I'm not even sure if this is a question, but I feel the need to get my thoughts out somewhere, even if it is only online and anonymous.

I met this man at work. At the time he was my direct superior, but he has since been promoted. We see each other every day, and our personalities mesh astoundingly well. We have the same senses of humor, the same ways of expressing ourselves, etc... I wouldn't use the word "perfect" because that doesn't exist, but we work really well with one another.

I have a tendency to garner relationships that are a bit off-kilter and non-pc simply because my sense of humor consistently flirts with that line of impropriety, and I love a good non-pc joke. Heck, I even love the bad ones. He is the same way, and we constantly make sexist or racist jokes, getting a good laugh out of them. These jokes soon turned into subtle flirtation, and soon the flirtation became not-so-subtle.

Over time and after frequent interaction with this man, I developed feelings for him despite the fact that he has a serious girlfriend (dating for 3 years, known each other for over 10 years) with whom he lives. If the feelings were one-sided, there wouldn't be a problem. I've been in that situation before, and, while it sucked, there was no harm, no foul. But, you see, that's not the case, because he has feelings for me as well and has expressed them.

He has said, "I'm not going to leave my girlfriend," and that was OK... for a while. The flirtation kept my brain entertained while at work (I do mindless data entry for 6 hours a day), and I honestly didn't feel like there was any danger of getting hurt. It was just harmless flirtation, right?

Apparently not, being that I am sitting here typing out this post.

On three separate occasions, this man and I have given into temptation and made out in secret. Of course, it didn't go any further than that because I wouldn't let it, but the fact that it happened at all is absolutely reprehensible.

Additionally, I caught myself daydreaming today, wishing that he would break up with his girlfriend so that I could have him all to myself. I was shocked and humiliated by my selfishness and have decided that this must end. All of it. Being that it's currently 1:30am, I can't really do anything about it right now, but when the appropriate hours of communication arrive, I will most definitely be having a chat with him about how all of it must stop.

Like I said, I am completely humiliated. I would have never even dreamed that I would find myself in this situation, but here I am. I feel like a completely terrible person. I can only hope that, eventually, I will be able to make up for my grievous lapse in judgment and that God will forgive me for what I have done.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it? Did that work for you? If it didn't, what would you have done differently?

Thank you for any and all thoughts.

P.S. I know that what I did is wrong. Please don't respond with comments condemning me for my awful behavior. I'm already beating myself up enough about it.

I won't condemn you. Yes, you did something you shouldn't have, but you realize it, and you're putting a stop to it.

The fact is, he's to blame as well. Don't take all the guilt on your shoulders. He's in a relationship. At least you didn't cheat on anyone, other than yourself.

He's a cheater, and cutting him loose is really in your best interest. It will also make you feel a lot better.

I've only ever once had a love affair with someone that was in a relationship, but we were teens, stupid. She was angry, I was indifferent, he was just upset that he got caught. They ended up making up, and I moved on, found my husband (we met at 19) and we've been together for 20 years now.

It's amazing what you'll allow in your life when passion sweeps you away. It seems like you've now got your head back in the right place.

So, break it off and move on. No sense in beating yourself up over it. That's the nice thing about the past. It's in the past. :)

Making and staying within your own boundaries of good behavior saves you the guilt and humiliation of doing things out of impulse and bad judgment. You can't control how you feel sometimes but you do have control how you act.

If you learned from your mistakes, then forgive yourself, and do better next time. We all make mistakes, that's human.

I agree with Altenweg. I don't think that this makes you a terrible person.

I applaud you for writing us and also vowing to put a stop to it (in public!)

Doesn't that make your character much better than most?

It's not easy to admit a mistake, let alone to take action to do something about it.

Furthermore, you said "of course" you didn't let it go too far. But of course it's not of course!

Many people would have let it go farther (it seems clear that he would have done so), and simply justified it afterward.

Why not pat yourself and the back and congratulate yourself for nipping this in the bud, rather than condemning yourself?

I know-- easier said than done, but why not try it?

"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

[This description of OWH is quoted from Wiki: Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (March 8, 1841 – March 6, 1935) was an American jurist who served as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States from 1902 to 1932. Noted for his long service, his concise and pithy opinions, and his deference to the decisions of elected legislatures, he is one of the most widely cited United States.]

Sincerely,

SocialPsiTina


Sincerely,