Even though she slept with me 4 or 5 times, has a great time when we are out, whether its dinner, hiking or riding bikes - she is still on match.com all the time email chat etc.

What exactly is your question? She sounds like she has been honest with you, its your choice if you want to continue to see her or not but it seems she has made up her mind that an exclusive relationship is not what she wants.

She says I am a wonderful guy, she has a wonderful time with me every time, goes to church with me , hikes, dinners etc. -- she said she tried to have her heart in the right place - further more she says she is so very sorry she hurt me, I will never know how sad she feels - so if she does not care about me then how can she say she is so hurt ? Is she just dealing with the fear of having a relationship? Is she just a player? -- her letter follows--You do not know how bad I feel that I have hurt you and as you said tore your heart apart.
I had no intention of ever doing that.
I truly enjoyed our times we spent together.
I loved going on the hikes, going to the gym, and so many other things.
Yes we were intamate, after or time as that my heart just wasn't there. I tried to make my heart be there. That was when I just wanted to be friends and have no sex. I thought that maybe if we were friends things would grow more so then I could move towards more between us.
But after tonight I know that you can not do that, it is too hard for you to be a friend with me.
I understand and I am so sorry, you have no idea.
The only thing that I can think went wrong is my spiritually (sp?).
You are so in tune with God, much more then I am.
I don't know if I could not handle it or what.
At times I felt like a bad person because I didn't pray enough.
Just like tonight you said how bad I was because I do not go to confession.
I felt I was not a very good person for you because of how I do not pray as much as you.
I kept trying to think what would life be like with you and I could not bring you down by not being in tune with god likke you are.
I think that was my biggest fault.

Just because you guys weren't serious nor does she want a relationship with you, does not mean she doesn't care about you, she obviously cares about you and likes you but just not the way you guys hoped.

You have both tried it out and its not working for her, same as if you tried it out with someone and you just weren't feeling it and had to break their hearts, we have all had our hearts broken and we've all had to break a heart and breaking someone's heart is nothing to feel good about. Wouldn't it hurt more if she told you she never cared and doesn't care now about how this has affected you?

Let it go, its over and you can come up with as many questions as possible and lose sleep over why this has happened but it won't make a difference, I can't answer if she is a player or not but I truly don't think she is, she has been very honest with you and she IS sorry to be hurting you. What else can she do?

I guess my question is , yes I can be friends, but is this false hope? If she is honest, then how can she say she is so hurt yet say there is nothing in her heart? No feelings for me but has hurt feelings? I think also she has not quite healed from a previous relationship that ended where she got dumped back in Sept. 2010.We still see hang with each other at the gym, movies, dinners and more things are planned, yet she is online on match.com. So is there a chance for me? Am I just torturing myself? Yes she has said before that if we were friends, it could develop into more. Should I be shopping around like her? How can women be so two faced? How can they give their heart and be so in tune with emotions, feelings etc. then turn and hurt in the same way? I think a couple married for 50yr would ask 'do you have fun with each other? Then what else matters?". In that case, there is open face honesty - yes we truly have fun together, every single time, every moment. So now what?

How can women be so two faced?

To say all women are two faced is very unfair, not all women are two faced and you will never find a woman if you think we are all like this.

Its up to you and you only if you want to continue this, you should see other people too if this is what you choose, or you can choose to cut contact with her and move on. We all have a friend we have fun with every time we see them, yours just happens to be someone you have romantic feelings for. My advice.. cut contact and move on, put this down to nice shared memories and nothing more.

Well, lets say that I am resentful also -- getting intimate with a person (which is bonding at a deeper level) and then cutting out their heart and moving on (like inviting a lost puppy in your house, then next day closing the door, leaving it in the cold) . Yes we have all had heart breaks, hmmm. I can take stake in myself and say, I would rather be hurt in this life than be the person that goes around hurting others. If she is being honest, then yes she has feelings and yes she has other things that are blocking the relationship from growing. As I told her -- what counts more in life? Do you enjoy the one you are with? Do you know how hard it is to find someone you like? --- so am I so out of touch?

We will still exercise together, go out together and as I mentioned, I will be around even after she continues to search on match.com or other dating sites -- I am confident that she will not find the quality she has found in me, other wise she would have never decided at the beginning to go out with me on the second, third, 4th, 5th, 6th date.

Thank you for your thoughts. I did not mean to label all women as being 2-faced. I do see from your response that you are saying its my choice to do this, its my choice to do that, move on, its up to you etc. Isn't that the easy way out rather than face up to the truth? To sweep the real problem under the rug? Yes I know I have choices just as much as the grass is green and the sky is blue. Being honest in a relationship is tantamount, being honest in feelings and the way we treat each other is equally at the top of life. Yes, turn the other cheek again and again. There is no such thing as karma or luck, every thing is exactly the way it should be, God does not make a mistake. Love your enemies does not mean to hang with them, it means more at pray for them that they change their ways. Who is right here? Who is wrong? Its like a person who's says, lets be great friends -- yet great friends don't kick each other in the teeth - how can I turn this around - someone who hurts me so badly and then turns around and says , lets be friends? How do you explain such inconsistancy? Other than abuse.

Your very welcome :) I can completely understand you frustration, the only way I can explain it is, not everyone is compatible with each other, some people are best off as friends, some people just don't get along and some people fall in love and have the same outlook on things.

She might be the type to sweep it under the carpet but you are not and there are also lots of women out there that have the same outlook as you, she is not this person, which makes you not compatible with each other.

I truly believe if you try and be just friends you will torture yourself. You are already doing this, make your own destiny by cutting contact and leaving this were it is. Something that's meant to be, will never pass you by.

Unless and until you are in a committed relationship with this woman she has absolutely no "obligation" to give up all other social contacts and/or attempts to meet and date other people.

I guess she had casual sex with you. Perhaps she's looking to have casual, uncommitted sex with someone else and/or others.

I certainly dated people who were fun, people I had a good time with, people I did not choose to commit to. It also went the other way - I cared deeply for people who did not commit to me.

I don't see inconsistencies here. She's been honest with you. She wants to be friends. No more and no less. I don't see her being abusive. I see her as more honest than you can handle.

Well we have beat this to death. I agree it is torturous to see her shopping for other men while at the same time have such fun with me. You suggest that 'not everyone is compatable' -- well I guess I have learned one thing so far -- just because you are compatible, just because she says she has a wonderful time every time she is with me, just because she says I am a fantastic guy does not mean a damn thing, hence - the next time I hear those kinds of endearing, (and as you say honest), and generous compliments about being with me (to imply compatibility) and about the kind of person I am -- then I should learn from this situation -- don't buy into the game, women are very very good at emotions, feelings and manipulation. It is a game to her, she does not take serious other peoples life, her view is just a toy maybe, just a fling who knows. Unfortunately she certainly shows how in general women can be very cruel -- men can too I agree -- and I should not label or generalize, however I must take the lessons learned for future use. I didn't write the book on being honest and relationships - but I must admit, now I must be much more careful about what I am told.

You are generalizing. Women don't "own" this behavior.

Very possibly she does think you are a fantastic guy and has all sorts of good things to say about you, has a wonderful time with you. She just doesn't want to be committed to a relationship with you.

"Women are very good at emotions, feelings and manipulations" - ? Again, women don't own the playing field.

And if it's your decision to never accept a compliment again, well, that's your decision.

Certainly I can accept a compliment, but certainly I must take into account what's the motivation, what are the feelings and emotions behind it -- men have feelings but women are experts in this area -- they know how to read a persons feelings (womens intuition) and hence have an upper hand, unless of course men take note and do not take serious those compliments hence forcing the woman to expose her true feelings and motivations -- simply put... men should not use terms of endearment such as honey, sweeite, cutie, dear etc... -- those words only send our feelings to a level that women then take the upper hand (men are then at their control). It also pushes a mans heart to the emotional and feeling level -- hence when the hunt is not so easy for the woman, she moves on and the man is left torn apart - had he not pushed out his heart, he would then be like her -- no feelings for you.

Certainly I can accept a compliment, but certainly I must take into account what's the motivation, what are the feelings and emotions behind it -- men have feelings but women are experts in this area -- they know how to read a persons feelings (womens intuition) and hence have an upper hand, unless of course men take note and do not take serious those compliments hence forcing the woman to expose her true feelings and motivations -- simply put... men should not use terms of endearment such as honey, sweeite, cutie, dear etc... -- those words only send our feelings to a level that women then take the upper hand (men are then at their control). It also pushes a mans heart to the emotional and feeling level -- hence when the hunt is not so easy for the woman, she moves on and the man is left torn apart - had he not pushed out his heart, he would then be like her -- no feelings for you - and then if the woman sees that the man is playing in her turf at her game level she might come clean and push her heart out there, other wise we all know one thing -- the person that kicks the other under the bus can move on very easily -- the person under the buss must stay there until all skin(feelings) have been scraped away and the healing begins. The person how kicks the other under the bus has moved on and cannot hear the crying of pain,the bus is way down the road. How shameful the game is with feelings that women are such expert at.

I'm beginning to understand her concerns. You are obsessing and generalizing.

I'm out of this - I hope it works out for you.

Stop trying to figure out what is going through her head and why the things that are happening are happening to you. It will drive you insane. So you bones her a few times, it happens ALL the time, you developed feelings and she didn't. She obviously likes to have fun (hence the sex) and you were looking for something more serious. You obviously will not find it there, she doesn't want the commitment. Keep doing her if she lets you and just have a good time, if something is born on her side then cool, if not then look for the next girl who might actually want to be exclusive with you. Remember that just because you have sex with someone, it doesn't mean they have a romantic interest in you, it might just be sexual.

Good Luck,
Javi