So I have been dating him for about 2.5 years. He has never been that into sex. Over the past few months/ years our sex life and passionate time together has come to a screeching halt. When we are in bed at night, I try to passionately kiss him and run my fingers through his hair or rub his back, and he always just pecks me and says goodnight hun I love you. Sometimes I will even get on top of him and lay on him and he pushes me off. Now I am being honest, I am not ugly or fat or anything… as in like he isn't disgusted by me physically. I just cannot figure out why this is happening. When we do have sex, its very quick, or dryly too long, when its only from behind, or just spooning where there is almost no passionate kissing or anything. I feel almost like I am being used. I am not saying that orgasm is the most important aspect of sex, in fact I have looked past that for the past 2.5 years, but I'm saying I wish there was some drive, or passion in the act.

Recently it has gotten better. I don't get denied nearly as often… granted I now have stopped initiating and feel quite deflated ego wise. He refused to have sex though more than once a day.. and if I do initiate it (if I get up the courage to now) he always says “hun we already had sex today”. It hurts so badly because making love is supposed to be about the joining of two people in a way of fully expressing love and intimacy physically and not through words. If you want the person why would you not want to be with the person. This happens all the time, because I see nothing wrong in wanting to be passionate in the middle of the day and then at night as well… what does it hurt?

But a month ago I talked to him. I told him that its not about orgasm or climax. It's the fact that I feel so unwanted and so used and that there is no passion or love coming together when we make love. I told him that I feel horrible using this example but, I have felt more passion and intimacy from one night stands. (I promise there are not a lot). He was very upset about this and says that we just are not good sexually together and that he does not mean to make me feel like this. My concern is that even actors know how to fake passion and fake intimacy… why wouldn't he act passionate or intimate if he feels it towards me… its not like he doesn't know how, it's a natural thing.

I feel like I'm kissing someone who is constantly pulling away from me, who is becoming air, and who is doing this only to pass time. When we do have sex, he pulls me on top and just lays there, I feel like the man, almost like it's a chore. It hurts because I am so incredibly in love with him and want him so so badly, yet I have never felt that back from him, even though I know he feels that way. He even told me that “babe you know how I feel towards you” but I told him I need to feel it. I feel extremely selfish even saying this because the last thing I want is a pitty party, but it hurts to have the man who you love the most in the world not want you to feel that back. Its been 2.5 years since I have felt sexually wanted or anyone passionate towards me, and it hurts so so badly. I have overlooked my own needs because I love him so much, and I do everything for him and am there for him… yet he isn't ever passionate and barely ever initiates something. I can't go to bed another night laying next to the man I love and feeling so sad because I never FEEL it back. I need someone who wants to SHOW me how much they love me, and someone who wants to kiss me so deeply and never let me go… and someone who will make love to me and not just bang me to get it over with. But I'm so in love with him…. And he thinks that he is being passionate. … What do I do?

Two questions:
Is he as emotional distant from you in the other aspects of your relationship?
How old are you? I believe you're over 18, but... just need to know.

It may sounds simplistic, but why not try to find someone who can and will meet your needs, instead of hanging on to someone who shows no signs of changing in 2.5 years?

Most man like women who like physical intimacy and sexuality, so it is not a very tall order.

I realize it may be extremely painful to you, but this all looks very clear-cut to me.

Sincerely,

Tina Miller, M.A. aka SocialPsiTina

21 and he's 23, and no he's no emotionally distant in fact he's se amazing in every other regard, which makes it quite difficult

I'm actually hung up on the part where you say 'he will only have sex once a day'

Once a day is actually ABOVE average. It seems like you have a much larger sex drive than many other people.

Have you thought about getting yourself some toys to help curb the sexual appitite that you have when he is spent. Men are not like women. Where women can make love and climax an unlimited amount of times, men need time to recouperate, they end up exhasted where we end up energized.

My advice would be to get some toys, or simply stimulate yourself manually when you need the release more than once a day.

Good luck hon.

This may seem harsh, but please give it some thought (I have.)

Aa, where to start? You seem to believe that physical intimacy is the only way a couple connects or a man shows his love and affection. It isn't. The actual physical act is a small part of the whole.

I think you need to look at how you define intimacy and affection and look for other ways to express it than sex.

You have made making love all about getting your needs met. Your need for connection and intimacy. Your need to be needed and wanted. Your need to feel special. Your need to feel love. You have turned it into a chore for him to satisfy your needs. You seem to want him to be a vibrator that loves you. Do you really want faked passion just so that you feel 'wanted'?

When you talk to him about sex, do you tell him how you feel and what you want? Do you listen if he tries to tell you what he needs?

Can he show you affection without you trying to turn it into sex? Do you ever show him affection without making it about sex?

Keep in mind that many men can't keep up the pace of multiple times a day without their body getting exhausted especially if they have jobs, school, and other things that have to be done. If they are physically and emotionally drained, they aren't going to be up to a lot sex.

Wanting your partner is a wonderful thing. However, just because you want someone physically doesn't mean you have to act on it. Just being with the person and sharing a moment of calm and peace can be more satisfying emotionally than getting it on like rabbits.

You love him a lot. Show him that by listening to his needs and working together to find what works for you as a couple. Show him that you care about him as more than a sex object. Let him show you in his own way how much he does care about you as the person he wants to share his life with.

How often are you having sex? I am getting the impression that you're getting maybe once or twice a month at best, but rereading it has be doubting.

I do agree with Cat1864 for the most part, you seem to be confusing sex for physical intimacy. You want it and your needs aren't being met. So now you're fixated on sex and your boyfriend is probably really feeling used.

About your boyfriend. What is his life like? Is he stressed? Tired? How well do your schedules match up? Is he on any drugs, legal or otherwise? Do you guys do much outside of the bedroom? Or is it mostly spending time in the same room but not together?

You are being a little selfish here in my opinion. This could be his way of rebelling and asserting a little bit of control.