AM 25 years old now .I never knew my parents .I grew up in many hands and am still troubled and traumatized.
I was searching a long long time ,but no results until now. AM JUST tired... am afraid to sleep all alone am fighting with myself every singe day to get out of my trauma. I do not think I can live without a father ,I need more a father than a mother ,cause am still angry against my mother even without knowing her.it hurts to be left lonely ,it hurts to live in troubles ,fear and pain without parents... I know am not a baby anymore ,but I really want to get adopted.. this will make me happy and normal as woman xxx

When I go to bed,am afraid to switch off the light ,very hard to close my eyes ,I can not even asleep . I do not feel safe. I got something against my mother I never knew -the person I miss more,is my daddy I never knew either... I need a daddy -i really want to get adopted -its the only way for me to be happy -do you think there s any chance for me?

Have you tried to get help for your past traumas? You may be a bit old for adoption, but if you get some help with the healing process you could very well form some healthy friendships with good father figures.

The healing has to come first though.

When you say you were raised 'by many hands' what do you mean- many relatives? Was there one person, or two people, like grandparents maybe who were your primary caregivers?

Also how long have these thoughts and feelings you've described, been evident in your adult life, and has this worsened over the years, or have you recently been through a bad relationship?

While you cannot change the hand you've been given in life, your identity seems lost in the past, and you to want to be adopted now, leaves me wondering why, at this stage of your life, you are thinking that will somehow solve problems.

Is it a matter of wanting, needing to be loved, and to love in return? Have you had any loving relationships? Do you have friends in your life that love and support you, or relatives? Do you enjoy your work; what do you do for yourself such as activities, hobbies, interests.

Without a better picture, it is hard to know why things are so hurtful and why you are so down about everything.

I hope you will post again.

Thank you first - Well I went to see a psy ,and he asked me to make myself friends - but they are all after sex -(oh listen you are so pretty ,so cute we can't have you as friend without making love)but for me there s no sex between friends -so ,because of this,I do not believe in fellowship anymore.Am a singer - I play in solo acoustic and I really love it -Music is the only thing I can so.about my grand parents ,I never knew them .I grew up with many people(06) in different places - 4 passed away - and I loose all contacts with the others. AM lesbian,I made love for my first time with a girl when I was 16 ,well I do not know if am still it ,cause I met a man 27 years old, 3 months ago ,he lives so far away and comes some times to visit me .am in love with him but it hurts too -cause I would love to have him beside me... I need some presence .I got so much love and affection that I really want to share ,was my dream to love somebody-but I realized that love hurts really -am not a paranoid

Yes, I agree, love hurts, and it is an unfair risk you take- we all do.

I know now better where you are coming from- thanks for the insight. That you are a singing and playing guitar, in my opinion, puts you in a more creative emotional place, than the rest of us.

You are not alone in experimeting with sexuality either. Many women I know, and know of, have, when they were at University, experimented with same sex partners. It does not mean you are automatically gay because of one sexual encounter. And it is good you have a love interest. Maybe the lonliness is both a place of safety, and a place that you want to move on from.

Many who survive trauma, either during their childhood, or into adulthood, find that at some point, the shadows of the past have to be resolved one way or the other. To keep thoughts alive and active without dealing with them, can really hold you back from finding new, emotionally satisfying relationoships, without the baggage always creeping in.

It is easy to say, just get over it, it's in the past, but we all know that changing how we think and react to what has become such a part of our lives, is not an easy task. And the memories that hold you back, are also responsible for that searching that continues, to fill the void, that most of the time, cannot be identified. Is it love? Companionship? Nurturing? Protection? Unconditional love?

But, regardless of anything, the way you are thinking about your life, is keeping you from learning how to put the past in the past, and move forward into the future without that constant shadow, or cloud over your life. And there are ways to do that.

There is a therapy called CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is therapy designed to guide you through the thinking that is holding you back, and to learn the tools to free yourself, because it is solution based. It is daunting to think of letting go, but, it is worth the hard work, to see that cloud dissipate, and the sunshine return.

I don't know that I'm in the ballpark here, still trying to read between the words, but, I do definitely get an impression that you are stuck. Do you see yourself this way, and have you tried any kind of counselling so far. Is it something you would consider?

whatcha mean with now u know where I come from ?I spook with that man I love - he told me that his mother doesn't like black girls ,she wants him to marry a white and rich girl.. and that when she ll learn that he has me as GF,she s going to have an attack -his friends are against the fact that am far away ,that am a Rasta girl from Jamaica so ,for them Dangerous as women. What do they know about me ? This hurts too -and so much... they thought he ll fall in love with a classic girl*i find it very limited .Last time when he came to visit me,he also told me that there s many women in love with him where he works... since that day,I can t sleep in peace -he works everyday with those women beside him /and me , where I am ?so far away from him =what do you say about this?

What I meant by knowing where you are coming from, I meant I understood a little bit better as to how and why you feel the way you do.

I'm not sure if you have considered any of the suggestions I've offered.

I can't answer to your long distance relationship with your boyfriend. On top of everything else, you are dealing with this too.

I do hope that you can find a way to sit and talk to a counsellor, face to face. I don't know that you will find answers here, but maybe others will post and offer more help and suggestions than I have.

All the best to you Tracy, I hope things work out for you.

I say protect your heart, I think you are lonely, insecure, and worried. I think you want something, and miss something. I think you are vulnerable, and you need a good understanding friend. I know it hurts. You have a well to do white boy, but he can't give you what you want, only words, and very little action, nothing of what you need for your own soul, like a band aid on a deep gash. Its safe, but unreliable, and distant. Its not enough, but what are your options? Not that great from where you sit, but a small ray of hope is better than none.

That's what I say. I also say don't give your heart to a stranger of only three months, and think this is an answer. Its not, it's a quick fix that doesn't go deep enough, but as I said, its better than nothing, or so it may seem.

Sorry, but you have to rely on yourself. Its up t you to explore your world without the filter of those feelings you have been carrying around for much to long, so you can see that you have options, and opportunities, if you let those old feelings go, and see your own strengths, and your own solutions. Those old feelings are what have weighed you down, but if you unburden yourself, you will find how strong they have made you.

Then you can stop waiting for a daddy to adopt you. Then it won't hurt to take care of yourself, and be good to yourself. I think you know all of this, but just don't know how the healing process works.

You don't need a lover, just a very good friend.

Thanks Jake -u helped me a lot already / I just want to be happy -

Comment on talaniman's post

So for you I only need a best friend than a lover? Am sorry but I do not agree/ am going to give you my reasons :u know ,in this life we all need love,we all need sex-but for me, I can't fall in love with a friend ,I could never make sex with a friend even if it's a good friend of mine-to enjoy good sex and love,I need a lover you know am an adventurer - I made 16 countries and I ve try to make myself friends in each country ,no good result ,same thoughts (all after sex) There s no good Friend - but there s true lovers with true and deep love - I need a lover ,not a good friend-
Do not make the difference between white and black men -do not judge -cause if am with a white man,it because I prefer them , I have more feeling for white men/ than black men .Yes I can stop waiting for a daddy -but I can't stop waiting for a lover /

I believe in love -and I know there s someone for me

There's no good Friend - but there s true lovers with true and deep love - I need a lover ,not a good friend-

What happens when the sex is no longer at the passionate heights it starts at?

What happens after the realities of life have dampened the lust?

Are you confusing the physical for the emotional?

Not judging your preferences, or your methods. They are yours, I only point out, when the sex has waned, what will be left to carry whatever it is you want into the future?

Sex fades, love grows. Both are intense feelings, but if your lover is not a friend, then how can that survive the test of time. Has it ever? Not yet it has NOT.