Hello

... there are so many things I don't know where to begin. I am a 25yo female, diagnosed with depression for 4years now, I've always had a wish to die young, I don't wish to be here anymore, I have no ambition and become very stressed with lifes expectations. I have taken sick leave from my degree due to my depression, I only have my dissertation to finish but the idea of beginning it is too much yet at the same time I work in a call centre and I hate it. Even when I started my degree I always knew at the back of my mind that I wanted to die young and therefore never looked into what job I was going to get at the end of it. Im getting to the point that I don't want to go on, I've got a great group of friends with whom I've worked abroad with when I was younger, done the whole Ibiza thing, partying etc I used to be really outgoing and confident but now I'm different, I isolate myself, I used to live alone but I've had to move in with family because of my depression, I find everyday tasks difficult and daunting. My depression I think stems from my earlier years as I'm an identical twin and my mam didn't want me... just my sister so by the age of 13 I had to live with my dad.

A major contributing factor to the way I feel is also my skin... this may sound daft hence why I haven't told my friends/family, I've basically got really bad genes, my hands look weathered, wrinkled, they've been referred to as 'mans hands', my face is becoming wrinkled, my stepmam who is in her 50s has better skin than me. I can remember when I was 15/16 hiding my hands from my ex-boyfriend, or apologising when I shake peoples hands because my skin is so rough, I treat it regularly throughout the day with Hydromol ointment and I drink plenty of water etc for years now. Because of this I'm now avoiding going out, holidays, I would love to meet someone as I've been single for four years but I feel to disgusting and too self-conscious, I feel I want to punish myself, I've considered burning my hands rather than have them wrinkled. I take ketamine alone to numb my pain, I know it may counteract my anti-depressants but its dissassociative effect it has is the only thing that gets me through my pain.

I tried to take my own life last year, my friends found me in my flat and called an ambulance, I was in hospital for a few days and since then I just feel in limbo, trapped. Trapped because I don't want to be here but I have a brother who is nine with autism and ADHD and I dad who I love, I've told him how I feel and I cry most nights imagining how they will feel if I were to take my own life and the impact that it will have on my little brother in later life. Me and my brother get on so well.

All in all... im scared at how I feel, I'm scared at how trapped I feel and scared watching others live their lives around me whilst I'm sitting in this world where I'm just existing. I don't know if anyone could suggest anything, I've tried re-taking up hobbies such as horse-riding but its just not the same, I'm too self-conscious to join a gym or go swimming. Ive tried counselling for some time, but sometimes makes me feel worse when I leave because I've had to dig deep and talk about things that are then on my mind when I leave.

Its been quite good for me writing this and getting it off my chest, oh god another day tomorrow.

It sounds like you're feeling pretty desperate and isolated at the moment. I see that you are taking antidepressants and ketamine "for your pain" Is that emotional pain you're referring to?

The dissociative effects? Could you describe that in a little more detail?

Hiya

Thanks for replying, yes 'emotional pain', my ketmaine use began recreationally with friends but now I prefer to sit alone in my room and take it, I can take a lot of it because my tolerance levels are so high now but its having a physical impact on my body now, I've had ulceratitive cystitis a couple of times, which is known as 'ketamine belly', I'm worried it will damage my bladder in the end, frequent users have had theirs removed entireley. Ive also damaged my nasal septum, there is a hole forming, think its only a matter of a few months. I can't really think about it too much otherwise I would really feel suicidal because I know I'm psychologically rely on it to get me through my 'difficult' days, those days where I can't face life. I know its problematic but addictive personality is another trait I seem to have. Ridiculously I took up smoking to replace one habit with another which worked for about a week and then I relapsed and now do both. Smoking not only comes with its health concerns but most importantly it will prematureley age my skin further... knowing all of this because I can't look into the future I can't stop either. Arrrggghhh!

I think I want to adopt you and make you my cyber child.

You express yourself so well, and have such a gift for that.

Please tell me one other good thing about you.

Oh sorry... Ketamine produces a dissociative state, it creates a sense of detatchment from your body, I thinks its due to its anaesthetic qualities. Its used for surgery etc. It can last between 15mins to an hour depending how much you take, it creates a sense of calm and has a distortion from time and perception. Its just like sedating yourself, sounds disgusting and from an insider looking in I can imagine how crazy it may sound, unfortunately it's the only thing that temporarily takes me out of the world and then brings me back without actually killing myself.

Ah thanks Wondergirl, I really appreciate you saying that, I usually get really bad writers block when it comes to uni work and things but talking on here has been easier, think its just loads of pent up stress and worry.

Not to sure, I'm racking my brain trying to think about what's good about me... I just love my family and friends. Think that's what's causing me so much anguish, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't hesitate in just taking my own life but I'm also very aware it's a selfish act and the consequences it would have on them. I want to help others and I've taken up charity work with Age concern, but visitng elderly at their homes has just increased my vision that I don't want to be here, getting older doesn't seem like much fun, you see others dying around you, health and mobility deteriorates, its just an on-going personal battle. My gran died two months ago, and now she's not here. It just feels weird how life goes on, the un-knowing of where she has gone and what happens when you die and that your life becomes nothing but just a memory. I was very close to her.

Ive got this other part of my personality that wants to travel, explore the world, but I can't because of how I feel about myself and my depression. Im just another wasted life. Drop-out student working in a call centre with lots of debt and no ambition who can't be in a relationship because of how disgusting a feel about myself, so I'm a lonely yet I choose to make myself this way, don't let anyone one in and isolate myself, so really only myself to blame.

oh sorry....Ketamine produces a dissociative state, it creates a sense of detatchment from your body, i thinks its due to its anaesthetic qualities. Its used for surgery etc. It can last between 15mins to an hour depending how much you take, it creates a sense of calm and has a distortion from time and perception. Its just like sedating yourself, sounds disgusting and from an insider looking in i can imagine how crazy it may sound, unfortunately its the only thing that temporarily takes me out of the world and then brings me back without actually killing myself.

Now I get the dissociative connection. I've been kicking around in the addiction field for decades but have never been involved with or researched ketamine. I had to do a little quick reading. I see that the cystitis was only recently documented, 2007? Maybe we can both learn something... What's the relationship with the nasal septum?

The idea of temporary respite doesn't sound crazy at all. I can see how that would have appeal.

im lonely yet i choose to make myself this way, dont let anyone one in and isolate myself, so really only myself to blame.
It sounds like you have a lot to give. How about volunteering in an animal shelter? Or starting a writers' group at your library?

Yeah its worrying that its quite a new drug to be taking recreationally in the grand scheme of things, its not until you research it that you see how bad the physical side effects can be, very damaging and bladder damage is irreversible in some cases, the 'scene' that I have got myself into means we are the generation of 'guinea pigs' to see what damage it actually will have over time. I read that it actually burns the nose four times quicker than Coke, as I snort it it has burned the cartilage in my nose. The nasal septum is loose and I can feel it has burned where it joins to the bone, there isn't much skin/cartiliadge left before its off entireley. I regret that I've let it get to this stage and most people who know me don't know I do it, such as work colleagues/family etc, id like to think that I do not look like a drug user, but then again you can't take anyone on face value. My friends take it recreationally, weekends, clubbing, parties etc but I've became more dependent, prefer it weekdays when life seems more difficult instead of enjoying myself on weekends when id rather be alone.

Reverting back to your original post. Were you taking antidepressants prior to the ketamine use? If so, was there any benefit?

Are you currently taking antidepressants?

I also see you've tried counseling and, based on the "dig deep" comment, assume it is was psychodynamic "probing past" approach. Is that correct?

I'm going to leave for the evening but look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.