I have been struggling with guilt & depression(At times also a very UnControllable anger) since my early Childhood. In the last 2 years I have surrendered myself to a Mental Institution, tried several types of medication, and went through Therapy Sessions/Classes. Nothing seems to work. Several times in the past I have acted in a manner that is not that of myself. I Can feel my heartbeat speed up & my mind feels Bent, then I end up hurting myself.

When these situation unfold I can feel myself getting bad, I try my hardest to stop myself but I just do not seem to be strong enough to stop myself. I have NEVER "Wanted" to hurt myself(I just feel I can't literally stop myself), there is nothing fun about this crazy behavior & I am not happy/proud about it, at all.

This last Thursday I managed to somehow get even worse; I went insane and slashed my own face & neck several times.. This behavior is not Standard or expected by me & I have never even came close to hurting myself this way/this much. I felt myself reaching for a knife & felt scared, I tried to drop it but I couldn't, it was like I literally lost all control of my Body, but my mind was trying to make it stop(But Failed).

Considering that I have sought out mental help several times in the past 2 years, Eating a Healthy Diet, Exercise(Walking Mainly) Daily, and nothing is working; As Time goes by I just lose more control; To the point where it seems the harder I try the more control I lose.

Do you think it is possible that an evil spirit or Demon is consuming my mind? This might sound crazy to some; But seeing myself do something that I am afraid of & do not want to happen, has a strong way of making me feel that I am not myself inside.
Thank You For Taking The Time & having an Open-Mind enough to Read this :-)

Good Day,
k00rt

I don't believe in evil spirits or demons.
No young child should feel guilt; you don't have a good enough sense of right and wrong yet. Did you really do something unspeakable (no need to say what) and how old were you? There's your demon: the part of you that can't face the good and ethical part of you, the angry person inside.
There's nothing wrong with anger, and it's vital for survival and justice, but the idea is to control it, curb it, and channel it to useful ends.
Hopefully you can find someone who will help you face that deeper, older anger.
Cutting yourself means you don't want to hurt anyone else. That means you have good in you! You aren't out there being a serial killer or rapist or one of those people who really are monsters.
Recent studies of soldiers with PTSD have shown that as their heartbeats go way up (as you say yours does) and they are about to have flashbacks or extreme anger, that taking blood pressure medication (at that moment, not in general) helps tremendously. Then talking therapy is much more calm and fruitful.

Perhaps you could investigate that with your doctor.

Thank you for your advice :-) I should have stated my age earlier (Sorry about that) I am 27 years old. You are right I have never hurt anyone else, my morals are still there. When I was 14 years old I was pushed into religion(By Family), I asked my 1 and only Friend, Eugene, to come back from Florida so he could go to the Blue Slide Church Camp; He was in Florida visiting his father for Shared Custody, his mother was with him there also. When I called him he did not want to go anymore than I did, I begged & Pleaded.

Eventually he gave in and said "Ok Already, Fine!" Eugene & his mother left Florida on a Private Plane; the plane crashed on the way back from Florida. Eugene, His Mother & the Pilot all died in that crash. Since that day I have always blamed myself. If I did not beg him to go him, his mother & Probably also the Pilot would all still be alive; that's a fact that I have never been able to get over.

I never really considered it until now but, that situational stress may have been enough to throw me into some form of P.T.S.D(Or Something Similar), or perhaps I have somehow created an alter personality, that hates myself & Feels that I deserve to be punished. Reading this as I type makes me wonder. Thank You again for your Time, Your Opinion, & Having an Open-Mind :-)

(Just for the Record this is not some kind of Pity Party, I do not expect anyone to feel anything for me; I am just trying to figure out why/how I've made myself my own personal Worst Enemy, and if possible at all, some way to get over it & try to live a Productive Life)

Good Day,
k00rt

I was 10yrs old. My younger brother was 8. My nephew Boot (his nickname) was 13. We were all at my nephews house for a sleep-over because my parents and his parents went on vacation.

Boot wanted to act out a movie (fighting) and he was beating up my younger brother, I told him NO. He told me that if he didn't fight he was to go home (mind you we live next door to eachother) so I said if he goes home, I go home.

Needless to say we walked home. LLater that night Boot shot himself. (it was ruled accidental)

I plagued myself with the thought of guilt for years following that because if I would have stayed, he wouldn't have got out his gun. It literally killed me inside.

Why did I tell you this?
We both feel responsible for the death of another. Whether we were the direct reason for this or not is superfluous because in our minds we feel guilty regardless.

What's different is I chose to focus on other aspects of Boot's death. I was adopted, Boot was my first friend in a new town, he was my role model, my best friend. Boot; while his death was sad and premature, made me into the person I am today. His parents had two more children after his death and I cared for them and loved them like they wre my own. I still, to this day, look at them as a gift.

What am I trying to say?
You can't blame yourself. No matter how it looks, no matter how obvious the blame can be, you had no control over any of this. You didn't make anybody do anything.
I don't believe in possession, and to be honest it sounds like you might be using this as a scapegoat for poor decisions.

Again, this is just my opinion and for what its worth I hope this helped!

Thank You! Hearing someone else with a very similar situation has given me Some Reassurance/Closure, I've never been able to relate to anyone about this. I am sorry you know this same pain. You have helped me more than anyone Ever has, Seriously :-)

I think there are many more people with experiences similar to yours than you might think.

Many will not talk about it at all because they are taught things such as spirits (just as an example) do not excsist .

I am sure they do. I have experienced paranormal instances.

But most of the things thought to be of paranormal origin are not, and can be explained and/or figured out by some good systematic investigation and logic.

Your brain is a powerful and wonderous thing that can be "upset" or caused to "malfunction" by any number of physical or psycological factors.
When this happens the brain can "implant" or cause false memories, hallucinations , unwarranted fear and depression and even create new personalties.

I believe in, and have seen the effects (many similar to those in the previous paragraph) caused by entities that seem to excsist with us , but only can be perceived in unusual and special circumstances.
I have been accused of lying about it , or being crazy and many other things.
I don't care. I know what happened and I know it was real, and I have experienced it more than a few times.

I think you are doing the right thing getting the mental and physical aspects checked first.
I also do not think what you described as happening to you was the work of an outside force.
But at the same time nothing should be ruled out until all the facts in.

You stay with a good healthy diet and get your vitamins . Be where the people around you are positive and can help you get through this.

Keep on with counsilling , I think everybody could benefit from time with a good professional counsilor.

Keep in touch though. I for one would like to see how you progress (and I have much faith you will) and I would like to discuss some of the otherworldly things you have experienced.

Be strong and stay focused on making your life better and happier and healthier.
Stay in touch.

Thank you a lot! I appreciate the support a lot :-) The people on here are great, it is nice to feel Accepted & Not judged in the slightest(Even when not at my best) :-) I Will take your advice & keep being healthy, Productive & Active. Thank You