I've had a close male friend for over 2 years now. When we first started the friendship there was lots of confusion about what kind of relationship was developing. A kind of are we arnt we sort are of thing. At this time my friend (lets call him Ben�) was in a relationship with a girl he had been dating for three years. This girl (lets call her Anne�) was mildly involved in my friendship groups but not to the extent that I would deem her as anything more than an acquaintance.

Ben was becoming increasingly unhappy within his relationship with Anne and they broke up and got back together several times within the next year or so. I was always very supportive of him and listened to his problems but both of us felt like our relationship was maybe more than that of just friends. We kissed on several occasions and took walks to the beach at night, holding hands and hugging, however all of these occasions took place within the many times that Ben and Anne were broken up.

Neither of us knew what it was. I started to develop quite strong feelings for him and was confused as to whether it was just friendship or more. One night after Ben's relationship with Anne had been well and truly ended Ben came round to mine and we cuddled on the sofa watching films. This turned into kissing which ended up in us having sex. The sex was brilliant, it felt comfortable and passionate at the same time. Id never felt like that before and Ben said he felt the same. We talked about it afterwards and both agreed that it didn't feel weird at all. Afterwards we hung out the same, sometimes acting like just friends, sometimes cuddling like partners and on two other occasions engaged in sexual intercourse.

Nothing came out of it at that moment, Ben liked a couple of other girls and after being in a relationship for so long I considered normal for him to want to mess around a bit. We carried on as normal, I got a boyfriend and immediately after Ben got himself a girlfriend too. I made the unfortunate mistake of telling my new boyfriend that Ben and I had slept together, and that at one time or another we may have had feelings for each other but that they never manifested into anything.

He seemed to take it okay to start with but eventually said he didn't want me to see him again. We spent months fighting over this and I stopped seeing Ben. However one night Ben contacted me and said he was feeling down and wanted to talk. I felt I wanted to be a loyal friend and at the same time a loyal girlfriend but there was no way I would ever be able to do so. Eventually I decided as Ben had been there for me so much I should see him and make sure he was okay. I went to his and we caught up and it felt so great to see him and talk to him again just as friends.

That night my boyfriend came to mine to surprise me and found me gone. When I returned he went ballistic asking me where id been. I didn't want to lie so I told him I had been to see Ben and he took it badly, screamed obscenities at me then leaving in a rage. I tried to sort it out by talking to him, endless talks and fights ensued and eventually we seemed back on track again. However now my boyfriend absolutely despises Ben more than ever and doesn't want me to see or speak to him ever again. It even feels like he's not happy with me not talking to or seeing him he actually wants me to hate him as well. We still fight about it and even though I haven't seen or spoken to Ben in months my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to let it go.

I really miss my friend and I know that he worries about me as he tries to get in contact with me via other friends and on Facebook on numerous occasions. I feel like there is a part of me missing as I've never had a friend I was as close to as him. But I feel guilty not talking to him and guilty if I do. I'm so unsure what to do about this whole situation please help!

It's decision time, either you respect your boyfriend and leave Ben be. Or you dump your boyfriend and take Ben as a friend. Or you keep seeing Ben and try to keep your boyfriend to remain your boyfriend.

Irrationally jealousy should never be encouraged or supported in any way shape or form, however I see a few valid points from his point of view. You mentioned you have a history with this Ben character, and you snuck out to see him to help him, I know that - your boyfriend doesent.(had it been me - THIS would have been a major red flag, but again that's just me)

On the flip side, your boyfriend is a part of your life and should not be controlling whom you want to spend your time with - he should trust you to do the right thing, and you mentioned this was a issue even before you snuck over to see Ben.

May I ask how long you and your current boyfriend have been together, and your ages please?

Hey, Thanks for replying.
Me and my current boyfriend have been together just over a year and this issue has plagued our relationship for the most part. We are both 20 years old.
My boyfriend does know that I went to see Ben that night, I told him as soon as I got back which is why he flipped out. I understand it's a hard situation to deal with but I've only ever been honest with him. I don't see or speak to ben anymore but he's still a constant issue in our lives.
I don't see how if you love someone you should ever make them choose between their friendships and you. Ive stuck with this because I love him and I really want him to be able to get over it but I can't live the rest of my life with him if he can never trust me. The problem is more in the fact that I actually made a decision to stop seeing Ben and I'm still no better off.

Choose one or the other. Keep the jealous boyfriend, or the best friend who likes to sleep with you whenever he has no one else to do. I don't like either one to tell you the truth, but the best friend at least seems to offer better emotional support when you have needed in the past.

Good luck,
Javi

Despite feeling down, why would Ben ask and expect you to come over that night? Surely he must understand the nature of the position that would put you in? Now, regardless of the fact that your boyfriend should work on his jelousy/anger, it s hard to define just what kind of relationship you had with Ben. Your boyfriend probably sees Ben as more of past lover than "friend". Should your boyfriend trust you?- absolutely but, in this situation you really are rocking the boat!

What if the situation was reversed, that your boyfriend rushed to console and ex lover? A girl you may have never met and one that he spoke highly of? I think you sat on the fence way too long on this one and perhaps paying a bit of a price for it. After all you did agree not to see Ben anymore and you broke that agreement.

Sorry, but take away the glamor and feelings, you put your friends with benefits thing before your boyfriend. That's a fact.

Its also a fact that he is more afraid of you messing with that friend with benefits fellow behind his back, than he trusts you. Darned if you do, but darned if you don't.

He may never change, so the decision is yours to go or stay, but your boyfriend will always be afraid of the "ghost" of Ben. Look at his behavior before he knew you had gone to see him. That behavior is unacceptable, as telling you not to see him again is also unacceptable.

You seem like a very nice honest person, but most guys would object to you seeing a friend you shared benefits with. But this guy crosses a line, that you better pay attention too. If you indeed fight about this as much as you posted, then this guys issues go beyond the fear of just ONE guy. He would be the same way with anything he was afraid of. Those are his issues and if he cannot deal with them in an appropriate manner, then you decide if you can handle it or not.

As to Ben. Seems he would graciously step aside and not cause problems in your life. He did not. That's also something to pay very close attention too.

In closing, Ben contacting you, you going, and your boyfriends jealousy, puts you all over the line of good behavior, and unless some changes are made by all 3 of you, no good comes of any of this. Enough Red Flags to go around for everyone involved.