Ok here goes... I'll try to make this as brief as I can. Need help.
Single mom here. Never married, on purpose (afraid of dating while raising a child). Now ready.
OK... was with my boyfriend 18 years ago for 8 months. In love romance, love love love.
Out of nowhere he broke up, said he needed to move on and get his career in order. Left me there standing crying.
16 years later, I joined FB one hour later I have a message. From him. My heart sank.
We began chatting, 30 min's into the chat he says he's married 12 years with one child.
OK... heart sank again. Got to go... not good to chat.
4 days later... writes to tell me his wife asked for a divorce, he's jumping for joy... she moves out... he's alone all of 2 weeks.
Hardest 2 years of my life: I lost my best friend and sister in law died overnight... my daughter got diagnosed with two diseases, and my dad (my rock) began going downhill and finally passed too, as well as my daughter had one of a few major surgeries in her future. WE began fighting badly over nothing... me mostly starting them... stressed to thebone. Financial ruins from med bills etc/ Upon my daughter's diagnoses we got into a small argument over pasta... he disappeared for two weeks... while we were at specialists daily determining how bad her diagnoses was... all entails. I cried daily about her and him it was all too much... abandoned worst time ever. I wrote him a letter , he came back.

When we were together we were madly in love... we are mid 40's, and were love birds and partners... when apart... the phone calls were sticky and uncomfortable, I'd misread his tone... etc. I never got through my resentment for his leaving... I tried.
One fight too many he "took a few days break" ( after he just gave me a RING).
Few days turned to 2 weeks and finally he broke up in an email. 3 lines.


We had our first date 3 weeks after his separation; hard and fast right where we left off 16 years prior. *mind you, never saw or spoke to him in 16 yers).
I brought him into our world, my daughter fell in love... he fell in love, WE fell hugely in LOVE again in this lifetime for the 2nd time. Meant to be... something movies are made of right?

It's been 5 weeks and nothing really... I called twice in this time and no pick up or response. My daughter and I are so so sad and confused... another death of sorts really.
You can't imagine... 2.5 years, a ring.. he was paying for my daughter's tuition and now she can't continue at the school where she's bonded to... I miss him and I know my part in this.. I was grieving beyond... for everything and didn't know how to deal.
I feel he makes snap decisions without thinking them through... he loved or said us so much... always doing for us... taking us... helping... our love making was it for both of us... never to look another way again.
What to do?
Thanks.

He jumped in too quick after his divorce and now it seems he's too much of a coward to break up as an adult,face to face.

I'm sorry for all your troubles,but there is no magic wand that will make it all come right again.

Tough as it is,you must carry on,trying to find solutions that will benefit your daughter and yourself.

Have you considered counseling?

You need to talk this though with a professional.

Take care.

It is a terrible thing to love a person, and have them either not being truly in love back. When all the words, actions, and deeds point to a supportive loving relationship, and then suddenly they sneak out the back door, you are left utterly confused.

This isn't about your daughter's illness, or the pasta. It is about a man who has changed his mind, and for whatever reason, is not the person you thought he was, or the person he presented himself to be.

He has distanced himself from you, when you need him the most, and thought you could count on him, and you can't. Maybe the silver lining here is that this happened when it did, and not five years and more invested time in the future.

You have been independent in your own right, and you are a strong person, and for now at least, you need to maintain your life, and the life of your child, as though he weren't in the picture. You know you can do that, and I believe you to put your daughter's needs first. In so doing, you'll realize she doesn't need this man in her life either, because her heart was also broken.

For whatever reason he chose to emotionally run, and not deal with whatever was going on within himself instead, should he contact you, or wish to jump in again, think seriously about setting some expectations.

I would encourage you to keep your distance, until he can prove to you, that you can count on him. He has to be able to be willing to work through problems, and communicate well enough that the two of you are on the same page in eachother's lives. The first thing I would do is tell him you won't consider allowing him back until he agrees to couples counselling. He needs to sort out his needs and wants, while considering your needs and wants, and if there is a compromise to be had, it will be through a therapist who can help you both reach the truth.

Wanting and willing to work for what you want, are two entirely different animals. The most basic common denominator in any relationship, is communication. If that isn't there, so that the problems can be worked through, you will end up eventually in the same place, with things not resolved.

I'd say the first thing he has to learn is that love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

I appreciate your responses so much. Well said. It's day by day here, I can't imagine getting out
And dating,but a little afraid of my secluding myself in depression. I am a very high energy person, a performing arts director and fitness professional. I inspire people daily on living, eating, working out and coaching kids. Before him, as a single mother, nothing got me down, I was alive and happy and was the person that people came to FOR advice on relationships. I guess when you're IN you're lost IN IT.,
After being celibate for 10 years, not dating anyone... I still was fine... on my own with my daughter.
He found me again. OK so I accepted. Against all my instincts... I should have just gone to coffee with him and got reaquainted for months.
At this point, I feel I need to see him face to face to say, "hey I loved you fully, and I was grieving, and confused on all of it" and let him see me allowing him to go do whatever he is doing. But I feel I owe it to myself and what we had to let him see my eyes again. I'm not an old shoe to be thrown out in an email. My own child says, it's not appropriate to break up in an email if you've gone on 3 dates... it's cowardly and disrespectful, let alone 2.5 years.
Daily I'm in excruciating pain, wondering if it's really over, or if he needs time to think and wonder about us. I have stuff there, he has stuff here... the 1000 pictures and videos we've made memories with, jewelry the RING he just gave me. UGH. I'm left with all of it. And he's purged.

I thinkyou are a strong woman and you will get through this,even though you feel you are going through hell right now.

Of course you're not an old shoe,please realise that you are worthy of a much better partner ,one who doesn't suffer from' emotional incompetence and overall coward syndrome'.

Take care of yourself and your lovely daughter.
<cyberhug>

History seems to be repeating itself for you two, and as hard as it is right now, you will get through this, and heal, and rebuild. Now don't keep doing the same thing over, and over, and expect a different result. That's insanity, and you have been there, done that before.

There is a blessing to this, you now see that you really missed nothing when he left the first time, and after you heal, you will miss nothing later, because after a proper grieving, you will get up, and rebuild, and be ready for something a lot more solid and fulfilling in the future.

Heck, you may get over the fear of dating others, and bring some good clean, adult fun into your life. Takes time is all.

I am so confused by your post. You dated him 3 weeks after his divorce and you daughter fell in love with him, but then he disappeared already? Was there a long period that you dated?

The way it reads is you were basically a rebound. He was going through a divorce and was probably romantizing about the past as we all do. He happened to find you on Facebook (the worst invention of our time, it never lets you move on, because the ex's are all on it). Once his divorce was complete, he hooked up with you to keep his focus off the negative that was taking place in his life. Once he was "stable" again, he moved on.

I think for you, it's sounds like the first relationship that ended left you with the "I don't understand why I was dumped." feeling that we've all felt, and I bet at some level you felt this waa a chance to show him he was wrong then. So you poured your heart into proving that point but when he left again you are back to square one, the question of "I don't understand why I got dumped?"

I'm sorry you've had a rough few years, but you can't find happiness and stability from somebody who themselves doesn't have it.