Hi, my boyfriend of 5 years, who has a lot of debt, after always being very needy and clingy and worrying I would finish with him (all in his head) did not contact me for 3 days and when I text him asking was he OK (he had been really worrying about his debt 28K) he told me he felt different, there was no going back and that he was so resentful of my ex husband (who I divorsed 8 years ago) and a another ex that ended 6 years ago, he could not come back , he was over me and I was behind him now! Initially I thought this was all him being emotional again and he does drink a lot, so thought he probably was a bit drunk.

That was a month ago, and although I have met with him about 3 times where he has been all over me and very loving (in the bedroom) he is still sticking to his 'its over' stance. We have both cried buckets and he says he loves me so much it hurts, but he is not changing his stance. He tells me to find someone else, he has nothing to offer me (coz of his debt) he does not own a house and has a really old car and has to travel a long way to work which costs him a fortune. He says he will move nearer to his job to save the £300 per month petrol costs.

When I ask him how can he expect me to just switch off my feelings and I have been very distressed, he says that he has been grieving over me for the past year (coz he said I am so wrapped up in my own 'happy' world) that he has felt neglected and knew I would eventually finish with him over the debt. This is not true, I am desperately in love with him and have apologised that I have made him feel so insecure and told him that whatever it takes, marriage etc. to convince him , we could make plans and start a new life with lots to look forward to... I could remortgage my house and clear his debts... he just says 'no' and that after a few months I would regret this and he would be hurt again and finish with him. I have tried to convince him that if I treated him different and take away his insecurities we would be very happy and learn from this horrible experience and that if we love each other we will get through anything... he still says 'no' . He drinks loads and loads and is often in a very dark place. I contacted the GP surgery for advise because I was so worried, but now his family hate me saying I had no right to speak to the surgery behind his back... but it was only general enquiries I made because I am so concerned with the amount he is drinking and he is not eating either.

He confessed he is texting a 'friend' someone who does not talk about the debt all the time and she likes to talk about football etc. He met her through work he said. I am not sure whether to believe him because he knew the only thing that would make me walk away is if he said he had someone else.

I have my own house, 2 daughters , a full time job and 2 dogs , one of which is a massive handful and is his dog really, he has left me with that dog and won't even discuss any plans of what I could do with it in the future.

I have text him over the past few days but he either answers me very angrily or ignores me completely even when I say, I can just be told in 2 minutes it is over and then behave like you have died, with no contact what so ever, it was valentines days recently and he did not get me card, I did him. He has turned into a stranger virtually over a 3 day period. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you

How much more do you have to hear? He is gone, as it should be. Someone that much in debt isn't going to stop amassing debt, and he has kindly absolved you of the disaster of losing your home at least once. Added to that is the fact that you dwell on his debt more than he wants, AND you went behind his back about his medical situation, a huge no-no. You may have strong feelings for him, but there is nothing compatible about you two on all the important fronts. Suffer no contact until the pain is gone, as we all do.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be with you and he's trying to get out of the relationship by putting the blame on you, by saying you will finish with him eventually and about you being in your happy world etc etc, and now he is texting someone else, that's an emotional affair he is having. He drinks too much and he's in debt, you clearly have a good head on your shoulders, a home and 2 children, I would put this down to a narrow escape, and please do not ever ever ever take out a loan for someone else or even suggest it. You will be fine on your own and the longer you've no contact the better.

Thank you for your response. I would like to think life is a bit more than someone's debt though, we could make it through, if people walk away from loved ones over this kind of issue, there would be no couples left they would all be single. I only asked the GP surgery general advise (not identifying him) because he told me he had weighed up suicide when he had been very drunk and he has been drinking full bottles of spirit... I am surprised his body has taken the abuse so long anyway. I am there for him, he always hid how he felt and was always the centre of the party... all our friends and family are gutted and totally surprised he feels this way because he hid it so well. My input with the debt was constantly reassuring him that we could sort out a plan to pay it back and take the worry away from him. He was divorced from his wife about 4 years ago where he had to take on a massive amount of debt from her so a lot of the outstanding total is due to her, but he took it on so he could leave her free of debt when then split. Even though people are saying he has done me a favour, I don't see it that way. Through thick and thin I say, I want him, not what he can provide for me. :-(

I can understand how hard it is but he's telling you he doesn't want to be with you, maybe you should just cut contact for a while, maybe he will miss you then and get in touch :)

Listen to me very carefully. This is not about what he has gone through, and is going through, or even his debts. This is not about what you want, or what he wants.

This is about what he is doing about what life is throwing at him. He has chosen to forsake love, and support for the comforts of a bottle, and that spells disaster, as alcohol is definitely a depressant. He needs help, and he needs to get it for HIMSELF, and no amount of love will change that.

You have to let him go, and leave him alone to find that for HIMSELF! Not what you want to happen, not what you want to hear, I know.

A very good source on the facts of an alcoholic on those around him can be found at Alanon, and give you facts, and insights as to how to handle the alcoholic in your life. You really do need to give him the time and space to deal with his demons, and keep a safe emotional distance fro this very hurt human, that has to get his head together to make some better decisions for himself.

Just curious as to what he gives as a reason his marriage failed?

He was married for 7 years to a woman who 'hen pecked' him, little love , married her when he was young and she was older than him. She was very bossy and they had become likes friends, which then turned to enemies. When he left her, she was very vindictive and spiteful. She ran up a lot of debt and remortgaged there house twice behind his back, because at that point his name was not on the mortgage but his salary was paying towards it.

People just don't up and leave a long term relationship over a debt they've had for years.
He's clearly starting a new relationship with someone else. That's how he's able to get over you so easily.

Yeah I know, that's what I had been thinking... it was such a massive change in a short space of time. He was talking to my closest friends at christmas saying how happy he was and all plans for our future and within weeks he had gone... and will not communicate now at all... literally it is like he has died and I have to comes to terms with it... I was probably caring too much trying to find answers to his behaviour. He kept saying to me 'if I told you I had someone else, would you walk away then' so I said yes I probably would... so he said ' well I am seeing someone else then' he then changed it to only texting someone else who spoke about different stuff than his debt etc. I need to read the writing on the wall I suppose, however painful... :-(

People don't just change over night. More than likely he has worked hard to put his best foot forward for you, but his true nature started to come out.

Sometimes we ignore the subtle warning sign, or are slow to pick them up, or not sure what we are seeing.

Hes got to be happy with himself before he can truly commit. To anyone. Be a loving partner.

Sounds like he never got rid of his baggage before he entered a relationship with you. Plus he's got an addiction.

Hes the only one that can fix himself. To start taking responsibility for his life.

I wouldn't wait around for him despite the time together.

After 5 years, I bet this isn't a new story, don't let it slide anymore. Let him coast along sobbing without taking responsibility for himself.

Hes not for you. Or anyone else at this point.

And not for you to fix. You and your kids are what's important.

Get out of this.