When I was 14 I had a part-time job at a care home. My manager was very friendly towards me, and I quickly warmed to him. One day I was talking to him about my backache (I was a cross country runner back then and used to get horrendous back pain) and he mentioned that he was a qualified masseuse with certificates to prove it, and would I like him to take a look? I remember being immediately shocked at this, not only because he was being so forward about rubbing my back for me but because he was my boss. I said nothing and it wasn't mentioned again for a while. Then one afternoon after I had finished my shift he brought up the subject of my back again. He said would I like it looked at. I don't know what made me say yes, but I agreed. He told me I had to take off my top for him to get a proper look, but it would be in a dark locked room so it would be OK. He got too close. He started rubbing my chest and then dropped his pants. I was frozen to the spot. I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. And I'm an idiot for not running away. But I was completely frozen with fear. I was 14 and had never done anything sexual before. I remember him talking to me about it afterwards, telling me that there was a line and he had crossed over it and I wasn't allowed to tell anyone or he'd get into trouble. Being an idiot I agreed and nothing was said. I carried on working there for a couple of months, terrified of him but equally terrified of speaking out. I told myself it was my fault and he had done nothing wrong because I let it happen by not walking away. Then one day he asked me to go shopping with him as he needed an extra pair of hands for groceries at the nursing home. On the way back to work he told me he had to stop at his house which was just down the road to pick something up, and that I might as well come it to save me from getting bored. Again, like an idiot, I agreed. To cut a long story short, he molested me in his room. He started to give me another back rub "to see how my muscles were doing" and that ended up with his hand in between my legs.

Now I know this sounds like an obvious case of sexual abuse but Im so confused. I'm not sure whether the fact I kep quiet throughout this and never told him where to shove it means that actually, he was technically doing nothing wrong. But on the other hand, I was 14, terrified and defenseless. This was 7 years ago and Ive not said anything since. Its just recently its really starting to affect me and I start crying whenever I think about it. You know those stories you hear when people have something reall bad happening to them and their memory blocks it out to help them forget? Well that's happened to me too, and this makes me doubt myself even more. I know what he did was wrong, but I'm not sure how far I am allowed to feel that what I did wasn't just as wrong.

I'm so confused and I finally need closure. Please help.

Statutory rape, I believe. It is sexual abuse. I would talk to the police if I were you.

Yes, contact the police.

It was absolutely not your fault. You were a minor. Even if you had said yes, he still would have been in the wrong. He's wrong on every level imaginable, moral and legal.

You might be able to get some closure through therapy as well. It helps to talk things through. And of course you're always welcome to talk here. There's always someone around to listen. It really wasn't your fault at all though. He had no right to treat you that way and you have every right to be upset over it.

Thanks for your help. I have thought about this but I don't know what good it will do as all I have is his name and a blurry image of him in my head. He could be on the other side of the world for all I know. So would the police actually be able to find him?

They probably could. Truly disappearing in this day and age is pretty difficult. I agree with the others, go to the police. For all you could know he could be abusing another defenseless girl, better to report him later than never.

You have his name as well as a former (if not current) place of employment. It's scary how well the government keeps tabs on us...

Please report him if you feel comfortable doing so. What he did to you is terrible and he must be prevented from doing that to another innocent child. I am so sorry that this happened to you

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to J_9 again.


It would possibly prevent this happening to someone else

If he were reported and an investigation started.


I suggest you report it to the police.

Firstly, I agree with all the above that you can and should report this to the police. It doesn't matter that it was some time ago. It doesn't matter that your memory is blurred. Both these things are far from rare for sexual abuse victims. If you read newspapers you will have seen stories of how when one victim steps forwards, more often emerge. You may not be the only one this has happened to.

Now I want to address your latter point. How are you allowed to feel? Downright angry. Outraged. Furious. It wouldn't matter if you had given him a written invitation - you were a child and he was both taking advantage of that, and banking on it being his safety card. He was knowingly breaking the law.

You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself on this. As someone who was sexually abused as a child myself I know how hard it can be to really believe that. But it is the absolute truth.

We have laws to protect children because we do not expect them to have the knowledge and ability to do so themselves. In addition to which we have employment laws to protect adults from this sort of situation because we recognise how difficult it can be to deal with someone who is in a position of trust and power over us. You were hit by a double whammy here. You were young and inexperienced and you were in a position where someone used their position as well as their age against you.

Not only should you not feel bad that at the time you were unable to tell him to 'shove it' but no decent human being would have needed telling that. Think of any decent man in your life, whether it is a relative, a pastor, a teacher - would you expect them to need telling that was the wrong thing to do?

This was 100% his fault and 0% yours. If you cannot convince yourself of that please consider having a chat or two with a counsellor. If you can't work this out on your own, I know with a little help you can. You didn't know how to get help when you were 14. Now you can. Heal your heart and the 14 year old girl inside you who is still feeling so bad.

If you want to talk some more we are here for you.

QLP - Thank you so much for your response. And for all who have commented I would also like to express my appreciation, this site is so helpful.

The fact that my memory is blurred, I must admit, is a big reason why I have not yet gone to the police. I'm scared that my memory of what happened (which I can best explain like a set of photographs) isn't enough for them to do anything, however I believed what I do remember is enough to show that this man was wrong and needs to be stopped. Southamerica is right, I have his name and his former place of employment and, as he quite stupidly took me back to his house, I have a previous address too, which is enough to try and trace him.

I just feel so angry at him, but worst of all, I feel dirty with myself - still, after all this time. I can't shove this feeling that things could have stopped a long time before they did if I had the courage to walk out of my job and tell someone about what had happened.

In my previous post I discussed when he took me to his house and what happened inside. This part of what happened to me is the most upsetting because as hard as I try there are parts of this that I can't remember. What happens if the police manage to track him down and he makes up a completely different story that I have no way of proving? I have no evidence other than my words. The bits I remember, HAPPENED, but the bits I can't remember make me so unsure of myself and how and why things managed to go on as long as they did.

After writing this post I lay in bed last night unable to sleep and racking my brains trying to remember what happened that day in the house. I remember lying down whilst he felt my back. But I can't remember how I got to lying down. I don't remember a struggle, so I must have willingly done it. What does that say about me? I feel like I was asking to be molested.I remember I was lying on my front faced away from him, and when his hands were between my legs I wasn't able to predict this would happen as I couldn't see what he was doing. I remember the physical pain that shot through me. But how had he managed to take off my underwear when all he was doing checking my back? I am 100% certain I never willingly took my underwear off. He must have taken them off, but my memory won't access how or when or whether he asked me or whether I was forced. I remember being petrified, but at the same time feeling completely stupid that this was now the second time I found myself in a position like this and again had done nothing to stop it.

Its mad. I remember ridiculously insignificant details, such as a large burn he had on his forarm and how he told me he had it from cooking roast pork and spilling some hot fat, but I can't remember things like how he was able to take off my underwear.

I'm so frustrated with myself because of what I cannot remember and the stupid things I can. I'm embarrassed to talk to the police as I think I sound like I was asking for it.

Reckless, if he did this to you, then he probably did the same and more to girls. You may find that you aren't the only one to accuse him. Even if the police can't do much in your case, you may be able to help other women or they may be able to help you. You could be one of the pieces of a puzzle.

Look into support groups and counseling. Talking face-to-to face with someone trained to help people remember painful memories could bring up details you have forgotten. Don't try to force them on your own.

As everyone else has said, always remember that you did nothing wrong and you aren't alone.

I am going to share some details about my own experiences that I have never publicly posted before as I want you to really know that I fully understand your feelings.

I was first sexually abused at about the age of 5 by a family 'uncle'. I actually shared a bed with this man, hard for me to believe by today's standards but not something my parents seemed to have a problem with at the time. Mind you my mum was a shizophrenic and my dad an alcoholic so not the most reliable parents. There are some aspects of that I still cannot remember. I know this because my first memory of it happening includes the realisation that at the time I knew it was going to happen again. I still wonder why I cannot remember the first time. Also, even though this man was abusing me, he showed me affection. Something I never got elsewhere. I was happy to cuddle my abuser to feel the comfort of receiving a hug. That screwed with my brain for a long time. It seems ridiculous to me now that I could imagine a 5 year old could have been 'asking for it' because she used to accept affection from the man that abused her. Yet some part of me felt that.

Years later as a teenager I was raped. A step-sister, who I might add was the most horrendous bully and twisted individual I have ever come across, and who resented the fact that my father had divorced my mum, married hers, and brought along his 2 kids, took me to meet her boss using subterfuge. The next thing I knew I was in his bed (his flat being above his place of work) and he was having sex with me. I had no idea how I got to be in that position and didn't have the wits about me to stop the proceedings before he finished. It took me a long time to even feel I had the right to call that rape as I didn't know what happened and couldn't make sense of it.

I later discovered that this young woman had played the same trick on other girls and that she had drugged their cup of coffee. I did say she was a nasty piece of work...

Whether drugs were involved or the trauma caused your own brain to block the details out I don't know. But it doesn't matter. Being young and naïve is not asking for it. At 14 you are supposed to be innocent and trusting. The twisted part is that some people will take advantage of that. Again that is what we have laws for.

Maybe it would be helpful to you to discuss this with a counsellor to some extent before you approach the police. I buried my feelings and memories for a long time and it was hard to work through them later and there are some things I think it is unlikely I will remember. My abusers are now dead as it happens, but if they were alive I would find the idea of the police knocking on their doors after all these years somewhat satisfying. Instead I take consolation that I now feel good about myself and was able to end their negative influence on me and will trust that karma took care of the rest.

All the things you are thinking about yourself are completely natural, but they aren't actually accurate. If telling us about it makes you feel heard and not judged and helps in anyway then please continue to do so. Please also consider talking to someone who is trained in helping people through this. We will try and help as much as we can but you deserve all the help and support you can get.

Can I ask about your relationship with your parents or other relatives? Is there anyone close you could share some of this with? Sometimes being heard and being reassured that we are still loved and people are on our side can make a lot of difference.

I could be wrong but there is nothing statitory about this. At 14 years old, its rape. Statitory rape is for teens over 15 (or 16 depending on what state law is) but younger than 18, consenting to the act.

This is rape. And he needs to be put in prison.

I am so sorry you went through this. I was raped when I was 11, and I didn't get the help I needed until I was an adult. And now it's a struggle that could last my whole life. I REALLY hope you go to the police, get him brought to justice, and get yourself the help that you need. You may not feel you need it now. But you do. *hugs* you can post here anytime you need to. I am here to listen.

Also, you only have 2 more years before statutes of limitations run out. It is 5 years after the minor turns 18 before they will no longer pursue him. So please, decide now if you are going to press charges.

As far as I can ascertain there is no statue of limitation for child sex abuse criminal charges in the UK. It would be at the discretion of the CPS as to whether they thought a successful prosecution was viable.

There is however a time limit regarding civil proceedings. Even then judges have used their discretion in certain cases.

http://www.parliament.uk/briefingpapers/commons/lib/research/briefings/snha-04209.pdf

Certainly it would be worth getting some advice on this sooner rather than later.

I think your right. And in cases of children (not teens) being sexually abused, there is no statute as long as it can be prooven. I'm sketchy on all the details though

QLP, I can't thank you enough for sharing your experience with me and I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. It is so much easier when you have someone who understands how you feel. You really made sense when you talked about how you would feel satisfaction by having police come to the door of those nasty pieces of work - I would kick myself if I found out it was too late. Talking on here certainly helps as I've never been very open and its kind of nice to be just a faceless person with a problem, although I do understand I should get some professional help.

With regards to my parents, my mum is an alcoholic who has a completely messed up relationship with me due to years of mistakes she made. I have not seen her for a very long time and hardly have a relationship with her. My dad on the other hand, is my hero, and has always been there for me, but as much as I appreciate him his relationship with me almost makes it as hard to talk to him as it would be to talk to my mum. I wouldn't want him to know. I find it easier to talk to people on here rather than people I know personally. I don't know if that makes any sense?

Can I also be completely clear that my experience was not "rape" as it was not forced sexual intercourse, but it was penetration using his hands. This may sound stupid but I am not sure how much less serious the police would take this? Or is it the case that because I was a mior and he was an adult and there was no consent it was purely a crime?

I don't know if this website will help you (I found it through the UK government website): Rape Crisis - England and Wales (http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/index.php)

From the website:

What is sexual (indecent) assault?

Sexual assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation, in the form of a sexual act, which is inflicted on someone without consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts, apart from penetration of the mouth with the penis, the penetration of anus or vagina (however slight) with any object or the penis, which is rape.Rape & sexual violence (http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapeampsexualviolence2.php)

They should take it seriously.

Even if you don't chose to go to the police, you need to seek counseling and support. We will be here to give you what advice we can and welcome you to answer any questions you feel like you can or want to (if you have any interests, we probably have a board on it), but you do need face-to-face support, too.

Great information Cat. Sorry greenied out.

Reckless, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think part of the reason you are worried about how the police may view this is because you yourself are still working out just how you view it.

You feel the crime against you is somehow mitigated because you didn't know how to stop him and it doesn't fit your exact criteria of rape.

I used to feel that what happened to me wasn't as serious as when a woman is violently attacked and raped. Somehow that made me not quite a proper victim who didn't have a right to be so hurt and angry etc.

What about the woman or girl who is violently raped in a dark alley which is what people often first think of when they hear whe word rape? What is she going to beat herself up about?
The fact that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The fact she was wearing the wrong clothes.
The fact that she didn't fight back hard enough.

The fact that she didn't die.

How much before the victim can feel no shame or question their right to justice?

What happened to you was wrong and was a crime. Let the police and the courts worry about the technicalities. All you need to work on is believing you have the right to tell them what happened to you and to fully take on board it was HIS fault. All his fault. No ifs and no buts.

I might also mention that if you find talking on a non face to face basis easier there are counsellors who will do telephone consultations which you might find easier to start with than an actual meeting. You might find that after chatting this way you would feel better about seeing someone in person and this might help you feel more comfortable talking to the police if and when you are ready.

You have been very brave coming on here and sharing with us.
I hope it is helping a little.
Now, can you be braver still and approach some sort of professional? You can ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor or you can simply Google counsellor and the name of the town or city where you live and do a little research yourself. Or you can access counselling from the website Cat has given above. Why not start by having a read on there.

Every step is hard but brings you a little closer to closure.

We are here for you to keep talking to, and if you want to share how you get on if you manage to approach anyone else for help we will be very glad to hear how you are getting on.