My wife of 7 years has become friends with one of her female co-workers and they hang out quite a bit outside of work. For years me and my co-workers and my wife and her co-workers have hung out at happy hour about once a week. I am in a male dominated profession, she in a female one, so the single ones of our groups sometimes hit it off and hook up.

Her new friend is a cute gal, has a boyfriend that she is CLEARLY not happy with based on statements she has made to me and my wife. I will admit that she and I have a lot in common, and I enjoy her company, just as I enjoy seeing my wife have someone new & fun to hang out with. Recently my wife did not go out with the group, and I felt like her friend was throwing out some signals. Sitting next to me when several other seats were available, being a bit flirty at times. As people began to leave, I decided to go, and she told me that I could not leave yet as she was just served a new drink, so I should stay for one more. I did, and then we left about 15 minutes later, no problems.

We had friends over the house, my wife was home, she was the last one to leave, and one of my friends asked me if I was messing around with her, as he sensed a bit of something going on between her and I. The night after she planned to join me and my wife for dinner with our kids, on an invute from my wife. Feeling a bit awkward around her, excused myself from the event, and stayed at work late. A few nights later I got a 1am text from her asking if I was working, and some small talk about the dinner I missed and my kids etc.

I have several of my wife's friends that I am very friendly with, and greet with a hug or even a kiss on the cheek when I see them. I feel very tense around this new friend, and I am not sure why it is so awkward. I love my wife, and we have been having some minor difficulties over the past six months, but nothing regarding infidelity or anything. I would never cheat on my wife, but I feel like this one is testing me a bit, or might even be testing me on directions from my wife. I don't know who to bring the issue up with, as I don't want my wife to think this gal is making a play for her husband, when I am not even sure she is and ruin a good friendship. I don't know if my wife might be telling her to push the envelope a bit to see if I am trustworthy (I certainly hope not). I don't know if it is all in my head, and I might look like a complete idiot for even thinking this gal is a bit into me. In some ways I enjoy the attention which is scaring me a bit.

I have taken the step to tell my wife feel like our relationship is lacking a bit in closeness & attention. You know, the occasional shoulder rub, or hug for no reason. Sex is fine for me between my wife and I. I am very attracted to her, and I think she does a good job finding time once a week to try and have a little adult time which is no easy task with my being out of the house working nights, and kids underfoot all day.

My ultimate question is should I just let this go, and wait for the friend to make a clear advance (which I would decline) before I tell my wife? Should I discuss directly with the friend that someone thought there was something going between us, and laugh it off, as ridiculous? Or should I talk this all over with my wife before she starts to suspect something is going on based on the tension, and alleged flirtiness my friend picked up on. Right now I am just avoiding things, hoping that her intentions are a good fun PLATONIC relationship, and she is not intending to be a "homewrecker". LOL... Please help me out.

BOB
Naples FL

This is a tough situation.

First, even if you're wrong and she's not flirting, not interested, it doesn't matter. You feel uncomfortable, and that's enough of a reason to do something about this.

Personally I'd speak to your wife, tell her that her new friend is coming on a bit strong and it's making you uneasy. Stress the fact that you don't want to come between her and her new friend, and nothing overt has happened, you just feel ill at ease.

Together you and your wife can decide what to do about this.

I wouldn't text with this girl at all. If she texts you I'd send her one last text saying that you don't feel comfortable texting with women at 1 am unless it's your wife.

I'd mention often how much you love your wife, that you're a family man. Bring up your wife in conversation as often as possible. Hopefully that will give her the hint. ;)

If all else fails, you'll have to sit down with this girl, tell her that her flirting is making you uneasy, and that you're happily married and plan to stay that way. Make it very clear that you don't enjoy her advances, and that nothing will come of them.

All in all, honesty is the best policy. Your wife may have already noticed some tension between the two of you, or worse, thinks there's something going on, like your friend did. It's better to tell her now that there's nothing happening, and that you're not liking what this girl is doing. That should put her mind at ease, and it brings the issue out in the open so you can both deal with it the way a married couple should.

Good luck. :)

I think I would have casually let my wife know about the text, and left it at that, without returning it.

I think as long as YOU don't get carried away by these overtures, or PERCEIVED overtures, and remain within the boundaries of good behavior, it won't matter about this girls motives or actions. Don't make a mess where there ain't one already.

Why make this harder than what it is because it doesn't matter what her motives are.

I agree about letting your wife know that you don't mind her having a friendship with this woman, however you don't care for this woman getting into your personnel space. Such as hugging or kissing on cheek. I would also explain that you personnally could live without having to do many social gatherings with this woman. If your wife ask why, just tell her that she kind of put you off with the getting in your personnel space and don't make any more out of it.

Concur with the others... if you do decide to go out in a group setting again, stick by the wife, avoid the other woman. Respond politely if she addresses you, but do not initiate any contact or conversation.

Do not respond to any further text. If you share that with your wife you could ask her, "Why in the world would so and so text me at 1 am?" You don't want anyone to be able to even consider, by your behavior or demeanor, that something could be going on.

If you continue to feel she is in pursuit for any reason, let your wife know that you find her actions disconcerting and are no longer comfortable spending time in her presence.

So you possibly lose one friend... it would be well worth it.

On one hand you don't want to cause conflict if this is really just nothing but on the other hand you don't want to keep secrets from your wife. I would ignore the text from this woman and casually show your wife what you received. I would say in a joking fashion something like, "did she send this to me by mistake?" or "why would she send me something?". Can I ask why you two exchanged numbers though? If she continues to contact you separately from your wife I would send a text back asking her not to send you anymore messages and ask her to please respect your wishes. All settled :-)