conwayn3
Apr 15, 2011, 06:42 PM
Hello
... there are so many things I don't know where to begin. I am a 25yo female, diagnosed with depression for 4years now, I've always had a wish to die young, I don't wish to be here anymore, I have no ambition and become very stressed with lifes expectations. I have taken sick leave from my degree due to my depression, I only have my dissertation to finish but the idea of beginning it is too much yet at the same time I work in a call centre and I hate it. Even when I started my degree I always knew at the back of my mind that I wanted to die young and therefore never looked into what job I was going to get at the end of it. Im getting to the point that I don't want to go on, I've got a great group of friends with whom I've worked abroad with when I was younger, done the whole Ibiza thing, partying etc I used to be really outgoing and confident but now I'm different, I isolate myself, I used to live alone but I've had to move in with family because of my depression, I find everyday tasks difficult and daunting. My depression I think stems from my earlier years as I'm an identical twin and my mam didn't want me... just my sister so by the age of 13 I had to live with my dad.
A major contributing factor to the way I feel is also my skin... this may sound daft hence why I haven't told my friends/family, I've basically got really bad genes, my hands look weathered, wrinkled, they've been referred to as 'mans hands', my face is becoming wrinkled, my stepmam who is in her 50s has better skin than me. I can remember when I was 15/16 hiding my hands from my ex-boyfriend, or apologising when I shake peoples hands because my skin is so rough, I treat it regularly throughout the day with Hydromol ointment and I drink plenty of water etc for years now. Because of this I'm now avoiding going out, holidays, I would love to meet someone as I've been single for four years but I feel to disgusting and too self-conscious, I feel I want to punish myself, I've considered burning my hands rather than have them wrinkled. I take ketamine alone to numb my pain, I know it may counteract my anti-depressants but its dissassociative effect it has is the only thing that gets me through my pain.
I tried to take my own life last year, my friends found me in my flat and called an ambulance, I was in hospital for a few days and since then I just feel in limbo, trapped. Trapped because I don't want to be here but I have a brother who is nine with autism and ADHD and I dad who I love, I've told him how I feel and I cry most nights imagining how they will feel if I were to take my own life and the impact that it will have on my little brother in later life. Me and my brother get on so well.
All in all... im scared at how I feel, I'm scared at how trapped I feel and scared watching others live their lives around me whilst I'm sitting in this world where I'm just existing. I don't know if anyone could suggest anything, I've tried re-taking up hobbies such as horse-riding but its just not the same, I'm too self-conscious to join a gym or go swimming. Ive tried counselling for some time, but sometimes makes me feel worse when I leave because I've had to dig deep and talk about things that are then on my mind when I leave.
Its been quite good for me writing this and getting it off my chest, oh god another day tomorrow.
... there are so many things I don't know where to begin. I am a 25yo female, diagnosed with depression for 4years now, I've always had a wish to die young, I don't wish to be here anymore, I have no ambition and become very stressed with lifes expectations. I have taken sick leave from my degree due to my depression, I only have my dissertation to finish but the idea of beginning it is too much yet at the same time I work in a call centre and I hate it. Even when I started my degree I always knew at the back of my mind that I wanted to die young and therefore never looked into what job I was going to get at the end of it. Im getting to the point that I don't want to go on, I've got a great group of friends with whom I've worked abroad with when I was younger, done the whole Ibiza thing, partying etc I used to be really outgoing and confident but now I'm different, I isolate myself, I used to live alone but I've had to move in with family because of my depression, I find everyday tasks difficult and daunting. My depression I think stems from my earlier years as I'm an identical twin and my mam didn't want me... just my sister so by the age of 13 I had to live with my dad.
A major contributing factor to the way I feel is also my skin... this may sound daft hence why I haven't told my friends/family, I've basically got really bad genes, my hands look weathered, wrinkled, they've been referred to as 'mans hands', my face is becoming wrinkled, my stepmam who is in her 50s has better skin than me. I can remember when I was 15/16 hiding my hands from my ex-boyfriend, or apologising when I shake peoples hands because my skin is so rough, I treat it regularly throughout the day with Hydromol ointment and I drink plenty of water etc for years now. Because of this I'm now avoiding going out, holidays, I would love to meet someone as I've been single for four years but I feel to disgusting and too self-conscious, I feel I want to punish myself, I've considered burning my hands rather than have them wrinkled. I take ketamine alone to numb my pain, I know it may counteract my anti-depressants but its dissassociative effect it has is the only thing that gets me through my pain.
I tried to take my own life last year, my friends found me in my flat and called an ambulance, I was in hospital for a few days and since then I just feel in limbo, trapped. Trapped because I don't want to be here but I have a brother who is nine with autism and ADHD and I dad who I love, I've told him how I feel and I cry most nights imagining how they will feel if I were to take my own life and the impact that it will have on my little brother in later life. Me and my brother get on so well.
All in all... im scared at how I feel, I'm scared at how trapped I feel and scared watching others live their lives around me whilst I'm sitting in this world where I'm just existing. I don't know if anyone could suggest anything, I've tried re-taking up hobbies such as horse-riding but its just not the same, I'm too self-conscious to join a gym or go swimming. Ive tried counselling for some time, but sometimes makes me feel worse when I leave because I've had to dig deep and talk about things that are then on my mind when I leave.
Its been quite good for me writing this and getting it off my chest, oh god another day tomorrow.