Entire story merged

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years recently had a break during my last semester of college. She had graduated previously and felt I was missing out on my last semester of having fun and didn't want to have to worry about me while I was at school.

Long story short we hurt each other during this time and are now trying to get back what we had. I figured once the semester was over and school was done we could be back together again and things would correct themselves without the added worries of college. But we currently live a good distance apart and it has made things tough considering she works weekends and I have a full time job during the weekdays.

Her trust in me has damaged and we are currently not together so she can get her life on track. She currently lives at home and is relied on heavily by her family, which puts a lot of stress on her, which I understand.

She told me she wants me as the father of her children, wants to live with me, and wants me in her future but needs to remember why it is she fell in love with me and to build back the trust we once shared.

So I ask if she is genuine or does it seem more like an easy let down so as not to hurt my feelings. She knows I want to be with her for the rest of my life but that isn't enough right now. It is tough to make my actions match my words when we can't see each other much.

Any other questions just ask and I can tell... sry for the wall of text.

"She told me she wants me as the father of her children, wants to live with me, and wants me in her future" but after all that and your time together, she still "needs to remember why it is she fell in love with me and to build back the trust we once shared"??

Why can't she remember?

How does she plan to "build back the trust"? (Isn't that YOUR department, if you are the one who broke the trust?)

I see this as her cowardly cop out or "easy let down," as you phrased it.

By the way, your post was wonderfully readable.

Hi guy, reality has you in a pinch, but while she is figuring things out, work on your behalf for your own happiness. Give her plenty of space.

Comment on Wondergirl's post

Well I am the one that has to build the trust back. The problem has been that up until recently my words haven't matched up with my actions. For instance I have communicated that I love her and want to be with her, but on the few occasions I get to spend time with her she will notice that I have messages from other girls in my phone for instance. Not necessarily bad messages or anything but things that don't reflect what I am telling her in a sense.

Basically she feels that if I really wanted to be with her I wouldn't be getting numbers from women that I may meet while visiting college friends , etc. Which I understand and makes sense to me, so I am correcting that because I want to and want to show her it matters.

I feel I only do stuff like that to fill the void she has left, but I want to make that change if that is what it takes.

And thank you for enjoying reading my essay :)

Comment on talaniman's post

Thanks for the advice. I know I should give her space... its just hard, which I know your are aware of. Is it best to cut all communication for some time, or to still keep some in moderation?

Comment on Wondergirl's post

Well I am the one that has to build the trust back.
What five things will you do to accomplish that?

The problem has been that up until recently my words haven't matched up with my actions.
1) I love her and want to be with her, but
2) I have messages from other girls in my phone.

1) she feels that if I really wanted to be with her I wouldn't be getting numbers from women, but 2) they are college friends.

Which I understand and makes sense to me, so I am correcting that
How are you correcting that? And ask yourself this. Is your girlfriend really being fair to you? Why can't you have female friends and be able to communicate with them?

I feel I only do stuff like that to fill the void she has left
Really? Or maybe there's another reason?

And thank you for enjoying reading my essay :)
You're welcome. I look forward to reading more.

1.) Given that she wants some space, so I won't be seeing her in person much, the only thing I can really think of to build trust is to just be honest with her when I talk to her. Make sure to let her know what I have been doing if she asks and maybe explain any thing that may instill doubts in greater detail.

2.) Stuff like the girls I agree with because while they may be women I have just met but have no intention of engaging in any activities with, there is no way for my GF to know this for sure, and because our trust isn't the best now, eliminating these issues is the best so she doesn't have any doubts.

3.) At a different juncture I would think that is isn't fair to me. But right now given that I am trying to gain her trust back, talking with women that she doesn't know, even if they are just friends, will only make things worse until our trust is re-established.

4.) You are right... I could be doing this for another reason, and I have myself also thought this a possibility, but honestly beyond a mere physical attraction to any of these women, there is no person I feel could give the satisfaction that my GF could now.

Sorry guy but this does not smell right at all. She doesn't get to pick and chose when she trusts you. If she doesn't because of some girls phone numbers after you have said HONESTLY they are just school friends then the trust is her issue, not yours.

When you tell the truth you don't have to prove a darn thing, and if she rather exile you, and instead of believe you then screw her. I assume you have given her no other reason to distrust you, so stop acting guilty about it, and tell her straight up, if she wants YOUR babies, she better learn how to talk about things, and not play the silly games she is playing.

Not to sound harsh, but trust cuts both ways, and if she needs space to resolve her issues then give her all she wants and when she figures it out she will call. That's what you do, because couple define the rules and boundaries of good behavior together, or they do it apart for themselves and not each other.

Give this a week and see what happens.

I agree with Talaniman (though it's hard for me to swallow tough love sometimes, haha).

Unless you're missing an important detail about how you betrayed her trust (which I would doubt because you're a good, thoughtful writer), I think she's being unreasonable and you're letting her and feeling guilty. I personally wouldn't accept my boyfriend being jealous of my male friends-UNLESS there's something to be jealous about.

This doesn't mean that you need to say goodbye to this girl-but I would second Talaniman's advice and give HER space while spending time doing what YOU feel good about. And I hope you come to the conclusion that, if she decides she wants to trust you again, you have your own boundaries as to who you are friends with and your own freedoms.

Good luck and hope this helps.

Thank you all for the input, it helps a great deal.

To Talaniman and southamerica:

The only thing I can think of is that during our break while I was at school I lied about some girls that I had hung out with... didn't have sex with but enough that it wasn't just talking, on a few separate occasions. Granted she had a few encounters that she also was slow to tell me about and I had to pull for.

We both accept that we hurt each other and I had thought were able to move past that. Given her trust issues that I knew she had before we were together, with sketchy family members and ex boyfriends and what not (I know who doesn't have those), I think the fact is that those couple encounters that I failed to tell her honestly about make her question these encounters that recently happened this past weekend when she decided to do this break.

In her eyes they have similar characteristics to what happened a few months ago and it is still hard for her to believe nothing happened (which is the truth). It may not be fair to me but it is just the way it is going to be.

It took until about today but I am finally out of the funk I have been in from this decision and feeling better about the situation. I want to be with her but I told her that I am fine and am going to do me and improve be behaviors for myself and not her and if she comes around I will be there and if not fine. So as Talaniman stated all there really is for me to do is give it time, match my words to my actions, and if she comes around she does and if not oh well, as much as that hurts to say.

Thanks for the input... if things change Ill let you all know, its been a big help. :)

If all else fails, you can always become a famous author.

They say waiting is the hardest part.

Don't put your life on hold. For anyone.

There's a big, beautiful world out there. Enjoy your freedom.

Haha thank you. Didn't really think my writing was that good. Guess I should reconsider.

Just a little update to the saga. Talked with my ex's brother the other day... after he wished me a happy birthday. Mentioned our whole drama and asked how things were going with her. He didn't know what her deal was but he did tell me this when I asked him about the whole situation:

"She is just busy with work and my mom up her ***. She will come around she told me you are the one, ****s crazy right now but don't tell her I said that."

So I guess that is reassuring to hear from someone other than her. Still doesn't make me feel any less helpful in the situation. Any thoughts...

Just continue on continuing on. Take care of yourself and find happiness in all the little things around you.

You have a good head on your shoulders, and a good sense of yourself. I admire you.

Thank you. I am trying, partied with my cousins all weekend at camp, but even then I still couldn't get her out of my head.

Oh, she'll still be in your head when you're 65. Trust me. Forty-plus years later, I can remember the full names of my serious bfs and can still feel their kisses on my pouty little lips.

When you're 65, I just hope she isn't taking up as much real estate as she is now.

As wondergirl states, just keep on keeping on. You seem to be doing a very good job.

Don't expect anything else from your ex. She needs to deal with her own drama and in the meantime you should enjoy life. If she ever comes around and wants to talk about getting back together, just be honest about what your expectations/boundaries are.

Never really thought about it along those lines. Do the "what ifs" ever pop up for you?

Comment on Wondergirl's post
Never really thought about it along those lines. Do the "what ifs" ever pop up for you?

Yup, they do. One guy ended up in rural Vermont, and that would have killed me. Another lives on a beautiful dairy farm with a lovely creek running through it -- had I married him, I could have had horses and all the dogs and cats I could have ever wanted. Another married a classmate, had several children, and recently "came out of the closet."

I could write a book.

@ southamerica - Thank you that makes perfect sense and I am trying to get to that point. The rough part is during the week since I work as a Graphic Designer so I am always at the computer and have plenty of thinking time/time to look on the web at profiles and such. I am thinking of removing her number from my phone and deleting her on Facebook just to try and speed up the process. And if she comes back during that time then so be it.

@ Wondergirl - That is a diverse range of results, definitely book worthy in my opinion :) . I guess it is new for me considering she is the first girlfriend I have really been serious with. Had a few others but have never had what ifs with them considering I new that we were not good for each other. She is different and as much as I would prefer to not have to find someone else, it may be out of my control.

I am thinking of removing her number from my phone and deleting her on facebook just to try and speed up the process.
Stop thinking about it and just do it! (as per Nike)

Will you do the artwork for my book? :D

Just did it :)
And I would love to do your book artwork!

I wrote a children's book (Hurple the Purple Yurple) and need artwork for that. And my book about my childhood imaginary friend AngelWolf needs artwork too. Can you draw a big wolf wearing an angel's robe and halo and wearing glasses and sitting with knees to chin at a little girl's tea table? Do you do ink drawings or charcoal sketches or Impressionistic-type oils?

Well I do more digital stuff now, but my background is fine art. I mainly did and do graphite renderings and some ink. Never did oil drawings. I could give it a shot, been a little while since I have done just traditional drawing. But either way it would be something to do to keep me busy right :)

All the Yurples are yellow, but Hurple was born purple. I had envisioned the illustrations being simple ink line drawings with the Yurples and Hurple (the odd man out) being thumbprints in purple and yellow. Is there such a thing as a yellow (or purple) ink pad? Otherwise, what medium could I use for thumbprints?

There definitely have to be purple and yellow ink pads. What kind of ink they would be I have no idea, but at the very least you could make them the same color, scan them into a computer and change their colors using photoshop. Something I have done on occasion.

Another question I have... Currently I am still pretty up and down on a daily basis emotionally with this whole situation. I know some of you have mentioned avoiding contact with her but I honestly feel better when I get to talk to her when I am feeling like crap. So what I would like to know is if it can be healthy to still communicate with her. Obviously I will try my best not to talk about us and our current situation to avoid causing any unrest, but more just small talk like how her day went and what not.

I asked her what she thought of the idea of getting a place together once I am done coaching baseball this spring, simply the idea of it with financial and job related issues aside. She said yes she would want to live with me, when she is ready emotionally and financially.

I know this isn't necessarily the best route to take, but hearing things like that kind of take the pressure off a little and make it easier to go on with the mindset that if things are meant to be they will workout in the end, and if not they don't. And obviously this could just set me up for a bigger crash in the future, but for now I am willing to have the mindset that if it is meant to be it will work out one way or another because I really do think she is worth that risk at this point.

When will she be ready emotionally and financially?


I will try my best not to talk about us and our current situation to avoid causing any unrest, but more just small talk like how her day went and what not.
Hmmmm, but then you said:

I asked her what she thought of the idea of getting a place together once I am done coaching baseball this spring
How is that "not talking about us"?

That is the million dollar question. Financially revolves around her getting a full time job, which she is trying to find currently. Emotions on the other hand your guess is as good as mine. Women's emotions have never been something I'm good at understanding.

Yes your right that was about us. I was implying that from this point if I keep communication open I am going to avoid those kind of things to my best ability. Sorry for the confusion.

Yes ur right that was about us. I was implying that from this point if I keep communication open I am going to avoid those kind of things to my best ability. Sorry for the confusion.
And you'll be able to block thoughts of the future from coming into your head? You'll be able to think of her as just another female friend? You won't hang onto her every word and later search through conversations, hoping to find a glimmer of connection and her missing you and a white picket fence surrounding a cute little cottage?

I know it isn't the most logical reasoning but for some reason having normal communication with her from time makes it a little less stressful and in a sense easier for me to move forward in an optimistic fashion. I guess you could think of it as slowly weening myself off trying to get back with her.

Now this could change in a week and I may not be able to handle it. I'm kind of just rolling with what works right now.

Again I understand that this logic may not make sense, which will become evident to me pretty easily if it does not work.

Weaning doesn't work well. I will watch your progress (or descent).

I have an idea.

Try kicking back, like you could care less, one way or another.

Happy-go-lucky style.

Try that for a while.

I have been trying to kick back and act like I don't care for a week and it has been hard. Lucky for me coaching starts this week so it may become easier to kick back and stay busy.

And yes weaning probably will ultimately fail. Just trying to get to that level where I can stop myself from wanting to talk with her.

And honestly just discussing this stuff with you guys helps a lot. So thanks for the input and ideas.

And honestly just discussing this stuff with you guys helps alot. So thanks for the input and ideas.
I'm glad we are able to help a lot. Please feel free to vent.

This blog helps me remember that "a lot" is two words --

Hyperbole and a Half: The Alot is Better Than You at Everything (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html)

Haha yea I always forget that one

Haha yea I always forget that one
Be sure to read that blog page about an A lot. It's very cute.

You are an awesome writer. I want you to be perfect.

Thank you. I appreciate the compliment.

Perhaps I should take up writing as a hobby haha

An advice book for guys who've been told that their girlfriends need a "break"?

Haha I don't know how good that would be. As you have read, some of my ideas aren't exactly conventional or "by the book"

Maybe a book about the extent of my relationship with her haha. There are definitely some moments worth writing about (and no not those kind of moments). :)

After my recent break/break up with my girlfriend of 2 plus years I have been given a lot of advice both from this board and from my friends.

A question I have is once the obvious period of grief and what not has passed and one finally does move on do you guys find that your newest love makes you grateful that you moved on and didn't look back. Or did that next one ultimately never compare and fell short.

I am referring to this next love as one that is not a "rebound relationship" and one that occurs after getting past the former break up.

Just wondering what everyone's opinion is on this, or even experience in this situation. Thank you in advance for your input. :)

Well if you feel like your comparing them to an old flame then they're not right for you and you should definitely NOT pursue any further with the person, its unfair to both of you, if you think its something special and you don't give the past relationship a second thought then it's a good sign I guess :)

Yes you are right. That makes perfect sense.
I am also curious as to what others have found comes of their first real relationship after breaking up with someone you have been with for a long period. If it doesn't work out obviously it could be considered a rebound relationship, but I am more curious of the ones where you don't compare them to the old flame, but still don't find them right for you.

Thanks for the input :)

If your gut tells you they isn't right then, they isn't right. Even if you have a niggling little voice telling you that it doesn't feel right then listen to it... you will know when a keeper comes along, trust me..

It's okay to remember your first love. My first love is still a good friend of mine. Oddly enough, my current boyfriend (a total keeper!) and my first love are really good friends now (they met each other through me... I didn't move on to my ex's friend, haha).

I don't compare my current with my ex. What my past relationship did for me is teach ME how to handle things better. For example I try not to nag so much, accept little quirks, and learn to love those quirks. I also try to understand when I'm being an unreasonable woman (sorry for the stereotype... I bring it up because I'm a poster child for it sometimes) and take a deep breath instead of continuing a silly argument.

So I suppose in that way I do compare relationships, but more as a measure of myself. I don't know if I could have done that right away. I healed for two years before I met my current.

There is always a blow to the ego when we break up. We are worried that we'll never attract another woman. When you do, it is almost like weight being lifted off your shoulders. But just because you found another girlfriend doesn't mean that moving on was a success.

In complete digression, the question of whether moving on works out... my answer would be yes. I am glad I went through the heart break, the sorrow, the self loathing and the feelings of loneliness after a break up. It shaped me into who I am now and I couldn't be happier with that result.

If you classify success in moving on by being able to find someone who is better than your last girlfriend, you're selling yourself short. Set out to learn from your break up, change certain things about yourself that you don't like and be a better person from the experience. Set out to become happier and eventually you will find someone who can't compare to your last girlfriend because you have changed so much as well.

In short, you'll find someone who is a better fit for who you are now.

@ adviceishere, southamerica, kctiger

Wonderful insight. I couldn't have thought of better answers myself to this dilemma. I guess in the long run it comes down to the simple fact that we do not know how things will work out after a break-up, but we have to have an active part in moving on from it to make the next time even better both for ourselves and whoever we hope to be with.

It is always important to remember that our happiness is our responsibility. Take care my friend!

Thank you

Break ups suck, every time I got dumped it sucked. But move on, I did and am very grateful to those who dumped me because, when I did find the one, its been great... for the last 35 years, any way. Never know what will happen tomorrow though, even after all this time.

The trick to getting dumped, move forward, not back, and don't get stuck, stay busy. Its still sucks, but the pain is only temporary.

I asked the wife what would she do if we divorced, and she told me she would buy a beamer, with her money, a new house with my money, and sign up for Match.com, for a new hottie. That sucked.

So mourn the death of the old relationship, heal, and be ready for the next one. Like I said, you never know what will happen tomorrow.

Break ups suck, every time I got dumped it sucked. But move on, I did and am very grateful to those who dumped me because, when I did find the one, its been great.....................for the last 35 years, any way. never know what will happen tomorrow though, even after all this time.

The trick to getting dumped, move forward, not back, and don't get stuck, stay busy. its still sucks, but the pain is only temporary.

I asked the wife what would she do if we divorced, and she told me she would buy a beamer, with her money, a new house with my money, and sign up for Match.com, for a new hottie. That sucked.

So mourn the death of the old relationship, heal, and be ready for the next one. Like i said, you never know what will happen tomorrow.

LOL your wife would be great at giving advice to people with broken hearts :D

I second that. You have one smart wife, talaniman.

I know :D:) :)

If some of you recall from an earlier post I created I had my girlfriend of 2+ years break/break up with me recently (about 2-3 months ago). She said she wants me in my future, but she is just unhappy with her current job and family issues to focus on us... etc (here is a link for all of it... full version (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-break-trying-get-things-together-some-advice-559383.html))

I have been doing good since and have been just trying to focus on myself and what not. This is where I come to my dilemma. Recently she started contacting me again realizing that she is starting to miss having me around and being able to see me. So she asked me to visit her at work one day while I was in the area. So I did, which hit each of us pretty hard... she felt a lot of her old feelings as did I. I still love her and do have feelings for her but have accepted the situation that we are in now.

Later that night I went out with my buddies and met a girl that was really in to me and wanted my number , etc. I gave it to her but the problem is she really wants to hang out with me and thinks that I am a rare person that she doesn't want to just walk away wondering "what if." I told her that I am recently out of a relationship and not really mentally ready to move on to something serious or anything in general.

Even after telling her this she still would like to hang out as long as I can handle doing it. So I guess my question is whether this is a good idea or not? I know I still have strong feelings for my ex and getting into anything serious with anyone else would be a mistake especially since we have started talking some again. But this new girl doesn't seem to care as long as I am honest with what is going on. I guess I see no shame in exploring it. Keep in mind this new girl is being very flirtatious and seems almost excessively attracted to me at this point. I have warned her of my mental state but now question if I should follow this any further.

It's pretty hard because I left my ex and starting going out with his friend after 4months and I got married with him! Bt now I cannot get my ex out of my head I love him so much that I don't know what I would do if I saw him in front of me so umm I think u should not get seriouse with anybody until u totally know you tried everything with your ex if she wants to. But just do things a little different from before. I wish I should have done that bt I'm married now =(

Thank you that is a good perspective. I guess the question I have then is given that I have told this girl I am not looking for anything serious, would I be a bad person for hanging out with her given that she really wants me to? From how flirtatious this girl is being I feel that inevitably we could end up hooking up if I do. I feel like this would be a bad thing to do if I still want to work things out with my ex... but given that right now I have done all I can with her and am waiting on her now. So I may as well have some fun correct?

Well,as you're already questioning it,it's not a great idea is it?

Heal first,and that means NC with the ex,not being there when she decides she wants to see you-you're not her puppy!

Your ex isn't trying to get back with you, she is keeping you around, and you both go back to a comfort zone with no commitment.

You may have warned her of your mental state, but you are still following her program, that's not all that honest. I see this as a danger zone of repeated disappointment. Watch yourself.

As for the new girl, be a lot more honest with her than you are with the ex, and if you can't enjoy meeting new people then don't be a stick in the mud. I get so tired of folks saying they aren't ready for anything serious, and see a simple meeting as cheating on an ex that dumped you.

I wouldn't make myself available to an ex that dumped me, unless the first words out of her mouth after she said she missed me was lets try this again, and I would still give it a lot of thought. That one way love just ain't for me.

I didn't tell my ex that I was in a bad mental state... I told this new girl that I was.
Having said that I understand where you are coming from and appreciate the response. Also can you see the whole second post? It merged them together and all I can see if my first question.

Thanks... I will see what I can do about that :)

Yes I can see all of your merged threads, and in the future you can avoid the time delay in the skin you are using by not starting new threads about the same subject.

To add, honesty with others starts with honest to yourself. Surely you can see that any contact with the ex stops YOU from using the healing process successfully. Why are you even talking to her, let alone hanging around her??

Thanks for the insight on the post thing... was really confused on that haha.
To answer your point... I don't know why, I guess it is some of that hope/false hope lingering. Either way if she does want to try again I would be better off making that yes or no decision after time not seeing or talking to her so my outlook is more objective and less emotional. Thanks your point makes sense.

You never let go of your ex. That takes time, sometimes. Or a slap. Different for everyone.

Nonetheless, don't rebound or enter a new romantic relationship until you are together with yourself, (ie: don't let ex's interfere)

In your head or otherwise...

Not fair to you or anyone. Will only cause issues. Like the ones you are experiencing.

Yup.

So just an update to my situation again...
Haven't talked to her in a couple weeks and have come to grips with the fact that I need to just try to move on. Met a new girl and have been chatting with her a little bit. She is great and I really enjoy talking with her.

Well once this started happening my ex contacted me wondering if I was still alive since we hadn't talked in a while. I said I'm fine but have just realized there is nothing more I can do buy do me and see what happens.
She replies asking me if that means I am moving on... Like it was something she wasn't expecting. She didn't seem to like the fact that it seemed like what I as doing. I told her I don't know what you expect from me. Waiting on her every call was only making me feel like **** and it was all I cod think to do.
So in short I am kind of surprised by her reaction... She is the one that has been going with the motto that if it's meant to be it will be so I don't understand why she is surprised with me trying to do me.

Ignore her.

It doesn't matter what her thoughts are;you keep moving on and get to know new people.

Make sure you're truly over the ex before starting a new relationship,rebounds usually don't work.

Thanks... I know I shouldn't start anything knew, and I already had this issue with another girl, which I new right away that I didn't want to pursue because I knew it would just be an issue.
But this one is different and has to this point actually made me not even worry about my ex and whatever she is doing.

There's nothing wrong with making new friends,just don't jump into a new relationship until you're ready .

Healing takes time.

Thanks... I know at the very least I need to take it very slow to make sure it will not be just some rebound type thing. It is tough because even if I do get past my ex, I still have that feeling of being the bad guy for not "waiting" for her because I feel like I owe it to her for whatever reason just because of how I am as a person.

You don't owe it to anyone to wait for them.

I think you stop thinking of yourself as the bad guy,after two months,it's a good thing that you're starting to get your life back on track.

Thanks... and I know I shouldn't, especially since she was the one to end our relationship. I just have that personality where I put others before myself and don't like to make others sad. But I know that is what I have to do.

It is dwid,respect yourself for who you are.

Amen!

Just a little update to my ongoing saga... (would have posted on my old thread but it has been closed, my own fault been a little lazy with the updates :) )

Just a recap... me and my ex of 2+ years essentially had a break/breakup, however she wanted to put it, a couple months ago So I have been on the slow path of recovery and NC.

At this point I just wanted to report that I have been doing much much better and have been able to keep busy with friends, family, and other personal activities such as the gym and sports. Summer has been good for me thus far as I have been busy every weekend meeting new people, engaging with women, meeting up with roomates at their hometown for some fun.

All is not perfect however as I constantly am unable to ignore the occasional messages from my ex. Mainly to inquire about how my summer baseball is going as she was quite fond of watching me play the past few summers. I now find myself responding more out of pity and feeling like I owe it to her. She has been through so much just with her family and job search beyond anything related to her our relationship that I find myself still caring for her well being.

I don't find myself not thinking about her from an "us" standpoint, but more from a humanitarian standpoint wanting her to find happiness in her life. Is this a usual feeling to have or is it an excuse I am making to myself to feel better about still responding to her?

Overall though I just want to state that I feel like I am making great progress... just wondering if this is one last loose end I have to tie up somehow.

Good you feel you're making progress-bad you still reply to her messages.

It's called clinging to false hope in my book,so-stop being her soundingboard and let her fend for herself.

You owe her nothing.

more from a humanitarian standpoint wanting her to find happiness in her life.
Good grief!

is it an excuse I am making to myself to feel better about still responding to her?
Yup!!

Just to clarify she rarely messages me... I am talking maybe once a week at most. I realize the amount doesn't really matter as messaging is messaging.

But yea I probably am just making excuses for myself to still respond to her. It's the "owe her nothing" part that is the hardest for me to get past at this point and really the only think remaining. Thanks

Haha I figured you would have a field day with that line Wondergirl.
Thanks for the input.

Haha I figured you would have a field day with that line Wondergirl.
Thanks for the input.

You have a bright future in the medical or social services field.

Well unfortunately that isn't the current field I am in haha. Maybe in my next life :)

As you see the old thread was reopened and this update was added to it, and thanks for the update

I have been following your good advice to others so, I know your on the right path, just make a few adjustments to be less available, and you should really feel good about how you deal with those messages.

Thanks... I figured you would pop this back on the old thread.
I Appreciate that you feel my advice to others has been good. Just trying to help out :)

I know I owe her nothing but from what I have gathered from majority of the break/break up posts on this site the majority of them involve the person doing the break-up getting involved with someone fairly soon after, which shows that it really is over and that they have moved on from the person they cut ties with.

What of the scenarios when the person doing the break up doesn't doesn't get involved with someone else or has no one that they have been talking to while making the decision about the break? Obviously the fact that they don't want to work it out together and chose a break says enough at times too.

the person doing the break-up getting involved with someone fairly soon after
And sometimes, the dumper has gotten involved with someone new BEFORE the break-up with the old boyfriend or girlfriend.

To me, it doesn't matter why I got dumped, all that would matter is what actions I took for myself, and for me its to leave them alone, and do my own thing without them. Plain, and simple.

Yes I know that can also be the case. I was just curious on everyone's opinion as I see a lot of these threads often have the person initiating the break-up getting close with someone right after or already are close with someone before the break-up.

Just haven't seen many where they actually stay single for a while after initiating a break-up haha

Agreed... just seeking some outside opinions on it :)

Hello dwidrick,

I read all the pages and I like the fact how you've moved on. How she's not constantly on your mind and how you express your feelings. You said that my actions are inspirational, but atm you've moved on a lot more than me. My ex girlfriend is on my mind almost 24/7.

How is the NC going?

Goodluck and it indeed seems that the majority of the breakers are involved with someone else very soon haha!

The no contact is good at this point. She occasionally messages me just to see what's up... Which I am still unable to stop myself from responding. Her family all loved me so they tend to ask about me still which I think makes it hard for her haha.

Thank you for the input. Glad to hear it :)

Unable??

Dwid-fingers slapped!!

No such thing as ''unable''...

Haha yes amicon you are correct. As usual :)

Consider your fingers un-slapped!

Here's a cyberhug >< instead!

Haha thank you... now all is well :)

So just a little update to the saga...

My ex showed up at my baseball games this past weekend. Wasn't planned, I had given her a schedule way in the beginning of the summer and never really expected anything to come from that. This kind of caught me off guard since I really haven't seen her in the last two months. Obviously just seeing her there brought back some of my physical attraction to her but emotionally I felt pretty much indifferent.

I have been doing great the last couple of months and any communication she has tried to start with me has not bothered me at all because at the end of the day I always new that she cared for me but did not want to be with me and couldn't be with me unless she got her life together and was happy with it and herself. I have come to grips with that and was and still am completely fine with that.

Well this was completely different on this day. She wanted to talk after the game so of course I allowed it (wrists need to be re-slapped). Long story short she ended up telling me that she no longer believed what she had been telling me a couple months ago. She feels that she is getting closer to her goals but doesn't want to get there without me. She wants get where she wants to be together and not by herself.

She didn't want to tell me this but felt she had to get it off her chest so that I knew how she felt. It caught me off guard as she has not had that outlook for the previous months. But at the same time it didn't hit me as hard as I thought... I have been focusing on moving on for the past few months so I really haven't had an issue not thinking about her because I knew she wanted to get her things together and I no longer wanted to wait around for that, and it was basically out of my hands regardless.

Why does life have to be so crazy haha.

And?

How does that r e a l l y make you feel?

(Never mind the slapping!)

I have wanted to hear her say that for the longest time... but in the couple months that I was finally able to let go I found myself knowing that I would be fine without her. Now I am unsure/afraid to want to go back to it. I know I don't want to just run back to her... its not that easy to just forget everything that I have gone through in these past months.

I actually feel kind of lost at this point.

Take time out and really make your mind up what you want to do.

You do know that you can be happy without her...

Problem is I have been talking with a new girl and let her in a little bit instead of using my head and telling her that I shouldn't. I never expected my ex to do what she did and really thought we were over and she would move on.
I will learn from this but I think someone may inevitably get hurt now and that is not what I wanted.

Perhaps I should tell this girl (who knows about my ex issue) that we should stop talking for a bit so I can clear my head.

Problem is yes-someone is going to get hurt.

Rebounding is not a good move-as the other person is likely to have expectations-never mind what they s a y.

It's never a good thing to become involved with someone when one has not healed 100 % from a breakup.:-(

I know... But I really did feel like I was over my ex. After those first couple months went by I never thought she would say what she told me this weekend and truly believed it was over. I barely thought of her and never was sad thinking of her or anything like that. So in my mind I felt I was OK to move on and talk with someone else.
Obviously if I am talking about it here that may not be the case :(

Too right-as long as you need to update on a regular basis,there are still issues.

Guess I need to break away from both for a little bit to re-evaluate.

Self preservation is the first law of nature.

You are on the verge of finding out your confusion is not about the ex, or the new girl, but where you are in relation to knowing about yourself, and how to cope with your own feelings when this crazy world affects/influences us. Just because the world, and the people in it are crazy, doesn't mean you have to be. Many of us older folks have gone through enough self discovery, and know when and how to protect ourselves against our own feelings.

You are getting there, but for now, be patient, as you learn to cope with those feelings, and confused or not, you will develop a plan that works for you, most of the time. Specifically, I would tell the new girl nothing, but would keep a safe friendly enough distance so I wouldn't get hurt, nor intentionally hurt her.

I stress it starts with some self honesty, as to where you are in the relationship with yourself. Its easy really, with practice, never follow your heart without discussing facts to go along with any intense feelings. That's where your confusion comes from, not knowing what to do about your own feelings. Nothing to do with anything going on outside of YOU!

So it matters not if the whole world is crazy. Its always about what you do about it. After you have defined yourself, to yourself, then you can define a strategy, and plan of action about dealing with this crazy world... and the crazy people in it.

Talaniman Rule - When you see a brick wall, think, before you run head first into it.

Of course you have to recognize it's a brick wall first. That's why self preservation is the first law of nature. Running head first into a brick wall damages your head, and prevents clear think, and gathering the facts... safely. The point is think before you act, on anything, so you don't hurt yourself. The brick wall is your own feelings, and banging your head against them will hurt you before that wall shows any signs of giving way.

Think of the best ways to cope with your feelings, so you don't hurt yourself.

I am happy with myself from the standpoint of my relations with friends and family, and feel that regardless of what happens relationship wise I am happy with that part of my life and always have them to keep me grounded. I think for myself I feel kind of stuck in that transition from college to real world lifestyle. I have a job out of college but I feel I still have some of that college mentality but at the same time want and look forward to that next step in my life where I can enjoy the "fruits of my labor" so to speak.

Thanks amicon and talaniman... you are both right and talaniman makes a great point about me still needing to figure out my own feelings. I don't really look at this incident as a setback as much as a learning experience because even though I used to date my ex... seeing her and talking to her almost felt like seeing her for the first time because I don't think of any of the complicated issues that caused our split before. So I know that our past issues wouldn't be an issue if we were to try again. But I do still need to figure out for myself what I am looking to gain from myself, not others.

If you don't stand for something (YOU), you fall for anything (THEM).

I understand that but is it wrong to want to take that next step with someone as opposed to on your own? Obviously someone you believe you want to with, not just who is convenient at the time.

It's always a good thing to be able to walk on one's own before attempting a tandem.

You're in transition-moving away from the ''college you'' into this so called real world-big changing times...

Understood... we shall see how it goes. Haha

Its not wrong to want that we all do, but those kinds of decision HAVE to be made after gathering facts, and not just going with intense feelings. Taking a risk is something best left for the self confident, who know what to do when a plan doesn't work out.

Those that are not self confident are afraid to take risks, so they live in fear, and learn nothing. But what if the one who YOU want to be with is unwilling, unable, to move to the next level with you? Its just not enough to want something, and a potential partner doesn't. What are you going to do, keep running head first into a brick wall? You have enough FACTS already to apply, and stick to the first law of nature.
Don't you?

Think about it, as this girls words sound great, but do her actions match? Or does she crack the door for you for her own personal agenda? You don't know, but you hope she is telling the truth. It may be false hope. Time will tell.

Thank you... that is the clarification to your earlier statement that I needed. I understood most of it but some of it was a little bit too philosophical for me to wrap my head around at the time haha.

You are right time will tell and you are right I do have the facts I need to this point.

I can get a bit carried away sometimes, can't I? :o

I'd rather have you a little carried away than not. That's what has made this site so helpful. Everyone wants to help the best they can.

I don't know guys I am kind of at a loss right now. Over these last 2 months or so I have barely thought of my ex and treated the situation as if it was over. This new girl I have really grown fond of but we haven't taken it to a serious level or anything.

And honestly when my ex told me that she wanted to be with me I was more indifferent than anything. When I left she was in tears and I didn't feel overly bad or good. I feel like it has been so long that I have almost forgot why we were apart in the first place and what it was that made us not work.

These are but residuals of old feelings triggered by your conversation (and personal contact) with her. Let them pass, without dwelling, or over thinking them, and you won't run the risk of making them more important than what they are, and feel the need to explore them further or act on them.

As to the new girl, GO SLOW, very SLOW, as just getting to know some one WITHOUT getting carried away, and committing to a stranger, will save you heartache, and problems later. Reality says that very few people leave a failed relationship, and have a successful one right after. So what's the hurry to start something that will fail, given the FACT you have not resolved your old issues from the last relationship.

Most people can't date without getting carried away, and get latched onto a new person very easily, and make them a focal point for their existence. DON'T! Avoid that trap by focusing on a social life that you enjoy, without commitment to anyone, no matter how tempting it seems. This gives you a chance to unpack your past baggage, and see ALL your options, and opportunities, and not just jump on the first thing that comes along. Make friends, and stay within the boundaries of good orderly direction, and behavior, so you won't be distracted, or lead away from your personal goal of healing, and improvement.

Thanks... and this girl isn't the first I have talked to since the break-up. There have been a couple before and one that wanted something more that I was not ready to give her. But I understand what you mean and realize I need to step back a little and not get carried away. My ex would like to meet up this weekend but maybe it is best if I avoid that and continue just chatting with the new girl and go about how I have been going the last month or so.

Avoid-the ex.

Step back-to where you were.

Like Tal said-get a social life that you enjoy-without ,however subconsciously,trying to replace the ex.

Ok?

Thanks guys... I realize even though I say I am good my actions show that I am getting a little carried away with some things. I will get back to the way I have been as of late... not committing to anyone and just enjoying the company of those who want it, and want to have fun with me.

Just wondering. Do you think its at all possible the ex has gotten wind of your adventures, and that piquéd her interest again? Or maybe she is trying to influence you away from moving on??

I have seen this more than a few times when you are unavailable to an ex, and jealousy, or selfishness is the main motivation, not love or caring. Hey they try to attract you back through boredom, just so you know. Many times when we get carried away, or confused by our feelings, we miss the truth behind words, and actions. All we see is what we want to see, or hear. That's why its important to have FACTS, before we make decisions, or get false hope.

Assuming, and presuming bites you in the butt, every time.

Well she asked from time to time how I was doing and I told her I was doing good and she says that's why she waited until now to tell me as she didn't want to ruin that for me. I did mention a couple of days before she came that I was talking to another girl but that it wasn't too serious.

She had tried dating and was talking to another guy during this time but was unable to forget about me and realized I am who she wanted to be with.

She didn't want to ruin it for you??

How noble of her-NOT.

And what a coincidence-this happens a couple of days after you mentioned the new girl to her-please don't fall for that old,pardon my French-BS.

Well to be fair she had been trying to come to my games before this weekend. This was her first weekend she had off. But I get your point.

She had assumed I was talking to girls since we stopped talking so I don't know that it is the exact cause. And she has always been a very proud person and to act the way she has been just isn't what I expected.

Ok so after the initial day of my ex showing up to tell me that she wanted to be with me and only me... and having really thought about her a lot that day, I find most of those emotions subsiding. I find myself thinking back to how we ended in the first place and how much of a hassle it was and how at times I did feel like our relationship got stagnant. She assured me that wouldn't happen again because we would have different mindsets, which could be true for the first short weeks or months but I don't necessarily by that.

I find it hard to think of the things I didn't like about her relationship and only remember good, which I feel is natural and unavoidable to a degree. But the farther away from that one day I go the less I think about it and the more I think about how much I am enjoying myself right now with what I am doing, who I am interacting with, and what may or may not be ahead.

Just a little update, not sure if it means much but figured I would tell you guys :)

For a failed relationship to work again it takes a lot of effort and a willingness to overcome that which went wrong.

I can't see that happening here,so I suggest you carry on with your new insights and your new,enjoyable life. ;-)

The good news, you have made a decision, and are following through with it. Thoughtfully, and logically, and handled your emotions very well so far. Keep it up, forever, and you will never be controlled by them, no matter the situation.

Trust your own judgment, and define what are YOUR personal boundaries of good behavior. That will be who you are, and what you stand for. Then you can deal with anything life throws your way. As you are seeing, letting the storm pass, is not a bad thing, but the smart thing to do.

Sort of proud of you. Be a bit proud of yourself, and stay humble.

Its not that I couldn't put in the effort... I just don't think I desire to anymore. It is much easier the way it is now as nothing is forced and feels right.

Thanks a lot... I needed that bit of reassurance as I feel telling her this is going to take a lot and won't be easy. But I think it is for the best. She is on the verge of finally getting the career she wants and she can get lost in that to help herself out. We could cross paths again in the future but right now I am happy with the path I have chosen and what it is leading to, and how it is making me feel.

Talaniman, amicon, wondergirl, and everyone else who has taken time to comment on my story have been a great help. I will keep you posted on how this turns out.

Just told my ex that I didn't want to try again with her. Hardest thing I have ever done. Makes me feel so bad.

Thanks for the support guys... Been a great help.

WOW, you catch on fast to the decision making process. Tell us why you did what you did, please.

Nows its time for nc. Long overdue really.
The more contact, back & forth w/her, the more anxiety.
Time to start a new chapter in your life.

I just tried to think back to why things went bad in the first place and some of the drama and didn't want to go through it. I have been happy talking with the new girl and didn't want to jeopardize that.

She wanted to meet me Friday to see how it went and I decided after a few days thinking that seeing her would stir up too much and set me back more.

Just wish I knew if it was the right choice... she tried so hard to get me to give her a chance and I said no. She hung on to some of the messages I sent her earlier in this process and hoped it meant I was still waiting.

I feel like I let her down. I know I shouldn't feel like that but I can't help it.

Your reaction is normal-as are your doubts.

She let herself down-you both let yourselves down-when you were in the relationship.

That was then-this is now.

Thank you for the support. I am sure in the next couple days I will realize better that it was the right choice. Right now my emotions are just getting the best of me I think.

Or hours...


Get busy!!

Lol sir yes sir!!

That'd be yes Mam!!
;-)

Haha sorry... wasn't being gender specific with that. But good to know won't make that mistake again :P

Hello dwidrick,

Just wanted to say that your action motivates me! I would love to be where you are right now, knowing you can have a great life without your ex girlfriend and that you like your life more now without her. It's impressive how time have made you stronger and to make a decision like this is very motivating.

Maybe you are in doubt right now, but I have the feeling you've made the right decision. When I read your message earlier about how you were enjoying your life right now and interacting with new people, I knew you made the right choice!

Just wanted to say this and enjoy your life! :)

Thanks I am glad I can inspire you as you have me. I just have to keep moving forward and enjoy the ride. Who knows my ex and I could meet up again someday but right now it just isn't the right time.

Keep working at your situation too... it will get better, I promise :)

Another update...

Been good since the day I told the ex I didn't want to be with her. Been enjoying myself and enjoying talking with the new girl, and hanging out with my buddies for some good times. My ex has actually been kind of annoying for the couple days after I told her the news. Been asking me weird questions if I find so and so cute, how she likes doing all these sex things that never seemed to be up her ally when she was with me. I find it quite hilarious and annoying at the same time because even if this is true and she has somehow 180ed on all that all I hear from these things are "blah blah blah I am trying to make you jealous."

But anyway looking forward to the weekend... going to visit the new girl and hang with her and some of her friends, do some swimming, beach bumming, who knows. Should be a fun time. Funny thing is that last few summers for whatever reason I always had drama with my ex during the big fourth of July weekend. I am looking forward to having none of that this time around. I have a very good feeling about it :)

Asking you weird questions?

What happened to NC?

Yes she asked them... never said I was responding :)

NC=no contact as in don't read any communications from the ex-delete without reading or block their number.

Ahhh OK... my bad I forgot about that part. Thanks for clarification. Guess I should have read the stickied articles again lol

Learn them by heart...

Yes ma'am :)