We've been together a little over a year, live together and have since we first started dating. Friends first, turned into "lovers." He's always been very slow at making moves and never pushy, which is what first attracted me to him cause I've had some terrible things happen in the past.

But he's admitted that his lack of sexual involvement has not only been a problem with us but in past relationships. We've talked about it. It has been acknowledged and still nothing.

I went through the whole "I'll surprise him withe lingerie" and nothing. Ignored. Basically throwing myself at him. He once said I'd never done a certain thing, so one morning I tried and he ran away to urinate and that was that.

At first, I immediately thought he was cheating or just didn't have feelings for me anymore, but no that doesn't "seem" to be the problem. I just don't know what to do. It's seriously wreaking havoc on myself esteem. I don't even feel like a woman anymore. I just keep running through my head, maybe my boobs aren't big enough or maybe I'm not tall enough, or maybe I don't dress the way he likes - all these things are so ridiculous to be stressing over because in the past I've had boyfriends that I wished would leave me alone once in a while, but this is ridiculous.

It hurts so much. I've even looked into becoming a stripper just for the envy of men so I can feel like a woman again, but at a size A I'd never be hired, so there goes the whole lack of self-esteem in the breast dept again. Ugh! I just want to go to a bar and let any loser have me just to feel wanted again, I'm so desperate that even at the expense of being used is starting to look attractive.

I mentioned therapy to be shot down again. What else can I possibly do? I've given up on bringing it up. Tried the whole forgetting about it thing so that I wasn't pressuring him but nope. That hasn't worked either.

Hopeless, loveless.

How old are you both... It helps us tailor our answers better.

I'm 32 and he's 30. Thanks

#1... don't worry about your breast size... my wife's an "A" as well, and I'm perfectly happy with them... Big is nice, little is nice... everything in between is nice.

Don't worry about you height either. I've always been partial to petite for example. After all, he liked you when you met... he's fine with you now... unless you put on major amounts of weight... I'm sure that not the issue.

That leaves medical and mental... has he had a phyical lately? Is he on any medications... has he been nder a lot of stress aover work or money like so many of us have been. Any of those can squash a libido. And at 30 he's more suceptible than he would have been at 20, that's why I asked ages.

Well, stress about work and money has been an issue since August but before then he was working at a job that didn't necessarily pay any better but he was having more fun at and still sex wasn't any different.

I think you two are a bad match. He has little libido and seems happy with things that way. It sounds cold, but you are young and can find someone else. You are not married and have no children together. You are not obligated to stay.

I doubt you can change him or he just needs a pill. And the answer is not infidelity or stripping. You need to break up with him and find someone whose libido is better matched to your own. Sad answer. But the alternative is you feeling worse and gradually becoming angrier with him for just being who is he, a not very sexual person.

PS. The only other thought I have is that a lot of young women come here and it turns out that their boyfriend or husband masturbates to porn so much that making love to a real woman feels like "work."

Has he seen a doctor for any posible physiological issues? Diabetes, prostate issues, high blood pressure, the list goes on, all of which can cuase HUGE issues on libido, sometimes with no other side effects.

I also second smoothys question on medications. You didn't say if he was or not taking any.

I'm pretty sure it's psychological but no he's not on meds I'm aware of.

Though he does smoke pot at least once a week

I do thank you for the physio possibilities, but he's said himself, he's had these issues for a long time. Course didn't tell me that in the beginning..

Pot smoking, stress at work, worry over money... add into that he's hit 30 and may have undiagnosed medical issues... any of those alone can kill a libido... add them together and you have a sure thing... PLUS any undiagnosed medical issues.

Pot is a libido killer.

If he put the ganja down, he'd have more of a sex drive.

BUT--I really think this is a case of mis-matched libidos. You are NEVER going to change his. If you are at the point of sleeping with strangers to feel attractive, I'd just break up with this guy and find someone whose libido is a closer match.

The problem existed long before you came into his life. Since he admits the issue occurred in his previous relationships, it looks like he is content with the way he is and doesn't think he has to do anything to find out what might be causing his problems. He has essentially said that he doesn't care about his partner's needs and that is not a good mindset in a healthy relationship.

He has tried making his issues yours and you should not accept that from him or anyone else. If he is unwilling to help himself or work with you, then you need to decide if there is enough of a relationship to support your needs while you adjust to his or if letting go and moving on would be best for both of you. Frankly, I advise moving on because you are already feeling the effects of his not caring about your needs and it won't get easier.

Good luck in making your decision. Whatever you decide to do, we will give you any advice and help we can. Sometimes having a safe place to rant can be a big help.

Hey Bridget,
My boyfriend and I have the same issue, he is very intimate with you, but when it comes down to having sex he is never in the mood. I wanted to know if you guys are still together and if so, has he changed?

I want to know how this worked out too! I've been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and it's been the same for most of our relationship and so frustrated and sad. :( He smokes weed too and going to doctor in a few days, I won't hold my breath as he went before and doctor did nothing. We're both 30. He won't even try, doesn't even feel like kissing, I'm so lost. :'(