I have been married for 10 years and we have three wonderful children. My husband owns his own company and is very talented. He is very helpful around the house when need be, and a great father.

Over the past year our lives have started to change. He is always asking for sex, in the past I have always done my best to make time for his physical needs. My problem is when both enjoyed it he plays out how we can do it again and make it better.

When I say no, he doesn't understand, I have told them that it makes me feel like the first time didn't even matter. He compares our sex life to what it was when we meet and I've told him how that hurts me. I'm not the same and the balance in our lives have just changed. On average we have sex 4 to 6 times and that's not enough? On top of it all we workout 5 days a week together and spend a lot of time together. When I tell him I'm having lunch with a friend he will call several times for nothing but a play by play. I have been brutally honest in telling him I feel like I can't breath but he says I'm being mean. He is one of those when he calls and I don't answer he will call the other phone until I do. By the time I pick up the phone I'm angry and he can here it in my voice.

He also has my FB account on his phone and when I've asked why he just doesn't have an answer. I don't have an issue with it because I have nothing to hide, but I don't understand it? I have been honest when an x added me as a friend. I asked to add him for a simple haha in the x face moment. He said no so I left it alone. Then awhile later I seen he befriended a girl he had a crush on but never dated. I couldn't help but to say something because he me told not to. He told me he would delete her, but I didn't even mind I just didn't understand.

Then a month later he deleted his FB and has been asking me to and I say no. I love him more than anything but I can't take the coming home early asking me what I'm doing when he knows my schedule I'm starting to get resentful and I've told him all of this and more on other little issues so that we communicate. I don't know what else to do I'm not perfect but its draining trying to reassure him I love him.

I just don't know what to do he is everything to me but his insecurity is killing me. I don't want to be hateful to him but I'm starting to be how do I not, when I feel smothered?

You can either go to a specialist in relationship mediation (don't call it marriage counseling, which sounds too much like you want a divorce to some people), or you can sit down with him and work it out as though you were both counselors.
After 10 years, sometimes bargaining has to happen. On average, women lose interest in a lot of sex and men don't. I think you need to bargain with him: you agree to sex 5 times a week + one time twice (or something) and he leaves you alone when out with friends (women friends, right?). And so on. Make lists and 2 columns and treat it like you are taking a course. Think how much money you'll save!
I know it sounds cold to trade so many times of sex for freedom, but it's just a stepping stone to an understanding between you, and faster than therapy to get to why he feels jealous and why you feel that second sex demeans the first one. You can discuss that late at night before you fall asleep.

Since it sounds like you have tried everything else, I am going to suggest Marriage Counseling. Perhaps in a different setting, he will be more open to listening.

If he is unwilling to go with you, you can start going by yourself and hopefully he will join you later.

You can also try writing everything down and letting him read it if you think he would pay more attention to the written word.

I have to disagree with 'bargaining' in this case. It doesn't seem like the amount of sex is the problem as much as his critiquing and trying to live in the past. I would not feed into that attitude.

It is one thing to want more sex because it feels good and both people enjoy the intimacy. It is another to be made to feel like you are inadequate and then expected to 'perform' again. Intimacy, also known as sex, is not a dance routine to be done over and over again because one person thinks it can be 'improved'. Intimacy also should not be used as a 'bargaining chip'. He already has an unrealistic view of 'making love'. He doesn't need any encouragement to make it more of 'business' proposition.

He needs to understand that his insecurities are causing problems and that HE is responsible for working on them alone and in the marriage. Unfortunately, it may take thinking he is losing everything to get him to face that understanding.

That said, Do Not make ultimatums or anything along those lines unless you are willing to follow through with whatever happens.

You are frustrated, he is afraid. It keeps you both from connecting through communicating because its hard to see, and understand your partner, through the lens of your own feelings. Yes things have changed in your lives, and the only way you can adjust is to understand the changes in each other.

I think the disconnect has to do with your busy schedules which takes you apart to be honest, and the lack of quality time when you are together. You should be older and wiser, and not rushed frustrated and afraid. Be aware when you are hurt from his words or actions, you assume its personal, and miss what the words or actions really mean, so we make up a scenario that fits the feelings, or get distracted by our hurt, and fail to simply ask, what do you mean? in a calm way of course.

Many of us can talk and express what we are feelings, but the challenge is in the listening, and as important, the reaction to what they express. Just saying but when you don't understand, do you ask what he means, have you expressed a desire for more when he conks out? Or do you presume, assume, and take it as a personal affront?

Your husband is in need of attention, full attention, NOT sex, or when you have time in your busy schedule. When was the last time you had sitters and been on a real date? Had time to enjoy each other without rushing off and dealing with other things? Bet its been a while.

Its pretty simple as you both have stopped doing what it takes to stay connected, and bonded, and drifted into the dull routine of just being married with kids, instead of maintaining the bond between you, and let the marriage sustain itself.

Yes life and reality can change as it grows, but how can the connection grow without proper care from you both. Or has it been so long you have forgotten about that bond? Or distracted maybe? Or both!

Get back to the basics, and grow from there. You use to understand him, and he use to be not afraid, remember?

Bargaining is just a cut-to-the-chase word for compromise. Long term relationship counseling is all about compromise. You accept a few things you don't like about someone in order to get what you do like, and you work on the few things that really drive you nuts. Many marriage counselors use this approach over lots of talking and analysis. They give you talking exercises to use on each other about what you want and need.

Many a woman compromises on sex after many years. It really is bargaining now matter how you slice it.

Studies have shown that men need non-sexual praise and admiration very similar to what women need. One area that wives neglect is the husband's 'prowess' at their work; the proverbial bringing home the bacon, even if they aren't the only or primary breadwinner. Other areas women know well - looks, dress, brains, wit, etc, are needed too. Working on such praise could possibly decrease his need for lots of sex, who knows.