Hi, I am new here. This is my first post.
What brought me here is that I have just put an ultimatum to my partner. We have been together for over a year now and have moved in to live together 3 months ago. We have a serious relationship and have been talking about marriage. Problem is with the ex-partner of my partner with whom he lived for 10 years and have 3 children, but only one youngest is his daughter. Anyway, they split 2 years ago. Him and I live abroad and he does not really see them. The problem is that I feel like he is still taking care of that family more than he does of me. He has 4 houses. 3 of them he registered in the names of the kids. One is where she and kids live now. He is not entitled to any of the house. Maybe only to the one where she and kids live now after kids grow up. Ok, I have given up hope that he could get at least one of them where we could live. After all it is not about money but love. But the last straw was that he can't even get his car back for which he is still paying. And she is using it. She has 2 cars. One is old and one is new. Both are in his names. But he can't even ask one car back for us. I just don't understand. We need at least one car. It is difficult. We have just moved into a new country and we are buying furniture and stuff, and we can't even drive to a nearby shop to get stuff. We take trains and buses. Is this normal? We had this conversation before and he promised that he will fly back and bring the car here. Well he did fly back and in fact he is still there however he told me that she is not giving him car. Once she new he came to take the car, she put it into her friend's garage and he can't get hold of it. He even had a fight with the owner of the garage. I really think he is lying to me and that it is all BS. He just can't confront her as was the case for 10 yrs. At least that is the idea I got. He always used to bend under her and he is now! I am afraid it is always going to be like this. Well I just put him an ultimatum. Told him not to come back without the car. I know it is a bit harsh, but I just can't sit back and watch it. I told him to call the police and get it back but he says he doesn't want to upset kids. I understand that, but this is now becoming a matter of principle for me. I am really ready to break up with him if he can't get hold of that freaking car. It is not about money. We can take a loan from bank for a new car, but this is just wrong. He gave her everything the least he could is to take the car for our own comofrt. Am I being to harsh and selfish ? Problem is I really don't believe all these stories. A fresh look from outside could be of help. I just don't understand why he would do that to us...

He could be lying to you about all of this. It makes no sense to me.
Or he cold be weak when it comes to her.
This relationship may always have drama.

His business with his wife and kids is none of yours, so butt out, and get your own car!!

I think he is weak when it comes to her. But she is difficult to cope with. If anything goes not her way, she starts shouting, screaming, threatening and she just never stops. She threatened to get some guys beat him up. That is what type of person she is.
Anyway, Talaniman believe me I am not enjoying all this drama, but I am not happy with the fact that he can't get what is his by right! And why is he supposed to pay for the car, when she is using it? On top of the money he gives here every month out of his wage? He is my man and I want him to take care of me and our kids in the future and try provide for them as much as he did for his other kids. What is wrong with that? And this is all not about the car, but about his actions. I think I am just starting to realize that all he thinks about is her well being.

She has 12 years of history, and an heir, and you are the live in g/f of 3 months, which no doubt, drives the ex crazy. Forget the car, and those ultimatums, stay as far from his business as possible, and worry about what you build together. He comes with a lot of baggage along with his money, and it seems that tripping over a car when there are so many other things to deal with is, an absolutely absurd notion to me when a car can be replaced with less hassle than fighting with an ex. Those are but things. You want a good future, mind your own business or this drama will be a wedge between you forever.

If he is weak, just remember you chose him, so you get everything he comes with.

And what did the court settlement say about who gets to live and do what and who has to provide what.

Again, sounds like first yes it is about the money, or you would not care, after some years he may be providing the same for you.

He will have a relationship ( talk, provide and more) for her and his children till at least the kids are grown, you will have to accept that

And if you can't, you need to move on to a man who does not have a prior family.

How do you know for sure that He is divorced, have you seen the papers, that would prove that he really is divorced and would explain the settlement!

This does not sound like a man who has been separated for two years to me.

They were not married, no divorce required, although this sounds like a messy divorce situation. His property, the cars- are his, not hers. If he can afford four houses, he can afford an attorney to get his property back.

So, with that end of it being so simple to solve, what's the deal here. Have you actually met this woman? Maybe seen correspondence between the two, email, voice messages? Why is he not in touch with all the children that he has raised, has he sent gifts, cards, email to them? In other words, what physical evidence do you have that she even exists, and presuming she does, and he does have three kids to support, why do you think he is still so involved with her.

And that is really the bottom line. It isn't about a car (quite expensive to send by cargo overseas- he must be loaded), it's about ties. After two years there shouldn't be any ties with her, other than a regular cheque for the support of his children (I presume they are minors?).

You need to figure out the truth here. From what you have said, he has a continuing relationship with her, he's maintaining this, despite the fact that he has had two years to settle his business with her and sever ties, yet it seems like he just split last week.

You may get the car, or 'a' car where you are, but the bigger problem is that in my opinion, he has two relationships going on at the same time, and he is not fully committed to either one.

He's either lying about what is going on or he has some serious problems with standing up for himself.
I'm thinking he's not being honest with you.

He never married her. They were partners. I have spoken to her, not seen her though. I have seen her emails and their correspondance. From what I understood even though that they were split for 2 yrs (which I am starting to doubt too) he still kept doing a lot for her and she kept using him. But after I came on the scene, he started changing. I think him moving out of the country to live with me hit her hard. She probably thought he will always be there for her no matter what. The kids are real too :) But something is not adding up here. We spoke today and he said he can not bring the car over because the weather is bad (we live in Europe and it is snowy here) and the car is in a bad condition. Well it wasn't 5 months ago. He swears, he cries, and says we will buy a new one. You are right it is not about the car. It is about our relationship. I was truly hoping that we could be a great couple, but now I have doubts. She just has so much influence on him. I told him I am packing and moving in to my friend's place, but I agreed to wait for him until he comes back tomoz. He says he will do anything to make me happy, will rush to bank to take a loan for a new car, yet he can't confront his ex. I do not need a new car and loan burden on him, I just wanted him to get what is his by right and show me that he does not let her shaft him still. He promises he will not do anything more for her but giving a child support money. He said that he will now split the assets. She wants to go through court, but he is saying that he will loose more if they do. Well to me there is nothing to loose really as he has given her away everything. I just do know understand now where I stand here. I do not want to be involved into this drama over and over. And it offends me how he lets her get everything her way. He promised he will bring the car over, but once he gets there he can't do a thing. I do not want neither his car now, nor him I guess...

I agree that your instinct is trying to tell you something here.

But it is much easier on the outside looking in, as opposed to actually living this life with him.

I also agree that until you are certain of his 'status' with her, and that he has settled his business, and ties to her, separate residences might be a good idea. When he is free to be in a relationship, you will know by his actions, not his words.

I think your best bet is to maybe move out to the shared home.
He has too many ties with her and you will always be in the midst of drama.
I'm thinking he has probably continued this relationship with her.