I had some feelings inside me that wanted a man but at the same time a woman but I not sure about it anymore.
Around my fifteen years old, I met this guy , he was around thirty years old, he is taxi driver, I always go in taxi for school or anywhere beacause my father never have time for drive me(Btw my parents divorced around when I had six or seven years old. My dad cheated my mom and he married the one woman he cheated with my mom and now they have a little brother.) So anyway, I am very curious and I always tried to make some researched or interview about some things . The researching , it was basically do a little interview about asked random people about their sizes of shoes and a see if it was related with their height. So I asked him about it, and he was like “Ugh”, I told him I was doing a interview about sizes shoes his relations with the human height, he was like interested but he misunderstood the situation, as you may know, some people relate shoes size with men penis, so well he started talking about he was a womanzier and then he bring up the topic about his sizes, and I was a unconfortable but at the same time curios about it because my father always tried to skipped the subject and I did not knew about it at all( I did not what was self-statisfation until I was 14 years old) so the guy talked a lot of his man thing but I was already in the place I was suppos to got off, he told me to called him in any time , I don't know why but I called him . And on my way home he took a strange road and he exposes his thing, I was so scared and I he was like touch it, it doesn't bite at all, I was like not thank you but he grabbed my hand and made touch and moved it and I was scared and I was like back off dude, and when I got a home, no one was home I started cried and was my hand for 30 minutes and then got in shower for 1 hour, I felt such a crap.
Months went by I try to forget, but there was something in me told me I had to called him, I didn't wanted but I did( I know I should not called him). The he tried attempt to flirt but it didn't worked. But I called some moths after I was already 16 years old, I was going to my friend B-Day party and I called him and That night he pressure me to gave him oral sex, when I tasted that I my mouth I just wanted to drop off , and I went running out the car and I didn't call him for a year maybe and I was like having some dreams with him and I decided to call him and well I have gave him some oral sex, he had wanted to have Anal sex I refused and I scared, I don't what to do, I want to stop doing this things and I called him to tell him I don't wanted him anymore and I don't want to feel like this cause I feel wrong and I know it is but I surround by him -.-', and the best part is that he think I am the gay one, he isn't , and made nasty comments like he was to introduce me to a man friend of him that is gay and those kind of stuff.
I called him today in the evening and tried to get over with him, but before I said anything he was like “ have u ever beening raped?” I was like “What the heck” and trying to change subject and he was like there should be a explaition why are You gay, I was like OMG -.-',and he try to denied he feel something for me but I just want to stop and I don't want him more in my life. I decide to make this articule cause I can't stay quite anymore is hard dealing with this kind of stuff alone nad plus wth a Abusive father -.-', bullied and more things like this.
And the worst part of all, I discorved he his married, I didn't know this, I am not a person who hook up with married man. I just want to ripped him of my life
My father just knew about 1 of the two cousins that did raped me, he just knew that one of his nephews forced me to give him oral sex but he never discovered of the other one that made me have oral sex and anal sex too.
I have been struggling with my sexuality and many things since I did realize what they have done to me. They made me felt as I did wanted but I did not, I had being searching a while and had tried to understood what happened. But I had some feelings inside me that wanted a man but at the same time a woman but I not sure about it anymore.
Around my fifteen years old, I met this guy , he was around thirty years old, he is taxi driver, I always go in taxi for school or anywhere beacause my father never have time for drive me(Btw my parents divorced around when I had six or seven years old. My dad cheated my mom and he married the one woman he cheated with my mom and now they have a little brother.) So anyway, I am very curious and I always tried to make some researched or interview about some things . The researching , it was basically do a little interview about asked random people about their sizes of shoes and a see if it was related with their height. So I asked him about it, and he was like “Ugh”, I told him I was doing a interview about sizes shoes his relations with the human height, he was like interested but he misunderstood the situation, as you may know, some people relate shoes size with men penis, so well he started talking about he was a womanzier and then he bring up the topic about his sizes, and I was a unconfortable but at the same time curios about it because my father always tried to skipped the subject and I did not knew about it at all( I did not what was self-statisfation until I was 14 years old) so the guy talked a lot of his man thing but I was already in the place I was suppos to got off, he told me to called him in any time , I don't know why but I called him . And on my way home he took a strange road and he exposes his thing, I was so scared and I he was like touch it, it doesn't bite at all, I was like not thank you but he grabbed my hand and made touch and moved it and I was scared and I was like back off dude, and when I got a home, no one was home I started cried and was my hand for 30 minutes and then got in shower for 1 hour, I felt such a crap.
Months went by I try to forget, but there was something in me told me I had to called him, I didn't wanted but I did( I know I should not called him). The he tried attempt to flirt but it didn't worked. But I called some moths after I was already 16 years old, I was going to my friend B-Day party and I called him and That night he pressure me to gave him oral sex, when I tasted that I my mouth I just wanted to drop off , and I went running out the car and I didn't call him for a year maybe and I was like having some dreams with him and I decided to call him and well I have gave him some oral sex, he had wanted to have Anal sex I refused and I scared, I don't what to do, I want to stop doing this things and I called him to tell him I don't wanted him anymore and I don't want to feel like this cause I feel wrong and I know it is but I surround by him -.-', and the best part is that he think I am the gay one, he isn't , and made nasty comments like he was to introduce me to a man friend of him that is gay and those kind of stuff.
I called him today in the evening and tried to get over with him, but before I said anything he was like “ have u ever beening raped?” I was like “What the heck” and trying to change subject and he was like there should be a explaition why are You gay, I was like OMG -.-',and he try to denied he feel something for me but I just want to stop and I don't want him more in my life. I decide to make this articule cause I can't stay quite anymore is hard dealing with this kind of stuff alone nad plus wth a Abusive father -.-', bullied and more things like this.
And the worst part of all, I discorved he his married, I didn't know this, I am not a person who hook up with married man. I just want to ripped him of my life