canihaveaname
Jan 10, 2011, 09:28 AM
Here goes. This is my life so far sorry if its too long.
I have been going through what seems like constant turmoil in my life, especially the last 4 years. I'm 27.
I had a very happy childhood (ish) all the way up to 11 yrs old when my uncle died and my father got with his girlfriend.
What followed next over the next few years until I hit sixteen was horrible. My familly cut off from me and my father. No cousins, uncle or aunts. Nothing.(my mum had left me at a young age)
Worse was that the familly that my father had paired up with were very troubled indeed. Crime, history of abuse, and acusing other people of it etc. (I mean no offence to readers,the disturbing thing was the false accusations)
I had to watch the slow degradation of my father.and at the same time myself as I slowly got neglected and my dad for a long time wasn't his self. My schooling suffered, familly and finally my relashionship with my father.I was malnourished at times, had no clothes for school etc.
At 15/16 I was hanging around with the wrong types who I thought were my best buddies,(people I was told not to hang around with at one point but then encouraged by my father and associated to hang aroung with them)i started taking drugs to blott out what had happened to me. I ended up in a right mess, depressed and compleley heading down the wrong road.
I did have one good thing in my life and that was my job, I worked at one of the countrys top health hydros as a gardener, went to college and met some fantastic people.
Just as I getting myself back on my feet, my dad got into a load of trouble with this family, when one of the girls accused him of abuse.
I backed him but this nearlly destroyed me as I became very depressed all over again. I found th strength to pull myself out of the situation and moved into staff accommodation, and made a lot of long term good friends, I cut of all of my other dodgy friends I had over night, although I did go out party and do some stupid things, just to fit in I suppose. (the peolple I left behing would eventually go on to hard drugs crack addicts)
During this period I went through a stage where I was very happy, at least on the outside as I socialised and became a well loved and very popular person. My dad won the court case but was still in a mess, so I decided to let him get on with it. I still suffered from the occasional about of depression, but I continued on, gaining my qualiications and friends etc. I always found relashionships with peoplehard though afriad to get too close to girls, and just making very good friends with them, although I did have some very short relashionships.
Eventually I I found a lovely intelligent girl who I fell in love with, someone I could talk to and would listen to me, someone who understood me.
I began sorting my life out,moving on to my next stage and enrolled on a expensive computer course.
About 4 months into this stage, my girlfriend was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer at the age 23. I stuck with her whilst she went through chemo, and had her breasts removed but she finished me due to the long distance relashionship, and the fact at 21 I wasn't experienced enough to deal with it. Again I struggled a great deal with this and went through depression.
She recovered from the first about and found the strength to get her self back to work.we didn't go out but became very good friends, I got the feeling she wanted to get back with me,but I resisted as I didt want to mess her around and wanted to be a good friend to her.
I eventually recovered from that period moved into town maade new friends, as went out with my house mate who I was very good friends with and liked, just as I was settling down my dad rang up again saying that he had been accused of abuse AGAIN by someone else in the familly. That I needed to help him with the case a witness, write the statements as he was dislexic, and support him. I did back him although I had very little to do with him for the years leading up to that event, I felt some guilt for leaving him in the mess when we both had no family so just getting back in touch with him was tough enough.
I really didn't need the hasstle of the court case mind, but he kept emotional blackmailing me saying that he might kill himself due to the pressure that peopple were trying to run him over etc and how would I live with myself if the court case went wrong or he killed himself and I did nothing to help.
As I had no other familly at the time had left him for sometime although occasionally sending him money etc, I decided to grab the bull by the horns, aknowledge that that familly had ****ed us both up, and knowing that they had indeed accused other people and got done for lying before, I decided to go for broke and help him, I worked afull day at work,finished the day walked 2 miles up hill to his house, walk the dog, clear up the dog muck an look after the house whilst he was at work/worried sick. He would come home telling me/making up stories how he had been attacked and asked me to form the court case for him.
At the same time my girlfriend and I were constantly falling out, as she turned out to be a right *****, ans made things very difficult for me as she could, even stopping me going to see my ex girlfriend/friend who I used to talk to. The week before the court case went to court she went on holiday and cheated on me. Ignored all my phone calls etc. when she came back I was on the verge of having a breakdown. She tried to turn my friends against me.lied to me. On the night before I got the date for the court case, I went out got drugged up and serched for evidence of her cheating on me, I got her holiday snaps done and found the evidence, that he had indeed cheated on me. Essentually I was wrong to go through her stuff, but what she did at that time to me was awefull.
Never the less she used my shamefull moment against me and tried to turn my friends agisnt me, and spread rumurs around the place of work about me. I was already under a huge amount of pressure. This was unbearable.
A lot of the girls that I relied on as my sort of familly, sided with her an withdrew away from me when I really needed some support.I ended moving in to my dads run down house whilst he fort the court case. I was in a comp0lete mess. During that period I now aknowlegde that due too everyhting going on,I had an emotional breakdown. Severe anxiety and depression. I didn't go to the doctor I just grinned and beard it, worked right through it, at the place of wotk where all my friens were and my ex girlfriend. I helped dad out and the abuse case got chucked completely out of court. End of.
I had pulled myself through a complete nightmare. Although it had taken a great toll on me, it took a lot out of me and I still suffered severe depreesion. I started socialising again, won my friends back (well that group anyhow) and seemed to be getting over it. But I wasn't. I still in the complete mess that was my dads house. So run down and negected down the yrears that I couldn't invite any friends back, let alone a girlfriend.
Worse still I had promised myself that I would sort it out and felt responsible for ir, dad kept giving me hope and breaking promises by acting strange, lying all the time, not coming home for days on end etc. I started to do the house up, got central heating put in etc.
During this time I had also got back in touch wwith my long lost cousins, had regained my social respect back and was popular again. AGAIN just as I saw a chink of light down the tunnel, one of my best friends, and the only girl I ever loved lost her fight with breast cancer I was totally gutted and we all thought she had recovered.
I went to the funeral and this brough a lot of us closer together.
However, things turned into a horror story as on my return home. I walked in the house to find that the new cental heating system that the council had installed had burst. Spilling boiling hot water into the kitchen where the dogs were, killing them and destroying the whole house. On top of that I found out my dad was lying and hadn't paid the rent and so we wouldn't b able to buy the house that I had built up all of my hope on.
I had to go round the next day and explain to one of my best friends what had happened to one of his dogs he had given me to look after. AAHHHHHHHHHH!!
This brough about an awefull about of depresion that started all over again. I was totally shocked. I was so depressed because of this I couldn't get over it.
Eventually I decided to hand in my resignation from my place of work where I had been for 9 years and try to start my own business, and moved out of the place where I had so much trouble my dads. The worst thing about this is ALL my friends backed me. I had a lot of support. I cannot complian about that. But I was so unhappy behind the scenes that I could barely function day to day. On top of that I had increased the pressure on myself 100 fold. Eventually after a few jobs failed my conidence was shot. Depression set in and I was in big trouble. My friend who I was living with wanted to move back in so turfed me out with no where to go, probably because I had lost a lot of respect from erveryone who backed me. I ended sleeping on the sofa at my mates house for 2 weeks which was humiliating until eventually I had to bite the bullet and move back in with my dad.
I was working night ****s in a factory which made my depression ten times worse. I had now thrown my job away, lost all the respect I had built up with my friends, and ended back with my dad, in a worse state than I started with. I was in a right mess.
My depression kept on getting worse until I was going out and making a fool out of myself, I eventually had to quit my job because of it. I became so bad that I couldn't leave the house, concentrate on anything, depression was that bad. I found the strength, (with dads help I have to admit) to get up exercise eat properly, I got up found 2 jobs and vowed to get my respect back. Except I was no where near well enough for high pressure selling pressure. I pushed myself so hard to get up that I went dwon with extreme stress, I thought I was going to crack up and end up in a mental hospital. I wa put on anti depressants and everything trying to bring myself back round. I had lost both jobs that I had got only one week into getting them and once more all my friends backing me for me to totally humiliate myself.
I tried so hard to get myself back again even stopping tablets until I had a serious reaction which affected my vision. Unbelievable. Through that period of about 18 months I have been on and off tablets in and out of work and at times a complete mess. I now have startedd to recover, I'm off the dreaded ssri withdrawal syndrome, I do still get depressed, akthough I take st johns wort and omega 3 which helps.
I'm now trying to get myself back into work, most of my friends have moved on with there lives, although incredibly I DO STILL HAVE SOME FRIENDS I I'm meetinmg my cousins again in a couple o months.
But still, I can't quite get my head around just what has happened to me the last few years, so my ultimate question is this. Will this ever get better? Will I recover completely, get a girlfriend, job and earn the respect of my friends again?
Some feedback to my life essay would be very welcome. Thanks.
I have been going through what seems like constant turmoil in my life, especially the last 4 years. I'm 27.
I had a very happy childhood (ish) all the way up to 11 yrs old when my uncle died and my father got with his girlfriend.
What followed next over the next few years until I hit sixteen was horrible. My familly cut off from me and my father. No cousins, uncle or aunts. Nothing.(my mum had left me at a young age)
Worse was that the familly that my father had paired up with were very troubled indeed. Crime, history of abuse, and acusing other people of it etc. (I mean no offence to readers,the disturbing thing was the false accusations)
I had to watch the slow degradation of my father.and at the same time myself as I slowly got neglected and my dad for a long time wasn't his self. My schooling suffered, familly and finally my relashionship with my father.I was malnourished at times, had no clothes for school etc.
At 15/16 I was hanging around with the wrong types who I thought were my best buddies,(people I was told not to hang around with at one point but then encouraged by my father and associated to hang aroung with them)i started taking drugs to blott out what had happened to me. I ended up in a right mess, depressed and compleley heading down the wrong road.
I did have one good thing in my life and that was my job, I worked at one of the countrys top health hydros as a gardener, went to college and met some fantastic people.
Just as I getting myself back on my feet, my dad got into a load of trouble with this family, when one of the girls accused him of abuse.
I backed him but this nearlly destroyed me as I became very depressed all over again. I found th strength to pull myself out of the situation and moved into staff accommodation, and made a lot of long term good friends, I cut of all of my other dodgy friends I had over night, although I did go out party and do some stupid things, just to fit in I suppose. (the peolple I left behing would eventually go on to hard drugs crack addicts)
During this period I went through a stage where I was very happy, at least on the outside as I socialised and became a well loved and very popular person. My dad won the court case but was still in a mess, so I decided to let him get on with it. I still suffered from the occasional about of depression, but I continued on, gaining my qualiications and friends etc. I always found relashionships with peoplehard though afriad to get too close to girls, and just making very good friends with them, although I did have some very short relashionships.
Eventually I I found a lovely intelligent girl who I fell in love with, someone I could talk to and would listen to me, someone who understood me.
I began sorting my life out,moving on to my next stage and enrolled on a expensive computer course.
About 4 months into this stage, my girlfriend was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer at the age 23. I stuck with her whilst she went through chemo, and had her breasts removed but she finished me due to the long distance relashionship, and the fact at 21 I wasn't experienced enough to deal with it. Again I struggled a great deal with this and went through depression.
She recovered from the first about and found the strength to get her self back to work.we didn't go out but became very good friends, I got the feeling she wanted to get back with me,but I resisted as I didt want to mess her around and wanted to be a good friend to her.
I eventually recovered from that period moved into town maade new friends, as went out with my house mate who I was very good friends with and liked, just as I was settling down my dad rang up again saying that he had been accused of abuse AGAIN by someone else in the familly. That I needed to help him with the case a witness, write the statements as he was dislexic, and support him. I did back him although I had very little to do with him for the years leading up to that event, I felt some guilt for leaving him in the mess when we both had no family so just getting back in touch with him was tough enough.
I really didn't need the hasstle of the court case mind, but he kept emotional blackmailing me saying that he might kill himself due to the pressure that peopple were trying to run him over etc and how would I live with myself if the court case went wrong or he killed himself and I did nothing to help.
As I had no other familly at the time had left him for sometime although occasionally sending him money etc, I decided to grab the bull by the horns, aknowledge that that familly had ****ed us both up, and knowing that they had indeed accused other people and got done for lying before, I decided to go for broke and help him, I worked afull day at work,finished the day walked 2 miles up hill to his house, walk the dog, clear up the dog muck an look after the house whilst he was at work/worried sick. He would come home telling me/making up stories how he had been attacked and asked me to form the court case for him.
At the same time my girlfriend and I were constantly falling out, as she turned out to be a right *****, ans made things very difficult for me as she could, even stopping me going to see my ex girlfriend/friend who I used to talk to. The week before the court case went to court she went on holiday and cheated on me. Ignored all my phone calls etc. when she came back I was on the verge of having a breakdown. She tried to turn my friends against me.lied to me. On the night before I got the date for the court case, I went out got drugged up and serched for evidence of her cheating on me, I got her holiday snaps done and found the evidence, that he had indeed cheated on me. Essentually I was wrong to go through her stuff, but what she did at that time to me was awefull.
Never the less she used my shamefull moment against me and tried to turn my friends agisnt me, and spread rumurs around the place of work about me. I was already under a huge amount of pressure. This was unbearable.
A lot of the girls that I relied on as my sort of familly, sided with her an withdrew away from me when I really needed some support.I ended moving in to my dads run down house whilst he fort the court case. I was in a comp0lete mess. During that period I now aknowlegde that due too everyhting going on,I had an emotional breakdown. Severe anxiety and depression. I didn't go to the doctor I just grinned and beard it, worked right through it, at the place of wotk where all my friens were and my ex girlfriend. I helped dad out and the abuse case got chucked completely out of court. End of.
I had pulled myself through a complete nightmare. Although it had taken a great toll on me, it took a lot out of me and I still suffered severe depreesion. I started socialising again, won my friends back (well that group anyhow) and seemed to be getting over it. But I wasn't. I still in the complete mess that was my dads house. So run down and negected down the yrears that I couldn't invite any friends back, let alone a girlfriend.
Worse still I had promised myself that I would sort it out and felt responsible for ir, dad kept giving me hope and breaking promises by acting strange, lying all the time, not coming home for days on end etc. I started to do the house up, got central heating put in etc.
During this time I had also got back in touch wwith my long lost cousins, had regained my social respect back and was popular again. AGAIN just as I saw a chink of light down the tunnel, one of my best friends, and the only girl I ever loved lost her fight with breast cancer I was totally gutted and we all thought she had recovered.
I went to the funeral and this brough a lot of us closer together.
However, things turned into a horror story as on my return home. I walked in the house to find that the new cental heating system that the council had installed had burst. Spilling boiling hot water into the kitchen where the dogs were, killing them and destroying the whole house. On top of that I found out my dad was lying and hadn't paid the rent and so we wouldn't b able to buy the house that I had built up all of my hope on.
I had to go round the next day and explain to one of my best friends what had happened to one of his dogs he had given me to look after. AAHHHHHHHHHH!!
This brough about an awefull about of depresion that started all over again. I was totally shocked. I was so depressed because of this I couldn't get over it.
Eventually I decided to hand in my resignation from my place of work where I had been for 9 years and try to start my own business, and moved out of the place where I had so much trouble my dads. The worst thing about this is ALL my friends backed me. I had a lot of support. I cannot complian about that. But I was so unhappy behind the scenes that I could barely function day to day. On top of that I had increased the pressure on myself 100 fold. Eventually after a few jobs failed my conidence was shot. Depression set in and I was in big trouble. My friend who I was living with wanted to move back in so turfed me out with no where to go, probably because I had lost a lot of respect from erveryone who backed me. I ended sleeping on the sofa at my mates house for 2 weeks which was humiliating until eventually I had to bite the bullet and move back in with my dad.
I was working night ****s in a factory which made my depression ten times worse. I had now thrown my job away, lost all the respect I had built up with my friends, and ended back with my dad, in a worse state than I started with. I was in a right mess.
My depression kept on getting worse until I was going out and making a fool out of myself, I eventually had to quit my job because of it. I became so bad that I couldn't leave the house, concentrate on anything, depression was that bad. I found the strength, (with dads help I have to admit) to get up exercise eat properly, I got up found 2 jobs and vowed to get my respect back. Except I was no where near well enough for high pressure selling pressure. I pushed myself so hard to get up that I went dwon with extreme stress, I thought I was going to crack up and end up in a mental hospital. I wa put on anti depressants and everything trying to bring myself back round. I had lost both jobs that I had got only one week into getting them and once more all my friends backing me for me to totally humiliate myself.
I tried so hard to get myself back again even stopping tablets until I had a serious reaction which affected my vision. Unbelievable. Through that period of about 18 months I have been on and off tablets in and out of work and at times a complete mess. I now have startedd to recover, I'm off the dreaded ssri withdrawal syndrome, I do still get depressed, akthough I take st johns wort and omega 3 which helps.
I'm now trying to get myself back into work, most of my friends have moved on with there lives, although incredibly I DO STILL HAVE SOME FRIENDS I I'm meetinmg my cousins again in a couple o months.
But still, I can't quite get my head around just what has happened to me the last few years, so my ultimate question is this. Will this ever get better? Will I recover completely, get a girlfriend, job and earn the respect of my friends again?
Some feedback to my life essay would be very welcome. Thanks.