LanaK654
May 7, 2011, 03:07 PM
My fiancé (male) and I have been together for two years (engaged for one). Over the past two months we have hit that dreaded black hole two year relationship bump; you know, the one where you are more annoyed with the other person than anything? The one where everything seems to just be one long, snappy argument after another over (in the whole scope of problems) little things?
Well, about a month and a half ago (when we started getting heavier into talking about wedding planning) he told me he was having doubts about us getting married. We talked for hours (well, I cried mainly), and he said he did not know what he wanted, he did not know what was wrong, he had no idea why he was having doubts, etc, etc. After a few hours, I basically gave him the out to leave- to be done with the relationship if he did not want. After a little more talking, he said there were issues that we needed to work on (as all couples do) and that he was sorry and that he isn't going anywhere. He made a point to tell me that there is no other girl in the world for him and that I have ruined other girls for him- they just don't compare. He told me he wants to work on things and try, and that he would wait and work on them forever with me, but that leaving me is one thing that he would never, ever do.
From then on out he becomes very fond of using the phrases, "This is my place" to tell me he can do what he wants and, "We aren't married yet" to tell me that he doesn't have to listen to me. Understandable; however, he would use them in situations when he would ask for my help (to keep him on track with work he kept procrastinating, etc), or when I would try to get him to go to sleep early instead of playing video games (because his lack of sleep was making him miserable, exhausted, and cranky). So, we have an argument another night (about 3 weeks after the last one). I leave to go home. Later, I tell him that I don't know what is wrong with him- if he is still having doubts or what, but he needs to get it together, knock off the passive aggressive-ness, and be nice.
The next day, we talk... he says he is still having doubts. He says he talked himself out of wanting to be in the relationship because we were arguing and things were not as fun and happy as they had been, etc, etc. I gave him his ring back. We talked more. He felt bad because he had stopped treating me right; he had stopped paying attention to me, had stopped being romantic, and had been very self-centered. He said that he wanted to get married (and to me), but did not know if we should, given the way he was treating me. After a few hours, he apologizes, gives me the ring back, asks me to please work on things with him, tells me he is in this for good and forever, etc. I concede.
Fast forward three weeks, and he is acting really distant over a weekend. I ask him what is wrong, and he insists (multiple times) that it is nothing. Finally, after a few days, he tells me that he is having doubts still. He tells me that there are little things that bother him about us. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants or what is wrong or anything like that... He leaves to go work out, and I leave his ring with a note. I tell him that he has broken things off and called them back on twice already, and that I cannot keep playing this game with him. I don't like games, and I will not play them in a relationship. I tell him I am NOT calling off the engagement, but that I need him to really figure things out and to give me the ring back when he is SURE- no more games. I figured that a physical symbol of certainty would get the message across to him that I am serious about no games. They have no place in a marriage.
He tells me later that night that he is upset that I left the ring. I asked him to NOT make up any meaning to it; that all I meant by the gesture was what I said, and that any other meaning assigned to it would be him making things up, entirely. He said he would try not to, but he is just not sure...
Two days later, we talk again. To make a long story short, a 6 hour conversation yields his saying that he loves me, but is not in love with me. Up until this point I was SURE it was cold feet, nothing more. After hearing that... talk about breaking someone's heart. The end product was that we broke up. I told him that when I said yes to his proposal I chose the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and that when he figured things out, he knew where to find me.
The next morning, he texts me and says he did a lot of thinking and wants to talk. Again, to sum things up, he decided he wanted to call off the engagement and go back to dating so that we could get back into a good place and fix our small issues and pick back up the things we had let slide (romance and giving one another enough space, mainly). He was amazingly excited by this, and more hopeful that I would say yes than I have ever seen him. I agreed, and we both were very excited that we had found a solution that allowed us to stay together and work things out. He made sweet promises to never let romance slip like that again, to work his *** off to make this all turn out, etc, etc.
The next day, he talks to me oddly- like we have not been together for two years, like we have just met or something. After a full day of it, I tell him to not make this awkward and weird; that we have been together for two years, and this weird stuff is not going to fly- he just needs to be normal and let us get back to being us. I had heard from some of his friends that all day he had been saying how happy he was to keep me, how I was the only girl for him, how he was praying we could fix things... his friends, not even mutual friends were being told this. So, with all of the weirdness, I sat him down to talk again. I told him that I am 100% committed to this, to him, everything. I told him that I love him, but that I need to know that he believes that we can make this work, that we have a chance before I will keep trying as well. I told him that I would do ANYTHING in the world for him, but that I deserve to be loved in a relationship, and that I could not invest myself in fixing us if he did not have faith we could succeed. He said that he did not think we could fix things right now...
We broke up, and have not talked in about 2 days much, now.
This is a total bombshell. He sounds completely crazy. Is he trying to get out, or is this just a very confused guy having cold feet. Should I leave him for good, or wait and give him space and time to sort things out... hoping that he will come back to me... You do not fall out of love over a rough patch (NO MAJOR ISSUES AT ALL, THOUGH!) of 2 months... the only thing I can think of is either 1.) he will figure things out if I let him have time/space, and he will come back, or 2.) he never really loved me to begin with (was just infatuated), and now that that is gone... he will be, too.
Please... I need advice. Not a single one of his friends or my friends know what he is doing or what is up with him; they think it is cold feet and he is just being a complete idiot, and that he will come around... I am so scared, though. I love him with all my heart (and have told him). Through all of this, I have been nothing but kind (though very sad)... please help.
Well, about a month and a half ago (when we started getting heavier into talking about wedding planning) he told me he was having doubts about us getting married. We talked for hours (well, I cried mainly), and he said he did not know what he wanted, he did not know what was wrong, he had no idea why he was having doubts, etc, etc. After a few hours, I basically gave him the out to leave- to be done with the relationship if he did not want. After a little more talking, he said there were issues that we needed to work on (as all couples do) and that he was sorry and that he isn't going anywhere. He made a point to tell me that there is no other girl in the world for him and that I have ruined other girls for him- they just don't compare. He told me he wants to work on things and try, and that he would wait and work on them forever with me, but that leaving me is one thing that he would never, ever do.
From then on out he becomes very fond of using the phrases, "This is my place" to tell me he can do what he wants and, "We aren't married yet" to tell me that he doesn't have to listen to me. Understandable; however, he would use them in situations when he would ask for my help (to keep him on track with work he kept procrastinating, etc), or when I would try to get him to go to sleep early instead of playing video games (because his lack of sleep was making him miserable, exhausted, and cranky). So, we have an argument another night (about 3 weeks after the last one). I leave to go home. Later, I tell him that I don't know what is wrong with him- if he is still having doubts or what, but he needs to get it together, knock off the passive aggressive-ness, and be nice.
The next day, we talk... he says he is still having doubts. He says he talked himself out of wanting to be in the relationship because we were arguing and things were not as fun and happy as they had been, etc, etc. I gave him his ring back. We talked more. He felt bad because he had stopped treating me right; he had stopped paying attention to me, had stopped being romantic, and had been very self-centered. He said that he wanted to get married (and to me), but did not know if we should, given the way he was treating me. After a few hours, he apologizes, gives me the ring back, asks me to please work on things with him, tells me he is in this for good and forever, etc. I concede.
Fast forward three weeks, and he is acting really distant over a weekend. I ask him what is wrong, and he insists (multiple times) that it is nothing. Finally, after a few days, he tells me that he is having doubts still. He tells me that there are little things that bother him about us. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants or what is wrong or anything like that... He leaves to go work out, and I leave his ring with a note. I tell him that he has broken things off and called them back on twice already, and that I cannot keep playing this game with him. I don't like games, and I will not play them in a relationship. I tell him I am NOT calling off the engagement, but that I need him to really figure things out and to give me the ring back when he is SURE- no more games. I figured that a physical symbol of certainty would get the message across to him that I am serious about no games. They have no place in a marriage.
He tells me later that night that he is upset that I left the ring. I asked him to NOT make up any meaning to it; that all I meant by the gesture was what I said, and that any other meaning assigned to it would be him making things up, entirely. He said he would try not to, but he is just not sure...
Two days later, we talk again. To make a long story short, a 6 hour conversation yields his saying that he loves me, but is not in love with me. Up until this point I was SURE it was cold feet, nothing more. After hearing that... talk about breaking someone's heart. The end product was that we broke up. I told him that when I said yes to his proposal I chose the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and that when he figured things out, he knew where to find me.
The next morning, he texts me and says he did a lot of thinking and wants to talk. Again, to sum things up, he decided he wanted to call off the engagement and go back to dating so that we could get back into a good place and fix our small issues and pick back up the things we had let slide (romance and giving one another enough space, mainly). He was amazingly excited by this, and more hopeful that I would say yes than I have ever seen him. I agreed, and we both were very excited that we had found a solution that allowed us to stay together and work things out. He made sweet promises to never let romance slip like that again, to work his *** off to make this all turn out, etc, etc.
The next day, he talks to me oddly- like we have not been together for two years, like we have just met or something. After a full day of it, I tell him to not make this awkward and weird; that we have been together for two years, and this weird stuff is not going to fly- he just needs to be normal and let us get back to being us. I had heard from some of his friends that all day he had been saying how happy he was to keep me, how I was the only girl for him, how he was praying we could fix things... his friends, not even mutual friends were being told this. So, with all of the weirdness, I sat him down to talk again. I told him that I am 100% committed to this, to him, everything. I told him that I love him, but that I need to know that he believes that we can make this work, that we have a chance before I will keep trying as well. I told him that I would do ANYTHING in the world for him, but that I deserve to be loved in a relationship, and that I could not invest myself in fixing us if he did not have faith we could succeed. He said that he did not think we could fix things right now...
We broke up, and have not talked in about 2 days much, now.
This is a total bombshell. He sounds completely crazy. Is he trying to get out, or is this just a very confused guy having cold feet. Should I leave him for good, or wait and give him space and time to sort things out... hoping that he will come back to me... You do not fall out of love over a rough patch (NO MAJOR ISSUES AT ALL, THOUGH!) of 2 months... the only thing I can think of is either 1.) he will figure things out if I let him have time/space, and he will come back, or 2.) he never really loved me to begin with (was just infatuated), and now that that is gone... he will be, too.
Please... I need advice. Not a single one of his friends or my friends know what he is doing or what is up with him; they think it is cold feet and he is just being a complete idiot, and that he will come around... I am so scared, though. I love him with all my heart (and have told him). Through all of this, I have been nothing but kind (though very sad)... please help.