Okay, my girlfriend of nearly two years broke things off with me about 3 months ago, however, we still continue to see each other once or twice a week. My controlling nature led her to the decision to leave me, however, she now seems to have renewed interest. I have been attending counciling and taking medication for my extreme anxiety, a major contributor to the control issues I have. Although she claims she is pleased with my changed attitude she is reluctant to delve into another relationship with me as she wants to be sure I am not going to return to my old ways. I want to give her the time she needs but how much is too much? Is she truly interested in the possibility of a renewed relationship between us or is she operating uder some other interest? Any thoughts or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, my gf of nearly two years broke things off with me about 3 months ago, however, we still continue to see each other once or twice a week. My controlling nature led her to the decision to leave me, however, she now seems to have renewed interest. I have been attending counciling and taking medication for my extreme anxiety, a major contributor to the control issues I have. Although she claims she is pleased with my changed attitude she is reluctant to delve into another relationship with me as she wants to be sure I am not going to return to my old ways. I want to give her the time she needs but how much is too much? Is she truly interested in the possibility of a renewed relationship between us or is she operating uder some other interest? Any thoughts or insight would be greatly appreciated.
She is scared that you really haven't had enough time to truly change. All the drama and mess you put her through during yalls relationship is constantle running through her head.. Yeah sure she loves you you have been together for 2 years and your controlling ways is all she knows.. She probably feels if she gets back with you you will end up going back to the same old ways. She needs time and you have to truly change for you first and the new you should shine and she will realize that you really have change!

Wayne, you sound extremely lucky in the sense 99% of the women out there wouldn't give someone a second chance. The first thing I would suggest is NOT giving yourself a time table. Take it so slow that she'll want to speed it up. I'm serious. If it takes 8 months to a year, what's the rush to you. You're already in the 1% that gets a second chance. Make the best of it by not being available all the time.

The second thing is to be prepared. This woman is going to test you like no other. She's going to try and get you in situations where you will get jealous or controlling. Know this going in and prepare yourself for it. It's going to happen and it's going to happen often. If she seems to be going out of her way to upset you, know she's testing you and don't get upset and even joke around about it with her.

Congratulations, even if this doesn't work out you've taken some great steps in life. Keep us updated.

Go slow and keep working on yourself. You being healthy is the first priority, and her interest seems genuine at this point so consider yourself lucky. SLOW

This is a question rediredted at chuff's answer. Does her making and breaking plans on a regular basis constitute as the testing you spoke of?

This is a question rediredted at chuff's answer. Does her making and breaking plans on a regular basis constitute as the testing you spoke of?


It certainly could be a test to see what your reaction is. It could also be that she sees your still interested and wants to string you along for as long as she can to see what she can get out of you. Your certainly in a tough spot.

If you have plans and she cancels on you, tell her "oh that's terrific, my friend wanted to do something with me, and I didn't want to be rude and cancel with him but this will open up the door for us to do that."

Or "Great, I had some other projects I needed to work on and this opens up the time for me to work on them. Thanks."

Or "Oh your doing me the biggest favor, John (insert a real friends name here) wanted to go out with me that night. Now we can hit the town."

You can use one of those or make up your own to show her you've got other things to do. What I'm saying is don't be mad, don't be depressed, don't belittle her for it but do let her know you've got other things going on in your life and you can't be upset by this constant back and forth.

Also if she does this again, DO NOT contact her afterwards. Let her come back to you. She may make plans and break them but give her another example from above or another one you can think of. Then don't call her. If she is going to test you then show her you can take it and pass.

Taking the steps to seek a counselor and take medication is a good start. It shows that your attitude is in the right place. However, it would be unreasonable to think that your ex would come running back into your arms anytime soon. That she's cautious is good, for both of your sakes.

Turn the tables, what if it were her who was extremely controlling and had anxiety issues? When you had enough of her and broke it off, how quick would you be to take her back? Would you be very trusting? Wouldn't you be scared that she may be trying to manipulate you into thinking that things are going to be okay once you come back?

Be patient, focus on getting better, don't harbor feelings of anger or resentment and you will take leaps forward. Keep your distance and let her come around and see you taking yourself seriously, that will show her what your words cannot.

It certainly could be a test to see what your reaction is. It could also be that she sees your still interested and wants to string you along for as long as she can to see what she can get out of you. Your certainly in a tough spot.

If you have plans and she cancels on you, tell her "oh that's terrific, my friend wanted to do something with me, and I didn't want to be rude and cancel with him but this will open up the door for us to do that."

Or "Great, I had some other projects I needed to work on and this opens up the time for me to work on them. Thanks."

Or "Oh your doing me the biggest favor, John (insert a real friends name here) wanted to go out with me that night. Now we can hit the town."

You can use one of those or make up your own to show her you've got other things to do. What I'm saying is don't be mad, don't be depressed, don't belittle her for it but do let her know you've got other things going on in your life and you can't be upset by this constant back and forth.

Also if she does this again, DO NOT contact her afterwards. Let her come back to you. She may make plans and break them but give her another example from above or another one you can think of. Then don't call her. If she is going to test you then show her you can take it and pass.

Chuff,
When she breaks plans there is no considerate phone call. Often times she never shows up or calls to let me know she is not coming. However, whenever we speak about getting back together she responds to my advances saying things like "you have the best chance of getting with me as opposed to anyone else". What is she really thinking? I do not have a lot of money to offer as I am a student. Why else could this be happening? It is really driving me crazy, not that I ever tell her for risk of her assuming that I am being controlling. Can anyone decipher this situation?

Chuff,
When she breaks plans there is no considerate phone call. Often times she never shows up or calls to let me know she is not coming.

That leads me to believe she's stringing you along. If she was interested still and was testing you she would be calling to see the kind of reaction you would give her. To make plans then ignore you or not call is just disrespectful.


However, whenever we speak about getting back together she responds to my advances saying things like "you have the best chance of getting with me as opposed to anyone else". What is she really thinking?

I think she's thinking that she sees your still interested and she wants to see if you will act on those emotions and provide her with something. The very fact she says, "as opposed to anyone else" leads me to believe that she might be seeing someone else but if that doesn't work out then she might come back to you.


I do not have alot of money to offer as I am a student. Why else could this be happening?

Money isn't necessarily what she has to be after. Maybe just time or someone to listen to her complain, or a safety net in case something else doesn't go right.


It is really driving me crazy, not that I ever tell her for risk of her assuming that I am being controlling. Can anyone decipher this situation?

Honestly Wayne if it is driving you crazy or your getting this emotional I think YOU need to pull back from her. This situation isn't going to help you as far as working on your emotional issues. Ultimately she or any other woman is going to want a man that can take charge and I'm not sure you can do it at this point just yet if your hanging onto every word she says.

Getting healthy is the important thing. Do that for yourself. It may not be a good idea to get to deep into anything else right now. By no means would you expect any one to be waiting for you to be ready for them. If I where you I would put Me before anything and let the rest of the world fall into place. The relationship needs to take a back burner to the other aspects of your life, and for sure you should be doing other things that make you happy, besides pursuing, or worrying about a difficult female.

Okay, my gf of nearly two years broke things off with me about 3 months ago, however, we still continue to see each other once or twice a week. My controlling nature led her to the decision to leave me, however, she now seems to have renewed interest. I have been attending counciling and taking medication for my extreme anxiety, a major contributor to the control issues I have. Although she claims she is pleased with my changed attitude she is reluctant to delve into another relationship with me as she wants to be sure I am not going to return to my old ways. I want to give her the time she needs but how much is too much? Is she truly interested in the possibility of a renewed relationship between us or is she operating uder some other interest? Any thoughts or insight would be greatly appreciated.
I think you need to take it slow with her and don't rush into anything.

Chuff,
Would it change your perspective if I had asked her if I had as good a chance as anyone else to date her, and her response was " your chance is better"? I know I am knit picking, but I want to make sure I am taking the right steps. Additionally, I would like to thank those who have tried to shed some liight on this draining situation.

Chuff,
Would it change your perspective if I had asked her if I had as good a chance as anyone else to date her, and her response was " your chance is better"? I know I am knit picking, but I want to make sure I am taking the right steps. Additionally, I would like to thank those who have tried to shed some liight on this draining situation.

What would you expect her to say? At this point in time don't hang your hat on what anyone says and focus on you. The right step would be the ones you make in your behalf, not someone else's. Sorry I couldn't wait for chuff.

Chuff,
Would it change your perspective if I had asked her if I had as good a chance as anyone else to date her, and her response was " your chance is better"? I know I am knit picking, but I want to make sure I am taking the right steps. Additionally, I would like to thank those who have tried to shed some liight on this draining situation.

Wayne with all due respect, she has told you her concern with you was your controlling nature. And I get that your emotional. Everybody here will tell you I'm overly emotional too. But your questioning her like that is an element of your control problems. You have desire to know exactly where you stand and how you rate compared to others. But the problem is your coming off needy and pushy just by asking her. Your giving her all the power, which ironically enough gives you less control. No wonder she doesn't follow through with plans as it relates to you because no matter what happens she knows she can string you along and you'll do exactly what she wants.

You should even be asking her questions like that. You should just be having a good time and having fun. Like I said before do that for 8 months to a year. But do it on your terms so that you will have real control in the relationship. You've been with her for 2 years so you know what she likes and what makes her laugh. Do those things. Entertain her. Don't ever mention relationship. In fact, act like it's the furtherest thing from your mind and the last thing you want. Make her start asking you about it. That puts you in control. That's real control by the way, not something that you force on her and she just resents you for it. But be controlling in the sense that she must come to you.

Your going to freak when I say this but If she stands you up again don't call her. Don't contact her in any way. Let her call you. Then when she does tell her you've got something to do and tell HER to call YOU back at a certain time in the future. That will let her know your busy and your not going to be shifting your schedule around for her. That will also let her know that you aren't running to her anymore. Then keep doing this. Pull back from her because your giving way too much of yourself which has given her everything.

Plus I think you really need to pull back for you. Let's give yourself some credit here. You've taken steps to address an issue have which puts you ahead of 95% of the people who never do what they need to do to improve their lives. You are already ahead of the crowd there. But you have to make these changes for you. Not for her. Quite honestly if she's interfering with your progress than lose her. No woman is worth that. NOT ONE. I really think you need to pull back anyway because she seems to cloud your feelings and judgement so for your own good I think you should pull back from her. Worry about Wayne first then her second.

It certainly could be a test to see what your reaction is. It could also be that she sees your still interested and wants to string you along for as long as she can to see what she can get out of you. Your certainly in a tough spot.

If you have plans and she cancels on you, tell her "oh that's terrific, my friend wanted to do something with me, and I didn't want to be rude and cancel with him but this will open up the door for us to do that."

Or "Great, I had some other projects I needed to work on and this opens up the time for me to work on them. Thanks."

Or "Oh your doing me the biggest favor, John (insert a real friends name here) wanted to go out with me that night. Now we can hit the town."

You can use one of those or make up your own to show her you've got other things to do. What I'm saying is don't be mad, don't be depressed, don't belittle her for it but do let her know you've got other things going on in your life and you can't be upset by this constant back and forth.

Also if she does this again, DO NOT contact her afterwards. Let her come back to you. She may make plans and break them but give her another example from above or another one you can think of. Then don't call her. If she is going to test you then show her you can take it and pass.


I have got to agree here. I've actually done this before because I am in the same situation. My girlfriend lost interest in me because she knew I was always waiting around for her. Well when I thanked her for cancelling our plans... boom... her interest in me skyrocketed because she realized I had a life outside of her. So it does work.

Again she recently has broken plans again. I have been dealing with this for awhile, and I broke it to her that I haven't been happy with the way she has been acting. She tried to communicate she did not want me to think she is ignoring me or blowing me off. By the end of the conversation she and I were not on the same page. I have been thinking she has been wanting our relationship to work out because that is what she has said literally. Like some of the respondants have suggested I felt she was testing the water to see if this change is the real thing or and act. I have asked on several occasions if she could tell me if we could be together or not and she has said she cannot answer that. I thought that was a good sign because it seems she is contemplating a rekindling of our relationship. However, tonight during our conversation that she wants me to get over her. She wants my friendship definitely, but she doesn't know if a relationship is in the cards. I want to know if datinf around is good idea at this point or is it only going to prove that I really do not care about her. Several women have approached me and I have turned them all down because I want her, however, I am also concerned I could be missing out on some really great people. I am so confused. I have always maintained I am not really interested in being friends and she knows that. Why would she not tell me if all she can have is a friendship. Additionally, when I told her that I may not want to continue seeing her asa friend she became angry and called me selfish. Am I selfish or is she just pushing my buttons?

Additionally, I incessantly worry she is going to find someone else and the sexual relationship that will accompany it. Further I worry I will not be strong enough to resist her if she wants to come back to me afterwards. I began dating her after a long relationship that had many trust issues, and my first ex had tried getting me back after I had been with my current ex for alomost three months. Sadly, it was difficult to tell her I didn't want to be with her again because I didn't entirely know myself. Anyway, I am really impaitient in this process because I don't want my current ex to find someone else only to ask for another chance because I really am a great guy. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to become more patient or as to why I am so bothered by the prospect of another guy even though she is not my girlfriend anymore?

Again she recently has broken plans again.

End it. Just end it. She’s playing games with you. Tal had a quote in another post that I’m going to apply to you, “If you want off the roller coaster then it’s up to you to stop the ride.”


I have been dealing with this for awhile, and I broke it to her that I havent been happy wiht the way she has been acting. She tried to communicate she did not want me to think she is ignoring me or blowing me off.

But she has been so she’s lying. To the curb belong the liars.


By the end of the convo she and I were not on the same page. I have been thinking she has been wanting our relationship to work out because that is what she has said literally.
Like some of the respondants have suggested I felt she was testing the water to see if this change is the real thing or and act. I have asked on several occasions if she could tell me if we could be together or not and she has said she cannot answer that. I thought that was a good sign because it seems she is contemplating a rekindling of our relationship. However, tonight during our convo that she wants me to get over her.

Good. Now you know. So take her advice and leave her be and get over it.


She wants my friendship definitely, but she doesn't know if a relationship is in the cards.

She does not deserve your friendship and no relationship is in the cards. See your quote above.


I want to know if datinf around is good idea at this point or is it only going to prove that I really do not care about her.

I think dating nobody AND not caring about what she thinks should be a priority. You’ve got a lot of personal issues you need to focus on so you don’t fall for this type of woman again. You are way to controlling, and way to concerned about what other people think to be getting wrapped up in them. You’ve got to spend some time getting wrapped up in yourself and determining what you will and will not accept in other people and in your own behavior.


Several women have approached me and I have turned them all down because I want her, however, I am also concerned I could be missing out on some really great people.

While I agree you are missing out on better people than your ex, dating others when you are of an fragile emotional state will not help you and may in fact hurt you.


I am so confused. I have always maintained I am not really interested in being friends and she knows that. Why would she not tell me if all she can have is a friendship. Additionaly, when I told her that I may not want to continue seeing her asa friend she became angry and called me selfish. Am I selfish or is she just pushing my buttons?

There are times in life when you get to be selfish. This is one of them. She’s toying with you and your emotions. You don’t need this and it’s not healthy. So you get to be selfish and rid this monster from your life. That’s good selfishness. If you ever have to make a tough decision and it’s in favor of your value and dignity as a person then you be selfish and choose you. If it’s going to be against your own self interests and conscious then you be selfish. If she’s going to use that stupid line then she’s the one who has problem with selfishness.

After rereading your last post I would say she has tried everything to nicely tell you to move on. It is your own stubbornness, or her lack of outward meanness, that has you ignoring every signal she has been sending. I at first thought that if you took it slow, she and you would click, but I was wrong, so do as she says get over her and move on.

After rereading your last post I would say she has tried everything to nicely tell you to move on. It is your own stubbornness, or her lack of outward meanness, that has you ignoring every signal she has been sending. I at first thought that if you took it slow, she and you would click, but I was wrong, so do as she says get over her and move on.

I tried to rep you but you know how that thing works.

I agree with every last word.

I also thought she was being nice and giving you a second chance but I too was wrong.

It's over and she's telling you.

I have recently read the new comments and it has been very disheartening. She keeps pushing for a friendship and to continue seeing each other. Again and again she has said that she would love if her and I could work out, but she cannot trust that I have really changed yet. Sadly enough, even though the current situation is uncomfortable I hate to walk away when she is asking me to stay. Early in the break-up I asked her to not come around anymore and she sadly agreed, however, she had left the door open for me. It is obvious that I eventually gave in. When she asked me to move on we were arguing about where the relationship is going. It is really funny, when we go out to movies and dinner and do fun stuff we get along great, if and only if I keep myself from asking her about the relationship. I mean we hold hands and exchange loving remarks, it always feels as if we are moving forward, but it just takes one mistake from me and we are back to square one. I really hate myself because I drove her away when she was head over heels for me, and now again when I have had this opportunity to change it all around. Over the past three and a half months she has conveyed so many different signals, and maybe I have ignored the negative ones. When things are over they are over and that person that you spent so much time and energy with is gone, and you are empty. I guess I have given it my best that I can at this point and I can't do anymore. Thaks for all the advice.

Wayne, with all due respect I'm not surprised she's pushing you away. She told you that you were too controlling. You admitted you were too controlling. And yet you keep going back for more. This relationship is not stable. Quite honestly you not stable. You can't make a stable decision that isn't emotionally based that causes destructive results. Then you get upset with yourself for making one bad decision and try to correct it and it turns out worse. The cycle just continues.

Stop talking to her. I don't care if she tells you that you're the only one for her because she's not good for you right now. You have got to stop this control problem you have so that you'll be emotionally healthy for the rest of your life. This won't be the last time you run into this situation. The best time to prepare for it and make some decisions on what to do is now or at least in a couple months from now when your emotional connection wears off.


I have recently read the new comments and it has been very disheartening. She keeps pushing for a friendship and to continue seeing each other. Again and again she has said that she would love if her and I could work out, but she cannot trust that I have really changed yet.

But you haven't changed. Look at this whole situation. It recks of desperation which is a the sister of control. You keep pushing for something that she has told you not to push for.



Sadly enough, even though the current situation is uncomfortable I hate to walk away when she is asking me to stay.

She's either toying with you or trying to be nice. But she is not your concern. I'm going to repeat that. SHE IS NOT YOUR CONCERN. You are your concern. You have a controlling problem. You have to fix that or your going to wind up repeating the same pattern woman after woman.

And some women will use you. So you have to be able to stand up for yourself and take control of a situation but not control every aspect of the relationship.

Who cares what she says. She's giving you mixed messages. So lose her. Figure out what you want and then find a woman. Ironically enough, she is controlling you by your emotions, which you should be the one controlling always. You never let her control those. Those belong to you and if she wants space then give it to her. All the way. You don't need her friendship if she isn't going to help you emotionally get over this.


Early in the break-up I asked her to not come around anymore and she sadly agreed, however, she had left the door open for me. It is obvious that I eventually gave in. When she asked me to move on we were arguing about where the relationship is going.

What's to argue? It's going nowhere. Why did you even bring it up. You had a lifetime ahead you. I know I said 8 months to a year and Tal said you had your whole life. That was like a week ago. Why did you even bring it up? It just reeks of desperation.


It is really funny, when we go out to movies and dinner and do fun stuff we get along great, if and only if I keep myself from asking her about the relationship.

Hmmm, seems like we've heard that before. Did you read our advice at all?


I mean we hold hands and exchange loving remarks, it always feels as if we are moving forward, but it just takes one mistake from me and we are back to sqaure one.

Well that is why you should not be concerned with her (ie controlling her) and only concerned with what's going on in your life. If you had given her a long time perhaps she could have come to you. But you kept pushing it. So now it's over. She told you not push and you did.


I really hate myself because I drove her away when she was head over heels for me, and now again when I have had this opportunity to change it all around. Over the past three and a half months she has conveyed so many different signals, and maybe I have ignored the negative ones. When things are over they are over and that person that you spent so much time and energy with is gone, and you are empty.

Believe me, I've been there. That is why in the future you get involved you don't give everything. You only give 50% or ideally 35 to 40%. Your emotional gas tank is on empty right now, but you can fill it back up. But it's going to take time and you never let it run dry again.


I guess I have given it my best that I can at this point and I can't do anymore. Thaks for all the advice.

You need to focus on yourself and learn why your so controlling. You need to set up points in the relationship where you will not go or concern yourself with. If a relationship crosses a certain point than you need to take control and bring it back to within the boundaries or end the relationship.

Wayne, if you try re-reading your post, maybe from a third party perspective, you'll see that she in essence had broken up with you without saying the words, break up. She gave you the old verbal Dear John and your extreme desire to ignore it accomplished just that, you ignored it, however, that doesn't make it not real.

She doesn't have the nerve, like Tal said to say the words, "It's over". I don't know if she thinks she's trying to be benevolent by offering you friendship, or if it's her own selfishness that doesn't want you around as a boyfriend, but as a friend/security blanket.

You asked if it would be a good idea to date around, right now, maybe not so much. Both Chuff and Tal have given you great insight but your controlling nature and stubbornness won't accept it, you reject their words it seems because you think that you know how to fix it. You don't. I think that if you were to just unplug, take a step back, a deep breath, you'll see what's just happened, in time you'll see and understand why and THEN, you'll make great strides within yourselves.

You say you hate to walk when she's asking you to stay, but see that she's asking you to stay on HER terms, in other words, when she feels like having you around. Now, controlling or not, I think that if she's not happy with your behavior then she needs to cut you loose or stick it out.

Wayne, your choice to conduct yourself this way in a relationship is very selfish. It allows you and only you to get what you want because you are controlling it. You use manipulation and power to get what you want out of that person instead of having a healthy give and take. You really need to work on yourself before you consider proceeding with this girl or any other for that matter. It will take some time, but all good things are worth waiting for.