Its not that I WANT to get fat; I just cannot control my eating/hunger habits. I can do really well sticking to a weight loss program for months; I lost 85 pounds this last time. But then one day (or a series of days); something happens that throws me off and I have a really hard time getting back into control.

As I am eating; binging actually I am thinking the whole time about what a terrible person I am and I actually honestly think that when I get into these self destruct modes I truly believe that I deserve to be fat.

Honestly; if I could be bulemic I probably would be; I just am smart enough to know how bad it is to throw up and use laxatives so I just eat and suffer the consequences.

What do I do? Get help for "bulemia" even though I just show the same emotional symptons but don't actually act out the PURGING part?

I have gained 25 pounds back in the past 2 months. No one wants to be thin more than me trust me. I hate myself for being this way I really do. I hate myself for not being able to control it and once it gets this bad my exercise routine goes completely down the drain as well; because its just a waste of time in my mind if I'm going to eat like I do.

PS; I'm 37 years old.

I totally know what you mean. Im usually 120 naturally but because I have a crazy love for food I'm 130 ( Only because I have regained control) or least I would be way more. You know what the best thing to do? FAST! It really helps. You can start with a 3day fast... some people go all the way to 10days. There's different kinds... Some pepl fast with only drinking water w/lemon or fruit juice(home made) or some with nothing at all. Im NOT kidding.. u may think this is weird but it works... after the 3days your stomack will have shrunk and ull be less hungry. YOu will have gained control of your apetite by fighting off the urges while you were fasting. If you're a christian then its also a time to spend time with God with no destractions. After the first 2 days you won't really feel hunger...