Threads merged full the whole story

I am an unhappily married man my marriage has been dead for years, she has sexual problems for which she will not seek help after asking her to for many years, she promises to get help then does nothing, she is prudish with sex, and I think for this reason will never get help, we are talking many years of trying here, I have now given up on her I may be wrong to do so but there is only so much anyone can take, she knows how much this has always meant to me by all the arguments we have had over this over the years, fact is she can not let herself go in sex I can bring her to the point of orgasm quite easily but then dead stop, she pulls away and will not let it happen, what is her problem, all she ever wants is cuddles I feel unloved by her actions how can I cuddle her as if things where normal.

The rest of the story

I have been seeing a woman now for three and a half years, she was an unhappily married woman when I met her, who left her husband just over a year ago, we have been so good together or so I thought although she says we where too, the problem started 6 weeks ago she felt guilty about her ex so fixed him up with a friend that happened to say she liked him, she has wanted him to find someone else all along, thing is it clicked big time they really hit it off, when I told my girlfriend this woman stayed overnight at his the **** hit the fan, she says she is not upset about them but anything to do with him sets her off and its all my fault.
Fact is things had got hard between us always arguments about daft things, she always seemed to over react at things I said and straight away we are over, she hides away from me ignores calls and texts, then after a few days things are fine, I ask her not to hide or ignore all the time ask her to face me with it she did this twice and things where settled very quickly, but now back to the hiding and ignoring, thing is I know now how wrong I have been but I abused her every time she hid and ignored, I said she was up to no good and she was arguing just to have a weekend off from me on purpose, thing is when we get back together I believe her when she tells me she has done no wrong, but the stupid arguments and splits kept coming, until her ex slept with this friend, I have hardly seen her in six weeks now when I do she just tells me we are over and abuses me, although she still wants me as her friend with benefits, we go so long then start again.
She has been on antidepressants for about 4 months now saying it is me but since the hubby thing has doubled the dose and is going to see a counsellor saying she feels like killing herself, she says she never wants him back, but also she says she thought she knew him and this just shows how she never, she was on antidepressants in the past whilst with him before I came on the scene twice that I know of.
I know I did wrong accusing her and making her feel worthless there is no one more sorry than I, I have told her I will get help to stop but she will have none of it.
Fact is this started when I told her about her ex, is it me who has done this, is it that she still has feelings for her ex, is it the antidepressants, is it a mixture of all the above.
I love this woman so much it hurts so much that she rejects me sees me rejects me constantly, she says the love has gone but then I see her we hold hands kiss make love, then as I leave she says don't come back.
Have I lost this love forever?

Bandy, before anyone responds to your posts, you need to get your story straight. On the Adult Sexuality board you talk about your wife and years of sexual problems with her. (Warning Link to Adult Sexuality Board. Now, you have relationship issues with a [B]girlfriend.


Please explain why you post about your wife here, but your girlfriend on the Dating Board

Cat the problem with my wife is years old, I have never thought of asking or seeking help on one of these sites before, and naturally I feel guilty that I have thought of it for my girlfriend but not for my wife, I do believe it is far to late for my marriage now no matter what, but I still have feelings for her as most people would and if there is an answer to this it would help her in the future, she also has had enough of our sham.

Perhaps your wife is aware of the girlfriend? You may not think so, but chances are she is. Has there been any other women before this current girlfriend?

Does your wife have any bad experiences with sex in the past?

Outside of the bedroom, when things are calm, have you asked your wife if she knows why this happens?

When you have asked her to get help, is it done in a loving and caring manner or when you have argued about it? Have you offered to go with her to a doctor? Have you suggested marriage counseling with your wife?

If you care about your wife as you say, and since it appears things aren't working out so great with the girlfriend anyway, maybe focus on what you have at home. You are putting your attention where it doesn't belong and it takes away from where it does. You may not realise it, but your wife knows this.

Be the one to make the phone calls, set up the appointments, etc..

If you truly feel your marriage can not be saved, then do the decent thing and divorce your wife before getting involved with someone new.

There has been one other many years ago.
She has no past bad sexual experiences in the past to my knowledge.
We have talked in many circumstances including calm where I have offered to go with her and help.
She is a very private person who will not take help, its no ones buisiness as far as she is concerned.
I do believe your right she does know.

As a woman, I can assure you that knowing your husband has been in the past, and is currently involved with someone else, would make it extremely difficult to want to be intimate with him. Maybe that is what is causing her to hold back, even if she is not aware of it. I'm surprised she hasn't left you by now.

Hard to want to give yourself to someone when you know they are giving themselves to someone else and have one foot, essentially, out the door.

It may have seemed like a good idea to seek the love and attention elsewhere, certainly less effort than working at your marriage, but as you have seen, you still have issues there to contend with as well.

What about marriage counseling? Tell your wife that you love her (if you do), that you want to try and rebuild your marriage to be what you both had hoped it would be from the start, and that you want to do everything the two of you can to make things better.

Start with dropping the other woman, completely, and then move onto marriage counseling if you want any hope of saving this marriage because it doesn't appear that you will be able to do it on your own.

My concern is asking for help with a problem and then either lying about or omitting facts which could/would make a difference.

You are having an affair (and not your first) and you wonder why your wife is not interested in being sexually intimate with you? In answer to your question ("What is her problem?") I would ask - what is YOUR problem?

If you can't stay faithful to your wife do her a favor and end your marriage - give her a chance to find some happiness.

Just reading your posts, I would probably feel the same as your wife.
HOW do you talk to her about it? HOW do you aproach her. And WHY would you have a girl friend on the side? If you really don't want your wife anymore, and you wnt your girlfriend, have the decency to divorce your wife FIRST.

Bottom line, you sound very selfish, and I don't think you really give a care about your wife, the only problem YOU see is that YOU aren't getting any sex from her.

You have not once considered her feelings in your posts, considered that the problem may lie with YOU.

Good luck on this. But this is pretty much all I have to say to you.

I have been married 30 years, she wants sex I do not anymore, she has been this way all her life not just lately, 30 years I have asked and asked her to do something and 30 years of ignoring my requests, am I really selfish do I really have a problem, I had an affair many years ago, and tried again with nothing in return, how many people would give it that long?

Yes, you're really selfish. Yes, you really do have a problem.

A LOT of people live in marriages without sex for many reasons, some of them health related.

Please don't justify your bad behavior by asking "us" what "other people" would do. Other people wouldn't commit adultery.

Is your problem with your wife that she won't have an orgasm? Is there more to it than that? Are you saying that she stops cold or that she just doesn't go over the edge? Are you measuring your 'manhood' by her climaxing? Do you think she owes it to you to have an orgasm?

Does she enjoy sex without climaxing or have you even asked her? Do you know that many women go their entire lives never having an orgasm just because that is the way they are whether it is physical or mental? Some women just cannot take the physical stimulation.

I will admit that I think you are contradicting yourself. One post 'all she ever wants is cuddling' and in another 'she wants sex.' Which is it?

Now, on to the mistress. Please explain what you mean by 'but i abused her every time she hid and ignored... '

You seem to think she is your property. She isn't property any more than your wife is. Quite frankly, I think the women should get together and get rid of you. If you have 'abused' your mistress and accused her of all kinds of things I can only wonder what you have said and done to your wife.

If the marriage is dead as supposedly you both agree (then why does your wife want cuddling/sex), get out of it before getting into another relationship.

>>>>>I have been married 30 years, she wants sex I do not anymore, she has been this way all her life not just lately, 30 years I have asked and asked her to do something and 30 years of ignoring my requests, am I really selfish do I really have a problem, I had an affair many years ago, and tried again with nothing in return, how many people would give it that long?


If this has been going on for the last 30 years, it sounds as though she hasn't had a problem with it, but you have for some reason. I have to wonder, as Cat does, if you are measuring your "abilities" by whether she has an orgasm? Believe it or not, not all women do, nor do they feel it is necessary to have a satisfying sex life.

If you are so unhappy with the situation, and can't seem to find intimacy with your wife in other ways, then why don't you leave? Do you achieve sexual release when you have sex with your wife? Are you thinking her lack of orgasm is a reflection on your ability to satisfy her and that has effected your ego and sense of being a man in some way?

Maybe, without realising it, you are putting your own sense of sexual dysfunction onto your wife. It may also be why you sought other women to prove that you can bring a woman to release and that helped to make you feel more fulfilled and have a greater sense of self-esteem?

Regardless, an affair is never the answer. If you aren't happy, and you feel you have tried all in your power to make things better... self-reflection, counseling as a couple and/or yourself, discussing it with your partner, etc. then you end the marriage. You don't kill it off even more by having an affair.

Cheaters will say anything to justify why they do what they do. Terrible though when you are not happy at home, and not happy with your mistress though.

Since you are the common denominator between two unhappy females, then its you who must be doing something wrong here, at home, and in the gutters, so its you who have some changes, and adjustments to make.

Easy to blame others for there flaws, keeps you from seeing your own, so my advice is try some honesty.

Start with being honest with yourself, so you can see your own flaws, and change them. Then you will know what must be done, and how to do it. Until you do find that brutal self honesty, you will continue to slosh around in your own S(CRAP!!!!!)T!!!!!