My husband and I have been married for 14 years, we have 2 wonderful children and during this entire relationship I have always felt as if he truly didn't love me. Sometimes I think that it just moved too fast for him and he wasn't able to stop it. Within a month of meeting we were moved in together and 7 months later we were pregnant with our first child. We have had a very rocky relationship, we have been split up several times (maybe 8 times) and almost got divorced within our first year of marriage. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex, doesn't talk to me about anything important (would rather tell his mom), and when I discuss my feelings- he shuts down. He won't even tell me how he feels if I ask him any questions about our marriage. I have tried counseling, he won't go. I have tried church- he doesn't believe in it. He talks bad about me to his mother (she thinks I'm a terrible wife and the worst mother she has ever met, we no longer have any kind of relationship, I'm embarrassed to think of what he has told her).I have had surgery recently and while in the hospital he only came up there once, during my recovery he never once asked if there was anything he could do for me or how I was feeling. I'm a tough lady, but that really hurt. I heard him talking on the phone to someone and the only part of the conversation I heard was ' no , I haven't even asked her, I have no idea. Why should I? She seems fine to me, and I don't want to.' when I told him I heard what he said, he said 'i'm sorry' and tried to leave it at that. I told him how hurt I was that he didn't even seem to care about my well being and that I deserved someone who truly cares for me, and is thankful that I'm his wife. I was totally appalled at his reaction. He had no emotional reaction. I have always given him the benefit of the doubt ( 4 different fathers growing up) thinking that he didn't know how to love, but he is a grown man. He's in his 30's and should know by now what love is supposed to mean. I have done everything I can to prove to him that I love him and that I will always be here for him, but I'm having second thoughts here. If he hasn't learned, or even tried to learn to love, why should I stick around and wait for that? He is so hard to read, he would rather talk to his mom about important matters regarding raising the kids than involve me. When I asked him why he calls her (or his friends) and talks about different things but doesn't talk to me about it, he says he'd rather talk on the phone than face to face. I asked him if I needed to call him from the other room, he laughed and said 'yeah.' I have tried to ask him if he's truly happy with me , or even proud to call me his wife, he says yes, but it doesn't seem like it to me and I don't want to be the one he blames for having a terrible life, or blame me for being miserable. What do you think? I've tried the date night thing, ended up with no conversation.

I'm not so sure he's being mean. It sounds like he may have Asperger's syndrome. There are a bunch of clues that indicate it. Have you ever read up on that?

Yes, I know what that is and he doesn't show any of those signs, he knows what he does wrong ( no eye contact-says he doesn't like it). He doesn't like routines (cant keep a job) and knows when I'm upset. He just doesn't seem to care.

What "signs" are you talking about?

inability to recognize facial expressions, no rituals that he has to do, have very good motor skills, ---yet he does have Lack of empathy,Peculiarities in speech and language; and preoccupation with a subject

First of all, the Asperger's spectrum is huge. He doesn't have to have all the signs or even most of them. In your first post, you rattled off a bunch of adjective phrases that made me think immediately of Asperger's. Now, if your husband has Asperger's, he probably loves you very much and is actually very devoted, but doesn't show it like a "normal" husband would. All of the Asperger's individuals I've ever known sound very much like your husband.

1. i have always felt as if he truly didnt love me.
2. sometimes i think that it just moved too fast for him
3. the only time he touches me is when he wants sex
4. doesnt talk to me about anything important
5. (would rather tell his mom)
6. when i discuss my feelings- he shuts down
7. he wont even tell me how he feels if i ask him any questions about our marriage
8. i have tried counseling, he wont go
9. i have tried church- he doesnt believe in it
10. he talks bad about me to his mother (you might want to rethink/relearn what he says to her about you)
11. we no longer have any kind of relationship (did you ever? how was it?)
12. while in the hospital he only came up there once
13. and 14. during my recovery he never once asked if there was anything he could do for me or how i was feeling
15. 'no , i havent even asked her, i have no idea. why should i? she seems fine to me, and i dont want to.'
16. i was totally appalled at his reaction -- he had no emotional reaction
17. thinking that he didnt know how to love (he doesn't, by "normal" standards)
18. he is so hard to read
19. he would rather talk to his mom about important matters regarding raising the kids
20. his friends (how many does he have?)
21. he says he'd rather talk on the phone than face to face
22. i asked him if i needed to call him from the other room, he laughed and said 'yeah.
23. [he] doesnt seem like it to me
24. ive tried the date night thing, ended up with no conversation.
Add the other things you mentioned, and... physical clumsiness (won't go dancing or bowling and never liked playing sports in school), lack of eye contact, sensory overload (anxiety attacks in public places with lots of people, wraps up like a cocoon in his blankets at night? Doesn't like loud noises of pops and bangs such as fireworks, sirens close by), concentration/obsession on one topic or thing yet lack of focus generally, prefers not to touch/caress/kiss, doesn't initiate conversations easily unless he really knows the person well, is very literal, insists on set routines, doesn't realize there are other people walking around in the world, is in his own world a lot of times and can't get outside his skin to be in yours and imagine how you think and feel, may have only one or two friends with whom he has a rock-solid connection, say, car repair, or just left from childhood, doesn't make friends easily and even refuses to go to social outings, etc.

Being married to an Aspie can be rewarding, but first you have to figure out the pitfalls and learn how to walk around them.

Wow, that's him. He just enlisted in the army, so I'm interested to see how that goes. Before he left he told our oldest son " if you guys dont want to move you dont have to because now i will have money from the army and i'll be set for life. i'll actually be able to get a lot more done without you guys there." what kind of person says that to their own son? I just found this out the other day, but my son has been carrying this around with him for almost a month now. He was ashamed to tell me. He thought he would get in trouble for what his dad said to him.
He did play football and wrestled in high school

he did play football and wrestled in high school
Those are both "brute," very large-body, muscle sports that don't demand fancy movements and footwork and fast reactions/thinking (like basketball or tennis), so thus would attract an Aspie.

I'm not sure about his Army comments, not sure what he's really thinking. How old is he?

Sorry but I see two people who started in lust, and stayed because they were trapped, and didn't know what to do. After 14 years you know nothing about him, and while I feel your frustration, I have to ask how long YOU stayed in counseling? I have a lot more but need to know why you have not helped yourself, because you both sound like you have reached a point of desperation.

Sorry but I see two people who started in lust, and stayed because they were trapped, and didn't know what to do.
She has never mentioned lust. If he's truly an Aspie, lust is not in his vocabulary or even evident in his behavior. She said this:

during this entire relationship I have always felt as if he truly didn't love me
Aspies are terrible at expressing their feelings, are very literal. If you asked an Aspie how he feels, he would probably reply, "I was cold earlier, but now I'm quite comfortable." To an Aspie, a romantic dinner or conversation would be discussing a telephone office mainframe or the workings of his car's carburetor or how to develop a black-and-white photo so it has a grainy appearance. The sex act is rote with a minimum of caressing and kissing (if any).

Her description of him is "on the money" for Asperger's.

"it just moved too fast for him and he wasnt able to stop it. within a month of meeting we were moved in together and 7 months later we were pregnant with our first child."

LUST.

"it just moved too fast for him and he wasnt able to stop it. within a month of meeting we were moved in together and 7 months later we were pregnant with our first child."

LUST.
I betcha that wasn't what she meant with the "moving fast." I bet she meant their dating and involvement. I'd like to know how much of an instigator and leader she was, and if he just followed her lead.

If she couldn't keep his hands off her, he probably isn't an Aspie.

Uh Oh, we seem to be getting on the same page, so now we need to know about his relationship with HIS father, and how they were ready to move together after a month of meeting. Those are dates I never had.

But I have to be honest, because any time a post is all about one, and never about another, my antennae get raised very fast. Which is easy considering my thinning fast hair.

But I have to be honest, because any time a post is all about one, and never about another, my antennae get raised very fast. Which is easy considering my thinning fast hair.
I don't believe in "diagnosing," especially someone I've never met, and do my best to bite my tongue. But I've been married to an Aspie for 43 years (just figured it out two years ago), and she described my husband in her posts. And HIS dad was an Aspie too -- too many bull's eyes on the Asperger's target to ignore. Oh, and my husband and I have an autistic son, but not Asperger's, we don't think.

In defense of Aspies --

If your husband is truly an Aspie, he is very likely greatly devoted to you, but in ways you don't understand, just as he does not understand why you are worried. An Aspie's brain is wired differently -- not in a bad way, but in a way that is difficult for us "normals" to understand (just as he cannot understand us). For instance, an Aspie is very literal. He may say to his mother, "Billy refused to brush his teeth last night," and his mom would extrapolate from that, "She is not a good mother because the kids don't mind her."

I'm guessing he is very loyal to you (Aspies don't seem to understand what it means to cheat) and would throw himself in front of a bus for you (after he calculated the dimensions of the bus, its weight, and at what angle he would have to fling himself into the roadway).

Aspies are usually quite smart and creative -- note Bill Gates, Einstein, Van Gogh, Keanu Reeves, Joaquin Phoenix, Dan Aykroyd, Glenn Gould (pianist, composer), Stephen Spielberg, Temple Grandin (famous farm animal activist with a Ph.D.), Andy Warhol, and so on. You see that your husband, if he's an Aspie, is in good company. He will be loyal to a fault, is always honest (Aspies can't lie), and will always be there when you need him (but you have to call him and tell him what to do).

Okay... you're right. When we first met it was lust. But when the sex was over, we used to talk about anything and everything. When we first met he would hold my hand and tell me I was beautiful. He was proud to introduce me to his friends and I thought it would always be like that. That diminished rather rapidly over the next two years. As for counseling, yes I did go, but they told me that I didn't really have anything that needed to be addressed on my end, he said I was emotionally stable and that it could just be a phase in our marriage-as they tend to go through. My dh refused to go with me. He is 34 years old. He says that bootcamp is fun and he's meeting a lot of new people and having a great time. I don't want to burden him with relationship issues while he's away (i.e. the comment he made to our son) because it wouldn't be fair to give him more to worry about.


Being married to an Aspie can be rewarding, but first you have to figure out the pitfalls and learn how to walk around them.

HOW? What do I do?? I feel like I'm the only one in this relationship. I would love to know how to make this work. I have loved him from the minute I first saw him, and I don't want to divorce him. He means the world to me, I'm just fed up with not feeling loved.

His 'Dads' never told him that they were proud of him for anything throughout his life until the week before he went to boot camp. His biological father lives 2 hours away and he has only been in his life since the birth of our first son. The second dad adopted him and raised him, and never hugged him, never said he loved him, treated him badly and withheld money. The third- I only met once. The fourth---dont get along too with each other.

OK... so the lying thing... he's been caught several times telling lies. About stupid stuff! Once he told me that he went to the same city a sister of his lived in for a delivery he had to do for his job, told me they went out to lunch together and talked for a few hours. Well, when I talked to his sister, she hadn't seen him in months. I asked him why he lied and he said he didn't know, it just came out. He's constantly telling me lies. Stupid white lies that don't make any sense. And he embellishes everything ! Its got to the point that if he says its snowing outside- I have to go look for myself. He says he's going to do an errand for me and never gets around to it, a thousand excuses as to why he couldn't.

Wait a minute, he actually is in boot camp now?? How long has he been gone??

Do you think he's an Aspie -- or perhaps there's something else going on because of his upbringing? I don't want you (and me) to be unfair to him by labeling him this way or that. If he's an Aspie, he should probably get an official diagnosis from a doctor simply to begin a paper trail. In the future, he may be eligible for SSI or some kind of disability help. Counseling still might be a possibility, maybe two or three sessions, just as a baseline for the two of you to figure out where to go from here.

Saying he will do something and then not doing it, not getting around to it, is not lying. My husband is an Aspie and has a long list of home repairs that he has promised to do but hasn't gotten around to yet. The more you describe your husband, the less he's sounding like he has Asperger's. For instance, I could understand a fantasy about joining the Army and shooting guns, but signing up and going into boot camp ("meeting people and having fun" -- Aspies are asocial and don't have fun as we know it) doesn't sound like something an Aspie would do too quickly.

He's been in for 12 days now. I think the only reason he joined was because my brother went in and is now graduating from the Green Beret and he was jealous. As for the lying----its stupid. He told me he was taking a trip to visit his mom in November before he left for bootcamp, and when he got back he would still have a job. Well... he quit his job before he left. Didn't even tell me. He left us with only my income to get us through until he gets a check from the army in February. We are now 3 months behind (barely keeping gtv/internet on) on everything. We've gone through what little savings I had to keep food on the table.

hes been in for 12 days now. i think the only reason he joined was because my brother went in and is now graduating from the Green Beret and he was jealous. as for the lying----its stupid. he told me he was taking a trip to visit his mom in november before he left for bootcamp, and when he got back he would still have a job. well......he quit his job before he left. didnt even tell me. he left us with only my income to get us through until he gets a check from the army in february. we are now 3 months behind (barely keeping gtv/internet on) on everything. we've gone through what little savings i had to keep food on the table.
He sounds too sneaky to be an Aspie. Aspies don't lie and are very transparent. Something else is going on. Now I'm clueless.

Well... what do I do? Like I said I've tried counseling but he won't go.

Can you go to counseling, even for just a few sessions? I don't know where you live, but most social workers/counselors/therapists have a sliding scale or will work out a plan based on your income.

I have a date set up that I can talk to my pastor, hopefully that will shed some light. When I got married, I was 19 and it was for better or worse. I don't want a divorce but I don't know how to handle this. The house has been so much calmer since he's left. There is hardly any arguing, definitely NO yelling or cursing ! I hate to say it, but its nice here. I like coming home now! So if its not aspergers, what do you think?

Now that you've mentioned all the dads and the various ways they treated your husband when he was growing up, his attitudes and behavior could be connected to that part of his history.

I suggest you do your best to write things down in a logical way, like Dad #1 with descriptors, Dad #2, etc. Also, write down things about his mom and sibs that you know of. List your husband's attitudes and behaviors like you have here. That will also organize this whole thing for you too.

He sounds impulsive and a bit unrealistic.

Yeah, I've kept a journal of everything. I started it because of how he began treating me. I wanted to see if it was just a phase, but it really hasn't changed. When he knows I'm serious about leaving him he begins to show affection, but its only for a brief few days. And then its right back to the vicious circle. I deserve to be loved, cared about, and talked to. I'm not looking for 24/7 attention--i like my space too, but when I feel uncared for and the reasons are validated, its hard not to think he doesn't love me. I've given him the benefit of the doubt for over 12 years now. I thought that because his mother has had all those relationships he didn't really know the meaning of love, or how to express it, but I know that's not true. He's in his 30's he should have an idea of it now. I know he has anger issues because of how he speaks to our oldest --he threatens him with abuse, he's never hit him or followed through----he knows my kids come first to me. A lot of our arguments are based on how he treats them. He's verbally abusive to them. He's never said anything like that to me, he knows I can fend for myself. But the kids cant.

He may have an idea of love now, but it's really difficult to overcome who you've become since childhood -- especially if you don't acknowledge there's a problem and don't work hard to overcome anything.

Yeah... I know. Thank you SOOOO MUCH for chatting with me. I was grasping at straws. I know I only have two choices because he doesn't leave me any others. Either stay with him and try to adjust to his ways or leave him and move on with my life. I really want to save my marriage but if he's not going to put forth any effort I can't force him too. There have been many times that I have had 2 jobs trying to keep a roof over our heads while he's been at home playing video games all day. I do love him. But I love myself and kids too.

Then an unbiased party like a minister might be just the ticket to help you get your thoughts together and make a decision. Like you say, the children are your first consideration.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you- it was nice to get this off my shoulders. Thank you for your time and thoughts, I appreciate every second of your time you gave to me. You are wonderful!!

Sorry to have misled us with the Aspie thing, but your description of him was so right-on at first.

Take care and please come back to this thread after you've met with the minister -- or if anything new develops -- OR if you just want to vent. I'm retired now, and a huge snowstorm is expected this week, so I'll be right here at my computer trying not to drop cookie crumbs onto my keyboard.

Hopefully this boot camp will give him the discipline he needs to hold a job, so he can get his confidence, and self esteem, and not take his frustration out on you, and the kids. Its very difficult in life to grow up with little or no love and guidance. But he got lucky when he got a strong woman.

He is frustrated, and resentful, and undisciplined. No coping skills, or people skills. And worse he can't see what he can accomplish. But he can turn himself around with the proper motivation. I think this separation will do you both a lot of good, and he is in good hands, and in a good place.

Comment on Wondergirl's post

LOL ! Thank you so much! Will do!!

Comment on talaniman's post

I hope so too. I'm not sure what he thinks about the 'strong woman' thing though. I wish he would realize who I am. I work, don't spend money, good to the kids and I love him. Always

OH! And THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!! I appreciate your time and thoughts. Id be lost if it weren't for your inputs. You are a wonderful person! Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you!!