Moved to it own thread for better feedback



This is the ONLY forum I've found that relates to my issues as well!

My husband and I have been married 6 months (still newelyweds) and are trying to have a baby. Unfortunately, we did not wait until marriage to have sex. While dating he would ask about my past and I would tell him even though it is not something I am proud of, and he knows this. My husband lost his virginity to me, I did not. During dating, he struggled to cope with my past and when he asked me to marry him I asked him if he still had trouble dealing with it, he said no, that it no longer bothered him.

Shortly after we for married he left for boot camp in the navy. During this hard time apart from each other he said he realized that the past never mattered because its OUR future together, and that he would never fight with me again.

Shortly after boot camp he went to training for his job (before I was able to move with him) and we were already fighting because of my past!

I have never cheated on my husband, and never would. Everything that haunts him is from before we started dating. My ex boyfriend, who I was with for 8 months, is a major problem. I feel like it was a jealously issue for a while but there is nothing to be jealous about. And the biggest problem is before we dated, we were both at the same party and a guy I knew for a long time came onto me and kissed me. We made out and that was it! My husband saw this and now it never leaves his mind! My husband has kissed girls before me and done things other than actual sex(excluding oral.) I have never been there to witness it, but does that make it any better?

We will be having a great day and all of a sudden it will POP up in his head and the rest of the day is ruined. He says hurtful things to me while he is angry because of this, and he says its because in that moment he feels like that's the way to get me back for what I did or get even. I never felt like he would feel the need to get even. He never says he regrets marrying me or anything like that but he has said before that its like these thoughts and the feelings he gets from them overcome the happiness and he feels like he just can't take it anymore.

Now I am living with the burden of knowing that I can't make my husband truly happy, and when he seems happy its fake or even forced to not make me sad. Which in all reality hurts worse.

We do not have a problem in our sex life, but sometimes I feel like it's the only thing that makes him happy. We have sex daily (sorry if its too much information... trying to have a baby lol) but sometimes I want to just be able to lay next to him without him trying to turn me on. When I talk to him and tell him this he gets mad and says fine I won't touch you ever again.

This morning we had just woke up and he was already trying, I told him I didn't want to, and he kept trying so I said fine I don't want to but I will for you. He got up and said Never mind. I asked him to please lay back down with me and he said no I don't want too. He had to go to base for a few hours and so he just changed and started to leave.

Well I asked what's wrong and he said nothing, clearly I could tell he was mad, so I asked him to promise and he said no. I always take the dog out when he leaves to walk with him, and today he wouldn't even slow down and wait for me. Then he gets in the car and says bye I love you and starts to leave. He stopped as soon as he saw me crying, but I feel like he only starts to feel bad about things when he physically sees that I am hurting from it, such as crying. When he stopped there still wasn't much to say, so I told him just to leave the way he was going to before he saw me start to cry.

We had a strong marriage and now we both feel like its weak. We both know that we will be together for the rest of our lives but we don't know how to face the problems as they come. The past that he said he was over before we git married has already been brought back up. I feel like I have to constantly be on my toes and be cautious of things I say and do because I don't want him to hurt and I hate crying.

I guess my question is, how did you all deal with this? What did and didn't help? Is there anything I can do to make my husband truly happy? How do I make my husband understand that it affects me as well?

For one, understand there will be conflicts as you go through the changes of getting in tuned to each other, and learn each others language, or ways to communicate, as well as deal with the stresses that real life puts on you. I would surely hold off on having a baby until things where better established, because trying to make a family means you can never take the chance of saying NO, so one of you is not as ready as they think, mostly you.

I think your actions are more trying to get other things you want, besides a baby, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are patient and clear about it, because some things just take time, and plenty of it.

You also must recognize that your past is what he uses as a weapon to get what he wants, a sympathetic reaction from you, or as a punishment of sorts to NOT give you what you want. At least that's what I think, and it's a big thing for you rather than him. Get past that and pay attention closer, because its not that he is sensitive, but more manipulative.

All of this is speculation, mind you, and you both can step back, and quite trying so hard to be happy, or make each other happy, because you really cannot. He as you, are responsible for your own individual happiness, and your only obligation to each other is to communicate honestly, and fight fairly. Both of which you will learn once all the drama dies down, and the experience allows you to grow together.

How old are you both? I ask because you both sound very young, and inexperienced as individuals, because there is no patience... yet. Just a competition for control, that has to be outgrown, and that takes time, if its to happen at all.


I guess my question is, how did you all deal with this?
Stay calm, be patient, and honest, is the way we dealt with each other as we progressed to better understanding through communicating, and having a lot of fun before the babies came, with friends and activities we enjoyed together. Did I say we had FUN?? Hell yes. And if trying for a baby so early stops that fun, you better quit trying so hard. Better to really take advantage of the freedom by getting to know each other much, much better. Mother nature will take care of the family thing, don't worry, because there is plenty of time for family making. Whose dumb idea is it any way to try for a family after being married for 6 freakin' months? Hellooooooo, take a honeymoon why don't you, and have some fun! (there is that word again). How old are you, and what's the rush??


What did and didn't help?
Having a great time as a fun-loving couple that did their own thing, both together, and apart with friends and family. ( why does that word fun keep popping up? )

Is there anything I can do to make my husband truly happy?
NO! Just be yourself and have fun with him, and learn to make yourself happy and share that happiness with him, as you get to know each other through the growing pains years.

How do I make my husband understand that it affects me as well?
YOU DON'T!! You can bet that he knows that already, and is wondering the same about YOU. Thing affect him as well, hence all the confusion and drama, That's a conflict all strangers have, wanting the other to understand them, and that takes listening, the other more important part of communicating.

I mean, even if he understands how things affect you, what do you expect him to do about it? If you don't express it, give him time to process it, and then figure out what to do about it, what's the point of even being married? It's that patience thing again, and patience is what you both need, more than a baby, trust me. Its no longer about how things affect just you, but you both, AND WHAT YOU DO ABOUT IT, that allows you to grow together, or grow apart.

My advice, you both need to stop being so sensitive, and stop trying so hard to be a family, and get back to be sharing and caring friends. Things happen in there own time, so don't force it, it will happen.

Just my thoughts after more than 35 years of marriage. Be good to each other. Share the good, and the bad that life throws at you. Its not always a cake walk.

I would consider counseling to help both of you gain some tools for better communication. As talaniman said, your husband is being manipulative through his words and actions (or lack there of) even if it isn't intentional.

Without realizing it, you do have a problem with your sex life. Once again, lack of communication and manipulation come into play.

The two of you have a little dance going on, and much of the time it appears his mood is what decides the tune.

I also agree with the idea of holding off on a baby for right now. While a joyous event, a pregnancy, and subsequent baby, can also be very stressful to a relationship. Yours is at a place where anymore stress is likely to cause more harm. Work at building a stronger foundation first.

He obviously thought he had dealt with your passed experiences, but of course he hasn't. Just another reason to consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help him to let it go and not use it against you.

You can try talking about things together first on your own. Find a time when you will have no interruptions. Lay some ground rules together first... no hateful comments, no interrupting, no storming off, etc.. If you need to agree on taking a break if it becomes too difficult, then set a time to revisit it to discuss further. It won't change if it keeps getting pushed under the rug, and is not dealt with.

If you come to an impasse, and are unable to make any progress, then contact a counselor. You may need to visit with more than one to find someone you both feel will provide the help you need.

The love is obviously there between you, now you need to learn how to better manage the challenges.

He is doing things to hurt you and doing it knowing it will hurt you. That is not right or fair.

You have to make it clear that you will not allow or stand for him bring up the past again. The issue with your past is all his issues, he knew it and it should mean nothing, It does not matter what you did, or who it was with before you got with him.

I would start with counseling and make it clear that such behavior will not be allowed. He is using it to fight dirty, bringing up a issue that can never be changed. But most likely more upset over other issues that he will not address

I understand where you may see that he uses it as a weapon, but I know that he does not do it trying to hurt me or even get what he wants from me. We have a lot of fun together and he says that yes he is truly happy with me. We have talked about what happened yesterday and it was simply a lack of communication which got blown out of proportion on both ends! I felt like because sex brought up arguments about my past when dating that this was the same reason we got into it yesterday morning.

We had a long talk and he did tell me that he was over the part of my past that he said he was over (with the ex.) That part of my past has only been brought up one time since he said that, and that was due to a conversation where it was completely appropriate for it. He did get angry thinking about it but he took a few deep breaths and asked to please give him a minute.. shortly after he apologized for getting angry and explained to me why he got angry.

I told him the way I felt about our sex life and he told me that he was sorry, and he understood to the fullest and said that he would not do that anymore because he does not want me to feel that way ever again. We have not fought in going on a month about the only incident he can not get past when it used to be about every week- two weeks.

My husband and I are both religious people and we pray every night about this, I feel like my prayers are being answered! I know that neither of us now need counseling, although it was something we were going to consider in the beginning. I understand it exactly from his point of view, and often I try to put myself in his shoes and tell him how I would feel if it was vise-versa. Although, I can not feel the pain that he feels I would be in the exact position he is in if it were the other way around, so I do not blame him.

Every time the past gets brought up I tell him that its something I can not change, and he understands this completely so he does not so much get mad about it anymore but he tells me it does still bother him. Yesterday, after he got home, we talked for a long time and I asked him does he feel like our marriage is still weak? He said no that everyday we share with each other we get a little bit stronger... even on our weakest days. I know that we are also building a stronger foundation daily, even when our differences get in the way. Its marriage... not dating!

My husband is a wonderful man that would do anything to make me happy! I know that being in the early stages of marriage we are still figuring out what does and does not work. I understand that it is not going to be a walk in the park, we are going to have bumps in the road and challenges that need be overcome. This is where the key of communication and trust are put to the test. We have no doubt in our mind that we have both of those things and can overcome anything together. We may need to work at some things more than others but we still have the rest of our lives together, and we will face the challenges as they come.

Thank you all for your help and advice as this helped me get a better understanding for where I needed to begin!

I've been dealing with this exact problem for well over a year. Once my daughter was born (our third), life was fantastic. She did wonders for his head; however, he still has setbacks and cannot overcome my past. We've had our ups and downs for over a year now--we've brought out the best and the worst in each other. He has been diagnosed with OCD, jealousy issues, and insecurity issues and has been under the care of a therapist (and medication) for almost a year. You cannot do this alone. I hate to sound so ominous, but this is bigger than you. The problems will go away, but only come back unless you both receive professional treatment.

Wow! Ive gone online looking for answers to the same thing,I swear,while I was reading your post foreverhopeful I thought for a minute I wrote that! Me and my husband are going the same thing,and it didn't start until he was in his schooling for the Marine Corps.Once we moved on base and were back together it died down a bit,but in the last few weeks he's been in deployment training and its started again full force. He has seemed to be obsessed with my past. And Ive been nothing but honest with him.Ive never cheated or lied to him and I never would. I think right now,him being in the desert he's letting his mind get carried away. When he gets home,I know he'll be "ok' again but only for a short time.I don't know what to do or say to get through to him that the past is just that... the past. I love him more than anything and his has given me an amazing life. But he's insecure and jealous and it just seems that whatever I say and do isn't enough to settle his mind. Since he has been gone Ive been thinking about bringing up counseling once he gets home. I just don't know what else to do. It doesn't help that he's away with a bunch of guys filling his head with crap horror stories about things that have happened to them or other Marines.But still I wish he would just trust and believe in me the way I do him.I also don't think he is being manipulative in ANY way. He is loving and caring and would not do anything of the sorts. His past relationship of 3 yrs resulted in his ex cheating on him w/ his best friend,so Im sure that doesn't help. Sorry,Im not any help,and that Im rambling,Im just glad to know that Im not the only one dealing with this type of issue. And I wish you the best.