Hi!

I'm a 29-year-old guy who would like to get some advice from you. The point is that I'm trying to create a stable relationship (marriage in mind) but without much success. For example, I have been going out on a date with a girl [she's 21] I like ( 4 times so far). The first three times she appeared interested, whereas yesterday she asked me to remain just "friends". I don't know whether to write or call her again... On the one hand, she sort of asked me to express my feelings for her more openly (verbally). On the other hand, once I did that, she kind of lost interest and produced the " remain just friends" formula.

I don't understand: Do girls lose interest in me because I'm so nice to them, always well-behaved, cultivated? Or they might be interested just in material things?
Ok, by nature I'm a bit shy, (does this mean lack of confidence/security to them?)but a good talker, and with a good sense of humor.

What do you suggest?

Thanks!

When you revealed your feelings to her, did you tell her you were looking for marriage? What did you say?

You can't really create certain things when you are dating. It should be a natural progression. After 3 or 4 dates, it would be silly to assume that marriage is the next step, or to even consider marriage as something relatively close. Are you in a panic mode because you're almost 30 and you had this idea in your head you'd be married with kids by now?

Thanks for your comment!
Well, I forgot to tell you that we had been emailing each-other for about 9 months before meeting face to face, and she knows that I want a serious relationship (maybe her too?). I mean I don't want to rush things either: I just told her that I'd like to get to know her much better, and didn't bring up "marriage".
Tomorrow is her birthday, and I don't know how to react?

The one thing you should not assume, even after 9 months of emailing ,is that you know her or her you. In many ways you don't really get to know each other until you physically spend some time together... that's when she can see if the email persona you portrayed or she interpreted is reality and you for her as well. These can be confusing times.



One thing that stands out is the comment that she requested that you express your feelings verbally. This suggests that perhaps you are not being attentive enough? I agree with Kctiger... you can't create certain things when you are dating... but, generally you also need to pay attention, make some moves, and pursue the girl, show her a good time,etc... if you are shy,yes, these traits may not come through... confidence is a big thing when dating any girl.
All you can do in this case, is do what she requests... be her friend,get to know her... AND... date other girls! This girl may come around or she may not,who knows... just keep smiling,keep dating and the right girl will come along.

Yeah, I think you're right. I might have conveyed lack of attention on my part by not spending more time talking to her over the phone, or not getting closer to her physically speaking. I don't know...
Thanks!

You invested a lot of time getting a date, to bad it didn't work out this time. Send her a nice gift, and move to the next date. The good part for you is, you made a friend, and can build on that over time, while you date others.

Talaniman Rules- Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall!! 18-80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

Don't worry about marriage, or even a relationship, those things come in there own time. For now, just enjoy dating and enjoying getting to know all the females you can. Its about you having fun, and not conducting an interview for a wife.

Talaniman Rule-When you stop looking for love, and have a life that makes you happy, you will attract those who want to share that happiness with you.

Don't worry about being successful with girls, be happy with your life, and shy or not, you will meet someone... or two!

Can I get a copy of those rules? :)

In regards to attracting girls to you.

Try to be a little more reserved, still warm and open - but do not force your feelings on them, or give out too much information if they ask - because they will see this as smothering.

Let them initiate more contact than you, by doing so you will know they indeed wish to have some sort of relation with you.

This is of course only to attract them too you, and does not make ground for a good relationship, but just in the beginning don't share too much of yourself, women like to work for it. And they find the mystery intriquing.

In my early stage of dating, I've smothered 2 girls with my affection - both ran away.. :)

Comment on ken007nielsen's post

Thanks a lot for your comment. Yeah, I think you're right; she kind of felt smothered...

Comment on talaniman's post

Thanks a lot! I very much appreciate your comments!

One more thing here concerning your saying "Its about you having fun, and not conducting an interview for a wife". I don't think think I revealed everything to her. On the contrary, she kind of ' accused ' me of keeping myself to myself. I didn't tell her "I love you / I die for you etc". Just when she asked me to be more open about my feelings I let her know that I wanted to know her better, and that I had the intuition about something more concrete or stable expected to happen... Maybe, she didn't like the certainty with which I tried to predict this.

Again, concerning the "interview"... lol. I didn't 'interrogate' her either; nothing too specific about her past or her life! We have mostly talked about this and that. (She's still a student majoring in the same area I did).

Why do I get the impression that you are not American, or Canadian?

Cope with your rejections by not taking them personally, and not let them shake your confidence, or enthusiasm. Mostly it is about the females, and what she wants, or is going through. As the others have said, as long as your getting dates, and have a good time with them, the fact you haven't hooked up long term, on a deeper level is not important because chances are you will. Takes patience, is all.

I use to see rejection as the universe saving me from the hassle of drama with the wrong person. Yes I kissed a lot of frogs before I ran into my wife.

Dating is about giving the other person the opportunity to present themselves, (by being themselves) and to see if we match with the other person.

So it's not so much what you did that wenet wrong. You had 9 months of emailing and she finally came out to see you. Which means that she found something interesting about you during those 9 months. Furthermore, she came out at least 3 times, which means there was more she wanted to know about you.

Once you get the opportunity to meet in person, you just need to be yourself. If you two are going to click, it would happen naturally.

The result was that she lost interest not because of how you behaved, but because you were yourself and that doesn't match her.

That just means that you just need to give another girl the opportunity to get to know you. It doesn't mean that you will find your soulmate, but the more people you meet, the better chance you have of finding someone who matches you.

Lastly, I would hold off on the marriage thoughts. You don't want to meet each other thinking that she can be a potential wife. Whether you say it out loud to the girl or not, it put some tension because you're no longer feeling at ease, you're evaluating for a potential wife.

Comment on Talaniman post

Hi. Yeah, you're right. I'm neither American nor Canadian.
I'm from a small country in Southeastern Europe. I get you but here, generally speaking, girls have a lot of complexes about what they seek in a guy and the way they behave. I stayed for some months both in America (3 months), and Canada (5 months), but people there are more open about their feelings. I mean - all this from my perception for sure - they don't tend to complicate things... I'm not being a burr to her - at least, this is what I don't want to on my part, just wanting to make sure I'm not wasting my time with her. On the other hand, I stand rejected too.

Comment on I wish's post

Thanks for the answer. Still, I believe she doesn't know what she's seeking herself... which is quite common for a 21-year-old girl, I suppose. As you said, we' re quite different in this regard.

Talaniman Rule-Never get stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you

Yes, you're right but I really think I have fallen in love with her. I miss her a lot when I don't see her (except her photo on Facebook... lol) , or hear her voice over the phone. I think she's not completely uninterested either.
Should I ,as the last attempt, try to talk with her longer on the phone? This also considering the fact that I can't (due to her school schedule as well) meet with her very often (for example, on weekends I'm available but she travels to her hometown - where she actually lives).

This is simple, she has other priorities, so should you. Look around for better options, and opportunities


yesterday she asked me to remain just "friends"

What do your feelings make you have selective memory or something?

If talking to her would make you feel better, then give it a try. But just be prepared that she's not going to return the same feelings that you feel.

Yeah, you're right. I'm not sure about her attitude now either . Thanks again for your answers

Pardon, I don't quite get you. Do you mean: "Why do i have my mind set on her?" Or is it that I gave too much importance to this "remain just friends"?

After 9 months of talking to get a few dates, all you have is just friends. Be a friend, but stop hoping for more, and move on from the rejection. You have given this whole situation much more than it deserves.

Ok, thanks for the answers.

I just read through the entire article of yours and it was quite good. This is a great article thanks for sharing this informative information. I will visit your forum regularly for some latest post.
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