38year old daughter & 17 year old grandaughter move in with me and wife, because her husband abusive to them both... They move out our home after two months. We put them in a home four blocks away and finacially support them, daughter stays at homne, granddaughter goes to last year of high schhool and is socailly active. I buy old clunker of car for grandaughter and give daughter 89 BMW... Five months later. Daughter has never invited us to her house and almost never comes to our house. Grandaughter only comes over when she wants money or something. Daughter and husband are going to reunite in Maryland after grandaughter graduates. Last week Husband buys the three of them 4g cell phones and all applications. Yesterday, wife askes daughter for cell phone numbers, daughter refuses... see the following e-mail sent to daughter that morining:

Upon reflection we are perplexed on how you have interacted with us since you moved. Obviously we failed to give you the climate where in you could talk to us when we cross the line. If you don't want to include us in your daily life you should tell us so we can stop second guessing ourselves and wondering. The only time we have seen Robin since you guys moved out is when she wants something. She comes in and bam as fast as she comes in she leaves... How is that supposed to make us feel?. How many times have you invited us to your house or how many times have you accepted doing something with us... Again how is that supposed to make us feel?. And now your conversation with Mom this morning... no really... really.. And about the cell phone... Wow. Well that's that. I hope the tone of this letter doesn't make you feel that I am mad, that is not my intent. We are just a little hurt and disappointed. This letter doesn't change anything for us as far as you two are concerned, just know we are here for you both.
Dad

Daughters reply...
I hear you and I am sorry both of your feelings are hurt. I am grateful to both of you for everything.
As you said before no one can ever know what this situation is truly like….My life has been shattered and I have to adjust…I feel that right now I can't worry or be too sensitive about how and what I need to do daily will hurt someone's feelings. That is a personality trait of mine that causes me great stress….making everyone happy. Another personality trait of mine is being alone and private more often than not. That is my comfort zone.
You both should always assume everything is OK unless I let you know otherwise. I am not rejecting you guys at all. I am just trying to live this new life and adjust based on what I need and what Robin needs.
I know everyone wants me to be the same person but that is impossible. I have to give myself time to adjust and allow myself to focus on me and adjust to the new Cathy and become comfortable with the new thoughts, new life, new habits, and save my family at the same time. I have to make decisions that are right for me and Robin and it is tough.
Emails are often misread or misunderstood so I hope you receive it as an explanation that helps you both understand.
Love to you both.
Me

If the husband can afford cell phones for them , he can pay the rent on the house too until they move to Maryland. Children can be very ungrateful and hurtful to their parents but you should not have to suffer for them.

Thanks for your prompt reply and that there are people who care for others
Randy

I never understand why people text and email family when there's a problem. Isn't it easier to simply either email and ask if you can sit down and talk (if you can't reach them by phone) and then do that - sit down and talk?

Emails are impersonal, words can be misinterpreted because no facial expressions are involved.

I'd sit down and discuss this.

I'm not an expert on these situations however I will do my best to shed some insight based on the question and attached e-mails/conversation.

There are so many things to consider in these types of matters that it makes it difficult to accurately interpret and then respond based on writings. If my response is unhelpful or "off track" I apologise in advance and recognize that I may not have the right answer based on my interpretation of the question or issue.

In my opinion your daughter appreciates you and she recognizes you've been there for her. She's not seemingly angry, malicious, deceptive and/or deliberately looking to hurt you or your wife. I think that she is looking for her space and regardless of the concern for her decision making ie) going back to an abusive relationship, she is an adult and has to venture through these life experiences, learn, and all we can hope is that she will make better decisions in the future for herself, her daughter and the relationship between her and you. I think that it has to be recognized your daughter is likely juggling the difficulties of her relationship, maintaining her role as a mother and providing as sound of an environment for your grand daughter as she can. You may feel or perceive that she could be doing better or providing better for your grand daughter and herself by making better decisions. Those decisions may seem simple and frivelous to you and your wife but if they were to her she would be making the good decisions that you want her to make. I think at this stage an occasional invite for dinner, coffee, a glass of wine or whatever your casual social habit is, would be the best approach. When she's ready or realizes that you and your wife are her supporters but not trying to control the decisions she makes, she may "come around" and be less tense or anxious about trying to juggle the expectations you and your wife have for her. It is very important that you understand your expectations aren't unreasonable, unfair or out of order but they're likely contributing to some of the pressures on her and she's shutting down by avoiding contact.

I think it's also important that you understand that financial contributions that lead to you and your wife's disappointment are actions that I would see from the outside looking in as a revolving door of disappointment. It is one thing to be supportive and helpful and it's another to want to do whatever it takes to take control of the situation. I think you should know that you're not being seen as "control freaks" but as caring parents who want control for the benefit of your family. That is why, in my opinion the key is to strike a balance between taking control and not being involved at all. I think if your grand daughter or daughter are repetively showing up for money that you consider ending that under the current circumstances. It is normal to give gifts for special occasions or help your daughter out when an unexpected life event takes place that is seemingly out of her control. I think you know that there's a fire being fed by the spontaneous requests for money and then disappearing until they need something again. Showing wholesome support comes from the effort to show that you want to be a part of your daughter's life by the simple things. For example the coffee conversation, the long walk together and even financially contributing to a family vacation where you go away together for bonding reasons instead of financially contributing to materialistic requests.

Anyway I think I've covered everything except that if you think your daughter or grand daughters well being and safety is in jeopardy that what I've said above no longer stands. Knowing someone in a violent or potentially violent relationship is difficult because you can't force them to get out of the relationship and the more you're involved the more things escalate. It is paramount, no matter how hard you are trying to maintain a balance in the relationship and be supportive but not controlling that you know that violence should be reported to police and/or social services/child welfare. If things are out of control and your daughter or grand daughters safety is compromised that it be reported regardless of the resulting potential reaction.

Hope this helps.

The problem started with an honourable enough solution. You and your wife rescued both your daughter and your granddaughter, from an abusive situation.

But, that solution has turned into who owes who, what, with nobody having set any boundaries, expectations, or effective long term solutions.

Instead of a helping hand, you have provided a home, pay all the expenses, and after the fact, expect to see some return on the investment you have made.

And it has ended up with your daughter making arrangements to go back to her abusive husband.

You cannot have expectations after the fact in other words.

If she is making arrangements to return to her husband, I'd say there is a good possibility that this situation will repeat itself again. When that happens, you can be much better prepared to really help her.

There has to be boundaries, reasonable expectations, and consequences. If and when she needs your help again, and she likely will, I would sit down with her, face to face, and list what will be required for the short term, until she is able to support herself and her daughter, on her own.

Counselling is a must. As she has explained what she sees her 'personality traits that have caused her great distress', need to be worked out with a therapist. If you choose to provide a home for her, she must be able to pay rent, and the expenses of living in that home, on her own, within six months. There will be no more running to your house for cash, by either her or your granddaughter, and no more cars with insurance, tags, and gas paid for. I don't know how old the granddaughter is, but she can get a part time job and buy bus tickets.

What you have essentially done now, is provide a comfortable life for her in a material way, that many of us (you probably included) had to earn the old fashioned way- by working hard for it. She needs to know that she has to do what she has to do to grow up, learn how to deal with her own problems, and forge a healthy lifestyle for herself and her daughter.

When and if this cycle repeats itself, be prepared to allow your daughter to use her own resources to provide for herself, and resist the urge to make this 'easier' for her. Because in so doing, if she has the comforts of home, and is never expected to provide for herself, she probably won't.

She needs to grow up, and you need to let her.