Brief History - Been separated for 3 months now. I thought I was happily married, we were best friends, amazing parents etc... He was always loving, affectionate and caring. We have 3 children. I am 29yrs and he is 35. Been together for 9 years. One weekend he was a bit down. I asked what was wrong, he said we need to talk, he then told me he loves me, but isn't in-love anymore, sees me as a best friend and not a wife. He says he still finds my sexually attractive, but doesn't feel in-love anymore...

Anyway, as I said we were happily married, he was only ever miserable about money and his job that he loathed as he hated it and felt trapped there. He says he felt the spark had gone etc... I always tried to be adventurous, but he was always lazy. Anyway I'm better off without. Since the separation took place, he hasn't really bothered with the kids. He sees them 1 day a week and they never hear from him the rest of the week, no phone call. They are 6yrs, 4yrs and 1 yr old! I just don't understand him, he left his family and now doesn't seem to care. I have lost 2 stone since he left due to the stress of everything, back down to a lovely size 12, finally lost my baby weight, lol! He keeps commenting on it and acting concerned, asking if I'm eating, if I have had any tea etc... Why does he care?? Also he says bizarre things like 'he doesn't want me to feel like damaged goods', He said ' I wouldn't be surprised if there was a line of guys dying to go out with you'. What is he playing at?
Honestly though he had it all here, but took it 4 granted, I honestly don't know if he cheated, but he left a wife that adored him, 3 gorgeous children, for what seems like trivial things that could have been easily worked at (again though he is lazy). He seems focused on it being over, even saying he doesn't love me 'at all!! '?? ( I expected him to at least say he loves me as the mother of his children, but not at all?? C'mon! )
Will he wake up one day and deeply regret what he is doing? Whatever that is! Midlife Crisis? Depression? I've had enough of waiting and trying to talk to him. He won't talk and is being incredibly stubborn. It's been 3 months and he ain't budging, but I can't help thinking is it also too soon to divorce? Am I rushing into things?? Hmmmmmmm? (Wish I knew what was truly going on with him)

P.S my weight was never a problem, I have lost 2 stone, but he never mentioned my baby weight ever being an issue, in fact regularly told me and showed me how attractive I was )


When he said we were over, I asked if he wanted and divorce and he said NO! I explained that if he didn't want to be with me anymore we would have to get divorced at some point, he then muttered, I suppose we will get a divorce then (in a rather sulky manner?? )

Time to move on Sarah. You cannot live his life and he has made it clear he does not include you or the kids in his. Show yourself and everyone else that you value your life as a person and as a mother. Move on.

I think part of it might be Male Provider Inadequacy (I just made that up) - all because he hates his job, and feels who would love a man who doesn't bring home the bacon? We hear all the time about how much women need to feel valued and beautiful and how men just want sex and a good cook. But men do want to feel like their prowess slaying the saber tooth tiger brings great admiration, and he can't get that as long as he hates his job. He may have fantasies about being free of money and responsibility and hence, can't 'love' you. His laziness might be depression.
I'm guessing, of course - only he knows, but he might not really know. That damaged goods remark may not be from caveman days, but it's pretty close, and he might be very, very traditional deep down.

I disagree about moving on and agree with joy, especially about depression. What about marriage counseling?

(Note: Most couples fall out of love with each other somewhere along the way, but they don't give up and get a divorce. They WORK ON their marriage. That's why being married is so much better than just living together. Marriage makes a couple responsible to each other -- and any children they have.)

I think the poor goof is so unhappy with himself that he wants a change, and thinks that starts with leaving his responsibilities. He feels trapped, and interesting you use the term lazy, because he has taken the easy way out, by leaving but hesitates at the divorce idea. I don't know if he is depressed, I am not a doctor, but what he does, or is doing, is not as important as what you do about it.

Let me ask you where is he staying, and the finances since he left, before he left?

Do you work? Are you independent?

What type of job does he have that he hates so much?

Does he drink, or do any type of drugs? Do you know his friends?

How does he spend his free time?

Have there been major changes in your lives besides a child over the last year?

And finally his education level? Do you rent or own?

The most telling part of your story, is his lack of attention to his children, and that could be more than just a lack of spark for you, but an attempt to run away, either from fear, or a feeling of inadequacy, for some reason.

I hardly think you are at the heart of this though, HE IS! It hurts I know for you, but I think you have missed something by taking it personally. That you think things were wonderful, yet he left, is very telling on whether you two were on the same page. That's why I asked for more specific information from you.

You really need to start putting you and your children first and move on.

No one can tell you what he's thinking for sure, but in my opinion there's another woman in the story somewhere.

You don't deserve the treatment you're getting, so I'd advise you to file for divorce and be certain to request the maximum support from him.

Will he regret the decision he's made? Possibly. Some people have a conscience and some don't.

Just wondered what the outcome of this was sarah... I see it was over a year ago.. I am in a similar position now and would be interested to see what happened for you?