So, I don't usually do this... But, I've never had a problem like this before. So here we go...

I'm 18, and I've been dating my girlfriend since the summer after 8th grade. That's some real history right there, 4 1/2 years. Now, I know what response this will provoke... I'll get a "You need to be with other people, you've only been with one girlfriend blah, blah, blah" Yeah, I'm aware. Not trying to be a jerk, I just don't want advice not telling me what I already know.

Anyway, we have been really happy in High School. We had a couple problems in our earlier years, but senior year was pretty damn close to perfect. We are so comfortable around each other, I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. Anyway, High school ended in May and the summer still kept things rolling fine. We were both happy, we went to CT for a week together and it was an amazing time. But, then she had to go off to college. I decided during my senior year that I would take a year off and recharge my batteries school wise before jumping into College, and then I would join her at her college after. She didn't completely like the idea but, she seemed to accept it as time passed.

So she went to College, and first semester everything seemed okay. She would come home every other week to see me, and I went up to visit her once as I don't have a car so its difficult for me to get up there often. She came home for Christmas vacation and I was upset over some stupid thing I can't recall right now, and she brought up a nightmare conversation. She asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like to be with somebody else. And questions of that sort. Naturally that really bugged me and haunted me for weeks to come. We agreed to stay together though, so I thought that if I showed her I really cared about her things would resolve themselves. Stupid move, I can see that now but as I said before I'm not good at dealing with these situations.

So, we spent the last day she was home for vacation together, and she seemed sad to let me go and I comforted her and made her feel better about the whole thing. We both agreed to not see each other until Valentines day which at the time was 3 1/2 weeks. Closer to 2 weeks now. Which I didn't like very much, but I accepted after a bit. So, on Friday night I felt the need to tell her how I feel, that what we talked about really bugged me. She told me she didn't know what was going to happen with us, and so we called and I kept my cool through most of the phone call although my voice did get a little jerky through it, she was blubbering. I asked her if she wanted to break up, and she said she didn't. So, I offered the idea of taking a break, to which she agreed. She says she doesn't want to be with other people, so I set the little guideline that we don't date other people during our break and if she does want to date other people that we break up, she agreed but her guideline is that she is the one that will intiate conversation. I'm not "allowed" to talk to her first. I agreed to this as well. She told me that I was her best friend and she really does love me but she just needs time alone and to be "her." She says its different when we are together but college just makes things so hard. Now, her college is only an hour and fifteen minutes away. Its not like we are in different states. And the fact that she said she needs space doesn't really add up for me, like I get if she doesn't want to talk but we aren't around each other too often excluding the past vacation.

The break is still pretty pre-mature as it is day 5 of the break. We have talked a total of three times. The first time was pretty rocky, as it was the morning after and I was a wreck and that conversation got worse as she told me she felt tied down being in a relationship and asked why we couldn't spend time apart for a little while and get back together? I told her that that is what the break is for. We are essentially broken up excluding dating other people, unless that's what she wants. She said she didn't in a less than nice tone. The second time we talked about it a little, and it was much more civil. I told her I love her and all that jazz and that I want to fix things. She still tells me "I love you" after conversations and such and still seems to want to talk to me. She told me that it wasn't really about that much, she just needs space. Now, I would understand this whole space crap if she knew she wanted to get back together, but she told me she didn't know. Its weird, cause I've never once doubted my feelings for her and still don't but its weird to have her feel differently. I keep thinking I'm going to feel better the next day, but no luck yet.

So, I could really use some advice here. I don't want to date other people, I just want her. She is the one girl for me. Its weird cause when we talked last night she still acted like we were fine and this break isn't over. We are still technically together, but I really could use some help. What should I do? I do NOT want to break up, should I just keep giving her time for awhile and see how it goes? I could use some advice.

I had this happen to me to I was with my girlfriend for 2yrs and my girlfriend went to college an she needed a break it took 3 weeks an we are back together now I think its a lot better then what it was before you just need to take a step back give her space let her do her thing and you do yours just give it time and let her no you love her no matter what happens

You may not want to break up, but that's where I see this going. She's trying to let you down easy by going along with the temporary break idea.

Think about it. She's in a new environment, meeting lots of people, making new friends, encountering and dealing with new challenges -- without you. It's a whole new world for her, and she's finding out that she's doing just fine -- without you.

Meanwhile, you're still at home with all the memories of the two of you together.

Freshman girls are always checked out by upperclassmen, so it's very likely she has been flirted with and even asked out. And the administration usually offers lots of activities for freshmen so they get to know each other very quickly and feel comfortable away from home. She's ending the first semester now, or has begun the second one, and is feeling very much at home -- recognizes other students as she walks around on campus, has gossiped about the value of the teachers and courses, has stayed up late studying and writing papers, and is beginning to feel like she's part of the student body -- and has grown away from her roots a bit.

then I would join her at her college after. She didn't completely like the idea
This speaks volumes. The appearance of a hometown boyfriend would really change the dynamics of her college experience, especially when he would be a year behind her.

You may not want to break up, but that's where I see this going. She's trying to let you down easy by going along with the temporary break idea.

Think about it. She's in a new environment, meeting lots of people, making new friends, encountering and dealing with new challenges -- without you. It's a whole new world for her, and she's finding out that she's doing just fine -- without you.

Meanwhile, you're still at home with all the memories of the two of you together.

Freshman girls are always checked out by upperclassmen, so it's very likely she has been flirted with and even asked out. And the administration usually offers lots of activities for freshmen so they get to know each other very quickly and feel comfortable away from home. She's ending the first semester now, or has begun the second one, and is feeling very much at home -- recognizes other students as she walks around on campus, has gossiped about the value of the teachers and courses, has stayed up late studying and writing papers, and is beginning to feel like she's part of the student body -- and has grown away from her roots a bit.

This speaks volumes. The appearance of a hometown boyfriend would really change the dynamics of her college experience, especially when he would be a year behind her.

I understand what your saying. I really do. But, it really doesn't seem like she is trying to let me down easy. She really does seem confused. And the fact that she isn't completely cutting me off and not talking to me, make me believe this more. Am I crazy? I know college is a big step, but she always seemed willing to keep us together.

As for the going to be with her at college. It wasn't the me going to college with her that she didn't like. It was the me, taking a year off cause she would have to be without me. I think I didn't explain that well enough.

Nuke I hate to say it but I think your relationship has been coming to an end and she isn't sure quite how to break it to you. People who are in love and meant to be don't need breaks. People in relationships take breaks for reasons and its usually for negative reasons. I think for the first time in her life she is in the real world with out you by her side and she can see the big picture. Other guys, new fun and new friends that built her a new life.

This makes no sense... but her guideline is that she is the one that will intiate conversation. I'm not "allowed" to talk to her first.

Doesn't that ring a bell in your head? She will let you in her new life when she feels fit to until then don't bother her. I truly think she wants it over but feels the pressure of your history weighing on her. I think she feels obligated to stay with you but at the same time wants it over to be with other people. Taking a break is her way of telling you that.

Well, I just talked to her about it and she told me that she isn't just keeping me around cause of our history, and wanting me to still be there as a "back up" plan or whatever. I'm taking what she says with a grain of salt as I have no idea if she is being honest, but I really have no reason not to trust her word. She also said she thinks that the break is helping, so hopefully things will work out. But, I don't know...

She really does seem confused. And the fact that she isn't completely cutting me off and not talking to me, make me believe this more.
She's not confused. She feels guilty. You've been in her life for a long time. It's hard to make changes, especially when she knows you don't want any.

As for the going to be with her at college. It wasn't the me going to college with her that she didn't like. It was the me, taking a year off cause she would have to be without me. I think I didn't explain that well enough.
Okay. You were part of her life then. But that was before she left for college, right? She's been there for half a year now. Her world has changed. You're not in her world as much any more. And she's had fun and new experiences that don't include you. SHE has changed, but you haven't.

As 88sunflower said so well, people in love who have a good relationship don't take breaks.

I am telling you she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Simple as that. Your trying to hang on and she is trying to break away. If this break means nothing and is helping then why exactly does she want it? People in love don't need breaks.

She's not confused. She feels guilty. You've been in her life for a long time. It's hard to make changes, especially when she knows you don't want any.

Okay. You were part of her life then. But that was before she left for college, right? She's been there for half a year now. Her world has changed. You're not in her world as much any more. And she's had fun and new experiences that don't include you. SHE has changed, but you haven't.

Bah. I don't think I'm explaining this well enough. I've asked her on numerous occasions if she wants to break up, to which she replies no. She says she wants to be with me, she just doesn't want to be with me right now. I realize that this could be her letting me down easy, but it really does not seem it. But, as I said... She thinks the break is helping. I don't think she would give me false hope like that, she's really not that kind of person.

And I have told her that I was stupid to think she should come home every other weeks and such. I'm letting her open up and be at college. Be herself. I think without my texts every day and feeling obligated to talk to me that she is starting to see things differently. Now, I'm not saying that she wants to get back together... just that she is weighing her options more.

I am telling you she doesnt want to hurt your feelings. Simple as that. Your trying to hang on and she is trying to break away. If this break means nothing and is helping then why exactly does she want it? People in love dont need breaks.

Well, I guess I should elaborate even further at the risk of making myself sound bad. I was a clingy boyfriend, I texted her right when I got up. If I hadn't heard from her in 3 hours I would end up texting again. The minute she got on Facebook I would talk to her as if I was waiting. It was a little bit pathetic, yeah, I realize that. I understand she needs some breathing room, and after four years who wouldn't? As we've established she is going through a very different experience and everything is different. On top of school work and new friends and such, having me to throw ontop of it is a bit much ecspecially when I'm one of the biggest weighted factors. She just needs space, I just don't understand what that means.

I know it sounds like I'm in denial. And who knows... maybe I am? But, talking to her about it just really doesn't sound like she wants it to end. It sounds like she just needs a break. And I'm willing to give her that, and I truly think it will help. But, even if it doesn't... at least I can say I did everything in my power to fix it.

Why are you contacting her? I thought she was supposed to be the one to conact you first. You seem to be knocking yourself out to worsen the situation.

She wants a break. Okay, do this. Give her a break. Don't be needy. Don't contact her. In fact, don't even be available when she tries to contact you, or if at least keep the conversation short. After all, she wants a break, and you're very busy. Very, very busy. You're on break too.

Why are you contacting her? I thought she was supposed to be the one to conact you first. You seem to be knocking yourself out to worsen the situation.

She wants a break. Okay, do this. Give her a break. Don't be needy. Don't contact her. In fact, don't even be available when she tries to contact you, or if at least keep the conversation short. After all, she wants a break, and you're very busy. Very, very busy. You're on break too.

She didn't seem completely opposed to me contacting her. She seems to understand that I listened to her, and it was her turn to listen to me. But, that is exactly what I've been doing Wonder. I don't ignore her and make myself out to be a **** when I talk to her, but I have been trying to keep things short. I have been making myself less needy, I don't talk to her. This is the first time I've broken the whole not contact her rule since the break, which I think is good as most boyfriends would go pleading and crying to them. I however am not doing that. So, that's a plus right?

You've tossed in some interesting qualifiers --

She didn't seem completely opposed to me contacting her (not isn't)
She seems to understand that I listened to her (not understands)
I have been trying to keep things short (not do keep)
I have been making myself less needy, I don't talk to her (not I am)

most boyfriends would go pleading and crying to them. I however am not doing that. So, that's a plus right?
Is that what they do? Usually the girls get that reputation of pleading and crying, but then usually the guys don't ask for a break; they just dump and move on. Asking for a break seems to be a "girly" thing to do.

In your situation, I don't believe being pleading and needy will work. Doing a strict NC will tell you reams.

Well, I can't read her mind. I don't know what's going on in there. I see what you mean though. And this relationship isn't like "Aw man, we have been dating for 3 months. I AM SO IN LOVE!" This is 4 1/2 years. This has grown over time. I've had a bunch of friends bug there girlfriend when they break up with them, wanting to win her back that way. I can't see that being a good course of action, so we agree on that. I think that if I give her what she needs we have a good chance of getting back together. So, the ball is in her court now. Its only been five days, not much of a break. I'll just give it time.

So, the ball is in her court now. Its only been five days, not much of a break. I'll just give it time.
Stay in touch and let us know how it's going!

(By the way, I truly want you two to get back together. You've reliving MY history, except it had been six years of being together for us, not just four and a half.)

Ok let me put it how I see it. She doesn't want to break up, she just wants a break. She still wants to be with you just not right now. She said the break was helping. As an outsider looking in I hear her saying "I love you and the time we shared, but I am having a blast here at college away from you. I see cute boys interested in me and I want to explore that but dont want you to know. So I tell you I want a break in case this doesnt work out I can fall back on you."

I honestly feel if you never contacted her she would slowly contact you less and less. That's what she is saying between the lines. I don't want to hurt your feelings saying that but that's what she is saying. Just don't contact her for anything, ever. See how it goes. I bet before long you will hardly hear from her.

I see what your saying Sun. I really do. And let me say that I'm not the best person to judge as this is happening to me... It just seems like she really just wants time. Sure, there are boys down there and they probably play a part in this but I don't know if that's what this is really about. I think she just wants to know what it feels like to be alone, I mean it has been 4 and a half years. So, I'm giving her what she wants. Now, I know I might be in denial but I don't feel like she would say the break is helping if she knew right from the get go that we might break up. You guys have said that she is trying not to hurt me. Why would she give me false hope like that if she wasn't trying to hurt me? Unless its not false hope.

OK what is the break helping? Her to see if she wants you or not?

Why don't we work on you. Because either way right now your hurting and have a lot of what ifs spinning around your head I am sure. You are in a bit of denial I think. But I understand how your feeling. You love her.

Can you try and go NC with her? Let her do this on her own and you not chasing her? I think if you do this you will have your answer.

The reason I'm in denial is because although I did ask for help, and I really do appreciate it. There are always going to be holes when trying to help me. I mean... there is no possible way you guys could know what we are like. But, I admit denial is looking good right about now.

And we are currently in NC, at least I am. I mean, I don't really want to ignore her if she tries to talk to me. That will just annoy her. And I don't think the whole reversal thing, of me ignoring her and showing her how much she misses me is going to work. I don't know... I just don't know.

I understand we will never fully get your story 100%. We don't know you both personally and we are only truly hearing one side of it. But what's important is that you do see where we are coming from with what you do tell us and what we do understand. You came to us and we are hear to listen and help any way we can.

I just right now want to see you brace yourself for the fall. In case it does happen like we all think it is going to. Sure doing NC won't work 100% since she is still contacting you. But can't you see that if your not going to her like you once were she will either make it or break it with you. Simple as that. I would love nothing more then to see you both happily ever after but its not looking that way at this point.

I want to touch on an area you didn't want to hear. You were so young when you met. 8th grade. How mature were you then compared to now? How much have you grown then compared to now? You need to look at the big picture. As your aging and maturing she isn't going to be that little girl any more from 8th grade that you started dating. Both your interests are changing and what you want out of life. Before you do decide happily ever after with this girl if that's what it leads to then you need to realize what your needs and wants are as an adult. It may not be the same as it once was. You may look back and realize you should have explored more yourself. If this break does come take it as a blessing in disguise. It will hurt and rip your heart out. But in my opinion I think it will be good and you will learn and grow better because of it.

The thing is we are happy when we are in person. She even said herself "Things are so different when we are together" its just college that puts a strain on us. We are so alike, not like we like the same things... its just. I don't know how to explain it. I know, we met when we were young and I know I've matured since then. But, I still haven't changed how I feel about her.

Just last week she said she doesn't want this to end. And then the next Friday after that she says she wants to take a break? I don't get it. I don't know if I can go NC to be honest. I know I'll get my answer quicker but I can barely stand what we are doing now.

So, I broke down tonight and couldn't stand it anymore and ended up calling her. She explained to me that she just needed time and that she loves me. She said she wanted to get back together and after a 62 minute conversation and my cell phone minutes being completely devoured she wouldn't back down. She just wanted to get back together. So, of right now... we are back together and she says she just wants to get back together. She was being pretty ridiculous though, saying things like "I just want to elope" and "I wish I could drop out of college and come live with you." and I offered her that I would come to college during alternating bi-weekly periods. She liked that idea. So, as it stands we are back together. Now how should I respond to this? Does it seem like she just wanted to get back together because I was hysterical or does she really feel this way?

Why am I thinking she is kicking herself right now?

You gave her no choice, you know.

How did I give her no choice. I asked her point blank "Do you want to break up?" I wasn't hysterical yet, I was calm. She said no. I told her how I was feeling about the whole situation, being honest and such. She said that the break wasn't helping her and she just wanted to talk to me but didn't want to end up talking about this cause it sucked. She said she misses talking to me, and that this might become a factor down the road but right now she wants to be with me. That right there was what sold it for me, cause I was fishy let me tell you. But, the fact that she was honest and said that things could get rocky down the road really told me she wanted to be with me. Why would she tell me that if she just wanted to make me feel better? It doesn't make much sense to me.

Okay. Let's go with "Everything is peachy keen and hunky dory now."

And that's the end of the problem. You're back together with her, with no break.

I wouldn't have asked on here if I didn't want another person's opinion. I really do want some advice. I know I can be a hard person to deal with and I'm sorry.

Why are you not satisfied? An opinion about what? It sounds like this most recent contact solved the problem.

But, it sounds like you have an opinion on the situation. I would really appreciate it if you could tell me... I could use it. I'm still pretty confused.

But, the fact that she was honest and said that things could get rocky down the road really told me she wanted to be with me.
Or, she realizes all the opportunities she has now, being away from you "watching" and cramping her style, so to speak, all the interesting looking guys walking around on campus, all the "temptations" (the rocky stuff).

On the other hand, if you are in her life, she can lean back and relax and have you as the at-home boyfriend she can use as an excuse to say no if someone asks her out. Of course, the road could get rocky if she thinks she might actually want to go out with someone.

I understand that. And it doesn't shock me. I know things are going to be tough over the course of the next 4 months. We both know that. Its something we want to tackle together though. And is there any truth to what she is saying? All I'm getting here is bad things... and it kind of sucks. But, I want honesty more than anything.

But, I want honesty more than anything.
Only she can give you that. Her actions more than her words will give you that. I can only guess, having been in that situation.

I say, just relax and carry on and see what happens. Don't live in doubt; believe in her.

Well, I've had this problem for awhile and as I have a situation like that tonight I was wondering if I have anything to worry about. Now, my girlfriend is in college and I am taking a year off. The time apart has been hard, but we have been making it work. We are fresh off a "break" and everything seems to be going back to normal.

So, tonight she tells me she is going to a nearby college to hang out with some of her room mates friends. Now, mind you that most of her guy friends are gay so I'm not all that worried. She doesn't try to lie to me, she simply told me that she was probably going to stay in her room mates friends room on an air mattress. One of them is kind of with one of her room mates but not really, and the other seems to also have a girl that he is kind of with but I know for a fact that she asked one of my friends about him when we were on our break. Nothing weird, just if he knew him cause they go to the same college. Now, her room mates are going to be there... But, I wouldn't put it past them to try to hook her up with one of there friends. And this is our first day being officially back together

Now, I'm the jealous type. I can admit it. And I know my girlfriend would break up with me before she ever cheated on me. I'm just wondering if I have a reason to be jealous and how I can cope with the jealousy that always haunts me.

I'm the jealous type too; and sometimes that's a good thing. Did you ask for a break or did she? Because if she asked for one that could definitely put a damper on your relationship and I could see why you are jealous. I don't even like when my girlfriend hangs out with guys, and I'd never let her sleep over somewhere because that's just asking for trouble in my book so I guess that makes me the VERY jealous type. I really hate when girls do things like that but are somewhat "honest' about it like that's supposed to make everything okay.. but really it doesn't make us jealous guys feel better. It's good that you know some people there-but I would tell her that it makes me feel uncomfortable(say no more) and see what she says. If she gets all defensive then that's not good-but if she's the type to call you as soon as she wakes up and tells you she loves you on the phone in front of people then it should be okay. You could even try skipping that and inviting her to go out the next day-tell her all about your night and ask her how her night was. If she doesn't talk about it much then.. well.. the next couple of times she does something like this and you very politely ask how her night was after sharing your story with her and there's no story from her then that just means she doesn't want to share truth with you and you need to find a more honest girl. Relationships are all about fun, and if you are a fun person there's no reason why she wouldn't want to introduce you to ALL of her friends. People need their privacy but friendship is something that can go around. Of course you're not going to be best friends with her friends but you should get to know them well enough so you can read the signs of people. If she says you're being nosey just apologize and say you were just asking and you didn't mean to be. Just be cool about things and likable all in all, and you'll find out the answers to anything in your life.

You two have resolved your differences and are back together. I personally think she should keep conversations with you limited to weather, classes, teachers, and what was for supper in the cafeteria. When she meanders into personal relationships among the college crowd and where she might sleep tonight, she gives you food for suspicion about her intentions and involvement.

Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't, your relationship is broken and can't be fixed.

So, here is the story... My girlfriend went to a party last night a nearby college, I was too worried about it I mean I knew that she would be drinking and probably get drunk. This would usually bother me but, I'm trying to get out of that habit as college has changed the deal with things. I need to adapt.

Anyway, she got really drunk and her and her room mate recalled having kissed the night before. From what she remembers it was just a peck, but for some reason it is bothering me more than it probably should. So, I'm probably just having a weird boyfriend jealous moment since she didn't try to hide it from me or anything. I know she's not a lesbian or anything, or even interested in her room mate like that. It just makes me wonder what else she would be capable of doing while drunk. I just want some advice of what to do about it. I trust her, I just don't trust drunk her.

Why did she tell you about the incident? (especially if she knows how jealous you can get)

I 100% trust her. I just don't know if I can trust her when she is drinking. Nothing has happened yet, besides my topic I have just recently opened which you can check out. Am I so wrong to not trust when she is drinking?


I'm pretty sure she didn't think it was a big deal. I mean... I know she's not a lesbian as I said. As I said... its not really as much the fact that she kissed a girl. It's that I don't know what she is capable of when she is drinking, because if she is willing to kiss a girl how can I know how far it will go next time and what if its not a girl next time?

No, you don't "100% trust her"!! She should not tell you anything about parties or her involvements. It sounds like she wants an open relationship so she can do what she feels like doing in college. If you don't like that, then the two of you should break up.

Well that's part of the reason I do trust her. Is the fact that she tells me what she does at parties and such, keeping stuff from me isn't going to help things along is it? I know she would never cheat on me sober. I know there is a slim chance that she is going to cheat on me drunk. I just want a way to cope with my jealousy. Its not such an easy thing to get rid of.

Right. Get a little liquor into her, and who knows what she will do. And she sounds giddy enough that someone could slip something into her drink while she's not watching it (because she trusts everyone).

You can't forbid her to drink -- or can you?

Okay, okay. I get it. I understand what your saying and your right. I'm simply a jealous guy. I don't know why. I've never cared for someone like I care about her and I don't want anything to happen to us. And the recent break has me on edge about everything ten times more. But, your right... it was nothing. Just a stupid thing people do when they drink.

Thank you Wondergirl. This actually helped a lot.

If you do go to that college where she is, how will you control her drinking and partying then? Or is she the one who needs to be "controlled'?

As I read this whole thing it occurred to me this isn't about your girl, or being away from her, its about you and your issues and how you handle YOURSELF>

You both are in a transition period, that's what learning and growing is all about. That's what moving from the protected time of high school into the first time freedom is about. That's what your break was about, her dealing with her new found freedom, and you having to deal with her and her new found freedom. I understand how much it takes trying to adjust your thinking to what you are going through. I really do, but recognize that its not about what she does but how you handle it, and despite YOUR fears, she is going to explore her new world, and you have to let her. She has been honest so far, and that's a good thing, as even through the break she still shared and cared, and that's another good sign so far.

What you need to do is learn to cope with your feelings in a more positive way for yourself, and not let them get you carried away or act or talk impulsively. People will do what they do, especially when they are young and learning and growing. Don't make issues , or worry about what could happen, just be focused on what does happen. I know its hard to let go of some feelings, we all have no control over them, but what's most important, is what we do about those feelings that counts most.

Now you can let the jealousy take over, and dictate your actions, or you can think twice about why are you jealousy? Deal with that before you project it into your actions.

Anyone with a female they were attached to would be jealous just because you are not there and you fear what she is doing, or what others are wanting to do with her. Yes jealousy, has its roots in fear, and no matter what you feel, you are just like the rest of us because we all have those feelings. Everyone of us humans. Some cope better than others.

You will cope better as you grow, once you have learned about yourself and how to deal with yourself. As a very emotional guy, I can tell you that even now, I sometimes struggle with making sense of my feelings, and not let them get me so carried away that it adversely affects my thought, words, or actions and stops me from seeing the reality that has to be dealt with, in a calm thoughtful way. This allows me to see reality and judge what has to be done, from FACTS, and not just feelings.

I guess my whole point, is get facts, and give them a lot of thought, BEFORE you act, or speak. Just like you make mistakes and have to regroup and learn from them, you have to figure so will she and sometimes we can't prevent that, only deal with it. You are a lot luckier than most though, as such transitions from high school to college is a relationship breaker, yours has not been, so just take it one day at a time, and keep yourself under cool, calm, control, at all times. So you can deal with reality, and not just be fighting a losing battle with YOURSELF. Things change all the time, whether we want them to or not, and you have to change also, and make the right adjustments to your thinking, and actions, so you can survive.

Life is but a process of events that you have to deal with, and self discipline is the tool to cope with whatever changes you have to make, and the feelings that ALWAYS comes with them. That means if you see things about yourself you don't like, be willing to change them. If you don't want to be jealous, change it in yourself.

Its all about how you deal with YOURSELF, because that's the only thing in the whole wide world you have any control over. You are totally powerless to control anything but YOURSELF.

Threads merged


So, Me and my girlfriend both have the ability to log onto eachothers Facebook accounts. We have always allowed this to happen, because we trust each other and want to be completely open. Anyway, I hadn't logged onto her account in years and today she mentioned that her room mates were talking about how our arrangement for our accounts is weird and she disagreed. So, my curiousity got the best of me and I went on... Now, don't say this is me being untrusting or anything. It was a brief thing, no longer than five minutes. I don't really care what she is talking about to her friends and such, if it was a big deal she would talk to me about it.

ANYWAY, as luck would have it about 2 hours before I logged on I saw a message from a guy who said that he thought she was cute. She has never really talked to this guy, he was in English with her and they recently began talking in groups with her room mates and her friends. Nothing weird, just one dinner and a conversation on Facebook between three of them. So, because I can't control my jealousy I decided to be dumb and tell her it was bothering me. She wasn't mad about the me going on her Facebook part, she was mad how I reacted and that I thought it was a little strange. She freaked out at me, I apologized, she was still obviously mad when she logged out.

Now, I have no doubt that this will simply blow over tomorrow. But, I just need to know... Did I have the right to be jealous a little? Was it a smart move to tell my girlfriend that this was bothering me? And how can I cope with little bits of jealousy like this in the future? I trust her, its just I can't help but being jealous. I've always struggled with this issue.

COMMUNICATION!!

You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a heart to heart conversation. Explain that you understand that she is going to have conversations with other guys, her girlfriends, etc --however that you just don't feel comfortable with her having conversation with some guy that obviously feels he can come right out and say she was cute. That there are boundries to every relationship. I am sure she wouldn't appreciate you having conversation with any woman who has come right out and state she tought you were cute.

Then if I was you--I would stay out of her personnel Facebook account!! I would tell her that she needs to change her password so you don't feel the need to step over that line again.

I will say this that I have seen more couple break up due to one or the others insecurities oh like Jealousy!!

Take care

I think it's wonderful that you and your girlfriend are open, honest, and communicative.

Perhaps you overreacted, and if you feel like you did you should tell her so and apologize. However, if you felt jealousy or discomfort, you have a right to at least examine the reasons via introspection. If it's something you feel you should explain to her after you've examined your feelings, then you do have a right to say so and to feel the way you do.

Sometimes people have irrational emotions, but the key is to find out for yourself why those feelings are there and be able to rationally express them if they need expression. It's when you express yourself while you're still feeling irrational that it becomes a real problem.

Best of luck!

She apologized this morning about the whole thing, and explained that she didn't know why she got all worked up over the situation. I was pretty calm when I talked to her, and I was probably over analyzing things. I mean... Its not like she said he was cute, or did anything that would betray my trust. She can't control what other people say, so unless something like that happens I'm not going to worry about it.

I would have been very upset too if my husband made me responsible for what another person says. I would be upset if my husband even implied that I was not to receive compliments from anyone but him. I love it when he gets compliments. We even give compliments to others. It doesn't take away from what we share between us and if it brings a smile to someone else then that is terrific.

You are bothered about one acquaintance/new friend telling her she is cute because the person is male. Are you going to check to make certain that all of the females who compliment her are heterosexual? What if he turns out to be homosexual? Sounds kind of silly doesn't it?

Do you really expect her to go through life only complimenting you?

You have jealousy issues. Do not make your insecurities her responsibility. Accept that there are things neither of you can control such as what a third party says. Keep the lines of communication open between you. Trust that she has the ability to tell-off those who need to be like she probably does everyday. Do not ask her to tell you about every person who gives her a compliment. Don't get upset if she tells you about one that made her feel good. Be happy that she is and agree with it. The friend says she is cute-tell her that 'yes, she is' and if possible give her a smile to show you mean it.

I am glad you are working things out. However, do not dismiss her feelings or sweep them under the rug because she apologized. Her 'over-reacting' means that there is some irritation with your show of jealousy. It may be that she has been picking up on it and you have been letting it show more than you realize.

Good luck.

So, Me and my girlfriend both have the ability to log onto eachothers facebook accounts. We have always allowed this to happen, because we trust eachother and want to be completely open.

Nope.
Trusting each other would be not knowing the password and not caring about it, let alone logging on. I'd give it a try.

I agree with pandead, if there's so much overwhelming trust in this relationship, why do you feel the need to see what's up in her Facebook? That sounds more like validating your trust. Like.. "okay, there's nothing suspicious on here- I trust you!!" I don't agree that that's the ultimate definition of trust, but to each their own I suppose. Either way, you do have jealousy issues with such a simple compliment! It wasn't her fault, and you did overreact here. It'd probably be best to change each of your passwords to prevent any further jealousy issues from happening in the future. It's pretty simple, if you trust each other, then you trust each other. No need to get all fancy about it.

Now you can let the jealousy take over, and dictate your actions, or you can think twice about why are you jealous? Deal with that before you project it into your actions.

This is what I posted before on this subject. I think had you just given it some thought you would have let it go. This wasn't worth a reaction, or a second thought, and even though she apologized, its to many events such as this that can make nothing into a big ole argument about... nothing.

So, it didn't work out. A week ago, she came to my house and told me that this wasn't working for her anymore and that she wanted to break up. She was very firm in her decision, and said "I would like to get back together at some point, but you said you don't know if you want to if this happened" which is true. And part of the reason I'm not hung up on her, I mean... of course I am. But, its not going to stop me from moving on. My real reason for bothering with typing this is... after you've heard the whole story throughout this thread... do we really have a chance to get back together? Or did she just tell me that to make the blow a little bit easier? I'm sure as hell not going to wait until summer and then take her back. I'm not going to be the guy she can come crawl back to, after she had her fun. **** that.

do we really have a chance to get back together? Or did she just tell me that to make the blow a little bit easier?
We girls are taught by our parents and even have this innate desire to not be mean, to want people to like us, to not be the bearer of bad news (without lacing it with a bit of honey). So, yes, she said this to make the blow a bit easier.

She will always remember you and the good times you had (and may someday have to really dig into her memory bank in order to remember why you two broke up). She'll remember your full name and your good points, but she has moved on with her life.

Remember her with the same good feelings, but you move on too. And thank you so much for coming back here to tell us the end of the story! We hear so many relationship woes and fling ourselves into a poster's thread and his very life, but never find out what happened. We know you will be okay and wish you well.

Honestly, I'm not ready to give up yet. We haven't talked since the break up. I'm not ready to accept this. I know, this isn't the best way to go about things... but after a month passes, I want to talk things out and see if there is a chance to work things out. I want to see if time is what she needs, I plan to go completely NC during this time and see what happens.

If she still feels the same way when the time comes, then this will be over for good. Its not fair to me to stay around for when it convienent for her. I know that I probably shouldn't do this, but I don't feel like I have closure by hearing her say that she wants to get back together. I need to know. Surely you can understand that? I'm not going to beg, I'm not going to cry, I'm going to simply tell her that I miss her, and still love her. If she isn't ready... then I'll cut my last thread of hope.

I know deep down, that this isn't the best way to go about doing things and I should move on. But, after 4 1/2 years... I can't just move on without being 100% sure that we are over for good.

Okay then. You'll report back at the end of March?

Yeah, she comes home for vacation on the 21st. I want to do this in person... not over the phone. So, yes... Sometime at the end of March, I'll tell what happened. Maybe not right away, depending on the results though...

Why not right away? You're not going to hold out on us, are you, and make us sweat?

No, I just meant that I didn't really feel like doing anything when she broke up with me. I've slowly been beginning to return to my normal routine. I may not be online for a few days and such, while trying to get over it. But, I'm not counting my chickens until they hatch. We'll see how it goes when the time comes.

So, I have a new problem that has arose... A buddy of mine that goes to college with my ex called me up today, they are friends and he asked her to dinner at the cafeteria to see if he could figure out what went wrong. Keep in mind this was his doing, I in no way influenced it.

She told him she still loves me and wants to talk to me but, doesn't want to end up making things worse. But, the way she said things... it doesn't seem like she has any intention of getting back together. She said things like "I would like to get back together some day but I can't see into the future" and it will be awkward if he ends up coming here for college. Now, I know that if I don't talk to her... we don't stand a chance. But, if I do talk to her there is a good chance nothing will change and I'll just end up regressing back to day 1, not that I've made a lot of progress anyway. I want to work things out so badly... but, if there isn't a chance of us getting back together what's the point of throwing myself out of the line again?

Doesn't matter what she told him, you know what she told you. So forget the third party update. Tell your buddy to stay out of your business.

Wow. I am losing it. I have been feeling a little better lately but I keep getting what I can only describe as flashes, which instantly remind of our relationship and something I really miss about it. Whether it be the time we sat in the park or a time we were intimate. It really sucks to have to think about these thoughts.

16 days so far... I really wish I could just move past this.

The flash backs are normal, and as long as you don't do anything foolish, you will get beyond them because the condition is temporary.

16 days, keep it going.

And when you wake up tomorrow it will be day 17-keep going.

I am trying so hard to let go of her, for some reason... the past 4 days have been really hard. I don't know what it is, I try to stay off her Facebook because I know I'm just going to get hurt from what I see. But, I'm always looking for a sparkle of hope that I know is never going to be there. I'm not thinking about getting back with her anymore, because I'm beginning to realize that its not going to happen. She doesn't want to be with me, so why would I want to be with her? That's just the thing. I do want to be with her! And its terrible! I thought this was getting easier, I was even going to make an entry in here and explain that I'm moving on and it would be my last entry. But, no... things keep popping up in my face. I keep trying to tell myself to stop worrying, she won't move on that fast. But, she is... she is leaving me behind, and that's what she wants so I can't do a god damn thing to stop it and its killing me inside.

I wish I could forget her. I wish we would have broken up when we took that break sophomore year that long 3 years ago. I don't want this, I never wanted any of this. Why did she do this? After all the love, caring things I did, always treated her as best I could, put her before me in every situation, why did she hurt me like this? I just don't understand. I don't think I ever will. I know things will get easier eventually, and I keep telling myself to fight it off. But, I can only fight off so much... I always feel this pit in my stomach trying to hold my feelings for her back and let her go. I want to talk to her so bad, but I know it will just bring pain on. I know I can't... It will just make things worse. But, I truly don't know what to do anymore... I'm lost. I wish I could close my eyes and this would all go away. She told me that this is incredibly hard, well... she can't imagine what its like for me. She broke my heart, and no matter how much I resent her for it I still want to be with her. No matter how much I don't want to want that, I do.

I know its over... I know things aren't going to fix, and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change that. I think that's why I've had such trouble accepting this the past few days, because I'm finally after 3 weeks... accepting that. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad...

Just curious as to your strategy with coping when those bad feeling arise within you? Other than writing about them?

Its tough in the early days for sure, but that means you have to be even tougher.

Stay off FB,going cold turkey is very painful,but you're better off feeling the pain and working your way through it here and now.

And you'll find that day by day it gets less and less until one day it'll be nothing more than a memory.

The thing is to keep busy and do the things you enjoy,even if you feel like not getting out of bed.

Acting as if you're OK helps even if you feel like you've hit rock bottom.

Most of us here have been where you are now and we worked our way through it.

I keep a journal to write about it excluding writing about it on here. It went from me writing in it every day, to every three days, and now once a week if that. I also try to talk to some close friends about it, but I have a feeling that they are getting annoyed with it because its all I talk about.

I feel like she is moving on too, there was this one guy who I suspected she had a crush on when we were still together and now she is having him over to her dorm and becoming friends with his brother who doesn't even go to the school. I know it's a mixture of paranoia in there as well, but god damnit... it sucks. Its been three weeks. Now, I've heard it all before the whole "she's moving on, so you should too." but I don't feel ready to move on at all. I'm still completely broken up about it, and I don't want to rebound some girl off my past relationship either. So, I'm forced to just watch.

The thing is, I don't want to keep holding on like I am. I want to let go, so I can stop feeling this way. But, I can't. I'm trying to keep her as far away from the center of my attention as possible... but for some reason.. even though when I make a pact to stay off Facebook, within an hour or two of saying it I will cave and get back on. I don't want to be like this at all. I want to forget. But, I don't know how to handle this in any way.

That's when keeping busy and staying away from your laptop helps-go to the gym?
Go for a run?
Do stuff with your friends and find other things to talk about.

And it doesn't matter if she is moving on,or how,what matters is that you take the best possible care of yourself and how you move on.

It's about you,nobody else.

The thing is, I don't want to keep holding on like I am. I want to let go, so I can stop feeling this way. But, I can't. I'm trying to keep her as far away from the center of my attention as possible... but for some reason.. even though when I make a pact to stay off facebook, within an hour or two of saying it I will cave and get back on. I don't want to be like this at all. I want to forget. But, I don't know how to handle this in any way.
It is your choice. It's the same as being an alcoholic and wanting to stop drinking. You make the CHOICE to not take that drink, even if there are people around you who are drinking. You choose ice water or iced soda or yummy Pepsi on ice. You steel yourself, and say no to the alcohol. It takes self discipline, self control, mindfulness. But you say no to yourself, to your id, and get on with your life.

She is your alcohol. She is your snack food when you want to lose weight. She is the wallet that someone left lying on the checkout desk. She is your opportunity to make the right choice and to mature.

TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE HAVING FUN

That's my personal coping strategy for getting beyond the hurt. The options for new friends, new experiences, new skills, new discoveries about YOURSELF, is endless!

I call it CREATIVE PERSONAL EXPANSION. Be a volunteer, its eye opening, and gets you out of self! Why sit on your butt and re-feel your own misery over, and over again?

Little update for everybody. I don't think I am going to talk to her in a week like I planned. Its become more and more obvious that if she wanted to be with me, she would be with me. Going to talk to her would just cause a whole lot of heart ache that I really don't need, so I will not be going to see her.

Little update for everybody. I don't think I am going to talk to her in a week like I planned. Its become more and more obvious that if she wanted to be with me, she would be with me. Going to talk to her would just cause a whole lot of heart ache that I really don't need, so I will not be going to see her.
Yyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

Bingo!!
Keep up the good work.

I will try. But, as you guys have seen... I tend to be on the ups and downs lately. Today is the first day in 5 days that I haven't been so bad.

The ups and downs are normal,but I think you have turned a corner-well done!

Update: So we talked once again about two weeks ago. And the only notable thing she said was "I'm happier this way." this was really the break through point for me. It made me realize that their really is nothing I can do to fix this. So, its been a little over 2 weeks now since we talked and I have no desire to talk to her. I can't say that I'm completely over her, but I've given up the possibility of thinking I can win her back. I'm going with the sense that if our paths cross again someday, then great but I'm going at this like its permanent.

Thanks to everyone for your advice! :)

I am so glad that you have stayed in touch with us. Too often we never hear the end of the story.

I definitely wish you well. This experience has been a good thing for you (and for us too) -- good, because it has taught you some important lessons about relationships and life (and has reminded us of how much we have progressed).

Thank you for telling us that and good luck!

So... As everybody who has seen this thread knows, my girlfriend and me broke up about 2 months ago. Honestly, it was heartbreaking for me but I got through it and although I can't say I'm completely over her, I'm a lot further along than I was.

But, instead of starting a new thread about the same girl... I'll just continue this. We have seized talking, and I've eliminated any chance of us being friends for a very long time. I found this to be the best thing to do for me, as I could never look at her as just a friend.

The thing is... this girl who I dated for 4 1/2 years is already dating someone new. Now, I know... rebound relationship and all that jazz. But, who does that to a person? It drives me insane to see somebody who I cared for so much, just spit in my face like that. Now, 2 months is quite a chunk of time even though this started started around a month ago... but, 4 1/2 years and jumping into another relationship right off the bat. What's that? I would never do that to somebody, at least not make it public to the world to see so soon. I'm not really upset or mad at this, I'm hurt. I don't even want this girl back, it just sucks to know how little our relationship meant to her.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

There's seldom any wrong or right about feelings,it's how we act,or react to our feelings that can make or break us.

She's doing what she's doing because that's who she is and you'll never have any answers to your questions.

Accept that this is what's going on in her life-leave it behind you and keep moving on.

And,by the way,thanks for sticking to your original thread!:-)

Nuke, I am going to be blunt. Her world does not revolve around your feelings. She is not 'spitting in your face' or disrespecting you or anything else that has anything to do with you and/or your past relationship. She is living her life. You need to live your own.

What you are experiencing is a part of breaking up. It would probably happen whether she waited one week or two years to date again. It is a reminder that she isn't yours anymore. It is proof that the relationship is definitely over and it is time to let go.

You will be a lot happier if you don't think of moving forward as a denial of the past. It isn't. Moving on isn't forgetting the past. It is accepting that it is the past. You've got today and the promise of a great tomorrow ahead of you.

You hit a low point on roller coaster of healing. Instead of dwelling on the pain and betrayal get out and do something that helps you feel better like meet up with friends, go fishing, exercise, garden, etc. In other words, get out of her life and get involved in your own.

Dumpers always seem to move on faster than the ones who get dumped. They have had longer to deal with what they want and are more ready to get what they want.

And for all your saying you are over it, you still take whatever she does personally when its not about you, but about her. What, should she be sitting waiting on you to be able to be happy and enjoy doing your thing?

Sorry, doesn't work that way, and you better figure out why you are still upset with what she is doing, and not being indifferent? You can get as carried away by your feelings as you want to, but you can't change what she is doing. Or you can accept she has moved on faster than you, just because she is ready, and you are not.

Bottom line is it doesn't matter what she is doing about her life, not one bit. What matters is what you are doing about yours. So focus, and stop being distracted, even for a second with what she does.

Yeah you would like to think she misses you, but the question is, why are you even looking at what she is doing? Why do you allow this to bother you? Maybe you have not moved as far as you say, and need to refocus, and get busier with what you want for yourself.

Those dang gone feelings are still in your way, YOURS, not hers.

Okay, now throughout this thread I've heard it all. I really have. But, words on a computer screen can't really fix anything. I'm sick of lying to myself and saying I'm okay. I'm better, but I'm not okay.

I'm in love with her okay? There I said it, shock shock surprise surprise. I've tried to tell myself that I only miss the sex, or something stupid like that. Nope, I am in love with her and I can't over her. I hate being like this, because unlike before... I don't want her back. I want to forget her. I don't want to feel this way. I wish those memories didn't exsist. I feel... really lost.

2 months. I don't know... I guess it just hit me, that I'll never be able to hold her in my arms again, or reach out to touch her, smell her perfume... anything like that. Its over.

Time will fix this,Nuke,and you are better.

Having a bad day is normal and the memories will always be there-only with time,they'll fade to a bittersweet little itch that won't need scratching.