My daughter just turned 15. I was not in her life from 5 til13. Her mother and I split back in 2001. There was an incident involving domestic violence. We split her mother got married. My parental rights were terminated and the new husband was allowed to adopt my daughter. There was never an issue with my child. Through out the years I would right letter asking if my daughter and I could have a relationship. The custodial mother denied my request. In Nov 09 the custodial mother finally felt it was time for my daughter and I to meet. We met and our first meeting was great my daughter shared a lot about herself. She shared to me she smokes cigarettes, tried ecstasy, marijuana, and did what other kids do for fun take a lot of tylenol to get high. I took in the alarming news. I shared the information with her mother. At this point I went into over protective dad mode cause I was worried about my daughters life. Don't get me wrong her mom is a good mother she I guess can't watch her all the time.
I told her mother that I would be willing and free go see my daughter when ever she needed me. She replied your daughter doesn't need another one she has one... and that my daughters sole purpose was to meet her biological father.
Well from November to say march... my daughter and I saw each other about 5x each time I would always have a nice gift for her or some money. I felt at times I was an ATM... I wanted her to feel special... but the relationship was not developing. She openly stated that she has a father and I should not try to be her dad. This hurt.
I often told her I never turned my back on her and never would... she my princess and I will always have a life-long commitment to her no matter what.
After a while her mother and I began to bicker slightly... my daughter then lashed out at me... because of past and what she had heard. She also told me she ashamed that she has to go through life knowing I am her father.
We all cut off communications with one another. I love my daughter more than anything in the world.
I realized that that I have to be smart and patient; as a child she doesn't yet understand people change if they want to.. and I worked really hard at becoming a better man, better employee, just a better everything. I told her do not live in the past- we cannot change it no matter how we try.
Her birthday was early this month so I sent her only a birthday card. Two days later I sent her another card with a prepaid dollar amount on it. I sent her 2 dozen mixed bouquet of roses for valentines... told her no matter what we go through she will always be my princess.
This week I sent her a message on myspace and requested to add her on as my friend (lol)... I also told her I miss her and love her more than anything and because I never want to let her down again... she has always been my reason for growing and being a better man.
Today I got the message she added me on her friends list. That was like the best news I could receive. She did not send me any message or any thing just the acceptance.
I had been emailing her mother for a month or so to open once again the lines of communication... but she never responded. I also apologized for coming out like she was a
taking proper care of our daughter. I also asked her to allow me to show my daughter a nice vacation come school break time. I told her I would pay both their ways to a caribbean vacation and everything would be on me... I just want my daughter to have fond memories of me.
I don't know how to approach this issue. My daughter seems happier when both of us (biological parents) are there she not totally comfortable with me alone. That will come with time. Another issue is I moved from Michigan to Texas my daughter lives in Michigan so I feel a vacation wld be a great idea if we could all come to such an agreement. Any suggestions on how make this desire to come existence would be great. Ultimately I want my daughter to enjoy and respect me as her father.

Right now your doing more wrong then right. Have you ever heard the term disneyland dad ? You really need to be careful with that. Trying to buy your way back into her life only cheapens what your trying to do.

Concentrate on keeping the lines of communication open. Right now you have no rights over her so you have to tread lightly. But earning respect isn't about gifts its about doing the right thing. As she gets older she will start to see how the past is made. How its tied to the future but more important how it can be changed for the better. You still hardly know her and going to a foreign country with a stranger might raise red flags no matter who you think you are. Being a dad takes many forms and one of them is acceptance and looking to what is best for the child.

Here is just 2 links on the subject:


http://mediatormatthew.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-is-disneyland-dad-syndrome.html


http://solo-dad.com/31-dbbsd-day-3-avoid-the-disneyland-dad-syndrome

You have to also stop courting her, which is exactly what you are doing with roses and such. She doesn't see you as her 'father' so you are basically still just another older man, and a stranger at that.
Don't try to buy her affection
Don't court her like a grown woman
She is not your princess, because you don't really know her
You are not her father, because she has one

Get to know her slowly and quietly as just a person, when she wants to only, and mostly just listen.

Thanks for the info. I did not see things that way. Prior to sending the flowers I had done some research ahoy parents doing nice things for their children and due to the distance that seemed like a very nice jesture. I had also spoken to female friends and they stated that their father sent them flowers and it was very nicely taken. As far as the vacation I felt it would be away to bury the hatchett with her mother also provide the comfort zone for my daughter. I've read many times to just show my child I am there and to let her know she is very special. I also felt getting away form normal routine without cell phones would allow us to talk and put some building blocks for father daughter. I do not have any other children because I always wanted to be there for my daughter. After her mother and her husband slip my daughter began to have some really bad depresssion hence the drugs. I believe that is the reason her mother opened the door her and I to have a relationship.

Hey thanks for the link I was being a disneyland dad... it did not feel good. The relationship is what I really want... I have accepted the fact she has someone else she sees as her father she is blessed to have two men that really cares about her

You were not in her life, from age five, to age 13. Now that she is 15, you have had sporatic contact with her, but for the most formative years of her life, you decided to give up your parental ties, and that decision allowed her step father to adopt her. Adoption is a permanent thing, and I'm sure at the time, you were advised of your rights in this regard. You can't change your mind in other words, 8+ years later, no matter how much you've changed, and step into the role of 'father'.

While you may realize that what you did was a mistake, giving up your rights as her father, the only person to benefit from having a relationship with her, at this time, is you. You have already stated that your daughter wanted to meet you, her biological dad, which is not at all uncommon, especially during the turbulent teenage years, and more particularly when you are aware that your 'real' father is out there somewhere. Don't turn her curiosity into meaning that she needs you as a father in her life. Someone else fulfills that role, and has, for many years, and will, for many years to come.

And please think about these gestures of cards, money, flowers, and Facebook contact with her. That is not appropriate in my opinion. You should have had the permission and approval of her parents, before you have any contact with her, whether it be monetary in nature, or conversational in nature, via things like Facebook.

While you are trying hard to fulfill your needs to establish a father/daughter relationship with your daughter, it is important that you realize just how your actions affect her, and her mother and father, who have to deal with the resulting confusion, and probably arguments, and upset in the household, after the flowers arrive, and after she returns home with cash. I think her parents were generous in allowing you to see her at all, and somehow you've taken that as a green light to just keep trying harder to win this child over.

It is hard enough to raise a 15 year old. Particularly a teen that you've seen through turbulent times such as the drug use you've mentioned, and all the other mountains her parents have climbed to keep her under control, in school, and on the right path in live. Your involvement, can seriously undermine their efforts, if you continue with the way you have been going.

I would suggest that you should not do anything, without speaking first to her parents. She is a minor, and needs their permission, and is under their authority alone. Be respectful of them, and the bigger picture here, before you decide to do anything else, such as offer a trip for your daughter and her mother- which seems odd, considering your daughter has a father, and he is married to her mother.

You may find that a little restraint, better communication with her parents, and permission to contact her in any way, even a card, will go a long way in allowing you to keep up on your daughter's progress, and at the same time, make this easier on everybody.

Jake2008,
Thanks for the information. First off I never gave up my rights. I fought and paid for representation. Til the court of appeals... my attorney dropped the ball... it never should have gotten to that point. None-the-less it is what it is. The parents are no longer married. My daughter told me herself... her step father or adoptive father told here they made a mistake in keeping me out of her life. I told them (the parents) I have no hard feeling... I needed the time to mature and heal and I would cooperate in anyway. Which I have.

As is often the way it goes around here, additional information changes the entire landscape.

Do the parents share custody?

So is it safe to say that they are receptive, beyond the initial approval for the meeting with your daughter?

If all of you are on fairly good terms, all the adults involved, have you thought of a longer term plan?

Can you be more specific in what your goal is with your daughter? What do you envision happening with a relationship with her.

Considering the new information, I would advise you to proceed very slowly. She is only 15. While you have had the goal of eventual reconcilliation with her probably all of her life, you are still new to her.

I hope that as time goes on, and all the relationships (you, her legal father, her mother), can all find common ground, and it will only be to the benefit of this 15 year old to have all the love and support she can get.

But, I would again say, go slow. And check with her mother before any contact. It is just a respectful thing to do, and gives her a heads' up.

Jake2008,
Great advice. I will reach out to both her parents again. I will refrain from contacting her... and when things are clear I will go slow. My issue previously was I tried to do too much too fast... as noted previously I was a disneyland dad. My intentions are to help her be the very best she can be. I realize I am stranger to her... when she and spoke for the first time on the phone she cried... that meant a lot to me... I just wanted to give her world. Now I realize to be patient. I without a doubt we all will benefit from me being present in her life.
Thanks again for the fantastic advise which I am sure to apply going forward.