I've been lurking on this site for ages, and read a lot of things that are similar to my experience. I don't know if what I am feeling is normal, or what my ex is doing has any explanation at all, but here it is.
I am 27, my now-ex is 28. We've been together for 5 years, lived together for 4. We've moved house a few times and three years ago moved to his hometown because it made sense for his work. I happily commuted for an hour and a half each way, every day to get to my own job, but it was cool, because I would have done anything for him.
We had a very happy and loving relationship, we went out, we had dinner, I did most domestic things, and then someone I worked with ( a guy) started chatting to me on Facebook. He was nothing but a friend, but my now ex started to go through my messages, and emails, and started putting together what he thought was an affair. During this time I felt like I needed to make some new friends, as I was living in an area I didn't know, so in my mind, the whole thing was platonic. This person then became obsessive, slowly at first, but then escalating to following me to work, sitting outside our house, threatening to go into my then partners work to tell him that we were seeing each other - we weren't. The whole time I tried to control the situation, and dealt with it on my own, but the guy got hold of my number through a person at work, and then called and texted literally hundreds of times a day. I eventually got the police involved, but still didn't tell my partner because I was ashamed that I'd brought it on myself. My partner was regularly checking my emails and messages to try and catch me out, even though it was entirely one sided. During this time he immersed himself in console and online gaming, stopped doing anything around the house, and I ket him take me for granted. All I wanted was for him to see I wasn't lying, but he refused to believe me. I started to resent him a little for treating me like his maid, a taxi, and personal chef, but wanted to keep him so badly I tried to do everything to keep him happy. One Friday, we had a huge fight, and he told me I was a liar, and that I was seeing this guy, and I made him feel sick. I went and stayed at my parents for a couple days, and then came back and we worked it out, we talked, and I told him he was the only person, and had only been the person I loved. We went on holiday, and talked about our future. We went away again on Holiday and talked about getting married and having a baby. I have never been so happy, and all the bad stuff was behind us.
It was close to xmas 2009 that things started to change. He lost interest in sleeping with me, and when I asked him about it he just said he was worried about me getting pregnant too quickly. I started the Pill, which made me quite sick, put on a lot of weight, but still persevered because I thought I was doing the right thing. By this time he was still playing computer games maybe 3-4 hours every night, not helping me carry in the food shopping, and I carried on because I still wanted to make him happy. Going on the pill made little difference in his interest in me, and although affectionate, we would sleep together maybe twice a month. It really upset me, but I just assumed he was too tired from work.
Last summer (2010) we seemed to get back on the right track, and in August I took a promotion which meant considerably more money, and we talked seriously again about trying for a baby. We agreed we would start trying early 2011. It was amazing, and I was so happy.
He was best man at his Best friends wedding in October, and then everything fell apart. I have never ever pushed him into a further commitment, it was always something we talked about together. By this time, he was playing world of warcraft every night, and sometimes all day at the weekends. It's not something I get, but I tried to join in too. Then on November 6th, he came home from work, I'd cooked Sausage rolls to take to a firework party, and he looked a bit down. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was worried about us. He said He wasn't ready for the things I wanted. He told me he wanted to be on his own, and then went to stay at his mum's. I just figured he wanted space, even though inside I was shattered. The next day I got home from work and he wasn't home. He sent me a text message to say that he thought this break was for the best, and he needed time to find himself, and he was sorry. I had a total and utter meltdown. It was literally like being stabbed in the chest. I called my mum, and she came and picked me up, and some of my things, because I didn't want to be on my own. I took a week off work, and tried to get answers. All his friends, who by now were my friends didn't understand it, his mother called me because she had no idea what was going on with him. Everyone was so nice and supportive. And like me, Nobody saw it coming. We were the model couple. I thought we were.
I spent 2-3 weeks at my parents, like a zombie. I didn't sleep, eat or do anything. It was right before christmas, which totally ruined my family's holiday by walking on eggshells around me, and anything I did just made me cry. I am not a crier. I'm usually the strongest person you'd ever meet, but I felt like my whole life had been ripped away, and I didn't know why. I still don't.
I went back to our flat, because I needed to get back to work, and said I wanted to keep the place, and he could move out. He keeps telling me he loves me, he's sorry for hurting me, and that I am still his best friend. He said he still wants me in his life. And I feel the same, I can't erase 5 years, and I don't want to.
It's taken him 9 weeks to move out, bit by bit, back to his mums. He's slept on the floor in the living room, and I slept in our bed. I say slept, but largely sat up crying looking at all our old photos, just not understanding.
I noticed he's starting to text a girl I know quite a lot. He's adamant he's not seeing her, but says she's the only one who he can talk to that won't cause gossip, and she's his sanctuary. He's now moving in with one of her friends in a flatshare. Brilliantly she used to be a stripper. He claims that it's not how I think, and repeats that he still loves me, and he won't ever stop caring, but if that's the case, why is he doing this? Everyone, his Mum, his friends think he's crazy & he's alienating everyone that loves him.But he won't listen to anyone, and the longer he's been here, the angrier I get with him. I've tried so hard to be nice, and be grown up, but this week I didn't cope well at all. He's now saying he felt trapped with me, and that the thing that happened with the guy from work ruined his confidence, and trust, and turned him into someone he didn't like - and this all happened over 2 years ago. I feel like I've been living a big fat lie for the whole time, and don't believe anything anymore. I love him so much, I just want him to come home, but he's like a stuck record, saying he wants to be on his own. I'm down to the last bag of his clothes, and then I can get my keys back.
Why would you say to someone, why would you plan a future and not carry on? The feeling of total despair that started the night he left won't go away, and I am exhausted from not being able to sleep, thinking about him and his new circle of pretty tattooed friends. I just wanted to feel something, which meant I cut up my arm, (not something I'm proud of) just to take the pain in my chest away. Last night, after an exchange of really vicious text messages, he said he wanted me to hate me, and then soon I would realise we could be great friends, but not together anymore. He threw me away, and I still don't get why. Don't normal people work through this stuff together?
This morning I snapped- I am tired, I've turned into a shell of a person, I don't eat, and I have barely any motivation to do anything at all. I am sick of crying, sick of feeling like a total fool, sick of missing him. I made an appointment to see my Doctor tomorrow morning so I can get some help because I don't think I can do this on my own anymore.
I'm not a kid, It's not my first relationship, but is there any hope he'll realise what a huge mistake he's making? And why would you say you wanted to be on your own and then go and get cosy with another girl? None of it makes any sense to me. It's so hard. :(

God that was a lot longer than I hoped, sorry, but anything helpful would be so appreciated.

X

Oh if you could hear yourself!
You got involved, platonic is beside the point, with a coworker and HID it from him, using the excuse that you were trying to make his (later) obsession go away on your own? I'm surprised your man didn't leave you then and there. Instead he bogged down in games and stewed silently, perhaps trying to talk himself into forgetting it. And now YOU can't understand why he wants some of the same?

Sometimes people really do have to even the score in order to forgive. I would suffer through this and hope he comes back.

I didn't 'get involved' emotionally or otherwise. Maybe it is payback. I made the 'friendship' very candid with him, until the freak behaviour started.
Thanks for your feedback.

5 years. Long time. What's happened has happened. Right, wrong or indifferent you can't change any of it now, you can only pave what's to come. Though I would like to say, keeping weird strange stalker type men quiet from a significant other, is dangerous and questions the inability to be open when in what could have been a threatening situation. Honesty, honesty, honesty.


I am not a crier. I'm usually the strongest person you'd ever meet

You need to find this girl again. I'm fairly positive if you and her had a face off she'd tell you exactly where its all at.. followed by what the hell are you doing cutting yourself!! A friend of a friend done it once.. for me it was just a cry for attention and self pity.

I am pleased to see that you're going to see a doctor.

Rather than you 'hope' he realises what a mistake he's making.. make it the biggest mistake he's ever made. So much so that when it comes to him grovelling for you back.. you can do the sympathetic.. 'too late, but we can be friends' speech.

Time to take back control of your life and destiny. You deserve better. Do you still have your job? Have you taken the promotion? Congratulations on that by the way.

Firstly you. You need to resurrect your former glory. The one that didn't take any crap. The one that had dignity and pride. Sometimes you need to get worse before you can get better. So throw everything that is a reminder of 'him'. What you had is done and gone its time to make a new future. Everything you do from this point on is for you.. and only you. Your life, your heart, your body your everything.

You appear to be goal orientated. So set some achieveable goals and some 'not so achievable - but gettable with effort' goals. Work in baby steps to them if you're feeling a little overwhelmed but set your sights on something positive.

So reasses your priorities in life, where you slot into it, how you want to slot back into it and work your way from there. Good luck at the Doc's.. hopefully another small positive step...

Your notion that you weren't involved is not what your partner, the man who became obsessed, and I are hearing. It was naïve of you to think that your 'new circle of friends' could be one man and that your partner wouldn't find that suspicious, and that this clearly defined (by you) friendship wouldn't be misconstrued. There's something about the way you write that seems to show that you may not have a clear sense of where you stand in relationships and what your culpability is. PLUS you tried to deal with it yourself, and didn't let your partner help! That alone would send me out the door. I think it's normal for him to want to try some time without you. And you think he is 'making a mistake' - there's no mistakes when someone wants out; it just is.
I am truly sorry for the pain you are feeling and have been there, not eating or sleeping. But it doesn't mean platitudes about how you handled it, sorry.

Sorry, since you say you have been around, you know we do not delete posts. There was no reason to deleted the post.

You can not choose who will answer or that you will like the answers given.

Wow, I know exactly what you mean about being a strong woman, yet not being able to get over"being thrown away". After a 1.5 years I have finally come to the conclusion that because I had none and still have no CONTROL of the situation. He was the only one with any control!!

This was one heck of a ordeal to go through, I actually didn't know if I would ever be the same. I didn't know how any individual could live with such emotional pain. How could someone you love throw everything away, with no more feeling then throwing away trash. Then he was living with another woman within a months time.

The worst was that I let him keep me on an emotional hook for this time. I couldn't believe it, that he was living with this other woman, but emailing me about how much he stilled dreamed about me, blah,blah.blah. I did go to counseling and it did help, it let me see how lucky I was that I wasn't stuck with this piece of crap for the rest of my life. I knew when we were together what an avoider he is!!

It will take time, and believe me I thought I would never be at this point were I can actually say, you will have your life back together and there will come a day where you will look back and be thankful your not stuck with this avoider of life!!

I am very glad to hear your going to a counselor, it does help, not overnight, but believe me it helps. Good luck

I wouldn't be surprised if Facebook is the #1 reason couples split up nowadays!

Coldroses, if your relationship was so great then why couldn't you talk with your ex , be honest and open from the start? It certainly suggest that you are trying to hide something so, it comes to no surprise that your ex is full of mistrust. I'm sure he was connecting all the dots and thinking, "why couldn't she talk to me?". All your acctions have lead him down the road of certain conclusions about you since we are perceived more by our actions than by whatever we say. That said, is he really making a mistake?

Also , it's a very telling sign when there is a communication problem by either one or both partners in a relationship. Perhaps your relationship was not all wonderful and great as you thought?

I have to agree with Joypulv in that I'm surprised that he didn''t leave you from not talking to him over the situation with the guy from work. It seems like he tried to forget about it all but, it was just too hard for him. The trust was gone.

But hey, what's done is done now. There's not much you can do to make him realize anything and nothing will bring him back but himself.

Good idea about going to the Doc's It's time to start moving on with life, healing and learning from this whole experience.

Hard to heal while you are still tortured by this thing being dragged out for so long. But as this chapter of your life closes, another will open.In the meantime a proper healing is definitely in order, and seeing a doctor is a good first step. Be patient with yourself as 5 years is hard to forget, and adjust to change, but eventually you will, learn to adjust. It's a long hard road, no lie, but it will make you stronger for sure.