We all have our problems, here is mine. I have been married for 22 years and now have two nearly grown children. It seems that as soon as the I Do's were said she changed, kind of like I got him now so I don't have to worry about nothing any more. We have never cheated on each other and we both have worked all our married lives, but after we married she just didn't seem to care what I wanted or needed in our relationship any more. The sex died "only once or twice a month for years if I was lucky" and would not ever want me to touch her no matter where we were, "not just in the bedroom". She would spend money like there was no tomorrow, to my resistance. No matter what I would ask, or expect of her she would all ways do the opposite.

Not cleaning, doing laundry, cooking and always complaning about any of it very loudly with the kids present. I did most of this for years because the kids needed someone to take care of them, she was always out with friends or when she was home she would just sit and play on the computer or on the phone with friends all the time. For many years it felt like I had a room mate and not a wife. Any time that I tired to voice my feelings there were meet with screaming and cursing with the kids present most of the time to hear it all. She did know that I was very unhappy and felt very unloved, but she just didn't seem to care.

After 10 or 12 years of this my love for her died but I didn't want to have her raise out kids and me get them every other weekend. Now after over 20 years here I am still stuck and very unhappy and married to someone that I do not love. I finally told her that I do not love her and told her the reasons for it and the children know all this also. To my surprise the kids feel the same way toward her also and they both do not understand why she is still here.

Now for the big surprise! After 20 years of marriage she tells me that she was sexually molested as a child by her oldest brother. Her family stopped it after about 2 years of abuse after she told her parents. Over the years of our marriage our children have spent many a weekend and nights at this brothers home, with her and her parents knowing what had happen years ago. This is just crazy to me that anyone could let their children stay with someone like this.

Since I found out this information both children know what their uncle has done so they may make their own decisions about him being in their future. She stills feels like she did no wrong in letting the children stay there because she said that he would never do that again. He has never spent any time in jail for this and no one else in the family knows, his wife, children and inlaws. I feel like I should have known this information many years ago, like before we were married but she said she was afraid that I would leave her if I knew.

Her being sexually abused as a child makes a lot of sense to me now with her being the way she was to me all of those years, wanted to be in control and seeing sex as something dirty. She would not even want me to even cuddle up to her in bed nor would she to me. In my eyes for 20 years I was married to a very: unloving, selfish ***** that all ways wanted what she wanted not what the family needed. I have told her that I do not love her, that I do not like her and I despise her and have no respect for her. I can never love some one that I don't like.

Am I and my children wrong to feel this way toward her? I guess that is the question I want to know. Children are living at home and are ages 20 and 16 and never had anything done to them by their uncle as far as I can tell. Thanks everyone for any replies, good or bad toward me.

How old was she and her brother at the time of the abuse?

Was told she was around 12 to 14, which would put his age around 16 to 18 years old.

It seems to me that it doesn't matter why she is like she is or even if she is willing to go to counseling. You have already said you don't like or love her and there doesn't appear to be any respect either. Is there any trust? So why are you still married?

From what you say, the children want her gone, too. So what are you looking for from us? Confirmation that divorce is your best option? Someone to say 'try counseling?'

If you have told her how you feel and neither of you are doing anything to fix or work on the marriage, there isn't anything to add. Has she said how she feels about you?

You stayed with this woman for 22 years. You said all of this started shortly after the marriage. You made two children and then stayed for 22 years.
Why are you still there?

You may not yet have all the answers, and you may never have all the answers as to why you have realized after 22 years that your marriage is on the brink of being over.

Her molestation by her uncle, does not excuse or explain why she did not deal with that trauma; or why she was a lousy mother because of it, or that it completely and totally ruined her ability to have a healthy intimacy in her marriage with you. It doesn't explain why she never spoke up, (she did once, by telling her parents) and sought counselling to work through it. It doesn't explain why she shut you out. It doesn't explain why she put her children in danger by allowing them to visit this molester uncle, and it doesn't explain why, after 22 years, that that one 'reason' is supposed to explain everything that is wrong in her life.

In fact, you don't know if it is even true.

The first thing I would do, is stop including your children in your marriage problems. That puts them in a very bad position of having to judge their own mother. Let them know they are loved, and that there are problems, but it has nothing to do with them, and you and your wife need to work things out.

Speak to your wife's parents, and confirm that there was in fact, abuse that took place, and what was done (if anything) about it. If you have the least bit of doubt that it did happen, tell them that for the safety of your children, they will not be allowed around this uncle, unless you are present.

Insist on marriage counselling. You need to be able to both address the problems in your marriage, appropriately, with an impartial person who can help uncover the reasons for 22 years of unhappiness. Her abuse allegation is only one reason she is the way she is, but it does not explain her behaviour, and her unwillingness or inability to address the many other problems that have existed for over two decades.

Both of you need to get past the excuses and finger pointing as a cause of the relationship falling apart. She may have reasons for her behaviour that did not occur to you (I don't see you pointing out any of your own faults that may have contributed). You may not be aware of missed signals, or situations during your marriage that both of you contributed to, that weakened your relationship. After 22 years, we become more judgmental, and less understanding sometimes. And not talking, but assuming, and giving up instead of working out problems, leads to, sometimes, an insurmountable situation that is not fixable.

But, my opinion is that while you focus on what she has said so far, i.e. the abuse, as the ONLY reason to explain most of how she has been the past 20 plus years, you may be robbing yourself, and your marriage, of an opportunity to work through, and to learn, from both your perspective, and hers, of the many other factors that have led you both to this point.

Counselling may confirm your feelings, and you may discover there is no hope for the marriage, but, it will at least lead you to a conclusion. I think it is too early to conclude the marriage is over.

Both of you need to address the issues that each of you have, together.

I'd be curious to hear her side of the story, but as has been said, if you have been so unhappy all these year, why did you remain married? Why are you married now? Is it because you still held hope that things might change? If so, see about going to counseling. Go by yourself if necessary.

If you truly are over it, and do not want to try and change things, then seek a divorce.

Sorry for such a bad situation, but what I don't understand is why did you not address this a long time ago?

That's where I see the real problem. You let this drag out for 22 years? NOW WHAT?? More of the same?

I strongly suggest you get the facts and make a decision to act on them! Not that I believe her, but you know her better than I do. Frankly, you should have taken your kids and left if things were as bad as you say.

I mean, you kept the beeyach around your kids, as much as she did her brother, and did nothing about it, but endure in misery, as has she.

Forget the past BS. Get a solution, and resolve this to the benefit of you both. Like you should have done 20 years ago. As of now, you can't even think clearly through your own resentments.

And you are still there??

I should congratulate you for getting the energy to tell your wife how feel. That was a good step though late. Why did you wait all these 22 years to tell her how you felt about herb behavior? The mere fact that you have tolerated her for 22years tells me you care for your wife. Well she is to blame for the wrecking of your marriage but partially you take the blame too. You would have got the whole truth a long time ago if you had sat your wife down and work on your marriage. Anyhow accusation may not work now it is done and can't be undone, so I would advice you try counseling with your wife and exclude your children out of your marital problems. She is still their mother no matter what. Now that you know the cause of every thing do you think it is the right time to leave your partner? Try to help her even if you hate her for your children's sake.