For months my colleague and I have been increasingly drawn to each other. We are both in our 40s, and married (me, unhappily so). Every time we meet, there seems to be a strong feeling between us. At the Christmas party I got a bit tipsy and told him how much I liked working with him, and how nice it was to have a friend at work. I asked to borrow his phone to get a ride home. He asked me if I was calling my husband and I said yes, but he is not answering. When I tried to call my husband again, my colleague got angry and said, "he's not answering, this doesn't make sense". He brought up his wife and I said, "oh you are always talking about your wife!" To which he responded, "why aren't you talking more about your husband?" I took this to mean that he thought that our relationship somehow needed some boundaries that I wasn't willing to give. Anyhow, he came to see me yesterday and told me that he wasn't unhappy with what I said to him at the party (I can't really remember) and asked me what he should do the next time I got like how I was at the party. He jokingly asked if he should call my husband but I felt like he was testing the waters a bit about my husband. He seemed to bring him up several times. He also said my name twice in such a way that seemed almost reflective, or really personal in any case. I don't know what to make of this strange relationship. It is almost as if we are involved in some sort of emotional relationship or am I just making this up in my head? I know that every time I meet with him, I am filled with a very strong personal feeling that I find hard to describe. I am left asking myself always, "what is going on here?" Why such a strong reaction from me to this? Very little is being said between us, but there seems to be a real current flowing underneath this relationship. Or am I mad?

Yes, I definitely feel that both of you know there is an emmotional connection here. Time to pump the brakes! I wouldn't say that you are having an full blown affair but you are certainly headed that way!

Same happened to me at work. I ended up having an affair with him and ruined my and his marriage. We both ended up back with our partners. I was forced to get another job as I couldn't keep seeing him all the time. If you are unhappy go for it. Depend show he feels about his wife. No point being tohether iof you are not happpr.

Work place relations often can be full of intrigue and dramatic in our own heads Tempting and fanciful. But you know right from wrong, and you also know we wouldn't be having this conversation if you were happy at home would we?

Don't let this sideshow distract you from what should be a priority, your own unhappy home. You talk loads about some co worker and an underlying tension that you assume he shares, and feels to. Weird ambiguous conversations and the way he says your name. For crissake woman, write a book why don't you, and leave this drama and intrigue to the soap operas and carry you but home and figure out how to make your own home happy. If you can't do that, then not only will you have lost reality, and languish over easy boundaries to follow, but you risk losing ail you worked for over BS!!

Do yourself a favor, leave the fantasy stuff where it belongs, and deal with your "strong attraction" in a mature way without crossing the lines of good behavior, and focus on your home and husband. Amazing how this is about some co worker, and not about your husband not being available to pick you up, or your unhappy home.

You better pay attention to your priorities, before you are unhappy at home and work! This ain't day of our lives, its real life, so get real, and keep it real.

There's a current there (for you anyway), and of course it feels intriguing, but that should serve as a warning sign to you to back off now before you do or say something stupid. Keep it strictly professional if need be.

As was said, if you aren't happy at home, do something about it. Put your attention into your marriage. Have you talked to your husband about not being happy, needing more attention from him, wanting to spend more time together, or whatever the concerns may be? Consider counseling if need be.

If you find that it just isn't going to work, then you leave your husband and deal with all that would entail before you even begin to entertain the idea of being with someone new... and certainly have the decency and integrity not to be with a married man.

It sounds to me that you were more than 'tipsy' if you said things to him, and you aren't sure what you said. Likely you came on to him with more than, "May I please use your phone to call my husband for a ride home".

He sounds like he was annoyed because you had his phone, and weren't able to reach your husband, and perhaps that is why he offerd to call him for you the next time you got 'tipsy'.

Just my take on it, but if he's mentioning both his wife, and your husband, several times in one conversation, chances are he's probably trying to tell you that he's not interested.

I would take his question of what he should do the next time something like that happens, as a hint to have your own phone handy, or use someone else's.

Thanks for all your comments. I don't know if this is all in my head. But for sure, I have tried for years to talk to my husband about our marriage and begged him to go into marriage counseling. Each time we go he stops after a few weeks, claiming he is too busy. He is completely uninterested in sex and I have spent a decade trying to entice him to become a partner to me. Our son has some learning problems and a divorce is out of the question for the sake of the children. So, I guess I was grabbing at straws. Maybe the thought that someone might be interested in me in my forties, and married went to my head. Time to crawl back into my lonely cave. I can see there is only one future for me and I suppose that means that I will be married and alone at the same time. I have to say, it was wonderful to hear my colleague say my name in that reflective way. I felt like I existed for the first time in a long time!

Harshness warning

Oh, get off your pity pot! You don't solve your problems by crawling in a cave, and going, oh woe is me! You don't stay in a bad situation by saying, oh poor me!

Your husband won't go to counseling, you go yourself, the situation is so bad? Get out of it. You don't stay for your kids! You make a happy life for yourself, and them without him!

Some counseling may give you the courage, and strength to deal with your problems, and not sit in a cave and do nothing. You want to be happy, get busy and get some happiness, in a healthy way for you and your child, and not wallow in your own sh1t, as nothing changes doing that.

Hogwash! Self-pity will get you nowhere!

What does your husband say when you tell him that you are not happy with how the marriage is going? Ask him if he is too busy to work on the marriage with you. He may have listened before, but perhaps he never really "heard" what you were trying to say. Tell him outright that you need him to be a marriage partner to you... that includes being intimate, showing attention, being supportive. Sometimes women will "go fishing", or give hints, or assume men know what is being said and asked for, but it doesn't always get across to them!

Point blank: "Look, for quite sometime now I have not been happy with how our marriage is going. I thought I had expressed my concerns before, for example the desire to see a marriage counselor and trying to get your attention sexually, but perhaps I wasn't being clear enough as to how unhappy, lonely, and unappreciated I have been feeling. I want to spend more time with you, I need you to show an interest in being with me, I need to know that you are fully committed to working with me to improve our relationship." Lay it all out on the table for him so there is no question that change is necessary and that you are open to working together with him to improve the marriage. You might even share with him that having another man just saying your name in a caring manner the other day made you feel like you existed, something you hadn't realized how badly you needed, something you long to feel from him. Hopefully, expressing yourself in such a way, and it can be uncomfortable if you aren't used to it, will be a catalyst for him to finally see what he could possibly lose.

As you work on the marriage, work on your own sense of self-worth and esteem. Are there things you could do that would make you feel better about yourself? If so, take action and get started on it.

IF, it just isn't going to work... consider the ramifications of staying in such a relationship can have on your son. Is it the example of marriage you want your son to know and carry forward? I know for a fact that there are single men who would be interested in someone in their forties!

I hope you can get through to your husband, but looking for attention from another man, especially a married man, is not the answer.


ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Must be on the same wave-length!

Threads have been merged


A few months ago I wrote about a colleague with whom I felt a strong attraction. We are both married but there has been this strong undercurrent between us for some time... I got a bit tipsy at a Xmas party and sort of came on to him. He had mentioned something about his wife, and I said "why are you always talking about your wife?" And he said, "why do you never talk about your husband?" Basically I stepped over the line and so withdrew really quickly when he asked me about it several days later. He kept asking what about my husband? We had lunch once after that and he again asked me about my husband, but it was a pretty casual work related conversation. Recently, he just returned from a trip and he sent me an e-mail saying that he had found a possible house for some friends of mine who were looking for a new home. I said thanks and we should catch up sometime. He has invited me for lunch. I suggested grabbing a sandwich and going outside and he said this sounds good. To be honest, I would like to have an affair with him (no morality please!). I feel like there is something more than friendship here, but I can't tell... From my side, I feel a deep physical attraction whenever I am with him even though he is not incredibly attractive. How do I broach the issue with him? How do I know if he is also interested?

Sounds as if he's interested in his wife ( he's always talking about her).

YOU may feel a strong attraction to him but HE most likely does not feel that way about you.

From your words it sounds to me like he is telling you in a nice way that he's not interested,by pushing this you could find yourself in very hot water, your lust is blinding you to the very obvious, he's not interested in having an affair.

Also, did you answer his question,
Why don't you talk about your husband?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/am-moving-towards-affair-am-disillusional-536570.html

Ok, I'll give you all the reasons you should not get involved as I made the wrong choice and did get invovled with a colleague previously. Here's my list:
- You are both married and committed to someone else
- EVERYONE including your spouses and children will get hurt
- You will get emotionally attached and long for him on weekends and holidays
- It's a complete emotional rollercoaster. Expect to suffer mentally, physically and emotionally
- Every day you wake up wondering if he will decide to walk away and completely avoid you.
- When you're together and/or have his attention you will feel on top of the world but that also means when you don't hear from him and you're apart you will equally feel the other side and that is pain, longing, suffering, sadness, despair, depression, neediness, anxiety etc. Yeah, not fun!
- Once you cross the line you lose out on a potential great platonic friendship. I had a platonic friendship with my colleague for four years. After a team outing and several cocktails he professed his feelings and instead of standing my ground and sticking to my morals I caved. **** I never thought about him that way until he fed me the perfect lines and told me I'm perfect, beautiful, wonderful. How pathetic of me but I learned my lesson
- If discovered you could potentially both lose your jobs
- When it ends you have to face him day in and day out and that will be absolute hell
- A physical attraction is healthy but recognize when it goes this far that something is clearly lacking in your marriage. Why not work on that first? You obviously loved your husband enough to marry him.

Please please please reconsider and if you have to keep your distance until you move on do so. If I could rewind time I NEVER NEVER NEVER would have gone there. I have to say it was the biggest mistake of my life. I was fortunate in that due to traveling I didn't have to see him for months and that facilitated the ending. Thank GOD!

How do I broach the issue with him?
You don't, the only broaching you do is with your husband. You tell him what you have told us and that you are going to counseling, to help you decide what to do about this marriage, so you can be single and ho around.

How do I know if he is also interested?
He is married, and you both have a lot to lose, including your jobs once the lust you have fades. You both should be solving your problems at home, and leave becoming two lying cheating losers hiding in cheap motels to real lying cheating losers.

Look I know you want better for yourself, but there are better ways to get it without the risks you obviously are ignoring. No one is going to give you advice how to scratch your itch by cheating. So get yourself in counseling and leave your lust bunny alone.

Your failure to act within the boundaries of good behavior will have consequences to pay, and maybe you are willing to do that, but you have a son who will pay also. The price is very high when you want your cake and eat it to so talk to someone fast for better options, or get a few vibrators.

Quit being selfish and thinking about what you are feeling and what you want. There are too many other players in this game who you are discounting. Is it worth the respect of your son? Is it worth your own self-respect?

End all contact with him. Get this fantasy out of your head.

He sounds like a decent sort of guy who has no intention of hooking up with you or anyone else. Don't mess with him and cause problems for him. Your attention should be on your marriage. If you aren't happy... leave, then rebuild your life on your own. Only then should you consider being with someone else... and certainly not someone who is married.

Look, you obviously know it is wrong... (no morality?? ), so be the smart woman that you are and figure out a way to rebuild your marriage (counseling perhaps) or how to rebuild your life on your own.

You're married,he's married-'you would like to have an affair with him' and you want 'no morality,please'-then I have no comment.

To be honest, I would like to have an affair with him (no morality please!). I feel like there is something more than friendship here, but I can't tell... From my side, I feel a deep physical attraction whenever I am with him even though he is not incredibly attractive. How do I broach the issue with him? How do I know if he is also interested?

If you don't like the reality of your marriage, get out of it.

If divorce is 'out of the question because of the children', then so should cheating on your husband. As a parent, I know full well that I have to live the lessons I want my children to learn. You may not want to think about morals in relation to yourself, but you may want to think about the ones you would be teaching your children. Yes, they do find out and it teaches them a lesson about trust and respect in a relationship that I don't think you want to be responsible for.

The fantasy you are telling yourself is just that a fantasy. It is a dream. It is a romance novel. Stop telling yourself Disney-style fairy-tales where everyone has a happy ending no matter what happens in the story. He isn't a Prince Charming and you aren't Snow White. If you get together there won't be any birds singing and deer dancing around. 'They lived Happily Ever After' will not appear in out of thin air. Life will still go on the way it has been because you won't have 'fixed' anything. You might even end up divorced anyway.

Happiness is something that you have to find in yourself. If you need help finding it, talk to a counselor. Get involved in hobbies and interests that help build up yourself respect instead of destroying yourself. Put your energy into positive things like working on what you see as negatives in your life. Don't just sweep the issues under a rug and pretend that having sex with someone else is taking care of the problems.

Make your life better-not worse.